Chapter 20
BAILEY
I wake up, body stiff and mind hazy. The memory of me screaming as Teddy held me on the floor comes back, and my cheeks heat instantly. I didn’t want to break in front of him, that’s exactly why I wanted him to leave.
Rubbing my eyes, I force myself off the sofa, head spinning as I make my way to the kitchen, each step sending a shockwave of pain through my head.
I take two ibuprofen and swallow them down with some water, trying to chase the headache away before it turns into a migraine.
My hands are shaking as I put the cup down.
More fractured moments from last night push their way forward—Teddy’s face as he told me I’d tried to kill him.
Me yelling at him, threatening him with a knife.
Being held down. Wanting to be punished.
My eyes dart to the kitchen counter where the knife block should be but it’s not there. I frown, searching the kitchen. It’s gone—so is the knife I’d picked up yesterday.
Teddy …
There’s a weight sitting in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never hurt myself before; not when Shane was always there to do it for me. I shake my head, making myself a cup of tea on autopilot, trying not to think about how letting him do it was just as bad as doing it myself.
I don’t know how to fix it this time. I know nothing I can do will be enough for him to forgive me—let alone forgive myself.
I stir my tea and go to throw the spoon into the sink, pause for a moment, then put it back in hot liquid.
When I pull it out again, I press it against the inside of my forearm.
The burn is sharp and fast, but the spoon cools down too quickly to do much else. It’s not nearly enough.
“What are you doing?”
I jump and throw the spoon in the sink. “N-nothing.” I keep my back turned, afraid to look at him. Why is he still here?
“We need to talk,” he says, voice firm but gentle. I shake my head. I don’t want to. I can’t. He touches my shoulder, and I flinch so hard I drop my cup. Hot tea splashes up my legs, rooting me to the spot.
“Jesus,” Teddy mutters, yanking me back from the spill. As he uses a tea towel to dry my feet, the world tilts off its axis, and I sway, grabbing hold of his shoulder to keep myself upright. I look down at him for a moment, then push away, running for the door.
I’ve been here before, running from Teddy as if my life depended on it. Except that’s not it at all. I run from him because his life depends on it. Every second I spend with him puts him in more danger. I’ll never be able to escape the monster that dwells inside me.
I reach the bus stop at the end of the road and stop to catch my breath, leaning against the shelter.
“You okay, mate?” A middle-aged man steps into my line of sight, cigarette in hand.
He takes a drag while looking down at my bare feet, raising an eyebrow.
My chest rises and falls quickly as I stare at the red cherry glowing.
He blows the smoke out the side of his mouth away from me, but the smell hits me instantly. My stomach churns, vision darkening.
“What do you think will happen if you leave me? If there’s no one to keep you under control? What happens when animals aren’t enough and you want to hurt someone?” He leans closer, whispering. “What if you hurt Theo?”
“No!” I yell. “I didn’t … I wouldn’t.” I stumble over my words, throat closing up for the first time in years.
“Get away from him.” Teddy is suddenly next to me, putting himself between me and the stranger.
“Hey, man, I was just asking if he was alright.”
“He’s fine.”
“He doesn’t look fine. He looks out of it.”
My ears ring, and I slide my back down the bus shelter until I’m sitting on the cold, hard ground. My hands go to the asphalt, and I focus on the loose pieces, rolling my fingers over them, trying not to breathe through my nose with the man smoking still too close.
“I’m taking him home. Everything’s good.” Teddy squats next to me and places a hand on my knee. I stare at him, struggling to focus. “Come on, Bay, get up. Let’s go home,” he whispers. I shake my head. “Yes, you can do it.” He stands and holds a hand out.
I stare at it for a long time, focusing on the dark hair that dusts the back, the veins that run up towards his wrist. Maybe my punishment was never meant to be physical.
I take his hand, letting him pull me to my feet.
Maybe my punishment will be having him shout at me as he tells me I’m sick and wrong.
Words will cut me so much deeper than any knife could, anyway.
Slowly, I put one foot in front of the other, following Teddy back to my house, his hand never leaving mine.
When we’re back inside, I’m made to sit on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around me.
I don’t argue. I’m shaking so hard my teeth start to knock together.
He leaves me, and I hear the noise of the kettle boiling, a teaspoon clinking against china.
A cup is pushed into my hand and Teddy sits next to me.
“You okay?” he asks.
Of course I’m not. I just found out that I did the one thing I swore I’d never do, and now my body is on alert, waiting for a punishment. Waiting for Shane to show up and knock on my door after I hid from him for twelve years. I don’t even bother trying to answer Teddy—my voice is locked up tight.
“Look. What happened—it wasn’t your fault.”
I frown at him. I may not have realised what I was doing that night, but choosing to stay with him for so long, knowing hurting him was a possibility—that was my fault. Shane warned me, but I didn’t listen to him, ignoring my own fears, wanting something I knew I couldn’t keep.
“I was wrong,” Teddy says quietly, looking away from me. “At the time I thought it was you, Bay. When I woke up, whatever drug that was used on me was still in my system. Everything was hazy, and I was terrified. I didn’t realise …” He takes a deep breath. “It was Shane.”
I shake my head.
“Yes. I fucked up, Bay.” He swipes away a tear on his cheek.
I count to ten in my head, slowly and steadily, trying to control my breathing, focusing on letting my voice out. “N-no.” It couldn’t have been Shane. Everything Teddy told me is exactly something I would have done. The animals. The fire.
Me.
Always me.
I stand up quickly, dropping the blanket. “That’s—that’s not true. Y-you shouldn’t be here alone with me. You need to go.”
Teddy gets up, following me. “You’re not listening to me.” He raises his voice slightly. “It was Shane.”
I back away, and he grabs my arm.
“There’s things you don’t know, Teddy,” I say desperately, trying to pull free from his grip. I don’t want to tell him. Don’t want to admit everything I’ve done.
“So tell me!”
“Because it’s so fucking easy!” I snap. “J-just open my mouth and tell you everything?”
“We had two years together, Bay, and you never told me a thing, except that your mum was an alcoholic. This is more than that, and you hid it from me.”
My face crumples. “Because I couldn’t!” I choke out. “I had to hide it. I was s-scared.”
“I know … fuck, I’m sorry, okay. Just—just tell me what I’m missing here, please.”
I look into his eyes, two pools of warm whisky staring right back at me, imploring. “It’s not the first time,” I say, looking sharply away from him.
“What’s not the first time?”
“The blackouts. I had them on and off throughout my childhood.” Teddy’s grip loosens, and I finally break free, putting distance between us.
“The first was when I was t-ten. There was a house fire, and the only thing I remember is Shane telling me that I—that I started it on purpose. M-my dad never got out.” I turn away from him and look up at the ceiling, my eyes burning as tears escape.
Teddy’s gone deathly still behind me. If this is what it takes to make him leave for good, then I’ll tell him everything.
And if he calls the police on me, then maybe that will be punishment enough.
At least there’ll be no more secrets between us.
“After that, I would start waking up to find dead mice in my room. In my bed, in the wardrobe, everywhere.” I dare to turn around and look at him, expecting to see disgust, but all I see is confusion.
“That never happened when you lived with me.”
“Yes, it did! When I went home after mum was in hospital, she’d found animals in the treehouse! I don’t know when I would have … I was with you the whole time, but they were fresh, and I-I—”
Teddy’s eyes narrow for a moment, then his face twists into rage. “Bailey,” he growls. “Why the hell did you stay there for a whole month after that?” He takes a step towards me.
“I couldn’t trust myself around you. Shane said I’d hurt you,” I whimper.
“I tried to stay away, Teddy, I promise. I was scared I’d hurt you, but I couldn’t stay there in that house with them.
I just wanted to come home to you,” I cry out.
“I ended up hurting you, just like he said I would. My stupid fucking brain made me forget about it.” I gasp for air, pulling my hair until my scalp stings.
I step towards him and shove his chest, making him stumble back.
“Just leave, Teddy!” I yell. “I want you to go. Get out!” I push him again, but he catches my wrists, shoving me against the wall with his thigh wedged between mine, holding me in place.
“Get off me!”
“Not until you listen,” he snaps, leaning so close that our foreheads are almost touching. “Has any of this shit happened since you moved to Cumbria?”
My body stills. It doesn’t prove anything. I could have done something at any point in the past twelve years and have no clue. And yet ... “N-no.”
“Has Noah or Jake ever said you’ve blacked out? Sleepwalked? Have they ever found any animals? Have you?”
“No.” I realise he’s right. His hands around my wrist feel like shackles. I try to move out of his grip, but I can’t. “Teddy, please—”
“So why would you think you did anything wrong?” he asks softly.
“I-I don’t know, I don’t …” None of it is making any sense.
I can’t think straight.
Can’t breathe.
“Teddy, let go, please,” I gasp.
He ignores me, pushing his forehead against mine. I’m reminded of the night in the pub when I did the same thing to him. Ignored the fact he was struggling. Pushed and pushed until we both broke.
“It was Shane.” He doesn’t completely let go of my wrists, but he lowers them so they’re between us. Rubbing circles where his fingers had dug in. I stare into his eyes, unable to look away.
“You can’t know that,” I whisper.
“I can. I’ve never let myself think about that night fully because it makes me feel sick. Anytime the memories try pushing their way forward, I shove them back down, only for them to return in fragments in my sleep.” He pauses, then asks, “Shane has different coloured eyes to you, doesn’t he?”
I nod slightly. It’s the only way Mum could tell us apart sometimes. I have a ring of gold around my pupils, like my dad. Shane has pure light blue, like Mum.
Teddy lets go of my wrists and cups my face, wiping away tears with his thumbs. “Shane held the knife in his left hand. You’re right handed.”
My breathing picks up.
“When I last saw you, you had bruises on your neck.” His fingers run along my jaw and brush against my neck. “Did Shane do that to you?”
My bottom lip wobbles, and my throat burns as I force words out. “Yes.”
“He wore a crew neck. No bruises.”
I swallow.
“What’s my name?” he whispers.
“What?” I breathe.
“Tell me what my name is.”
“T-Teddy …”
“He called me Theo,” Teddy chokes out, “I’m so fucking sorry, Bay. I should have realised.”
I wonder if this is how it feels to have a heart attack. My chest feels like it’s been struck by lightning.
“What haven’t you told me? Why can’t you remember that night?” Teddy asks.
I take a shuddering breath and sink to the floor.