Chapter 28
28
‘Are you all right?’ I asked.
She nodded but gripped my hand a little tighter than before. We walked through a shaded pathway speckled with towering trees, and my thumb gently stroked the back of her hand.
‘Could we speak about some … stuff?’ she asked quietly.
‘I’m great at talking about stuff. I love stuff. It’s actually my favourite subject.’
She smiled a little. ‘It’s stuff related to … us. It’s about where this is going, and my views on relationships outside of marriage.’
The word marriage flared up like a warning sign in my mind. No girl had ever brought up the topic before, not even Chloe, and we’d been together for a long time. I tensed up but tried not to let it show on my face.
‘Go ahead,’ I replied anxiously.
‘I told you before that I don’t give my number out to any guys, and I meant it. I don’t usually do this either.’ She gestured to the space between us. ‘Date anyone, I mean.’
She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. ‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that our boundaries and expectations are probably very different. Maybe we should talk about them?’
‘I don’t have any expectations, Zara.’ I rubbed my neck awkwardly, unsure of how to proceed with this conversation. ‘Let’s just see where this goes naturally, OK?’
She stopped walking, pulled her hand out of mine and crossed her arms.
‘I’m from a more conservative background than you. If my parents or any elders knew I was here, with a boy, all alone …’ She widened her eyes and remained frozen like that for a few seconds, letting the message sink in. ‘They’ve raised me with quite strict Islamic values. And honestly, I do still hold those values close to my heart.’
It suddenly occurred to me just how different our lifestyles and concerns were. I was used to not labelling things when I spent time with a girl. I went out on casual dates whenever I felt like seeing someone; I kissed or touched them if they wanted it too and it felt right in the moment. But Zara hadn’t experienced any of these things, which meant that everything she went through with me would be a first for her. She wasn’t only thinking about what felt right for us; her mind was also filled with the expectations of her parents, community and God. I felt a sense of responsibility settle on my shoulders; I really cared about her and didn’t want to do anything to make her uncomfortable.
‘I’m sorry. I feel like I’ve been a little oblivious to some parts of you. Why don’t you tell me what your expectations and boundaries are?’
‘Honestly, I’m just figuring them out now,’ she replied nervously.
‘That’s OK,’ I said, trying to reassure her. ‘Just communicate with me.’
Some of the tension across her forehead eased away. ‘All I really want to communicate right now is that I’ve never been physical with a guy before. And right now, I’m not sure I want to be until marriage.’
‘That’s perfectly fine,’ I replied. Despite the sinking feeling in my chest, I respected her decision completely.
‘Also, I do want to spend more time with you but it’s hard in between school, work and the curfews my parents put on me. I’ll try to see you whenever I can, but I just need you to understand that I don’t have the same freedom you do.’
I nodded. ‘Got it. I would never put you under pressure to see me. We always have FaceTime, right? I love those goofy faces you make at me.’
A small smirk appeared at the corners of her mouth and my heart leaped. I loved making her smile.
‘Are you sure I’m not too different to what you’re used to?’ she asked in a small voice.
‘You’re perfect, Zara. You’re the one I want.’ I hesitated. Maybe we were having this conversation because she was now second-guessing this entire thing and where it would go, but the thought of not seeing her any more set me on edge. ‘What do you want?’
‘You,’ she replied simply, and I exhaled in relief.
I found us a quiet spot underneath an English oak tree, and we stopped to enjoy the view of the Serpentine, taking in the sparkling lake, the bright blue sky, the majestic greenery.
Zara spread her arms out, smiled widely and took a deep breath, as though a weight had lifted off her. ‘I love it here. I can’t believe I’ve been in London my whole life and never come here before.’
It was beautiful that she found pleasure in the small things. Everything about her was beautiful. It was only our second date, but I could sense how deeply I was falling already.
‘What’s your favourite memory?’ I asked.
She gave me a curious look.
‘Everyone has that one vivid memory of pure happiness. What’s yours?’
Her head tilted as she contemplated, and then her eyes lit up.
‘I have an amazing best friend, Sal. You’re going to love her, trust me. She’s such a fan, by the way. So last summer we spent a lot of time doing each other’s make-up in my bedroom. My summer playlist was on repeat, which she found super annoying, but I loved! We laughed so much, over the silliest things. I helped her shoot the weirdest YouTube videos and it was hilarious. Still not as funny as all the prank calls we did! I was just so grateful that she’d come over to chill with me even though she was allowed to go out and I wasn’t –’ She paused as her eyes found mine, her expression suddenly tense. ‘It probably sounds boring. I bet your favourite memory is of some epic holiday with your best friends –’
‘Sal sounds incredible,’ I cut in. ‘Spending your time with a true friend is better than travelling all over the world with fake ones.’
I didn’t want to dampen the mood by talking about The Exes and our drama. But I knew if I ever wanted to talk about any of it, she’d listen with patience and no judgement. With her there was no risk of my words reaching millions of people; they would stay only between us. And I cherished this trust I felt between us.
‘Your favourite memory is beautiful,’ I said. ‘Thanks for sharing it with me.’
She smiled softly, and my eyes darted to her full, glossy lips again. She was the most conservative girl I’d ever gone out with, and I knew to respect her boundaries, but I had to admit it was getting hard. I was so attracted to her and felt the constant urge to touch her, kiss her. Even if I couldn’t do that just yet, maybe I could get closer in other ways.
I moved to stand in front of her. I reached for her hands, and she let me place one on my shoulder, and interlace my fingers with those of the other. As I led her into a slow dance, her mouth fell open and she looked around self-consciously.
‘Karim?’ she gasped, her eyes wide. ‘What are we doing?’
‘Making your new favourite memory.’
In one quick movement, I gripped her waist and lifted her, twirling her on the spot. She giggled and held on to my shoulders, her hair flying forward.
‘Do you think this has potential?’ I asked with a grin.
Instead of responding, Zara closed her eyes. She stretched her arms out carelessly. I continued to twirl her, my face full of the sunrays coiling through the leaves above us, my blood thrumming with the knowledge that I would never forget this moment.
This was for me, for her.
There were no cameras, no crowds, nothing to show or prove.
When I slowly set her down and she opened her eyes, I noticed they were bright with unshed tears.
‘What’s wrong?’ I brought my forehead lower, connecting it with hers.
‘Nothing,’ she whispered. ‘For the first time in my life, everything feels just right.’