Chapter 25
Twenty-Five
It wasn’t until one lost something for good that they were able to understand what it was that they had been missing.
When they first married, Ronan avoided Thalia for reasons she suspected to do with his own personal struggles.
It was not because of how he felt about her, but because of how he felt about himself.
And because of this, Thalia was certain that the time would come when he realized the mistake he was making and ask her to forgive him.
This state of living was no longer the case.
Now, Thalia knew that Ronan would never speak to her again. He wasn’t going to have a sudden epiphany and accept his feelings for her. He wasn’t going to move on from what had happened and accept her as a part of his life. He wasn’t going to fall for her as she had for him.
Ronan had removed himself from her life completely, and there was no going back.
Thalia had come to understand something about her own feelings that she had not been willing to admit to fully until now.
Not only did Thalia care for the duke, but she loved him. And this love, doomed to be unreturned, slowly broke her apart. As the days wore on and the depression set in, she wondered often how she could possibly live this way for the rest of her life.
This cannot go on. To live in hope is one thing, but to have that hope taken and dashed into oblivion completely is another.
Once, I was able to tell myself that Ronan would change his mind and that kept me going.
Now… what is the point of going on when the end is sure to be as miserable as the present?
She drifted through the days like a ghost.
She was unable to concentrate. Her appetite left her.
She could not sleep, and she was tired constantly.
And every time she heard footsteps coming from within the castle, when she spied the duke’s shadow down the hall, her heart would catch in her throat, and she would feel fear and desperation and sadness all in one.
Wondering… praying that he would come to her.
Knowing that he would not. Resigned to a life of loneliness because she had made one stupid mistake.
Thalia spent days considering what she was going to do.
There was that part of her that wanted to speak to Ronan again. To make him see reason. But she knew that to be folly, as there was no reason to be seen. She had lied to him. She had betrayed him. She had done wrong, and there was no excuse to be made.
There was another part that tried to resign itself to this state of being that would be constant for the rest of her days. She and Olivia living in this castle, life going on, her daughter safe and looked after as she had always wanted. Is that not what matters the most?
And finally, there was that niggling voice in the back of her head, one that she heard the loudest whenever she pictured the duke and remembered how he made her feel.
When she looked ahead, thinking how her life might be if she stayed here, she quickly realised it would be a most dreadful experience, and one she would not wish upon her worst enemy.
As long as she stayed here, she would not forget about the duke and her feelings would never leave her. And because of this, she had but only one real option to take.
It was thus five days after Ronan confronted her that Thalia came to a resounding decision. But before she could make it so, there was one person she needed to speak with. The one person who this would affect the most.
“Olivia, come here for a moment, please.” Thalia was sitting under a decrepit tree in the back garden, watching Olivia run about as she played at some game featuring imaginary heroes that only she knew the names of.
Olivia wore a delighted smile on her face, puffing heavily, her cheeks flushed red from all the running she was doing. “What?”
“Come here, please.” Thalia patted her lap and smiled.
Olivia was quick to rush across the garden and fall into her lap. “I almost won,” she cried joyously. “The dragon, I almost got him.”
Thalia laughed. “I saw. And quite frankly, the dragon did not stand a chance against you.”
“I will get him next time, you will see.”
Thalia nearly burst into tears. She had noticed since moving in with the duke how much her daughter had changed. She was happier than she had ever been. She was more expressive and playful and eager to enjoy each day. It had her reconsidering if what she meant to do was the right thing…
Only then, Thalia looked at the castle.
The sky above was strangled in dark storm clouds. The castle itself was looming, as if it glared at them in warning. And she found the window which she knew to be Ronan’s office, was able to picture him in there, and wondered if he could hear them out here… whether he even cared.
This is not the easy thing to do, but the right thing.
“I have been thinking a little of late,” Thalia started, pulling Olivia into her and wrapping her arms about the little girl. “About my aunt, Isadora. You remember her, don’t you?”
“Of course!”
“Did you enjoy the time we spent there?”
“I did,” Olivia said earnestly. “She was funny.”
“She was, wasn’t she?” Thalia smiled at that, a tiny flicker of relief. “And she misses you dearly.”
“She does?”
“How could she not?” Thalia said. “She thinks the world of you, and I just know how much she would love to see you again.”
Olivia bit into her lower lip as she considered. “Are we… are we going to visit? Oh! She can come here! I know His Grace wouldn’t mind. I can ask him!”
Thalia winced. “You know how much His Grace likes his privacy, which is why I am thinking, that perhaps you and I should take a little trip. Would you like that? A little holiday, back to see Aunty Isadora.”
“A holiday…” She spoke the word awkwardly. “What’s that?”
“It’s when someone leaves their home and goes somewhere far away for a short time. To… to have fun and play.”
“I like to play!”
“I know you do,” Thalia laughed and squeezed her daughter in a tight hug. “Which is why we will leave at once. Tomorrow, I think. How does that sound?”
“Is His Grace coming?” she asked with obvious excitement.
“I am afraid not…” Thalia’s chest tightened. “He likes his private time, as you know. But I have already told him, and he thinks it is a good idea.”
Olivia beamed. “Aunty Isadora! Oh! Maybe she can help me kill the dragon?”
“I am sure that she can.”
Thalia felt no joy at lying to her daughter. In fact, when she called Olivia over, her intent had been to tell her the truth. But to see how darn happy Olivia was, and knowing how much she loved it here, she simply could not bring herself to do it.
That left her just the one option. Not a good one, but the only one she had.
She and Olivia would go to her aunt’s home in London, they would stay there, and in time Olivia would hopefully forget about the duke and her home… and hopefully, I will too.
“Go on then.” Thalia lifted Olivia from her lap and placed her back on her feet. “You have a dragon to slay.”
“And I will!” Olivia held up a curled fist as if she was clutching a sword then she turned and sprinted back across the garden, swinging that imaginary sword as she pretended to chase the dragon.
It would not be easy on her. And she was far too young to understand why Thalia had to do this. All Thalia could do was hope that in time, her daughter would come to forgive her. Which was more than she could say about the duke.
When the evening fell, and after Olivia was put to bed, Thalia wrote a letter for Ronan to read. She was not going to tell him in advance what she planned, figuring it would be easier for him to find out after the fact.
As she wrote that letter, she allowed the tears to well in her eyes and drip on the page, smudging the ink and staining the parchment.
She wrote from the heart, using that letter to say everything that she could never bring herself to speak out loud.
And the more she wrote, the more she came to accept the painful truth.
She had indeed fallen in love with her husband, and it was a love that would never be returned.
This whole thing had started as a marriage of convenience, and had since transformed into one of suffering and heartache.
Things were sure to get worse. Thalia did not look forward to what that would bring.
But hopefully, in time, she would heal and move on from her woes, and perhaps look back on these last few weeks with a smile one day, for they were some of the better weeks of her life.
And, as for the duke, she hoped that he would one day overcome whatever he was suffering through, and maybe even finding a happy ending of his own. No one deserved it more, and all Thalia wanted was what was best for him.
So great was her love for the duke… today, tomorrow, and sadly, forever…