Chapter 22
Twenty-Two
“Where is His Grace?” Olivia asked Thalia as they walked in the back garden together. It was a sunny morning, the birds were chirping, the flowers—those few that existed in the dead garden -- were blooming, and the light breeze which wafted across the estate was perfect.
It was the type of day that clashed perfectly with Thalia’s downtrodden mood. It might have been shining brightly on her shoulders but inside there was a storm which wrecked her.
“Oh… he is busy,” Thalia said simply.
“He is always busy,” Olivia grumbled.
“He is a duke,” Thalia explained, ignoring the best she could the way her chest tightened. “Being busy is unavoidable.”
“I have not seen him in days,” she pressed. As she did, she looked around the garden and back toward the castle as if she expected to see him suddenly appear. “Is he avoiding me?”
“Of course not.”
“Then where is he?”
It broke Thalia’s heart and it took all the strength she had not to weep. She might have come to accept that the duke refused to admit his feelings for her, and that he was set on avoiding her at every turn, but it was Olivia who suffered because of it.
She was just a little girl, so young and unaware that to try and explain to her why the duke wanted nothing to do with them would have been impossible. Thalia thought the best method might have been to say nothing and simply hope that Olivia did not notice. But that was never going to work.
Olivia had grown attached to the duke, and she expected him to be a part of her life. And now that he wasn’t, she was struggling to figure out why so that the only answer she could come up with was that she had done something wrong. That he hated her.
“I will speak with him later,” Thalia promised her… a lie, which she hated having to do. “He is busy, but I am sure he can make time for you.”
“I hope so,” she said earnestly, still searching for him. “I miss him.”
Thalia had to sniff back the tears because she did not want Olivia to see them. “I miss him too.”
That time, Thalia was not lying.
Despite everything, Thalia missed the duke more than she thought was possible. So strange, as they hadn’t spent that much time together, and most of when they had was done in awkward silence or argument. But it had never been about what they said, more what they didn’t say.
It was how she had felt when she was around the duke.
With him came a sense of protection the likes of which she had never known.
The feeling that when they were together nothing could hurt her.
He was not warm. He was not companionable.
But he was strong and protective and when he looked at her she knew without the need for words how he felt.
“Come on…” Thalia took Olivia by the hand. “Let’s go beyond the garden today. I think we need to give our legs an extra-long stretch.”
“Where?” Olivia brightened.
Anywhere but here… “I don’t know. Let’s walk until we drop.”
“You’re silly,” Olivia giggled. “How will we get back?”
“You can carry me,” Thalia said. “I think you’re strong enough.”
To that, Olivia giggled further.
That was the difficulty, trying to keep Olivia distracted so that she did not notice the duke’s absence.
The first few days it was easy enough to do, and whenever she asked about the duke, Thalia would simply say that he was busy and that he would come and see them when he had time. Rarely was Olivia happy with this answer, but she accepted it because what else could she do?
As the days wore on, the difficulty increased.
“I want to see him,” she pouted one evening as Thalia tucked her into bed. “I want to say goodnight.”
“You can’t, Olivia,” Thalia said. “He is—”
“Why is he always busy?”
“I was going to say that he is not home.” She raised both eyebrows at her daughter. “How can you say goodnight to someone who is not here?”
“But he is home!” she protested. “I heard him.”
“You…” Thalia swallowed. “You did?”
“Yes! Please. Can I see him? I want to say goodnight.”
“Perhaps tomorrow.”
“You said that last night!”
Olivia was becoming frustrated, and this frustration turned to sadness. Not only did it hurt Thalia like nothing else, it had the added effect of keeping the duke front and center of her own thoughts. How was she supposed to move on if she had to think about him every minute of every day?
“Why does he not eat?” Olivia demanded as they sat for supper a few nights later. “He never eats!”
“He does,” she said. “But in his office. He has a lot of work to do.”
“He hates me, doesn’t he…” Olivia sniffed and looked down at her plate. “I know he does.”
“Olivia, he does not hate you. Do not ever say that.”
“Then where is he!”
It was getting too much. Thalia was desperate to do as the duke had commanded and avoid him. Not just because he wanted it, but because she needed it also. Out of sight was out of mind and she wanted him divorced from her thoughts.
Sadly, that just wasn’t possible.
It was for that reason that Thalia came to a decision on that same night.
Once she had finished tucking her daughter into bed, she found herself walking the dark halls in the direction of Ronan’s office.
He might have wished never to see her again, he might have even had good reason, but as long as they lived in this house, concessions needed to be made.
And Thalia… well, she just hoped that the duke was reasonable. Although that felt like a dream that was unlikely to happen.
The door to his office was closed but she could see light coming from beneath it. She was shaking with nerves, and never had she been so frightened. As much as she hated to admit it, she was excited to see him. She wanted to, as if that might remind him of what they’d nearly had.
But it would do no good wondering if this small encounter would change his mind, and Thalia pushed that hope down so deep that she strangled it. This was about Olivia…
She knocked softly on the door, she waited, and the duke’s voice called from within. “I’m busy!”
She grimaced, ignoring the order, and pushed the door open a fraction. “Please,” she spoke through the crack in the door. “This will only take a moment.”
The duke said nothing, which Thalia took as an answer.
She pushed the door open further and stepped inside, keeping the door open behind her because this would not be a long visit… and she needed an escape should things become tense.
Ronan was sitting at his desk, head bent and at work. He glanced up when she entered and then looked down. “I said I am busy,” he grumbled.
“I heard you.” She stood with her back straight, her hands folded, fixing on him an impassive look devoid of emotion. “But this cannot wait.”
He sighed. “Please, make it quick.”
A flash of anger roared inside of Thalia.
To treat her as a stranger was one thing, but this was just plain rude.
She knew he was doing it on purpose, wanting to dismiss her so that she would not get the wrong idea.
But still… it would have been nice to have been given some sense that he still cared for her. A hint of what he had once felt…
“First, I want it known that this is not some attempt by me to go back on our promise,” she started. “I am not here to try and change your mind or… or to trick you, or whatever you think I might have done. So please, drop the charade, as there is no need.”
“This is not a charade…” He continued to work. “As I said, I am busy.”
“Be that as it may, I am here on behalf of Olivia.” It was subtle, but she saw him stiffen at the mention of her daughter’s name.
“I understand why you do not wish to spend time with me. I do not accept the logic, but I accept that you think it is necessary. But what I cannot accept is what it is doing to Olivia.”
She watched him closely, desperate to see the regret. But his head remained bowed, so she could not see his reaction.
“She misses you,” Thalia continued. “All day and all night, she asks where you are and why you have not come to see her. She thinks that you hate her, Ronan.”
“I…” He winced. “I do not hate her. You know that.”
“Do I?” she said. “And even if that was the case, how is she to know? She is a child, Ronan. She does not understand what is going on. To be treated so lovingly one day and then spurned the next is confusing, and it is breaking her.”
He no longer looked as if he was working. But he kept his head bent, refusing to look up and meet her eyes. “I… I never meant to upset Olivia. You know that. I only wanted—”
“What was best for you,” she cut over him. “Ignore me if you want. Avoid me, I am a big girl, I can handle it. But do not do the same to Olivia. You promised to protect her.”
“Which is what I am doing.”
“Which you cannot do if she thinks that you want nothing to do with her,” she snapped, the anger getting to her.
This wasn’t just about Olivia, but her own feelings.
“Tomorrow, I am planning on going for a walk into town, and I would like to leave Olivia behind. Now, if I do that, will you be here to watch her?”
Thalia hadn’t planned any such thing. However, the thought came to her in the moment, and she knew that for the duke to spend time with her daughter, it would be best if she was nowhere in sight.
“Well?” she demanded.
Ronan said nothing at first. Head still bowed, body still stiff, she could only imagine what was going on inside that head of his. She folded her arms and glared at the top of his head, desperate for the only answer she could possibly accept.
“Fine,” he said eventually. “I will look after her.”
“Good.” She breathed a sigh of relief. “I will make sure to let Olivia know.” She waited then, watching the duke, her expression pleading because she needed him to see her standing there.
Only, he started working again, and she had the sense that he had already forgotten her.
She exhaled, her shoulders slumping, and left the office.
Despite her pain, Thalia made sure to smile as she went. It hurt, being treated like that. And it broke her just a little bit to think that the duke had already moved on from her. But at least she had managed to save his relationship with Olivia. That was something, at least.
Not a victory by any stretch… but the most that she could hope for.
Thalia returned home the following day to the sound of laughter.
As promised, she spent the morning in town, even going so far as to inform Olivia before leaving that the duke would be looking after her while she was gone. She had wondered if she should do such a thing; that vague chance that the duke would fall through on his promise.
And Olivia had been so darn excited about the prospect of finally seeing the duke that Thalia’s heart cracked inside her chest because she loved seeing her daughter that elated… and she feared the inevitable heartbreak when it all came crashing down.
The sounds of laughter were a tonic, heard from the front of the castle, but coming from the back. Thalia allowed herself a hopeful smile as she walked around the building, the sounds of laughter growing, and happiness swelling inside her chest with each step taken.
The scene she stumbled upon was like something out of a dream.
It was nothing crazy. Nothing too exciting.
It was just that of Olivia, running around the back garden, and the duke chasing her as if he was a monster bent on her destruction.
He roared as he chased, she cried out and giggled as she ran, and Thalia struggled to remember a time she had seen her daughter so happy.
It was a two-sided coin.
One side was relief, because when she watched Ronan playing with Olivia, she knew that it had been the right decision to approach him. For all his faults, he cared for the little girl and would continue to do so. That was what mattered.
The other side was the realization of her own feelings.
Thalia wanted to move on from the duke. She wanted to forget how much she cared for him.
She wanted to leave behind that kiss as if it never happened.
She wanted… truly, it did not matter what she wanted, because it wasn’t going to be that easy.
Thalia still had deep feelings for her husband, and they weren’t going to go away. In truth, she didn’t want them to. She wanted what she had felt. She wanted him to return them—to admit to them fully. She wanted this life, but with the duke in it. But wanting wasn’t going to change anything.
It was up to Ronan to accept how he felt and then act on it. It was on him to stop running and stand up for his true feelings. It was him who had to pull down those walls and step over them fully and finally so there would be no going back.
Until he did such a thing… all Thalia could do was wait. But how long would it take? How much more rejection could she suffer? She did not know the answer, just that it would be the hardest thing she ever had to do.
She and Ronan were married, and this marriage could be so much more. If only Ronan would accept it…