Chapter Fourteen #5
My mother had been trained as a doula after she’d married my father, and had helped many Toaqua women give birth alongside Luana.
It had been part of her role as the female head of the Toaqua tribe.
She knew a lot about having kids, too, since she’d pushed four out herself, so I felt safer when she was nearby.
If anyone could handle insane circumstances, it was Sophia Mitoh.
She’d brought an end to the Hawkei Civil War, so she could help me have a random mystery baby, right? Right?
“Where’s Daddy?” I really wanted my dad right now. He’d either tell me everything would be all right or rip Charlie’s head off, and both were great options.
“Near the edge of the shield, getting the soldiers ready to push the Warden back.” Mama brushed my hair. “I promise everything is going to be all right.”
I don’t know what happened— I was getting by before my mother came in, but once she started to reassure me, I immediately burst into tears. “I’m so stupid!”
“Oh, Ava.” Her cool hands were reassuring, but it wasn’t enough to calm me down.
“I should’ve noticed! I don’t know why I didn’t!
” Tears pooled from my eyes. Charlie’s expression wavered, like he was seconds from breaking down alongside me.
This was the last thing we needed to deal with when our marriage was crumbling.
Now we were having a baby in the middle of a divorce.
How in the world were we going to fix this?
“This isn’t your fault, Ava. Any symptoms of pregnancy would’ve mimicked the symptoms of your spinal injury, and you wouldn’t have been able to feel the baby move well,” Mama explained.
“You already have urinary issues, chronic pain, fatigue, and so many other things that go along with pregnancy, so nothing would’ve appeared unusual to you.
Any pregnancy signs would seem to be nothing more than spinal injury complications, to you. "
I supposed that was true. My periods hadn’t been consistent before I got injured, and since I’d broken my spine they only showed up every few months or so.
I guess I had skipped them for a while… a long fucking time, actually…
but I’d never kept track of them, because they were so random and spread apart.
I often felt unwell, so anything that might’ve been a result of the pregnancy, I would’ve brushed off, because I would’ve assumed it had something to do with my spine.
I had been gaining more weight, but that had been happening since I’d gotten hurt.
I used to be too thin, because back at the Institute I’d exercised to the point of exhaustion and starved myself for days.
I’d finally recovered from disordered eating in the past year, so I didn’t consider it abnormal that I was heavier now when I was actually finishing my meals.
I’d figured the extra weight gain had been because I’d spent my days sitting around in my chair and very little time exercising my upper body.
Apparently not. “But a whole baby? How did I not notice until now?”
Mama shook her head. “The doctors think the baby is very small, Ava.”
Luana began to sign again, and Mama watched her carefully. “If Luana’s guess is correct, and it usually is, you’re barely seven months into your pregnancy.”
A cavern of dismay opened inside my gut. “The baby’s… going to be premature?”
Mama nodded. “Yes. They’re preparing the NICU for the delivery now.”
My mind calculated numbers quicker than my thoughts could race to catch up to them. “If I’m seven months along, that’s only twenty-eight weeks. Will it… will it survive?”
I didn’t want this baby, had no desire for it.
But that didn’t mean I wanted it to die.
This baby had to live, because if it didn’t, that meant it was my fault it died, because I didn’t get the right prenatal care.
I’d already killed so many children when I’d tried to end the world.
I couldn’t let the death of this child be on my hands, too.
“We’re going to make sure we do everything possible for the health of this baby,” Mama said.
“But this baby has Mitoh blood, and if there’s anything we know about this family, we can survive the worst this world throws at us.
Disease and death have tried to kill me, you, your father, your brother, and everyone else in our bloodline, and we’ve all remained strong through the worst of it. This baby will be strong, too.”
“Okay.” I pulled myself together. Now wasn’t the time to lose it, even though all I wanted to do was cry. “I guess I’ll try my best, though I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Your body will do the work for you.” Mama continued to stroke my hair. “And I’m determined to give you a better first labor than I had. You’re in the right hands.”
“Why did I need an epidural?” I asked. “I can’t feel anything.”
“You can’t feel labor pains or your uterus contracting, but your body can.
Your autonomic nervous system is still registering the contractions and responding,” Mama said.
“Because your brain isn’t sensing the pain, your body could go into shock and create a sudden rise of blood pressure, which could cause a heart attack or stroke.
The epidural is a safeguard against that. ”
“But what if I can’t push?” I asked. “I don’t have great control over anything that’s lower than my hips.”
“The contractions will push the baby out, and if you can’t push yourself, we have tools to help you deliver.”
That helped ease some of the tension. I didn’t have to do this all by myself.
Mama glanced Charlie’s way. “Charlie, you look rather guilty. I want to remind you that even though you and Ava are having marital problems now, you weren’t when this baby was conceived.
This child was made out of love between two married people. It’s okay that this is happening.”
“It’s not that,” Charlie started. “I mean, I know Ava didn’t want this, so sorry in advance.”
“I laid down and asked for it, so it’s not on you. It takes two, you know,” I replied.
“Yeah, but you never wanted kids. You made that known,” he said achingly.
“I wouldn’t have been with you if I didn’t accept that as a possibility, Charlie,” I said quietly. “I wouldn’t have let you lie down with me if I hadn’t been willing to carry your baby. I wouldn’t sleep with any man who I wouldn’t want to father my child.”
Charlie’s face crumpled as he struggled to hold it in, and Oberi gave a tiny whimper. It was clear my words hit him hard, blowing up whatever was left of his heart I hadn’t ruined.
Well, it was the truth. Maybe there had been a time when I’d been okay with the thought of Charlie getting me pregnant, having kids, enjoying a normal family life.
I’d always been wary of the thought of being a mom, but I’d never been completely opposed.
If I had found out I was pregnant before Charlie had broken our bond, we would’ve been excited about this.
It would’ve felt like a celebration instead of a tragedy…
something to pull us closer, instead of something to fight over.
Charlie shivered. “Okay. I still feel like this is my fault, though. That the baby’s coming, I mean.”
“How?” Mama asked.
“We were… I was touching her when she started bleeding,” Charlie babbled. “Did I do something to cause this?”
Mama shook her head. “No, Charlie. Nothing you could’ve done would’ve made this happen.
In fact, it was probably a good thing you two were being intimate, because there’s no telling if Ava would’ve noticed she was bleeding until it was too late.”
“It feels like it’s too late already!” I complained.
“You got here before this became a life-threatening medical emergency,” Mama said. “Now you’re in the proper place for the doctors to take action if it does.”
She glanced at the heartbeat monitor before she asked, “Do you need anything at the moment to make you more comfortable?”
“I don’t know what’s allowed. But my mouth is really dry.”
“Ice chips would be best,” Mama noted.
“I’ll get some.” Charlie was already moving out the door. I allowed myself to smile just a little. He was being so helpful, or at least trying. I think it was his way of telling me that although I was doing the work, he wanted to be here to help me.
“Nothing to say about me screwing around with my ex-husband?” I asked Mama, dropping my voice low.
“I’m not going to judge, and he’s not your ex-husband yet,” Mama whispered softly. “You might want to think about putting the divorce on hold for a moment.”
“Yeah, Mama, no shit. Thanks for stating the obvious.”
She reached out to grasp my hand. “I know this is frightening. But I’m not leaving you, and I’m going to be here every step of the way.”
“I didn’t want to be a mom.” My voice cracked on the last word. “Now I don't have a choice.”
“We can figure that part out later. All you have to focus on is getting this baby out,” Mama said. “We take this one step at a time.”
“But giving birth is so scary. You nearly died when you had me,” I whimpered.
“Your birth was traumatic, Ava, but I had wonderful births with all your other siblings. They came easily, without much pain at all. Birth can be frightening and painful, but for some, it can be simple, even pleasurable.”
“Like that’s going to happen for me, seeing as my lower half’s not working as it is,” I grumbled.