Chapter 37
Irreplaceable - Beyonce
Cassidy
“Okay,” Lily said, her sigh heavy as she flopped down onto a chair next to my desk. “What’s going on?”
She’d been in my class earlier, collecting some paints and had seen straight away that I wasn’t my usual self. I wasn’t wearing makeup for starters and I never went anywhere without wearing my mascara. I was also wearing a blouse which in no way went with the stripe trousers that I was wearing.
“Nothing,” I lied.
“Don’t believe you.” She looked me up and down, her eyebrows drawn in disgust. “Look at that outfit for starters.”
“I know, I know. It was dark when I got dressed.”
“Clearly.” Linking her fingers and placing them on my desk, she leaned forward. “Is your lack of dress sense anything to do with Gunner’s black mood?”
“Well, he didn’t like the yellow bib overalls I wore a few months back and got covered in strawberry milkshake for his troubles, but I doubt he’d still be moody because of my clothes choice.
” I shrugged like it didn’t matter but it did.
It hurt. He’d hurt me by jumping to the conclusion that I didn’t care about him or the camp.
It hurt that he hadn’t called to see if we could talk about it.
“What is the reason for his mood then, because I know you know.” Lily’s blue eyes stared at me, uncompromising yet understanding.
“We had an argument.”
“Is that all? Nash and I argue all the time.” She squinted at me through one eye. “Well, bicker really and I’m pretty sure he does it for make-up sex. He says I’m wild when I’m mad at him.”
I loved Lily dearly, but sometimes I didn’t want to hear about all the sweet that she had at home with Nash. I was plain and simple jealous, or I had been until Gunner. Now, though, it felt like I’d be going back to that place again. The one where I was an onlooker to happiness.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, Lily. Don’t worry about it.”
She schooled her expression into something akin to concern. “Tell me why some make-up sex isn’t going to fix things.”
I shrugged. “It might.”
“When was the last time you spoke to each other?”
Thirty-nine hours and forty minutes ago. “Monday night at the meeting. I was asked if I was leaving here to work full-time on the camp and Gunner didn’t like my answer.”
“Which was?”
“That I was committed to my work here.”
“Which is right.” A tiny line appeared between her eyes. “But Gunner didn’t agree?”
“He thought I was going to teach at the camp eventually. And by saying I was committed to the school meant I wasn’t committed to the camp.”
“Okay,” she replied.
I swallowed the scratch at the back of my throat, wondering when the heaviness in my chest would eventually disappear. Or would it always be there, like it was for my mom.
“Cassidy, you should talk to him,” Lily urged. “It sounds like a misunderstanding that you can both work through.”
“I won’t be controlled, Lily. Forced to work at the camp because that’s what Gunner wants me to do.
I have my job, my profession.” The hurt was mixing with anger and creating bitterness.
Not a feeling I was used to. Not even losing my parents had made me bitter, sad and angry but not bitter because it was the circle of life as ugly as it was.
Lily’s smile was soft and gentle. “Does that really sound like Gunner to you, honey? You really think he wouldn’t want you to be in charge of your own life, your own destiny?”
Now she came to mention it.
“No,” I said with a pout. “He wouldn’t.”
“So why do you really think he was upset? Hmm.” She was giving me her Teacher look, the one she gave the kids when she was trying to coax an answer from them.
“I’m so glad you don’t teach me. I hate that look, it’s worse than your, ‘I’m not mad I’m just disappointed’ look.”
She gave a quiet chuckle. “Have you thought about it?”
“I don’t know. That he doesn’t think the camp will work without me?”
Lily rolled her eyes. “Do I have to point it out to you?”
“Seems so.” I scoffed and picked up my phone, checking again whether I had any messages.
“He’s scared that if you’re not committed to the camp then you’re not committed to him either, you idiot.”
My heart stopped for a beat before picking back up at double speed. “Really? You think, because I’m not so sure.” Then I remembered the conversation we’d had.
“What if I give up my job at the school and the camp doesn’t work? W-what if we don’t work?”
“And there it is,” he snapped. “Well, thanks for the belief in the camp and in me, Cassidy.”
“He doesn’t think I believe in him,” I whispered. “In us.”
Lily reached across the desk and took my hand in hers.
As her thumb stroked the back of it she met my gaze.
“The Miller men are complicated, Cassidy. They have a complicated relationship with the man who was supposed to teach them how to be men. He wasn’t a good father even less so after their mom died, so everything they know they’ve taught themselves because only so much of the good came from their mom. They were so young when she passed.”
“I know, it must have been so hard on all of them, Gunner talks about her so fondly.”
“Unlike Nash,” she gave a little laugh, but it was sad.
“He barely ever talks about her. Never did when we were teenagers either. He finds it too sad.” Lily exhaled slowly like she was expelling all the unhappiness she felt on behalf of her husband.
“Nash broods, Gunner shoots from the hip and Wilder jokes through his worries, it’s how each of them deals, Cassidy. ”
“Shooting from the hip is true. Then he thinks about it later, three years later in some cases.”
“Exactly.” Her smile was tender. “The point I’m making, Cass, is that he’s probably scared of losing someone else and totally overreacted. You don’t want to commit to the camp, so you don’t want to commit to him. But you know maybe that’s why you won’t commit to the camp either.”
I frowned. “Because I don’t want to commit to him?”
“No, because you’re scared of it. In case you lose someone or something else you love, too.”
I let out a harsh breath. “How has this suddenly become my fault? He’s the one who stalked away like a spoiled toddler.”
Lily then gave me her Mom expression. “Not what I said but think about it, why didn’t you put him straight?
Explain it differently. Why didn’t you say, ‘I can’t commit to the camp because it’s not even started yet, but I love you and if there is a need for me to teach at the camp then I’ll consider it. ’.”
“Why? Because I don’t love him.”
Lily snorted. “You so do. You need to wise up to that and the fact that while the Miller brothers are totally adorable, extremely hot and incredibly good with animals and children they are a little bit stupid in the ways of love and romance. Nash is getting there because I’m a great teacher, but Gunner needs a little help.
We’ll leave Wilder for now, but he will need assistance eventually. ”
I couldn’t help laughing because she was exactly right about them. She wasn’t right about me being in love and unable to commit, though. Was she?
Whether she was or not, I knew I had to speak to Gunner. We needed to talk and be honest with each other about what we wanted for our futures. If they didn’t match up then I’d have to deal. I had to make him see, though, that the camp and us weren’t mutually exclusive.