Celeste
I spent entirely too long creating a bio on FreeMe the second the website went live.
Then I deleted everything I wrote and kept it short and simple, which might come off as boring, but I did upload some damn good pictures of myself, so that has to count for something.
The problem is, I don’t want to find someone to date.
I don’t want to fall in love with anyone.
My heart is already split in two—one jagged and bruised half belonging to each of my best friends.
My best friends.
How did I get here? How did I allow our friendship to get this convoluted? They’re the only real family I have, and I went and fucked it all up by agreeing to this insane plan. I knew it would hurt when it ended. I knew Kourtney wouldn’t be ready to tell her parents about us.
So why does it hurt so bad?
I guess expecting to get shot doesn’t take away the pain of getting shot. The wound sears and bleeds whether you saw it coming or not.
My eyes bounce around my apartment. It feels cold and empty since I moved back, but it never felt this way before. I loved my apartment. I loved being on my own.
Or was I just used to it, so I had to love it?
I rub my temples in small circles and let out a long breath through my lips.
Get it together, Celeste.
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.
As if the thought summoned the universe to help me, a message request pops up on my screen.
BossMan94 wants to chat.
I arch a brow and glance up at the ceiling. “Seriously, universe? You couldn’t have sent someone with a different username?”
I click on the guy’s profile, but he hasn’t uploaded photos or filled out any of the information.
BossMan94: You’re beautiful. That third pic is my favorite.
Me: Wish I could say the same to you, but you haven’t posted any pictures of yourself.
BossMan94: I’m not ready to put myself out there yet.
Me: That’s what this website it all about. It’s the one place you can be yourself.
BossMan94: Is that why you’re here?
Me: I don’t really know why I’m here honestly...
BossMan94: Are you looking for love?
Me: More like looking for a distraction.
BossMan94: A distraction from what?
Me: Let’s call it a complicated situationship.
BossMan94: Someone break your heart?
Me: I broke my own heart.
Me: I knew it was going to end badly, and I did it anyway.
Me: They call that stupidity, right? When you do something you know you shouldn’t.
BossMan94: Why did you do it then?
I stare at his question as my fingers hover over the keyboard.
Why did I do it? Why did I say yes to Kourtney’s proposition? I could’ve easily said no. I did say no initially. I could’ve held my ground, and none of this would’ve happened.
BossMan94: I think you did it because you wanted to.
BossMan94: Because there’s a part of you that has wanted to indulge in the fantasy of being with the two most important people in your life.
Whoa, who the hell is this guy?
I stare at his username, and then realization clicks into place.
I’m a fucking idiot.
Boss Man. He couldn’t have made it any clearer.
Me: Sometimes, a fantasy should stay just that.
BossMan94: And sometimes, a fantasy can become reality.
Me: That’s the problem with reality. It’s too real for some people.
BossMan94: She’s struggling with it, Celeste. Outing herself to her parents is a huge deal for her.
Me: And I get that. Which is why I took myself out of the equation, so she doesn’t have to do something she’s not ready for.
BossMan94: Maybe that’s not what she needs you to do. Maybe she needs you to be there for her. Maybe she needs to feel like she doesn’t have to choose between you and her parents...that you’ll be there for her through this, however long it takes.
Me: That’s not fair to me.
BossMan94: It’s not, but love isn’t fair. Love isn’t running away whenever something goes wrong. It’s standing with the person you love and fighting for them.
Me: Well, maybe I need someone to fight for me for once.
BossMan94: I will fight for you every day.
BossMan94: I’m not giving up on us.
Tears well behind my lids.
God, I miss him.
I miss the way he’d look at me. The way he always knew what I needed. The way it felt in his arms—to feel safe, to feel cared for.
To feel wanted.
BossMan94: I miss you, kókkino.
BossMan94: Come back to us.
As much as my heart is screaming at me to run to him, to them, my head stops me in my tracks.
I can’t wait around, hoping for the day when Kourtney tells her parents about us. I can’t be someone’s hidden secret. I want more than that. I want more for myself.
If Kourtney truly wants this, then she’ll find a way to make it happen.
But I won’t be sitting here waiting for her.