Chapter 38
A Thousand Years – Christina Perri
Gunner
Dawn was breaking through the mountains, and it was a breathtaking spectacle.
The sky was ablaze with vibrant hues of pink, purple and orange as the sun climbed over the silver peaks of the majestic mountains and I understood why this was Nash’s favorite time of the day.
His favorite place to watch it, on Mom’s old rocker on the porch with a cup of coffee in his hand.
Yet this morning, it didn’t have that same appeal. Probably because I’d barely slept all night and felt like shit. I’d thought about calling Cassidy, but there were still some vestiges of anger in my chest. Who that anger was aimed at, I wasn’t sure.
That was the thing about anger, it was often an irrational emotion, one borne because you didn’t know how else to feel.
You were happy but didn’t think you should be so you got angry.
You were grieving and you got angry because of your loss.
You were in love, but the other person didn’t feel the same, you got angry.
You didn’t listen to your girlfriend, fucked up and got angry.
Dropping my feet from the balustrade of the porch to the floor, I let out a huge sigh.
Expelling all the negativity I’d stored up over the last fifty or so hours.
When I’d realized I was being mad at the wrong person, I’d used work as an excuse not to call Cassidy.
Songbird’s foal was running a temperature, so I’d been with her until it had broken just after nine.
I’d told myself it was too late at night to have a conversation of the kind we needed, so had fallen into bed and attempted to sleep.
Hours of tossing and turning and I’d given up and come outside to contemplate the great pile of shit I’d dropped myself into.
Top and bottom of it was, I needed to apologize and listen to what she had to say. I’d go over to her apartment after she finished work, talk to her, ask her to forgive me and then ask her what she wanted for her future.
Firstly, I had a job to do and some planning on how I was going to get her to absolve me of being a dick.
“Ruthie,” I cried, waving across the yard. “Good to see you.” I glanced down at my phone; it was only just four. The day had screamed by since I’d started working at five that morning. “What are you doing here?”
“I took a day off to catch up on chores,” she told me with a small grimace. “Said I had strep.”
“Naughty, naughty,” I said with a laugh as I reached her at the door of my office.
“I won’t ever do that when I’m working for you.” She bit down on her lip and closed her eyes. “Oh, God, have I messed up?”
“Ruthie, don’t sweat it.” Amused, I opened the door and stood aside to let her in. “I don’t blame you. That manager of yours hasn’t been wholly fair with you. What can I do for you anyway?”
Following her in, I went to my desk while she took a place in front of it her hands clasped in front of her.
“Lucas is having a play date with some friends, so I thought it might be a good opportunity for me to get started on some work before next week.” She smiled hopefully. “I don’t want any pay.”
“No, you do the work you get the reward, Ruthie.”
“You giving Lucas riding lessons is payment enough.”
I waved her away. “It’s my pleasure. Honestly.” And it was, especially when a certain brunette joined. The thought of Cassidy maybe never coming back to the ranch made my chest tight and I swallowed thickly. “So, what do you plan on doing?”
“Entering some of those invoices on the system?”
“Sounds good to me.” It was one of the tasks I’d given myself to do over the week, so I was more than happy. Plus, I was desperate to go and see Cassidy and put things right...if she’d let me. “You okay to lock up when you’ve finished?”
She held up the keys I’d given to her a few days before. “Absolutely. Go and do whatever you need to do. I’ll be here for a couple of hours.”
“Coffee should still be warm, if you want some.”
She held up a water bottle. “I’m fine. You go.” Ruthie turned away from me and grabbed a bunch of papers and started sifting through them.
With the knowledge that my office would soon be a well-organized hub of administration, I left to go and sort my life out. First I need to go and get something from the box I kept at the bottom of my closet.
The drive to town gave me too much time to think.
Too much time to rehearse words that sounded hollow and inadequate.
That was the problem with apologies; they never seemed to capture the depth of what you were really trying to say.
Especially for a man like me who wasn’t great at words.
Which was why I hoped the little box on my passenger seat would be able to speak for me if I was lacking.
As I pulled off Latymer, I spotted her car parked outside the school.
Good, she was still there. Cassidy often worked late, especially when she had math competitions to organize.
Her dedication to those kids went beyond the classroom and it was one of the things I’d grown to admire about her, once I’d got my head out of my ass and realized the truth of who she really was.
I parked beside her car and sat for a moment, gathering my courage. The last time I’d been this nervous around a woman...hell, I’d never been this nervous. The thought of losing her over my own stubbornness made my stomach twist into knots.
Grabbing the small box, I headed into the school.
The hallways were quiet, most of the classrooms empty, bar the odd teacher who stayed behind as I made my way toward Cassidy’s room.
Through the small window in her door, I could see her at her desk, head bent over papers, a red pen in hand.
The sight of her made me pull up short, just to watch her, drink her in.
Her hair was falling from its ponytail, and she kept pushing stray strands behind her ear as she worked.
I knocked softly, startling her. When she looked up and saw me, her expression shifted from surprise to wariness. Without waiting for any further response, I opened the door.
“Gunner.” She set down her pen, straightening in her chair. “What are you doing here?”
I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. “I needed to see you.”
“I’m working.” Her voice was measured, careful. She was protecting herself from me and that knowledge cut deeper than any anger I’d had.
“I know. I just...” I held up the box. “I brought you something.”
Curiosity flickered across her face despite her obvious attempt to remain detached. “You brought me a gift?”
“Not exactly a gift.” I moved closer, setting the box on her desk. “More like a peace offering. Or maybe a promise.”
She eyed the box suspiciously. “A promise of what?” Her fingertips whispered over the top of it as his gaze slowly lifted to mine.
“That I’m listening. That I hear you.” I pushed it closer toward her. “Open it.” I swallowed. “Please.”
Her fingers hesitated over the lid before she finally lifted it. Inside was a small silver pin in the shape of a horseshoe with tiny emeralds set in it.
“It was my mom’s,” I explained. “She gave it to me when I first started riding. Said it was my good luck charm to make sure I never fell off.”
Cassidy’s eyes widened. “Gunner, I can’t take this—”
“Oh, I’m not giving it to you.” I smirked. “And that’s a bit forward of you thinking that Miss. Turner.”
Cassidy’s lips twitched with a hint of a smile, and I felt my chest release, like the strap binding my heart had been loosened.
“Can I explain?” When she nodded, I crouched down in front of her.
“The camp was your idea, Cassidy. And somehow I turned it into this test of your commitment to me, which was unfair and stupid.” I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated with myself.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said, about the camp not working and us not working. ..”
She flinched slightly, and my own heart stalled for a beat.
“The thing is,” I continued, “the camp might not work. Hell, we might not work. But I want to try both things. And if only one works out, we’ll deal with that then. And if neither works...” I swallowed hard, hating the idea. “Well, then at least we gave it our best shot.”
Cassidy looked down at the pin, her fingers tracing its outline.
“I never meant that I didn’t believe in us.
I just...I’ve lost a lot of people I cared about, Gunner.
Not just my parents but the foster kids, too.
I knew it was temporary, yet it still hurt like hell when they had to go.
It felt like I wasn’t seen to be good enough to see them through the next stage of their life. ”
She’d seemed at peace with what had happened with the foster kids. I hadn’t even considered that she might feel like that. I had a lot to learn about being in a relationship, maybe we both did.
“I know.” I reached out, not quite touching her but letting my hand rest near hers.
“I’ve been there too. I know how damn hard it is even though I tried to be the positive one.
” I thought about my conversation with Wilder about our father.
“God, Cassidy, me and my brothers have all probably had thoughts about Dad being a different parent if maybe we’d been different kids, but it’s not on us and those kids being found homes isn’t because you weren’t good enough, it’s because you were eighteen. ”
“I know that deep down.” She blinked rapidly, voice fraying at the edges. “But when everyone leaves eventually...maybe the common denominator is me.”
Something fierce and protective surged through my chest. “No.” I cupped her face, thumbs brushing the soft skin beneath her eyes. “Listen to me. You’re not someone people leave, Cassidy. You’re someone people come home to.”
“So where does that leave us?” she asked, finally meeting my eyes.
“That depends on whether you’re willing to forgive a stubborn, shoot-his-mouth off-think later cowboy who’s falling in love with his teacher girlfriend.”
The words slipped out before I could stop them. But seeing the surprise bloom across her face, I didn’t regret them.
“You’re falling in love with me?” she whispered.
I nodded and blew out a slow breath. “Yeah, sweetheart I am. I hope that’s enough for you and if all else fails we’ve got the lucky horseshoe.”