Chapter 34
After driving around aimlessly for an hour, I find myself parked and staring at Randy’s garage.
I open my car door. The bay doors are down, but I can hear noises and music coming from inside.
It’s late enough that the business should be closed, but I see Randy sitting inside at the counter typing at the computer.
I knock on the glass door. He looks up, a smile splitting his face when he sees it’s me.
Randy walks over and unlocks the door for me enter. The smell of oil and rubber hits my nose. “Well, hey there, Lizzie. What brings you by tonight?” His smile falters when he notices my red, puffy eyes.
“Is Ryder around?”
“Yeah, sweetheart. He’s in the garage. Hold on a sec. Let me get him for you.”
A minute later, the music turns off and Ryder walks in with his dad, rag in his hands as he wipes the grease off of them. Randy says something to Ryder, then goes into his office and quietly closes the door.
“Good to see you’re alive. Julien and Elijah have been blowing up my phone for the past hour.”
I nod, but don’t reply. Ryder throws the rag on the counter, his golden eyes giving me a thorough examination. “Come on. Let’s go in the back so we can talk in private.”
I follow him into the garage bay area. He pulls up a stool and offers it to me.
I shake my head to decline, needing to stretch my legs after being in the car for an hour.
Ryder retrieves a bottled water from the mini fridge at the back, twists the top off, and brings it to me.
I take it gratefully because my throat is sore and parched from crying.
“Want to tell me what’s going on? I’m assuming that’s why you’re here.”
Holding the bottle with my left hand since my right hand is still too sore from punching Marshall, I tip the water back and look at him.
I mean, really look at him. He looks good.
Strong and handsome and kind. I never allowed myself to really see him before.
Not just the superficial things I’m attracted to, like his golden eyes I know have flecks of green in them that are the same green as my eyes.
Or the way his arm muscles bulge when he crosses them over his chest like he’s doing now.
Or the cupid’s bow on his full top lip. His tanned skin or his devastating smile I am lucky to be the recipient of often.
No. Those are only superficial qualities.
What I see now, perhaps truly for the first time, is how he always stands by me and supports me no matter what.
How he has gifted me with his love and with his heart and not once expected anything in return.
How much it must hurt him to see me and Jayson together, but he never stopped being my friend.
I see all the years we’ve shared, all the times we keep finding our way back together.
How even though I love Jayson so very much, my heart has always loved Ryder, too.
“I’m tired, Ryder. I’m so tired.”
I sit on the stool now, as my mental fatigue morphs into physical exhaustion. Ryder drags another stool over to sit in front of me. He takes the water from me, putting it down on the floor, and cradles my bandaged hand between the two of his.
“I never really thanked you for defending me last night. So, thank you, Elizabeth.”
“Marshall deserved more. How is your car?” I tilt my head over to the Challenger that’s currently perched up on a lift.
“Minor stuff I can handle easily. Almost done actually. I’ve been working on it all day.”
“That’s good. I’m glad.”
Ryder lifts my bandaged hand and peels back the gauze to inspect my swollen knuckles. His thumb lightly rubs over each one before he pulls the gauze back down.
“You should call Julien. He sounded worried. Where’s Jayson?”
Where to start? “Jayson is with Julien and Elijah at the house.”
“Why aren’t you with them?”
“Jayson kicked me out.”
Ryder’s head jerks back, not understanding. “Why would Jay kick you out of their house?”
“He’s angry at me. He thinks I’ve been lying to him.”
Ryder bites on his lower lip, considering my words. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Julien and Elijah, would it?”
I peer into his face, and it hits me. “You know?”
“Pretty much.”
“Did Julien tell you?”
“No. I kind of clued in a while ago. I figured when Jules was ready, he would tell me himself. But, yeah, I figured it out a long time ago. Wasn’t that hard. You can tell how much he and Elijah care about one another. How happy Julien is whenever Elijah is around. It’s obvious.”
Doesn’t that beat all? I think to myself, chuckling out loud. All this time, Ryder had it figured out while Jayson said he had no idea. I’ll have to add perceptive to Ryder’s list of qualities.
“Julien’s going to tell his parents tonight. Jayson’s there with him.”
“You should be there too, Elizabeth.”
“I want to be, but Jayson is so angry with me. He said some hurtful things he won’t be able to take back. Things I won’t be able to easily forgive him for this time. How many times am I going to allow him to hurt me before I say enough is enough?”
Ryder pulls my stool closer to his, the sound dulled by the epoxied flooring. He lifts my chin, so we are eye to eye.
“Loving someone isn’t easy, Elizabeth. I should know.
There are so many good days that even the few bad ones can’t lessen them.
Today is just one of the bad ones. You and Jayson have known each other for a long time.
That kind of friendship and love just doesn’t disappear and evaporate at the first sign of anger or because you’re fighting. ”
I push away from him, pissed off at everything, and pace around the garage.
“He’s being a hypocrite, Ryder. He keeps things from me all the time.
Stuff about Jacinda. Stuff about Marshall.
Stuff with Fallon. What kind of friend would I be if I broke my promise to Julien?
If even at one time over the past few years, he asked me point blank about Julien, I would have told him to talk to his brother. ”
I stop in front of Ryder, who’s watching me from his place on the stool.
“I know loving someone is hard.” I consider how Ryder has loved me for years. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” I shout at him, my emotions all over the place. Anger at Jayson. Loving Jayson. Anger at Ryder. Loving Ryder.
“What?”
“Why didn’t you fight for me, Ryder? When Jayson snuck into my bedroom that night and you came over the following afternoon.
If memory serves me, you told me you wanted to talk to me that day.
But Jayson got to me first, and then you guys fought on my front lawn.
So why didn’t you fight harder for me? Why did you give up so easily? ”
Ryder’s mouth opens and closes several times. The look of confusion on his face would be funny, but I’m too upset to find the humor in it.
We face each other in a standoff. He’s not willing to answer my question, and I’m not willing to let it go.
You know what? Screw it. Screw it all. I feel like my life is always being decided for me.
Who I’m allowed to love. Where I’m going to college.
Who I’m going to marry. How I’m to live my life.
The mess with Maria. The mess with Jacinda.
I’ve always been meek and pliable, doing what I’m told, letting others decide for me and never speaking up for myself.
The stereotypical good girl. Last night when I punched Marshall—that felt good.
I felt strong and capable and free. I made that choice to hit him. My choice. Now, I’m choosing this.
I don’t give myself a chance to change my mind. I bend down to touch my lips to Ryder’s.
My choice.
There’s a second of hesitation from him before his arms band around me and his mouth opens to mine. A decade’s worth of unrequited love pour into our kiss.
My choice.
As soon as Elizabeth’s lips touch mine, I’m done for.
To repeat what she said to me earlier tonight, I’m tired.
I’m tired of fighting this. Tired of always being the one to walk away.
Tired of watching Jay take what should have been mine.
Because she’s always been mine, even when she wasn’t.
If this is my one opportunity to kiss her the way I have fantasized about, then I’m taking it.
I pull back and look at her face. Her green eyes flutter open, and we stare at each other.
"Kiss me again," she whispers.
I stand up from the stool. Her arms wrap around my neck, and she clings to me like she'll never let me go. I feel the necklace that holds the promise ring Jayson gave to her at prom digging into my chest, and my conscience finally wins out.
“Elizabeth, we can’t.” God, that’s so painful to say. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
“What?” she asks, utterly confused.
“We need to stop.”
“Why?” she asks, her one word filled with the pain of rejection.
I gently touch her neck, lifting the chain from under her shirt so it's dangling between us. The ring on the necklace mocks me, reminding me that Elizabeth is not mine to take.
“This is why,” I tell her.
She looks down at it. Stepping away, she tucks the necklace back under her shirt.
“Ryder, my heart has been as much yours as Jayson’s since the day we met.
And I’m done letting everyone make decisions for me.
I won’t do it anymore. Jayson keeps making plans for our future, and I get no say in it.
How do I know what I want if I’m never given a choice?
If I’m never given a chance to decide for myself?
Maria was right. She said I was selfish.
That I wanted everything but was willing to give up nothing.
But I will. I’ll give it all up. For you.
I want to be with you, Ryder. I want to explore what this is between us.
I don’t want to live in anymore ‘what ifs.’ Watching Marshall try and run you off the track…
something snapped inside me. The thought of losing you and not having you in my life. ” She chokes up, not able to continue.
My heart pounds in my chest. The words my dad said to me come back. He told me that Elizabeth needed to be given time to figure out what she wanted. She needed to be allowed a chance to choose her future.
“What about Jayson?”
“I love Jayson. He’s my best friend. But I love you, too. Things can’t continue the way they are now. I’m making a choice, Ryder, and I choose you.”
She chooses me. All my dreams just came true.
“Jayson isn’t going to sit back and allow you to be with me and not him. You know that. And I’m not sneaking behind his or Julien’s backs.”
“I know, and I’m not asking you to. The only thing I need to know is, do you want to be with me?”
“God, yes," I answer her without hesitation. Because I can’t resist any longer, I pull her face up to mine and kiss her. “I love you, Elizabeth.”
She smiles, then her smile falls. “I’ll talk to Jayson tomorrow after school. He’s going to hate me when I break up with him. I’m going to lose my best friend.”
“I won’t let that happen,” I promise her.
We hold each other like that for a while, suspended in our own reality that not even time can penetrate.
Dad comes in an hour later telling us he's closing shop.
I help Elizabeth into her car, and because my dad is watching, I don't kiss her goodnight.
She asks me if I would like to pick her up for school tomorrow morning. Of course, I say yes.