Chapter 36
Say Something – A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera
Gunner
The thing about being angry with someone you care about is that it fucks with your head.
When that person is someone you know you’re falling for it fucks with your stomach, too.
Mine felt like it had a tornado inside it, whipping everything around making me feel constantly nauseous.
The problem was the anger was still boiling in my blood, too.
It was a maelstrom of feelings and emotions, good, bad and everything in between all because of that tiny damn brunette.
“You’re such a jealous girl, aren’t you?” I pulled an apple from my pocket and held it out, palm open, to Ariel, who had just nudged her way past Rocket, the horse I was working with, to steal his treat.
I often brought her into the training paddock with the skittish ones. There was something about her—so steady, so quietly sure of herself. Her inner calm had a way of settling them. Just like she did me. Just like she had every day since Mom had passed. Always there. Never leaving.
She took the apple without hesitation and ambled off, leaving Rocket to reclaim his spot at the fence. I fished out another apple and offered it up to him, just like I had my heart to Cassidy.
At least Rocket was grateful, his whiskers tickling my palm as he took the treat.
“Take my advice, Rocket boy,” I muttered. “Don’t let a woman in. It’s not worth it.”
“Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good.”
I turned to see Nash strolling toward me, he was still wearing his gloves and his chaps and had dirt streaked across his face.
“You look like you’ve had a morning.”
“Yeah.” He took his ball cap off and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “We lost a cow. Almost lost the calf, too, but luckily I was with a couple of the guys checking the water tanks over there.”
“What the hell happened?” It might have only been one cow, but they were our livelihood. If it was illness it would not be good, especially if it was something that could spread through the herd.
“Wolf.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m worried that if he’s hungry enough to attack in the daytime that it’s because he’s got a family of more hungry wolves.”
“Shit. Did you see it?” I asked, looking him up and down to check he was okay. “You sure the Mountain Lion isn’t back?”
“No, it was a wolf. Managed to get a shot in. Think I caught it.”
“I told you to get Wilder to teach you how to shoot.” I slapped a hand on his shoulder. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Although, the day could have started better.” He stretched his back and groaned. “The trip to Bozeman was a failure.”
“Wilder called?”
“Yeah, he reckons they must have photoshopped the images they sent us because he had no muscle, looked like he might be nearer to ten than three and in our brother’s words, ‘his balls were like shriveled grapes’.”
“Sounds like a shit twenty-four hours all round.” I turned back to Rocket who was strolling across the paddock to Ariel. “I can’t get him into a stable without him kicking and bucking, then someone has to stay with him for at least thirty minutes.”
“Is that what he’s here for?” Nash wandered to the fence and propped one foot on the bottom rail. “Because he can’t be stabled.”
“That and the fact they can’t get him into a starting gate, which for a racehorse is pretty shitty.” We seemed to be getting more and more horses with that problem. Maybe the damn jockey needed training, not the horses.
“Hmm I get that.” My brother braced his arms and gave me his Dad expression. “And what’s wrong with you? Why look so glum chum?”
“Told you the horse.” I avoided his gaze, looking out to the green pastures in the distance.
Emerald waves Cassidy had called them, and she was right, they did look like the swell of the ocean lapping against the grey of the mountains.
I wanted to crumple to the floor thinking about her and what might be lost.
“Truth now. What’s eating you up?” Nash grabbed my forearm and pulled me to face him. “Come on Gun, tell me.”
I groaned. A deep one right from the bottom of my gut. “I think maybe me and Cassidy have kind of ended things.”
He blinked slowly. “Fuck off. Really?”
“Yep. Well, I think so.” We both rested our arms on the top rail and watched Rocket.
Maybe it was because we were men, or maybe because we were brought up by a dickweed of a dad, but we often had our most meaningful conversations not looking at each other.
“I thought she wanted the same as me, you know. With the camp.”
“I thought she was all in. Last night at the meeting she was supporting it and us.” He sighed and I wondered what was going through his head. Whether he was wondering what I’d done to mess it up, because let’s face it I wasn’t known for my relationship success. “What did she say?”
Thinking about it, her words, it didn’t seem quite as negative or as world crushing as it had at the time.
“It was when she told Margie that the school was her priority,” I told him.
“And?”
I turned to see him looking like I’d just told him that Unicorns really did exist. “What’s that look for?”
“Of course, the school is her priority over the camp. That’s her job, her profession.”
“But we talked about her teaching at the camp full time?” The words rolled off my tongue with a hint of bitterness.
“Talked or agreed?” Nash asked. “Did you draw up a contract?”
I sighed. “No, of course, we didn’t. We talked about it, and she thanked me for believing in her.”
Nash rolled his eyes, and I knew who the bad influence was on Bertie for that habit.
“Quit with the damn eye roll, Nash.”
“Well, you quit being a pussy then,” he cried.
Rocket’s head shot up, his cautious eyes on us.
“Sorry,” he whispered and ducked his head in regret before putting his eyes back on me.
“You need to man up and realize that her putting her job first, the kids she teaches first, is an admirable quality.”
“But we were going to do this together.” I waved my hand in the direction of the camp. “It was her idea; it’s become something that I can’t imagine not happening.”
“Who says it won’t happen?” He threw his hands in the air. “I heard what she said at that meeting, and she was reassuring a worried parent. Gun,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder, “what’s this all about? Really?”
“I told you. It was my understanding that she was going to teach at the camp.” My words were firm. The bitterness had gone but the anger was still there.
“We don’t even know if the camp will work yet.” He was quiet and controlled. Just like he always was. The voice of reason. “What if it doesn’t go ahead because of the development?”
“So, you’re doubting it now as well.”
He shook his head. “For fuck’s sake, Gunner. No, I’m not doubting it, but why ruin everything with the woman you love over something that we’re in the first stages of or because she’s good at her damn job.”
“I never said I loved her,” I bit back.
Nash’s lips quivered into a smirk. “Whatever little bro. The point is don’t push her away for something that might not even be an issue.”
“Says the man who wouldn’t even look at Lily when she came back.”
He shrugged. “And look how miserable I was until I saw what a dick I was. Now I’m the happiest fucker on earth.”
“Most annoying fucker on earth.” I pushed off the fence. “I have work to do.”
Nash put a flat palm against my chest. “Gun, don’t ruin this because you’re too pig-headed to talk to her.
Whether you believe it or not you love her, or you’re well on the way to it at least. That my friend,” he tapped my pec with his pointer finger, “is fact and whether she teaches at the camp or not won’t change that.
It won’t change how she feels about you, unless you carry on being a fucking turnip. ”
“You don’t know how she feels about me,” I spat back like a spoiled toddler.
Nash simply laughed, from deep in his belly, waved a hand at me and then strolled off pulling his ball cap back on.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I was being petulant about the whole thing.
Damn it there was no maybe about it. Of course, Cassidy’s work should be her priority.
If it had been another teacher and I’d thought she was quitting on the school, on the kids, I’d be pissed.
If they’d even considered it I’d have questioned their suitability as a teacher.
I should be proud of Cassidy and help her to achieve whatever dream she had, not force her to fulfil mine.
It still smarted, though, and I knew if I spoke to her now I’d say the wrong thing.
It would all come out wrong and I knew she wasn’t a woman who’d keep allowing me to fuck up.
Damn it, that was what I liked about her.
I looked back out to those emerald waves she loved so much and sighed.
“I’ll give you today Miss. Turner,” I whispered against the wind, “but then I’m coming for you.”