Chapter 21
Twenty-One
Ronan spent the night deep in thought.
Mostly, his thoughts concerned Thalia and the kiss that should never have happened.
Hours later, and he could still taste Thalia on his lips.
He could still feel the way his heart had erupted when he had pulled her into him.
And he could still remember those few moments of joy and hope when she returned the kiss, confirming what he had always known. That she cared for him…
If only things were that simple.
Ronan should never have kissed Thalia, and that was what plagued him as the hours stretched into the night. It did not matter how he felt. It did not matter what he wanted. It did not even matter that there might be a chance, however remote, that they could make this work.
All that mattered was what Ronan knew. He was not who Thalia thought, not caring, not kind, and certainly not safe.
The attraction was there. The passion too—there was no doubt.
But that was fleeting and when it died, the real him would be all that was left.
And it terrified him to think about what might happen when that side of himself was revealed.
Thalia had broken him. She had shattered the walls and lured out the side of himself he tried so hard to keep tame. Promises made and then broken. The right thing wanted but ignored because Ronan could not control himself.
He paced his room for hours, trying to decide what he would do. And as the night stretched into darkness, despite what he wanted and what Thalia thought she wanted, he knew too well the only answer that was acceptable.
I just pray that she understands, and that she is able to forgive me… not that I deserve it.
It was the next morning that he found her.
After breakfast, when he knew that she would be alone. Olivia was outside playing, and she sat in the reading room, the sun shining across her face, a smile on her lips that had Ronan stopping and wondering if this was the right move.
She was just so beautiful. So pure. An innocent creature of whom he had taken advantage. And he was the monster that she needed to be warned away from. For better, or worse.
“Good morning…” He walked into the room but was careful not to get too close.
Thalia looked up and saw him. He did not need to guess the intention behind her warm smile. “Ah, there he is. I thought you might have joined us for breakfast.”
“It was better that I didn’t.”
Doubt flashed behind her eyes as she must have noticed how awkwardly he was behaving. How tense and careful. “Oh?” was all she was able to say.
“Last night,” he began. “We… we need to speak of what happened.”
She held onto her smile, and it spoke of hope. “Do we? I feel that we said enough.” A soft chuckle. “And sometimes actions speak louder than any words can.”
“Sometimes actions can be misinterpreted,” he said, hardly able to look at her. “Which is why we need to talk.”
She bit into her lower lip as she studied him, the realization coming to her. “Ronan…” She closed her book. “Don’t do this. Please, there is no need to—”
“Let me speak,” he said, cutting her off. “Please, Thalia. Before you say anything, allow me to say what I came here to say.”
Her brow was tight, worry evident on her face. She bit further into her lower lip, fighting the urge to deny him. But he fixed her in a stare that he hoped spoke of how much he needed her to listen. And, for once in her life, she did. “Yes,” she said. “You may speak.”
He sighed. “I want to begin by saying that last night…” He grimaced, still struggling to look at her. “It meant more to me than you can possibly realize. And I do not blame you—”
“Blame me?” she spoke over him. “Why would you think to blame me?”
Ronan looked sternly at her, waiting for her to stop. “I do not blame you,” he continued. “That falls on my shoulders. I was the one who kissed you, and for that I am sorry.”
“There is no need to—”
“But it cannot happen again,” he spoke loudly, drowning her out.
“I crossed a line, one that I promised myself I never would. When I proposed that we marry, I promised that this marriage would come at no cost to you. We would be married in name only, and nothing was expected from you but to behave. Ironically, in this, I am the one who has misbehaved.”
“Ronan…”
“You were trapped, as was I. Afraid and without options. And last night, I took advantage of that. For that, I ask for your forgiveness.”
“No,” she said. “I do not give it. Because there is nothing to forgive.” She looked bewildered. “Don’t you see? That is the entire point. You might have kissed me, but I kissed you back—”
“Because you felt that you had no choice.”
“That is not true!” she cried.
Ronan winced, because he knew that she was telling the truth.
Thalia cared for him. Why she did, he could not begin to imagine.
He supposed it was because she saw in him what she wanted to see, what she felt she had to see for this marriage to work.
But that was not the real him, and she needed to be made to see that.
“This was a marriage with a purpose,” he continued, his voice turning distant, his gaze looking past her. “Last night was not the purpose. For that reason, it is imperative that it not happen again.”
“Ronan…” He dared a glance at her, seeing the pain in her eyes. “You do not have to do this.”
“I wish for you to know that I will continue to honor our agreement,” he continued, still looking past her.
“A marriage of convenience, and nothing more. You and Olivia will remain here. I will treat you both with respect and dignity, and in return all I ask is that you accept what this marriage was always meant to be and leave it at that.”
He dared another glance, expecting a rebuke. Thalia looked at him as if she did not recognize him, as if she did not understand the words coming out of his mouth. But the way her eyes watered, and the way her lips trembled, told him that she understood perfectly.
“I am sorry, Thalia,” he said. “But this is for the best. It is… it is safe,” he emphasized. “Better for you, and better for Olivia.” He furrowed his brow as he ran through what he had just said, deciding his point was made and that to remain any longer would only add to the danger.
And so, with nothing else to say, Ronan turned and left the room. A part of him was glad that Thalia did not try to stop him… a great part shattered because deep down, he had hoped that she would.
This is for the best… the only way. Thalia and Olivia will be safe. They might even be happy. And me? I was never meant to be happy, but perhaps some joy will be found in knowing I did the right thing.
Words that sounded good but provided little comfort. Ronan was once again on his own; the way it was meant to be.
Thalia sat in a state of shock as she watched after Ronan, caught between chasing him and making him see how wrong he was, while knowing there was no point.
Why am I even surprised? That is what I should be asking. Is this not the man I married? Is this not how things always go? One step forward, two steps backward, the path we walk leading to different places.
It broke her what had just happened, and there was no point in denying that. For a moment there, Thalia had allowed herself to believe that things were going to change. She was falling for the duke, he was falling for her, and in another world maybe they would be happy.
Sadly, happiness and the duke were two things that were not meant to co-exist.
This wasn’t about her. Nor was it about Olivia.
It was about the duke and until he came to terms with whatever it was holding him back, nothing was going to change.
Thalia had tried to make him realize what this was.
She had been desperate to break through his walls so he could see the truth.
But it was a fool’s errand, and she was done trying.
As the duke said, this marriage was only ever meant to be one of convenience and now that he had confirmed it, now that he had rejected her, all she could do was play along and bury her feelings so they might never find her.
And most of all, she had to forget about the duke. That, she knew, would be the hardest thing of all.