Chapter 25
“I’m sorry if…what Colin said…made you uncomfortable,” Nathaniel said.
It was late afternoon. They’d come in from the picnic about half an hour ago. Colin had been yawning, so Nathaniel had sent him with his governess to go lie down and get some rest. Now he and Dorothy were in the sitting room over a game of chess.
It was a game Dorothy was about to win and they both knew it.
She’d been in the process of putting the finishing touches on this game for the past five minutes or so, chasing his king around the board.
He kept evading her traps. Dorothy was good at chess generally, but she always had a hard time ending the game.
She moved a rook, putting him in check once again. Nathaniel easily found a safe space and moved his king to it.
“Colin didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all,” she assured him. “In fact, I thought it was rather nice. The fact that he got confused because I remind him of his mother…that makes sense, and I hope it means he feels comfortable with me. I’d like that.”
“I think it does mean that,” Nathaniel agreed. “He certainly seems to feel that way, at any rate.”
“Nathaniel?” She felt shy, suddenly.
He shook his head. “I know what you’re going to ask me.”
“You do?”
“And the answer is that I don’t know.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t know what my mother looked like. I don’t remember. It’s been such a long time since I saw her. Colin saw her much more recently. So, I would tend to take his word for it. If he says you look like her…you probably do.”
“That doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable?” she asked. “I’d hate to be a reminder of painful things.”
“It might be difficult if I had clear memories of her,” he said. “But since I don’t…it’s not as if, when I look at you, I see her. I would never have made the connection at all, if Colin hadn’t said it.”
She moved a knight. “You’re in check again.”
“You should have used the rook again,” he said, evading her. “That would have been checkmate.” He pointed out the move she’d missed.
Dorothy sighed. “If you’re so good at this, why am I beating you?”
“You’re not. If you can’t manage to pin me down, it will be a draw,” he reminded her. His one remaining pawn reached the end of the board, and he swapped it for his captured queen.
“Do you think it disturbs Colin?” Dorothy asked. “I don’t want to be a negative presence, and if I remind him too much of your mother, it might make it harder for him to heal from that loss.”
“No, I don’t think so,” Nathaniel said. “I’ll watch him to see if he seems troubled, but the sense I get right now is that he likes the reminder. He likes feeling as though something of our mother is left in the world, even if it is just your blue eyes.”
“Check.”
Nathaniel moved his newly recovered queen to capture Dorothy’s rook. “And anyway,” he went on, “it makes sense now, that he felt so at ease with you. He felt a kinship with you because he was reminded so strongly of his mother.”
His mother, Nathaniel had said. Not our mother. Dorothy didn’t point that out. Maybe it didn’t mean anything significant. But she did file it away.
“It’s good to know,” Nathaniel said. “It’s good to understand why he feels the way he does.
You know how much I struggle to make him feel at ease.
I’ve had the hardest time making him comfortable here, and when you’re around, it’s like some of the sadness that has been burdening him goes away for a little while.
I’m grateful that you met him, and I’m glad he has a reminder of his mother, even if that is a bit complicated. ”
“All right,” Dorothy said. “As long as you think it’s all right. I don’t want to confuse him.”
“He’s already confused,” Nathaniel said. “You heard the way he called me Father and then changed his mind and called me Nathaniel, right?”
“I did,” Dorothy agreed. “I wasn’t sure which one you preferred.”
“I leave it to him,” Nathaniel said. “I can’t ask him to call me father.
I’m not his father, and he knows that, and I don’t know what he feels about the man who is his father.
It’s very difficult for him, dealing with the way his whole life has changed so much recently.
I want to wait and let him figure out for himself who I am to him.
If he sees me as a father figure, I welcome it, but if I’m always more of a brother that would be all right too. ”
“I don’t know why you think you’re not good with him,” Dorothy said.
“You’re a wonderful guardian, and it’s very clear how much he loves you.
I know you want him to have a mother, and I think that will be a good thing.
But I also think…if you never found the lady you’re seeking and it was just the two of you for the remainder of your lives, that you would do just fine together. ” She put him in check again.
“That’s very kind,” Nathaniel murmured. “I don’t think I can agree with you, but it means a lot to me that you feel that way about it.”
He studied the board, reached for his queen, hesitated, and pulled his hand back.
“If you touch it, you have to move it,” she reminded him, her heart beating a little faster. If he blocked her with the queen, she would be able to checkmate him on her next move. She wanted him to commit to that.
“I know,” he murmured. “But let me look at the board for a moment.
She sat back in her chair, trying not to let him see how excited she was, how sure she was that the moment of victory was here at last.
Several minutes passed. He studied the board so long that she thought perhaps he’d forgotten it was his turn. She was about to remind him when suddenly his face lit up.
He picked up his king and moved it back a place. “Checkmate.”
“What?” She stared at the board.
“The queen has you here.” He pointed out the path. “If you move here you’re in the way of my rook, and if you move here my king will take you. I’ve got you.”
Dorothy sat back in her chair, stunned. He was absolutely right. After all that, he’d been the one to win.
She looked up at him and saw that he was grinning from ear to ear, his eyes shining.
She couldn’t help it. She grinned too.
“We’ll have to do this again soon,” Nathaniel said as he walked her to the door. “It really was a lovely time.”
“It was,” Dorothy agreed. “I was so glad to get to spend a little more time with Colin. I’m looking forward to getting to know him even better, Nathaniel. Thank you for allowing it.”
“Of course,” Nathaniel nodded. “It clearly means something to him to have you in his life, and I’d be a bad guardian to refuse that. I’m just grateful that you’re so willing.”
“He’s a lovely boy.” Dorothy smiled. “I used to think, when I was younger, that I might have a child one day, and I always envisioned a son for some reason. As I grew older I came to realize that marriage and motherhood weren’t part of what life had in store for me…
but it’s lovely that I get to experience a little taste of it like this.
” She reached into her pocket and closed her hand around the rock Colin had given her.
It was just a regular river stone, but it felt precious, and she knew she would hold onto it for a long time.
“Perhaps next time you’ll be able to beat me at chess,” Nathaniel suggested with a wicked smirk.
“You got lucky,” she laughed. “If I hadn’t been distracted, there’s no chance you would have been able to beat me.”
“Distracted?” He raised an eyebrow. “What was so distracting?”
Why had she chosen that word? It felt laden with meaning all of a sudden, and she wasn’t sure what her intent had been. For that matter, what was he taking away from it? What did he think she had meant?
“It was just…a fascinating conversation,” she said. “Talking about Colin the way we were. And the fact that I remind him of his mother. I wasn’t expecting that.” She paused. “You haven’t got a portrait of her anywhere? I would like to see.”
“I don’t,” he said. “There never was one around the house. I suppose my father would have had them all taken away or destroyed once she left—if any ever existed, that is.”
“That’s awful,” Dorothy murmured. Her heart ached for him. “I mean, to erase your mother from your memory like that. Even though he had his heart broken, she was still your mother. He must have guessed you would want to know her one day. I can’t believe he would make that impossible for you.”
“Well, my father never paid much mind to what I would want,” Nathaniel said with a wry smile. “Don’t trouble yourself, Dorothy. It was all a very long time ago.”
He lifted a hand to her face. “You’ve got a bit of dirt here,” he said softly, pausing just before brushing her cheek. She supposed he was giving her an opportunity to pull back. “It must have happened when we were outside. I noticed it during the game.”
His hand hovered near her cheek a moment longer.
Dorothy felt as if she couldn’t breathe. He was going to touch her again. The heat rose to her face, and she was powerless to stop it.
He brushed the dirt away, cupping her face with one hand and rubbing his thumb gently across her cheekbone.
She closed her eyes briefly, knowing that this moment—like the last one—was going to pass, storing up the sensations to revisit later.
This was a memory she would want to dwell in, just like she had the last time his hand had been on her face.
His thumb stilled.
Her eyes opened. He was looking at her, his gaze deep and penetrating, full of something she didn’t recognize. Perhaps it was curiosity. But then, maybe it was something else….
He leaned toward her, his eyes closing.
She didn’t understand…and then, all at once, she did.
He’s going to kiss me!
That couldn’t be, could it? She was misunderstanding the situation. She had to be. He wouldn’t…she sucked in a breath, her own eyes wide open, trying to prepare herself for whatever might come next.
But at the sound of her sharp inhale, Nathaniel froze and drew back.
The moment seemed to have shattered. He looked anywhere but at her. She felt a chill of dread at the thought of what he must be thinking right now. He had so nearly crossed a line. He had been about to kiss her; she was sure of it.
And he can’t. If word of that ever got out…
Was that what had stopped him? Was he worried that if he kissed her, she might tell someone? And that it would become the kind of gossip that would hinder him in finding the wife he so badly wanted?
Either way, she knew she had to get out of his house.
“Good day,” she said quickly, turning on her heel and running for the door before he had the chance to say anything in response. She didn’t want to know what he’d say if given the chance.
She was afraid he would call after her, try to persuade her to come back.
And a small part of her was also afraid that he wouldn’t.