Chapter 25
25
Rain pattered against the glass on my window. I watched it for a while, curled up, still chained to my bed. It felt like I’d already been here for a century. My body ached. I was hungry, but the dinner that was brought for me had gone untouched. Plain rice and water. I wasn’t hungry for that kind of food anymore…The manananggal was taking over soon. It would be a full moon tomorrow.
I thought about my father, my mom, and my friends, and felt like I’d let them down somehow. At least my mom wasn’t here to see what I’d become…Though I did wish I could see her one last time. She was safer in the human world. It was better this way.
Lucas and Elias had left me to discuss what to do next. I was too tired trying to stay human. It was as if the last shreds of my humanity were clinging to me by a single thread. I should have locked myself away like Yara had, sacrificed my freedom for everyone else, been brave. But I wasn’t brave. I was afraid and lonely, and all I wanted was for someone to help me. And in the end, this was what had come of it.
My room smelled heavily of garlic; talismans dangled from every surface of the room—my walls, my bed, the ceiling. Incense clouded the air and filled my nose, all in an attempt to keep the monster inside me contained, but I knew that it wasn’t enough. The healers in the palace didn’t know what else to do with me. I didn’t know how else to explain it, but I knew deep within me that something was wrong. Anytime I tried to pinpoint exactly what it was, I felt an oily black darkness bubbling in my gut, staining my heart. I was rotting from the inside.
I heard the door open, but I didn’t move to see who it was. The sliver of golden light from the hallway spilled across the wall, and a shadow passed across it. At first, I thought maybe it was an assassin here to finish the job, and I didn’t fear death. A part of me was resigned to the idea. Maybe it was better after all, for everyone, if I was put out of my misery.
“MJ.” It was Lucas’s voice. I would know it anywhere.
I felt the bed compress behind me, then his warm body curled against my back while he draped his arm over me. I wanted to shrink away from his touch, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be held by him so badly; I was fighting with myself. His breath tickled the back of my neck, and I closed my eyes, imagining this as the life we could have had if things had been different. I imagined this was us on rainy nights, nestled against each other and drifting to sleep.
His lips brushed against my neck, and he gave me the smallest, lightest kiss. For so long, we hadn’t been able to talk. The last time he’d kissed me felt like a lifetime ago. And so much had changed since then. I’d changed so much since then. I closed my eyes and wished this could last forever.
But it wouldn’t.
I sat up, breaking away from him and letting the warmth go. The chains on my ankles and wrists clattered together, a constant reminder that I was a prisoner. A punishment of my own choosing.
“What about Jade Mountain?” I asked. “Is Qian gone?”
Lucas sighed heavily and sat up, too. He brushed his hair away from his forehead, then took a breath, letting his hands drop to his lap. “He’s declared war on Biringan,” he said. “His army will be here soon to ‘liberate the kingdom.’?”
“What can we do to stop him? What about our forces?”
“Elias and I had to organize as many encantos as we could, but our numbers are too few. The neighboring courts aren’t ready. Usually with war, there’s time to prepare. This feels more like…”
“Qian is planning a conquest.”
Lucas sighed again. He looked tired. The circles under his eyes were dark, and a line had appeared between his eyebrows while his mind, no doubt, raced about all the things we still needed to do. He was wearing a cotton shirt and pants in Sigbin blue, and he looked so mature, even in the dim light of my room. He needed to stand against an army. It was his duty to protect.
“MJ,” he said again, turning his dark eyes to me, pleading. “What happened?”
It was time to finally tell him the truth. “I don’t know why or how this started,” I said. “One night, I had a terrible nightmare. At least, I thought it was a nightmare. But when I woke up, I found out I’d hurt some villagers.”
Lucas furrowed his brow in thought. “The monster before we left for the great house. That was…”
I nodded. “Me. Nix tried to help me. Amador, too, in the end.”
A lot of things started to make sense for him while I spoke, and I could see it all over Lucas’s face. “That evening in the cave?”
I nodded again. “I was going to turn. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to see me like this,” I said.
When he looked at me, it felt like my heart was breaking.
“You let me…hate you,” I said, choking on the words. A sob threatened to escape, but I stifled it. “I know about you and Amador.”
Lucas nodded, but he didn’t seem surprised. Amador must have told him that I did. “I wanted to protect Amador from her family’s expectations, but I needed to protect you, too. I didn’t want to choose between anyone, but I had to.”
“I know. I realize now. I saw you at the docks with Romulo.”
Lucas’s eyes went wide, but he let out a breath. “Amador sent me to find a way to break our oath of devotion, and Romulo thought he knew of someone…I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed both of you.” He stared at the fire, his gaze distant.
“You’re noble, and you pretend not to be. You affiliate yourself with thieves and pirates just as much as you do with princesses.”
Lucas allowed himself to chuckle. “I never thought I stood a chance with you, though. You’re a queen. You’re supposed to marry kings—people who are your equal. I’m just a knight.”
Lucas’s jaw clenched, and he brushed his hand through his hair again. It was a nervous tic, one that made me feel closer to him after noticing. I only wished we’d been able to spend more time together for me to notice even more.
“I guess we’re all bound to our titles,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me what was happening to you? I would do anything to help you.”
“I was afraid—afraid that you would want me dead.”
His eyes glistened in the firelight, and he reached out and touched my hand. “MJ…”
“I’m a monster. I’m dangerous. How could you ever want to love me?”
Lucas looked ashamed. He lowered his head and swallowed thickly. “I should have told you from the start about my true feelings. But I respected Amador and wanted to protect her, too. Please forgive me. I won’t keep any secrets from you ever again.”
“We both kept secrets. I don’t want to be away from you. I know you are bound to Amador, but I truly do love you.”
Lucas’s gaze leveled with mine. “I love you, too,” he said. And I was ashamed it took me this long to believe it.
“I’m worried I’ll never be able to say it again,” I said. “Tomorrow night, with the full moon, I’ll be a manananggal forever.”
“We can’t give up. There has to be a way we can stop it.”
“I don’t know what else there is to do. And even if there was, I’m not sure there’s enough time.”
Lucas slid off the bed and stood in front of the window, his hands folded firmly over his chest, thinking.
“Nix and Amador tried everything they thought of,” I said. “The only history I found was about Yara Liliana.”
“Who?”
“Exactly. She was a cursed princess, one of my ancestors, who had turned into a manananggal, too. I found her diary, and…she was never seen again.”
“Did it say how it happened to her? Any clue we might have that can break the curse?”
“No. Though she did say her heart was broken, and she needed to marry before the full moon or else she would be a monster forever. It didn’t happen soon enough for her, though.”
Lucas looked guilty. “So it’s because I broke your heart that this is happening?”
I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “People get their hearts broken all the time, and they don’t turn into monsters.”
“You’re not like everyone else.” Lucas’s shoulders dropped, but he still looked pained. “There has to be something we’re missing.”
“I found Yara’s tomb. It was empty. I don’t think she was ever buried.”
“Or she never died…”
“She looked like the lady of the mountain,” I said. “I think she became a spirit to stop herself from becoming a monster.”
That seemed to frighten Lucas. “You’re not dying. I’m not letting that happen.” He rubbed his jaw and paced the room. “And with Jade Mountain at our doorstep by tomorrow, it complicates everything.”
Time was running out for everyone. I wasn’t sure what else we could do.
“I love you, Lucas,” I said. “But it’s too late for me. You have to let me go.”
“What are you talking about? I’m not giving up!”
“Why? I’ll only hurt you.”
“I don’t care! I’ll do anything to be with you, monster or not!”
I almost laughed. “Unless you have some magical antidote or something out of a fairy tale, like the power of true love’s kiss—”
Lucas swept in and planted his lips on mine, stopping my words. My breath hitched, and my heart threatened to burst out of my chest.
My hands lifted as if by their own accord and rested on his shoulders, pulling him tighter against me. His lips were soft but firm, and he sighed into me. It was like nothing had changed between us. That day in the cave hadn’t been magic at all. It was the desire the both of us wanted to act upon but were unable to show.
He cupped my face, his hands warm against my cheeks, and my mouth slipped open, deepening our kiss. The sound of the rain turned into white noise as we embraced each other, caught in each other’s touch. His thumbs traced delicately against my cheek; the tips of his fingers brushed the soft skin behind my ears.
“I love you, MJ,” he said, breaking apart from me briefly before kissing me again. “I’ve loved you since I met you.”
His words lit something inside me, warm against the cold rot in my chest. “I love you, too,” I said.
A cry escaped me, and I crushed my mouth against his. I smiled despite the aching sadness gnawing away at me.
He pressed himself against me, and I fisted my hands against his shirt, unwilling to let him go. I wanted him—I needed him to kiss me so I could at least have this moment to remember forever. Even if I forgot who I was when I finally turned, I wouldn’t forget this last kiss.
His full lips were pillow-soft, each touch something new. He pulled me impossibly closer to him. Heat flared all through me. I felt like I could fly.
“I love you so much,” he repeated against my lips. “I can say it a million times, and I’ll say it a million more.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me to sit on the edge of the bed, then knelt in front of me. He kissed my fingers and my knuckles, eyes closed with such earnestness that it made me ache. “I love you—everything that is you,” he said.
“Not how I am now,” I said.
“I sense danger every day. And I have never felt it when I’m with you.” He touched his lips to the fingers that would turn into claws, that could tear flesh from bones, and he wasn’t afraid. He didn’t shy away from me, even when I tried to curl my hands away from his mouth. I fought every instinct to hide, and opened my hand for him. He kissed each finger, dragging his lips up my hand, my wrist, my arm, my shoulder, my neck.
His breath was hot and sweet against my body, and it made my skin tingle. When he kissed me again, I placed my hands on his sides, pulling him toward me as I lay down.
He braced himself around my body and kissed me until my lips went numb, then touched me everywhere—my arms, my hips, my thighs. Even with my eyes closed, I could picture him so perfectly, his face hovering over mine, taking in every part that I hated about myself but that he seemed to love.
In the stories, they say that true love’s kiss can fix everything, and in that moment, it was starting to feel true.
“Lucas,” I said, between kisses. He pulled back slightly and looked down at me. I felt like I could fall into those golden-brown eyes and drown. “I…What about Amador?”
Lucas sighed and rolled off me. “Amador and I have an understanding. We both love each other—not like that, but still. I know she doesn’t desire me.”
“You really care for her, don’t you?”
“Different kinds of love can be just as strong as romantic ones.”
“And yet you have romantic love for a monster.”
He tucked a loose piece of my hair behind my ear and kissed me again.
But I broke away from him, resting my forehead against his, and breathed deeply. The moment was so sweet, I wanted to appreciate every second. We stayed like this, our heads pressed together, his hand cupping my cheek. The rain drummed a beat on the window, reminding me that time was ticking away. I only wished for this to last forever.
“We all have darkness inside us,” he said. “Yours is only a part of you, and I love you too much for me to stop because of it.”
Even if these were my last remaining days as myself, they would be good ones with him.
The door suddenly opened, and light flooded into the room. Lucas and I peeled away from each other just as there was a surprised squeak, followed promptly by the door slamming again.
“Nix!” I shouted. “It’s fine!”
Lucas wiped his mouth with the back of his wrist, color rising to his cheeks, and he lifted himself off my bed to adjust his clothing when Nix reappeared in the room, poking her head in first with a hand over her eyes.
“Sorry to interrupt,” she said.
“You don’t need to hide your eyes, Nix. Everyone is decent.”
Nix lowered her hand and stared at the both of us before stepping fully inside. Behind her was Amador.
“Were you two just kissing?” Amador asked, a grin forming.
Lucas’s mussed-up hair was a dead giveaway, but I said, “A little.”
“How are you feeling?” Nix asked me.
I adjusted the iron cuffs on my wrists. “I don’t feel any worse .”
Lucas asked Nix and Amador, “You two were helping MJ this whole time? And I didn’t know about it?”
Amador, arms still folded over her chest, tipped her chin in my direction. “You kept my secret; I kept hers.” It was surprising to think that Amador had actually become my friend despite our history.
Lucas nodded understandingly. He looked at me the way I’d always wanted to be looked at. All this time, I thought we couldn’t be together. He had so many reasons to be afraid of me, to run as fast as he could away from me, but he stayed.
“Well, we wanted to come here now because there’s one other thing we can try,” Nix said. “I’m not sure it’ll work, but it’s worth a shot, right?”
“What?” I asked.
“Amador and I were doing some more reading about aswangs, and a lot of them talk about the classic warding rituals to either weaken them or kill them. But I’ve read a lot about antidotes and magical panaceas, like bezoars and toadstones. But there was one that was rumored to be effective against flesh-eating aswang. It’s called a coconut pearl.”
“A coconut pearl? Like, a pearl from a clam, but inside a coconut?”
Nix nodded. “They’re supposed to be incredibly rare, and it could take us lifetimes to find one. But if we do, it could be the cure we’re looking for.”
Lucas sighed. “But the chances of that are so low, maybe impossible, and by then…” He trailed off. He didn’t want to say too late , but everyone, especially me, knew what he meant.
“But tomorrow will be the full moon,” Amador said.
“And Jade Mountain will be here by then.”
“Then we have no time to lose,” said Lucas.
“It’s useless,” I said. “It would be too much. I can’t ask that of you.”
Lucas looked at me, a hard line in his brow, and he fisted his hands at his sides. “I’m not giving up on you.”
Lucas went for the door, and I heard him call out to the guards standing just outside.
“By order of the crown, every available coconut is hereby a top priority. Merchants, farmers, and guards from all over Biringan are to bring whatever coconuts they can find here to the palace at once. Halt all other orders. This is for our queen’s life.”
“Yes, sir!” they said before rushing off.
Before hurrying after them, Lucas glanced back at me one last time and said, “I will move an entire mountain for you if I have to.”