Kourtney
It’s launch day, and I’m sitting in my parents’ bedroom helping them pack for Italy.
Jason has an away game, and Celeste and I haven’t spoken much since she moved out.
This isn’t the way I envisioned the first day of our website going live. I should be elated that my dream came to fruition. I should be with Celeste, scouring the site for new accounts and watching for videos that might pop up. We should be together.
“Why do you keep checking your phone?” Mom asks. “Is everything all right with Jason?”
I set my phone down on her nightstand. “Yeah, he’s fine.”
“Are you fine?” She tucks a pair of pants into her suitcase and pauses to look at me. “You seem distracted.”
I force a smile and nod. “I’m good. Just tired. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”
It’s not a total lie. I’ve been having a hard time falling asleep since the fight with Celeste.
As if Dad can read my mind, he tosses his bag of toiletries into his suitcase and asks, “How’s Celeste doing? Is her apartment fixed?”
“Yeah, she’s back in her apartment, and it’s all good.”
“Is she dating anyone?” Mom asks. “I never hear either of you talk about her going on any dates.”
“She’s had a lot on her plate recently with the apartment and losing her job. She hasn’t really had much time to meet anyone.”
Dad nods. “She’s a sweetheart. I’m sure she’ll meet a nice man one day and settle down.”
A man. Because in his world, a woman has to end up with a man.
Mom laughs. “You know, I used to think she was into you when you were in high school.”
My stomach bottoms out, and my head whips up to look at her. “What?”
“You two were attached at the hip, and she always gazed at you with this look in her eyes, like...” Mom shrugs as she tries to find her words. “Like she was in love with you.”
Dad shakes his head. “You’re crazy. I never saw that look before. And kids don’t gaze at each other. You’re reading too many of those romance books.”
Mom scoffs. “Are you telling me that you didn’t gaze at me when we first started dating?”
“Men don’t gaze.” He puffs out his chest. “I saw you and thought you were beautiful, so I sat down and talked to you.”
Her eyes go wide. “You definitely gazed at me. I’ve seen it. Remember when you used to save me a seat on the bus? You’d gaze at me as I walked down the aisle. You were like a lovesick puppy.”
“I was not!”
I interrupt their walk down memory lane. “If you thought Celeste was in love with me, why didn’t you ever bring it up to me?”
Mom waves a dismissive hand. “I didn’t want to put that idea in your head if it wasn’t true.”
“Did you think I reciprocated those feelings?”
“There were a few times I wondered if you were, you know, a lesbian.”
She puts air quotes around the word lesbian, as if it isn’t a real thing, and something about that spikes my anger.
“And what if I was?” I plant my hand on my hip. “What then, hmm?”
Mom’s head jerks back. “You were in high school. You were too young to know anything about that.”
“I wasn’t too young. Kids know about their sexual orientation from a young age.”
Dad puts out his hand. “There’s no need to raise your voice over something that isn’t even true. What’s gotten into you lately? I feel like every time we have a conversation, you find something to snap at us for.”
Get it together, Kourt.
Tears sting my eyes, but I will them away. “It’s nothing. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout.”
My mother rounds the foot of the bed and places her hand on my shoulder. “Honey, I’m your mother, and I know when something is wrong. Please, tell me what’s going on. You’re starting to scare me.”
“I’m sorry.” I blink up at the ceiling, my heart thundering in my chest like a stampede of wild horses. “I’m fine.”
My voice cracks, like it’s unable to push out the lie any longer.
I’m not fine.
I’m far from fine.
And my mother knows it.
She rubs my back in soothing circles. “You can talk to us, sweetheart. Please. Are you in any kind of trouble?”
I shake my head, and a tear springs free. “No.”
“Is everything okay between you and Jason?” She pauses. “You know, marriage isn’t always easy, and it’s normal to go through some difficult times. Plus, he’s always traveling, and—”
“He didn’t cheat on you, did he?” Dad stalks around the edge of the bed to stand in front of me. “You say the word, and I’ll be on the first flight out of here.”
“No, no. It’s not Jason. God, no. He’s...” I fight to swallow past the ball of emotion lodged in my throat. “He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever known.”
“Well, that’s good.” Mom wipes the tear rolling down my cheek. “Then what is it honey? What has you so upset?”
A wave of emotion crashes on me, and all of my walls come crumbling down, like a dam breaking from the pressure.
The pressure I’ve put on myself.
The pressure society has put on me.
The pressure my parents have put on me.
“I have some things to tell you.” My bottom lip trembles as I fight to get the words out without breaking down. “And they’re going to be a little shocking.”
Mom lowers herself onto the mattress. “Okay...”
Dad remains standing, like he’s bracing himself for whatever I’m about to say.
I sit on the bed beside my mother and wring my hands in my lap.
“In high school, I...I was in love with Celeste.” I glance at my mom.
“You were right about the way she was looking at me, but I was looking at her the same way. Only I hid it from you because I was ashamed of feeling that way. I was afraid of what you’d think of me if I told you that I was into a girl. ”
Mom’s mouth falls open. “But you were with Jason in high school.”
“I wanted them both. I just didn’t understand why I was feeling that way about Celeste, so I shoved it down and pretended like I didn’t feel anything for her.
But...then we got to college. In college, we dated for four years.
” Another tear rolls down my cheek. “We were in love, and it was everything.” I close my eyes, and my chest fills with warmth at the memory of those precious years.
“But then she went to Seattle, and I chose not to go with her. I couldn’t allow myself to be with her because I didn’t know how you’d both react, and I was too scared to find out. ”
Mom sniffles. “Oh, honey. You’ve been holding that in all this time?”
I nod. “I was heartbroken when she left, and I went through it alone because I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“But then you got back together with Jason,” Dad says, his eyebrows pushed together. “You married Jason.”
“I did.”
Mom tilts her head, recognition settling in. “But then Celeste came back.”
“Then Celeste came back.” My hands shake. “And all the emotions came back with her.”
Dad shakes his head like he’s confused. “So, what are you saying? Are you leaving Jason to be with Celeste? Because that’s crazy. You can’t—”
Mom silences him with her hand. “Let her speak, Jerry.”
I lift my eyes to my father, looking into the same brown eyes as mine. “I’m not leaving Jason. But I think...I think the three of us are going to be together.”
Mom looks like a deer in headlights, stunned into silence.
My father waves his hands in front of him. “Now, hold on a second. What the hell is that supposed to mean? You’re married. You can’t be with Celeste too.”
“Yes,” I whisper, barely able to get out the rest of my sentence. “We want to be together, the three of us. And we already have been.”
Mom clamps her hand over her mouth.
“What do you mean you already have?” Dad plants his hands on his hips. “The three of you have been together?”
I nod. “It happened while Celeste stayed with us last month. The three of us, we have a connection.”
“You can’t do that.” Dad says it like he’s making a decree. “That’s illegal, Kourtney. There’s no such thing as having a husband and a wife.”
“I know that. But Celeste doesn’t have to be our wife. We don’t need legal titles or a piece of paper to define our love. We can just...be.”
“This isn’t love,” he spits. “This is absurd.”
My heart cracks like he hit it with a baseball bat.
I lift my chin and summon the courage to continue. “I know this is hard for you to understand. I know—”
“No, this isn’t hard for me to understand.” He jabs his finger in the air. “You’re the one who seems to not understand how the world works.”
“Enough, Jerry.” Mom finally speaks up. “Stop yelling at her.”
“Well, someone has to get through to her,” he says. “What do you have to say about this, Madeline? Our daughter just told us that she’s involved with her best friend and her husband, and you think this is okay?”
Mom throws her hands up. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I think, but I know that you need to stop yelling because it’s not helping.”
Dad shakes his head. “This is disgraceful, Kourtney Ann. You’re a Catholic child of God.”
“No, Dad. I was raised Catholic. Those are your beliefs. Not mine.”
“Kourtney,” Mom hisses.
“I’m sorry, Mom. But it’s the truth. I don’t choose to blindly follow a faith where people believe that everyone isn’t loved and equal.”
Dad’s face reddens. “Is this because of that tranny, Erika?”
“Dad!” I shoot up from the bed. “You can’t say things like that, and no, this has nothing to do with Erika. I know this is hard for you to believe, but this is one hundred percent me. No one made me this way. No one influenced me. That’s not how it works. This is the way I was born.”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “Well, I don’t accept that.”
Another crack to my heart.
My voice quivers when I say, “Then you don’t accept me.”
He clears his throat and turns away as he walks over to his suitcase. “Your mother and I need to finish packing for our trip.”
“Jerry, please.” Mom hiccups as she swats away a tear. “Let’s talk about this.”
“I have nothing left to say. If this is the decision she wants to make, then she can make it without my blessing.”
I suck in a breath and stand tall, waiting for the final blow to my chest. “What are you saying, Dad?”
“I’m saying you should leave.”
It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. Maybe because I already knew in my heart that this would be his reaction. But it kills me to leave my mother upset like this.
I pull her in for a hug, and whisper in her ear. “I love you, Mom. Have a great time in Italy.”
And then I’m out the door.