16. Savannah
SIXTEEN
SAVANNAH
I’m nervous again.
But this time it’s not for the competition. I’m nervous to see my coach after what I said and did last night.
Did I really take his clothes off and tell him to think about me while he jerked off?
Yes, yes, I did. It was completely out of character for me, but the way he looked at me…
I know he was drunk, but it didn’t mask the longing in his eyes and the sadness in his voice.
It made me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time.
It was exhilarating, and I took advantage of it when I shouldn’t have.
I don’t have time to think about that today, though. We have our rhythm dance competition soon, and I have to get ready. I know Logan said this competition isn’t make or break for us, but this is still a national qualifying event, and I want to come out strong.
The skaters are allowed an early morning practice warm-up on the ice if we want it, so I throw some leggings and a sweatshirt on and meet Max in the hotel lobby.
“Morning, Sav.” He pulls me in for a kiss.
I stiffen when his lips touch mine. It doesn’t feel right kissing him after what happened last night.
Honestly, it didn’t even feel right sleeping with him last night because what I said to Logan was true.
I really did think of him the entire time I was with Max, which made me feel really shitty.
Max doesn’t seem to notice a change in my behavior, though, because he’s all smiles this morning. Which is good. I don’t want to mess up his mood before a competition. We’ll talk… later.
“Hey,” I say groggily. It’s early and I’m tired. I’ve never been much of a morning person, even after years of early morning wake-ups.
“You pumped and ready?” he says with a big smile. Gah, how is he so happy and awake this early?
“I’m here and ready to practice,” I say with an eye roll. “Let’s get this done.”
Logan gave Max the keys to the rental car yesterday so we could drive ourselves to the rink. He did offer to come with us, but we don’t need supervision for a quick, optional warm-up anyway.
We drive to the rink in almost silence. He drums his fingers on the steering wheel which annoys me, but at least I don’t have to talk to him yet.
He holds my hand as we walk into the rink.
Max has always been very touchy-feely. It doesn’t bother me as much now as it did when we first started skating.
He probably doesn’t even realize he’s holding my hand.
It’s such a natural thing for him to do.
I, on the other hand, notice. And I also notice that I don’t enjoy holding his hand as much as I did holding Logan’s hand.
I wonder why there’s such a difference in how a simple hand hold can feel.
We do our stretches and warm up our legs before skating onto the ice.
We do our normal warmup and jump right into parts of our routine, but we don’t do the entire routine.
That’s what yesterday was for. We work on a few parts, making sure we know where we need to be on the ice at specific times.
By the time we leave the ice, I feel ready.
We grab a protein shake on the way back to the hotel and then start getting ready. Max is obviously ready first, so once he’s dressed, he comes to my room to hang out while I do my hair and makeup.
Logan texts us when to meet him in the lobby, so Max and I walk down together.
When I see Logan standing there in black dress pants and a white collared shirt, I almost lose my breath for a second.
Every time I see him, it’s like I’ve forgotten how good he looks.
Now I know what’s under those clothes, too… Well, mostly.
He turns and smiles at us when he sees us.
His eyes move from Max to me, and for once, I let myself meet his gaze.
Does he remember what happened last night, or was he too drunk?
If he does remember, why didn’t he at least text me this morning?
Probably because he feels as awkward as I do. God, I’m so stupid.
“Morning, team. You ready?” he asks.
“Yes, sir,” Max says.
“Yep,” I say, looking from him to an invisible spec on my jacket.
I can’t look at him without blushing. I practically saw him naked last night, and there was no missing the bulge of his erection as I undressed him.
When I slid his pants down his legs, I shamelessly lowered myself in front of him so I could see if it was as big as it felt.
It was.
“Let’s do it then.”
My mind is not in the right place for that statement not to sound dirty coming from him.
Max asks Logan about his night while we drive to the rink, and he conveniently leaves out the part where we ended up in the hallway together. For which I’m grateful. I’d rather talk to Max about that on my own, and not right before we compete.
As we walk back into the rink, we all fall into our roles: Logan as the confident coach, Max as the confident skater here to have a good time, and me? Well, I’m the one who’s too nervous for her own good and overthinks everything.
We head toward the back area to wait for our turn.
I notice a few people wave at Max. Logan even gets stopped for a few questions, but no one waves at me.
I’m used to it, but it still hurts sometimes.
My face doesn’t give off friendly vibes.
I have to mentally remind myself to not look pissed when I’m skating.
“I’ll be back. Going to go find the bathroom,” Max tells us, and Logan and I find seats. We can barely see the ice from where we are, but that works for me. I don’t want to watch the other performances.
We’re quiet for a moment, but I feel like I have to say something. I can’t let it stew around in my head too long, or it will consume everything. “So, how’re you feeling this morning?”
Logan looks at me, and heat instantly courses through my body. How does a simple look from him completely turn me on? “I’m good. Thanks for, you know…”
“Yeah. I’m sorry if I crossed a line or anything,” I say quickly.
He smirks. “If anyone crossed a line, it was me, Savannah. I shouldn’t have even let you in my room. But…” He looks around to make sure no one is near us. “I really don’t want to apologize for it. I loved every second of it.”
“You did?”
He nods. “I may have had too much to drink, but I meant everything I said.”
“Logan…”
“Look, I’m not asking you for anything. I know you have a lot on your plate. And I certainly don’t want to be a distraction for you, but I’m not going to pretend I’m not attracted to you, Savannah. It’s impossible.”
I swallow, taking in his confession. “I’ve done nothing but be mean to you since you walked into our rink.”
He chuckles. It’s a low rumble that makes me feel all warm inside. “It’s nothing I can’t handle, baby. You can be mean to me all you want. It kinda turns me on, actually.”
Again, he’s calling me baby. Why did that give me butterflies? “Logan?—”
“And I deserve all the hate you’ve thrown my way. I own what I did to you, even if I didn’t do it intentionally. It was shitty, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make it up to you, regardless of whether you’d let me.”
He’s wrong. He doesn’t deserve it. Not anymore.
Despite what I originally thought, Logan is a good man with a big heart.
His heart was broken the day he accidentally skated into me and for good reason.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget what happened that day, but I do think I’m starting to forgive him.
I’m about to tell him that when Max sits down next to me. His hand falls to my thigh, and I watch Logan’s eyes zero in on it. His jaw ticks once before he looks away.
“What are we talking about?” Max asks.
“Just discussing the performance,” Logan lies. I’m grateful he’s willing to keep this between us for now.
“Really? Looked a bit heated. Everything ok?” Max looks from Logan to me.
“Yes. He was just giving me advice on one of the lifts, but I disagreed with him,” I say.
Thankfully, Max laughs and believes my story. “Yeah, that sounds about right for you, Sav.”
He leans down and kisses the side of my head. A normal thing for him to do, but it makes me uncomfortable all of a sudden. Why do I feel like I’m cheating?
Max knows we aren’t exclusive, and Logan and I are… nothing. Nothing has happened. He’s admitted to being attracted to me, and I’m obviously attracted to him, but that doesn’t mean I owe him anything.
I force myself to push these thoughts aside while we wait for our group to be called. We sit for what feels like forever waiting for our turn on the ice. When it’s finally time, Logan stands and turns toward us.
“Tati told me that you two aren’t big on pep talks, but I can throw one together if you need it.”
Max laughs. “I’m good, man.”
He looks at me next. “I’m good, too.” Pep talks always make me feel too much pressure.
“Alright then. Get out there and make shit happen.”
He smiles, and our eyes lock. Max heads to the ice, but I have an overwhelming urge to be close to Logan. As if he can sense that, he steps toward me, wrapping an arm around my waist.
He leans down and whispers, “You’ve got this, baby.”
I nod, and he subtly kisses my forehead. It’s a simple thing, but it immediately calms my nerves. I step out of his hold and walk to Max. We wait for our names to be called and step onto the ice.