Epilogue - Ethan
Epilogue
Ethan
Paint is everywhere, and I am clearly not looking at the start of a brilliant new career.
The stripe of deep-green paint on my cheek is still wet and slippery when arms reach around me from behind, and Blue’s chin comes to rest on my shoulder.
“I told you once that I was sure you must make at least some art once in a while. Turns out I was right.”
I laugh and wrap my arm back around his neck, holding him tightly against me so I can rub my green sticky cheek against his. We’re halfway between wrestling to see who can cover the other in paint faster and tearing off one another’s clothes to fuck on the hardwood floors when the front door slams .
“Gross. It’s a good thing you guys are moving out. I can’t handle any more of this smoochy-face nonsense.” Gabriel curls his nose up at us in disgust, but when he throws his arms around both of us, he ignores the fact that he’s risking getting paint on the designer shirt he deliberately wore so he couldn’t be forced to help in order to squeeze us both tight enough that I’m afraid he’s going to crack someone’s ribs.
Even though my dad, Jayce, and Namid’s place on the peninsula is beautiful, our life is in the city. I took Max up on her offer, and managing all the finances, grants, and business ventures of the combined gallery and four artist spaces that now make up Emerald City Arts keeps me busier than I’ve ever been. It’s different from anything I’ve done during the past decade. I’m no longer creating plans to help others follow their dreams and wishing them the best as I walk away. Instead, I’m front and center, watching artists and employees and, of course, Max, Emily, and Troy make their dreams come true every day. Blue still has his job at the Sky Lounge, but he only works part-time these days. He’s had a few collectors buy up the rest of his back-catalog work, and the one-time burst of income has allowed him to cut back in order to spend more time working toward a solo exhibition, and Max has one tentatively scheduled toward the end of the summer.
Blue and Gabriel have loved living together for the past six years, but after the fifth or sixth time Gabriel walked in on us in, let’s say, compromising positions, we decided it might be a good choice to get our own place. We found an apartment a few blocks closer to the outskirts of the city. It’s a lot closer to the ferry terminals and cuts half an hour off our trips to the peninsula on weekends, but it’s still walking distance to the hot shop.
Things between Dad and me are moving slowly. Not because either of us is unsure we’re making the right choice by reconnecting, but because we want to build a solid foundation as the men we both are now. Blue and I have been going out to spend time with him every two weeks. We spend those Sundays exploring new small towns and beaches and finding hidden forest trails to wander along before we join Dad, Jayce, and Namid to have dinner together as a family. Jayce isn’t much different than the boy I remember from my childhood. He’s quiet and strong and introspective, but his eyes are keen and filled with laughter, and once in a while, he’ll manage to have us all laughing so hard we’re fighting back tears. Namid is kind and thoughtful, and now that I’ve spent time with him and my dad together, it’s clear that he’s never taken my place. They have their own father-son relationship, and I’m grateful that they found one another when they were both so alone in the world.
Gabriel has come with us a time or two, and he fits right in as though he was always meant to be a part of our small group. Nothing about the time we all spend together is awkward or strained or uncomfortable. It’s new, and we’re all still learning to navigate what it means to have people who care after so many years on our own, but it’s good. It’s filled with hope and love and laughter and light, and after fifteen years of wandering and searching for something indefinable and elusive, I’ve found everything I’ve always wanted. I’ve found a family.
Blue presses a kiss to Gabriel’s cheek. “We love you too.”
Gabriel sniffs loudly. “Ya, I know. What’s not to love?”
“Hey.” I shimmy around until I’ve loosened his octopus-like grasp. “You know we’re only ten minutes away, right? It’ll be like we never left, aside from the fact you won’t regularly walk in on us naked.”
“Ya, I know, but I sort of liked that part.”
He looks absolutely devastated until Blue reaches up and pinches his nipple.
“Hey!” He jumps away, rubbing his chest.
“Ashwipe.”
Blue just grins and reaches for his other nipple.
“Oiy. Fine. Since you’re just going to be mean to me, I’m going to leave. I’ve helped enough for one day, and I have a date.”
“Helped? You brought pizza and ate more than half of it yourself.” When he jumps away from Blue’s pinchy fingers, he lands close enough that I can lean in and kiss his other cheek while I tease him .
“Yep, and that was plenty of help. It looks like you guys are basically done here anyway.”
“We are. We just need to throw out all of the painting trash, and we’ll be right behind you,” Blue half yells in response as he walks down the hall to grab the last of the butcher paper drop cloths, leaving me and Gabriel alone for a moment. He watches Blue disappear down the hall with a look that’s almost wistful, and a part of my heart breaks at the fact that, in a way, we’re leaving him behind on his own.
“You sure you don’t want to stay in with us at home tonight?”
“No, babe, I’m good. I’ll see you in the morning, though, huh? I’ll stand half-naked in the kitchen and try to pick up a hot, sweaty mover.” He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
I pull him into one more bone-crushing hug before he clears his throat, kisses my forehead, and spins toward the door without a word. I don’t follow him. He needs to handle such a big change in his own way.
I’m stacking the last of the paint cans by the door to be taken to storage with a few other things once the movers are finished tomorrow when Blue joins me. I pull him into my arms, and he settles back against me, vibrant blue hair tickling my cheek as we look around the now emerald-green living room. The place needed some work when we found it a few months ago, but we’ve worked hard refinishing the bamboo floors and tearing out old, damaged moldings. Blue even commissioned a fellow artist who specializes in stained glass windows to replace the broken kitchen clerestory windows with custom glass, filled with forest scenes. It’s taken a lot of time and effort, but we’ve done everything together. We’ve created a place we both love.
We’ve created a home.
I don’t believe that time heals all wounds.
What I do believe is that often, the passage of time allows us to learn to live with them. I will never be the man I was before my mom died, before Jordyn didn’t want me, before I left home. I won’t ever be the man I was before I learned of Jordyn’s passing either. Right now, I don’t know exactly who I’ll be once the pain of his loss fades to a dull ache, but that’s okay because whoever I become, I know that I’ll be right here, standing with Blue by my side.
I know that no matter what happens in the future, I won’t try to outrun my loss or pain or fear. Running didn’t take those things away when I was a young man; it only led to years of loneliness and longing. For the rest of my days, I’m going to try my best to hold Blue close through any storms we might encounter, and I have hope that we’ll come out the other side together.
Jordyn was my first love. He will always be my first love, and I will always feel that the world is just a bit emptier than it was with him in it. I don't believe his loss was a sacrifice that needed to be made for Blue and me, or Jayce and Namid, to find happiness. But I like to think that wherever he is in the universe, whatever magic he found when he left us, he made sure to send just a little extra our way. Just enough to make sure we were happy. Just enough to convince me that, just maybe, not everything needs a concrete explanation. Maybe sometimes, it's enough to simply accept happiness when you stumble onto it.
I've never believed in magic or the mysteries of the universe or the idea that some things simply fall into place the way they're meant to.
But who knows…maybe that Marigold lady was right. Maybe magic does exist.