Blue
Blue
We drain and refill the tub, shivering and clinging together with soft laughter as we wait to sink into fresh, warm water. We take our time shaving and leisurely washing one another, fingers and lips relearning angles and curves and memorizing the softness of wet skin. The house is empty when we finally leave the bathroom, and I hope that Jayce and Namid left right after we got home so they didn’t have to hear us in the tub. I’m the furthest thing from a prude, but in a way, they’re like Ethan’s brothers, brothers he hasn’t even had a chance to reconnect with yet, and I don’t think listening to us fuck in the bathtub is necessarily the best way for them to start bonding.
It turns out that bathtub sex might be magical, but it’s not magic. Ethan manages to stay with me long enough to eat some soup and toast before curling up in my arms on the couch, but we’re not even halfway through a movie before he’s sniffling quietly. He’s once again lost in tears by the time I get him to bed. This time, though, he’s not alone. He doesn’t ask me to leave or pull away from my touch. He curls into my chest, and I hold him, tracing my fingers along his spine and whispering into his hair. I tell him that I love him and that everything will be okay. I tell him that the part of his heart that belongs to Jordyn will always exist, and that’s a good thing because it means he’ll never truly be completely gone. He cries harder for a while after that, but then he calms and curls further into my arms and drifts to sleep. I hope when he dreams, there is only love and trees and laughter.
He’s still sound asleep when I slip out of bed and settle on the couch to watch the pale morning sunlight filter in through the windows with the first of what will likely be many espressos. I’m grateful that, unlike me, Ethan has spent the money on a machine that produces actual coffee rather than mud or plastic-flavored water. The knock at the front door that startles me from a daydream is so quiet I barely hear it, but I’m sure anyone who’s knocking at the unholy hour of nine a.m. knows what’s been going on and doesn’t want to bother Ethan if they can avoid it.
“Hi. How’s…everything?” Namid’s smile is hesitant and hopeful as he stands at the door with Jayce’s arms wrapped tightly around him from behind.
“Hey, guys. They’re umm…better, I guess. I mean, maybe not better. I don’t think he’s going to feel much better for a long time, but he’s trying to let me in, so I think…ya…better.”
We stare at one another for a long, heavy moment before I realize that I’m still standing in the doorway and they’re out in the cold.
“Fuck, sorry, come in.”
“No.” Jayce responds so abruptly it almost startles me, and Namid smacks his arm and smiles up at him before turning back to me, shaking his head with a laugh.
“Sorry about that. It’s kind of you to offer, but we need to head home. We’ve been more than happy to be here to help out for the past few weeks, and all you need to do is reach out, and we’ll come back if you need us. But it’s been…a lot…for me to be around this much pain for so long.” He cringes and bites at his bottom lip like he’s trying to decide whether or not he has more to say. “I, umm…I’m very…empathic, I guess. Other people’s emotions really get to me, and being around so much loss for this long…” He exhales sharply. “Well, it’s just been a lot, and as long as you think you guys will be okay on your own for a while, I really need to go home.”
“Of course. I know we haven’t really gotten much of a chance to talk, but I hope you know how grateful I am that…”
Footsteps shuffling down the hallway pull my attention away from my words, and we all turn our heads in time to see Ethan pop out from around the corner .
“Oh. Hi, guys.” He’s clearly trying his best as he walks toward us and snuggles under my arm, but his voice trembles just a little.
“Do you want to come in?” His fingers are digging into my back, but he’s trying so hard, and I’m so very proud of him.
“No, thank you.” Namid smiles kindly. “We were just telling Blue that we need to go home for a while.”
Ethan just nods.
“We’d like to see you again, though, if you’re open to that.”
Ethan nods again. “Ya. I’d…I’d like that. Maybe we can have dinner sometime?”
“We’d love that. I’d really like to get to know you; you’re my family after all.” Namid’s voice is strong and steady, but his eyes are starting to glisten, and nothing about him seems like he’s just being polite. I think he really does want Ethan to be his family.
“We’ll be back in the city in six weeks to meet with Max about exhibiting some more of Jayce’s work. If you’re feeling up to it, maybe that would work?”
There is something about Namid that feels comforting. He’s gentle and quiet, and his hopeful expression is slowly melting the tension in Ethan’s shoulders .
“Ya, that…that would be good. Do you think…” Ethan pauses to take a deep shuddering inhale. “Do you think my dad would come too? I mean, I know it’s been such a long time, and he probably doesn’t want to come. We haven’t even talked on the phone in years, and I…”
“Ethan.” Namid reaches out to rest his hand on Ethan’s arm. “He’ll come.”
Ethan chokes out a sob, and his arm tightens around my waist. “He doesn’t have to. I mean…”
“Oh, Ethan…” Namid cuts him off again. “He loves you. He loves you so much. He hasn’t talked about you a lot over the years, but he doesn’t talk much about your mom either. It’s just how he’s learned to make it through. Your pictures have always lived on the mantle and his nightstand though. They still do. They were the first things he put up after we moved, and every time he looks at them, he’s filled with so much love and so much longing. He wants to have you back more than anything.”
“How do you…I mean, you can’t possibly…He’s said that?”
Namid smiles and shakes his head. “Not in so many words, but I know it’s true. You’re just going to have to believe me with this one. I know you’re drowning right now. I know how overwhelming your grief feels, but there is so much love surrounding you, Ethan. Blue and your dad and your friends, even me and Jayce. I know it’s not always easy to accept that others love us for who we really are.” He turns quickly to glance up at Jayce, who brushes a kiss against Namid’s forehead. “But it exists, and it is surrounding you. All you have to do is hold onto it, and it will pull you through.”
Namid squeezes Ethan’s arm before letting his hand fall away. “We’ll see you in six weeks for dinner, okay? All of us.”
Ethan just nods, but even that is a huge step for him right now.
It’s not an easy six weeks. Ethan still spends more time than not curled up in sweats on the couch, but even that is an improvement to crying in bed alone. Some days are better than others, with small smiles and moments of shaky, tentative laughter sneaking in. Some days are filled with nothing but anguish. He lets me hold him when he cries, and he’s started to eat a bit more regularly. He’s even been to the gallery to work a handful of times. With Ethan away, the merger timeline has slipped a bit, but whenever he speaks to Max, she’s always quick to assure him that it’s not a big deal. The more time passes, the more it bothers him, though, and his anxiety is slowly but surely pushing him back to work. The fact that he’s going to see his dad for the first time in more than a decade is doing the same thing. The closer we get to the Saturday night that we’ve scheduled dinner, the more nervous he gets. Normally, I’d do my best to convince him that it’s not something he needs to be nervous about, but the more he focuses on the present, the less time he spends thinking about the losses of the past.
Ethan is a mess, and it’s adorable. By the time there’s a knock at the door, he’s showered twice, managed to burn pasta somehow, panic-dusted the tops of the light fixtures, and refolded the throw blanket on the back of the sofa at least thirty times. I’ve helped him restart new pasta, interrupted him in the shower to distract him with my tongue for a good twenty minutes, and wrapped him up tightly in my arms to nip at his ear when he picked the dust rag up and glared at the bookshelves like they were his mortal enemy. He’s snipped at me for my interruptions, kissed me until we had to force ourselves apart to catch our breath, and thanked me over and over for trying to calm him down. He doesn’t have to thank me, but I let him anyway before hugging him tightly to my chest and telling him once more that I love him.
Ethan jumps with a startled squeak at the sound of their knock. He looks close to hyperventilating, but he steadies himself with a long, deep breath, slips his hand into mine, and pulls me with him toward the door. When he pulls it open, time simply stops existing. Namid and Jayce are standing slightly behind an older man with salt-and-pepper hair who looks startlingly similar to Ethan. Even though the man has to be in his early sixties, he still has the same broad shoulders as Ethan, and the strands of hair that aren’t white are the same dark auburn. His eyes are the same stunning emerald green, and they’re filled with hope and wonder and fear as they glisten with unshed tears.
“Ethan.” The man’s voice is deep and harsh, and I’ve never heard a single word filled with so much emotion in my life.
Ethan chokes out a sob, and then they’re both moving and crushing one another in an embrace filled with more than a decade of longing and regret and love and hope.
Watching them reunite is like watching two people find long-missing pieces of their souls, and it feels almost intrusive to stand here infringing on such a private moment. I must not be alone in wanting to give them some time to themselves because the moment I turn away, Jayce and Namid step carefully past them to follow me out of the room. As we cluster in the kitchen, Namid’s unusual indigo eyes glisten with unshed tears, and Jayce holds him close.
“They never stopped loving each other; they just lost their way for a moment.”
He doesn’t say it like it’s something he hopes is true. He says it like it’s a fact. I haven’t spent much time with them, but it’s clear that the level of emotional empathy Namid mentioned he has is a gift that not many people possess. I don’t question his statement, not only because of his talent but because it’s clearly obvious how much Ethan and his dad missed another, how much they still want to be a family.
When they finally join us, their eyes are red, but they’re smiling so wide that their cheeks might hurt by the end of the night if they keep it up for long. When I extend my hand to Ethan’s dad to introduce myself, he clasps it tightly and pulls me into a long hug instead. His eyes are filled with tears again when he finally backs away.
“Thank you.”
“What in the world for?” I have no idea what this man should be thanking me for.
“For caring for my son when he was alone. For loving him.” His voice is shaky and quiet, but I’ve never heard a more sincere thank you in my life.
“It’s my pleasure, sir. Loving Ethan is the highlight of my life.”
“Ken. Please call me Ken, and that’s…I’m more grateful to hear that than you’ll ever know. Ethan deserves nothing less than to be loved that way.”
Ethan steps close, wrapping his arm around my waist and pressing a kiss to my cheek as the kitchen falls silent. For a moment, there is only the sound of breath and the heavy weight of loss and love flowing through us as five near strangers stand together in the hope that maybe one day, what has started here tonight will grow into so much more.
“Well.” Jayce claps his hands together loudly, scaring all of us into jumping. High-pitched yelps dissolve into laughter as we all remember how to move once again.
Dinner is long and comfortable, and there isn’t a single burnt noodle in sight. We talk about Ethan’s work and travels, about the way Ken’s life had simply carried on after Ethan left, with little variation for nearly fifteen long years, aside from the excitement of Namid’s sudden and unusual appearance in his life. We talk about how each of us found our way to Seattle, all quietly hoping to find something different…something more.
We talk about my glass and Jayce’s sculptures. His all sold the night of the exhibition as well, but they were all older works that they’d shipped with them during the move. He’s working on a new line for a solo exhibition, and Sky of Souls will be displayed over the summer.
We don’t talk about Jordyn much, but there will be time for that later. Ken knows that his son has loved two men in his life, and he’s grateful that Ethan has gotten to experience what he and Katherine once had.
It’s late by the time Ethan and I are alone once again. He is quiet and introspective as we change and crawl into bed, but his eyes are soft, and a smile that never quite fades plays at the corners of his mouth. We’ve made plans to head out to Ken’s home for Sunday dinner in two weeks. Namid and Jayce will be joining us as well, and I think that for maybe the first time in his life, the hope that Ethan has always clung to and believed in with all of his heart, no matter how hard it became, might not be necessary. For the first time, Ethan just might have everything he’s always wanted.