Kourtney
The days leading up to move-out day are incredible and difficult at the same time.
We make impromptu videos for the website, mostly because we can’t keep our hands off each other, so we have sex under the guise of the website.
We lie in bed and scroll through our social media comments, laughing and celebrating all the recognition we’ve been drumming up with our photos.
We cheer for Jason at his games, and we fall asleep wrapped around each other.
All the while, we’re waiting for our impending expiration date.
But tonight, we can’t ignore it any longer. It’s our last night together.
Celeste’s apartment is mold-free and ready for her to move back into.
I’ve thought of about a hundred different things I want to say to her to make her stay, but I already know what her answer will be.
We had a deal, and now it’s over.
Only I don’t want it to be over. Neither does Jason. And I honestly feel like Celeste doesn’t want it to be over either.
I just don’t know if she’ll ever admit it.
So tonight, Jason cooked a three-course dairy-free meal, and we’re enjoying it one last time together.
“This looks incredible.” Celeste lowers her nose to her plate and inhales a deep breath. “I love a good steak.”
“Wait until you try the mashed potatoes.” I squeeze Jason’s hand. “It’s his mother’s recipe.”
Celeste’s eyes light up. “She used to make the best mashed potatoes.” She brings a forkful of potatoes to her mouth but pauses. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when she passed. I would’ve been there if I’d known.”
Jason smiles, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “It’s okay. We were in different places back then.”
“She was always so sweet to me when we’d hang out at your house after school.”
Jason runs the back of his hand over her cheek. “My mother loved you both.”
I attempt to eat, but my stomach is in knots. I opt for wine instead and raise my glass. “To our last night together.”
Celeste coughs out a laugh as she raises her glass. “You act like we’re never going to see each other again.”
Jason glances at me before looking at Celeste. “It’s our last night living together. Being together...this way.”
“It was fun.” Celeste clinks her glass against mine before gulping down half of her wine. “I definitely didn’t expect it to be, but it was.”
Fun. That’s how she wants to spin this.
“It was fun.” I down the rest of my wine, and Jason already has the cork off the bottle, ready to pour me another glass. “I know you had your reservations about it in the beginning, but I’m glad you changed your mind.”
“Me too.” Celeste cuts into her steak and pops a piece into her mouth. “Everything came together for the website, and the videos look amazing. I can’t wait to see what happens when the website launches next week.”
Everything surrounds the website, as if this was nothing more than a business transaction to her.
I clear my throat. “I was talking about more than just the website, Celeste.”
She pauses with her fork halfway to her mouth. “Oh, yeah. I wasn’t sure how this was all going to work, but it was...fun.”
“Fun,” I echo.
“I hope my apartment doesn’t smell like chemicals when I get back there. I’m glad we moved all of my clothes out of there. Good call on your part, boss man.”
“I’m sure they got rid of any foul smells.” Jason dabs the corner of his mouth with his napkin. “Otherwise, you can just come back and stay here with us.”
“Please.” Celeste laughs. “You guys will be happy to have me out of your hair.”
My chin jerks back. “Is that what you think?”
She shrugs. “Yeah, I mean, aren’t you happy to get back to normal now that this is over?”
Normal.
Over.
Her words pierce my heart like sharp knives.
“Celeste, we don’t want you to go.” The words bubble out of me before I can stop them. “You’re acting all nonchalant like this isn’t a big deal, but it is, and I’m upset, and I don’t want you to go.”
Celeste’s eyebrows pinch together. “What do you mean? Our agreement is done. Three weeks—and we pushed it to four with Erika’s surgery. My apartment is ready, and now I have to move back.”
“Do you though?” Jason asks. “Do you have to move back?”
“Of course I do.” Celeste sets down her fork and folds her arms over her chest. “I live in my own apartment, and you two have yours.”
“So, you’re not bothered at all that this thing between the three of us is over? You won’t miss any of it?” I can’t help the accusatory tone in my voice, but I’m fighting back tears, and there’s a lump burning at the back of my throat.
“I...I mean, it was fun, but—”
“Stop saying it was fun!” I slam my palms on the table, and the silverware clangs against our plates. “This wasn’t a game. It wasn’t a party. It was us, and it was more than just a good time.”
Anger flashes in her eyes. “What do you want me to say, Kourt? Did I enjoy myself? Yes, very much so. But it’s over, and now we have to go back to our normal lives outside of fantasy land. You got what you needed from me, so now you have to let me go.”
My bottom lip trembles as tears threaten to brim over my lids. “What if we don’t want to let you go?”
Celeste’s eyes bounce between me and Jason. “That isn’t up to you.”
“You’re right, it’s not,” Jason says. “It’s up to you. But we’re letting you know where we stand so that there isn’t a shadow of a doubt in your mind. We don’t want this to be over, and I’m not talking about the website. I’m talking about the three of us being together. No contract. No videos.”
Celeste is shaking her head before Jason can finish his sentence. “No way.”
“Why not?” I swipe at a tear as it escapes down my cheek. “Why can’t you even entertain the possibility of being with us?”
“Because this isn’t what people do, Kourt.
” Celeste shoves away her plate. “This isn’t what you want.
You’re married, and you two have a beautiful life together.
Right now, I’m the shiny new toy that you want to play with, but it’ll get old.
Why wait until then to call it quits? Why not stop it now while we still have a friendship to salvage? ”
“Why are you selling yourself short?” I ask. “You’re so much more than a novelty. Haven’t you felt anything while we’ve been together these last few weeks?”
“Of course I’ve felt it. We have great chemistry, and we enjoy fucking each other. Let’s not confuse that with something more. You and I have been down that road before, and it didn’t work then. It’s not going to work now.”
Her words sting like a slap to the face.
“I think you can agree that things are a lot different now than they were back in college.” My husband’s calm voice washes over me, giving me hope that maybe he can get through to her. “You were in different places then. You wanted different things.”
“Yeah, I wanted her, and she wanted to marry a man so she didn’t have to look her parents in the eyes and tell them that their perfect daughter is in love with a woman.
” Celeste huffs out a sardonic laugh. “And you still don’t have any plans on telling them about us, do you?
So what is the point of all of this? You make this beautiful dinner and propose what, exactly?
To continue what we’re doing, but only so long as no one finds out?
I’ll just be the shameful secret locked away in your belltower so you can take me out when you feel bored. ”
Celeste spits her words like venom, and they course through me like poison.
She’s not wrong.
Of course she doesn’t want to stay with us. What do I have to offer her? A life of secrecy because I’m too scared to admit to my parents what I truly want.
Jason waits for me to say something, watching me with those keen emerald eyes of his.
But my shoulders slump forward in defeat. “You’re right. I’m sorry I even brought it up.”
I can’t bring myself to look at Celeste, not wanting to face the hurt behind her eyes like the coward I am.
Celeste’s chair scrapes across the floor as she pushes out of it. “I’m going to pack my things. No point waiting until tomorrow.”
Jason moves to stand. “Let me help.”
“No.” She holds out her palm. “Please, just let me do this on my own. You can carry my shit downstairs when I’m all set.”
My husband glances at me one last time, looking for some kind of sign that I want him to stop her.
But I can’t.
So she packs her things, and then she’s gone.
And I let her go.
I toss and turn, unable to fall asleep.
Aside from everything that happened with Celeste eating away at me, Jason hasn’t come to bed since she left.
At midnight, I wrap the comforter around my body and shuffle into the living room.
Jason’s face is illuminated by the light of the television screen, but it’s on mute.
His eyes shift to mine when he spots me. “What are you doing up?”
“I couldn’t sleep.” I swallow, taking tentative steps toward the couch. “Are you upset with me?”
He sits up straight. “Upset with you? Never. Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know. Because you didn’t come to bed...because I’m upset about Celeste leaving... because maybe you’re disappointed in me for not being able to tell my parents the truth about us.”
He holds out his hand. “Come here, baby.”
I snuggle against him as he tucks me under his arm, resting my head on his chest. My muscles relax with his soothing touch, and I take a deep inhale of his familiar scent.
“I’m upset about Celeste leaving too, but I am not disappointed in you. I could never be. You have to be comfortable with the choices you make, and I’d never want you to do something you weren’t ready to do.”
I lift my head to look into his eyes. “I don’t want you to think that you’re not enough for me. I don’t want you to think that we aren’t good now because Celeste left. Because that isn’t true.”
Jason presses a kiss to my lips. “I know that, baby. I’m not worried about your love for me.”
“Good, because I love you so much.”
“And I love you. More than all the blades of grass and all the sand on the beach.” He runs his fingers through my hair.
“But I also know that we both aren’t okay with missing the third piece to our puzzle.
I know that we don’t want to go back to being without Celeste.
And I know that you’re beating yourself up because you can’t bring yourself to tell your parents the truth, and I don’t know how to help you with that. ”
A tear rolls down my cheek. “Why is it so hard? Why can’t I just tell them?”
“Because we want our parents to love us unconditionally, and we’re terrified to find out that they don’t.” His chest rises and falls as he sighs. “But maybe life isn’t about meeting everyone else’s expectations. Maybe it’s about meeting your own and living a life you’re proud of.”
“And what if my parents don’t want to be a part of that life?”
“Then that’s their choice to make.” He pauses a moment before continuing. “You have to ask yourself: Who’s life are you really living if you’re making choices based on other people?”
“And to think I thought you were just a dumb jock when I met you.”
He digs his fingers into my ribs, and I laugh.
“Let’s throw a holiday party,” he says. “Your parents are out of town. Why not get the team together and invite all our friends over to celebrate? That’ll lift your spirits.”
My eyes widen. “I love that idea.”
“And maybe...” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Maybe you can tell everyone about your website.”
My mouth flaps open. “What?”
“I understand not wanting your parents to know about a porn-based dating site. But your friends aren’t going to judge you the same way, and you should be proud of what you’re doing. I think they’d be happy to hear about it.”
My mind whirls again. “And what about Celeste?”
“I think you should tell them about what we’ve been doing with her too—but you’d have to talk to her about that first. Make sure she’s okay with everyone knowing.”
I suck in a deep breath. “That’s a scary thought.”
“I think you’re just braver than you realize.” He presses a kiss to the tip of my nose. “And I think it’ll help you to know that you have your friends’ support.”
I nod. “I’ll think about it.”