Chapter 27
I come awake, sweaty and feeling a little claustrophobic, like hands are holding me down and I can’t move.
And then, I open my eyes. And stop breathing.
Because Fallon is looking right at me. Those crystalline blue eyes of his are watching me.
But it isn’t Fallon’s arm lying heavily on my hip, nor his body pressed against my back.
No, that toned, muscled arm is Jayson’s.
I know it without even looking. I remember how he felt next to me in bed.
All the nights he would sneak into my room through my window.
The night we spent together when my memory came back.
And then, everything hits me all at once when my brain decides to start working.
Fallon kissed me last night. I’m in bed with both Fallon and Jayson. Oh. My. Freaking. God.
“Stop panicking, kitten,” Fallon whispers, his voice deep and husky from sleep.
Fallon’s face is so close to mine that I can see the short, dark blond stubble on his jaw and the smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose.
I used to count Jayson and Julien’s freckles.
It was one of the ways I was able to tell them apart when we first met the day they moved in next door.
I remember poking my head out of my forest fort and seeing two bright-eyed, gap-toothed, mischievous twin boys hanging from a branch of the tree.
My six-year-old self fell in love with them that day. The day they became my little princes.
“I’m not panicking,” I whisper back, lying through my teeth, because I am most definitely panicking.
I must have moved because Jayson tightens his hold on me and kisses the back of my neck, and my panic skyrockets. I can tell by his even breathing that he’s still asleep, so his simple affection was not on purpose. Which makes it that much worse.
Becoming rigid as a statue, I meet Fallon’s unwavering gaze again. He lifts a hand and carefully brushes my hair away from my face. My heart slams against my chest when his hand wraps around the back of my neck and holds firm.
“Secret for a secret.”
My heart rate settles down. This is familiar.
“I used to slather a half stick of butter all over my steak before eating it.”
Fallon grimaces. ‘That’s really gross.”
Actually, that sounds really good right now. Maybe I’ll order a steak for breakfast. That’s a thing, right? Steak and eggs in the morning?
“My culinary creations are awesome,” I assure him jokingly.
I have a few odd food combinations. Jayson gets grossed out whenever I dip my fries in spicy mustard.
Licking my dry lips, I hesitate before I next speak. “Fallon, what’s going on?” He knows what I mean without me having to come right out and say it.
“I think you know,” he replies. And that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
Jayson stirs and shifts again behind me. I turn my head slightly so I can see him.
“Good morning,” he yawns out, then groans when he spots Fallon on my other side. “Seeing your face first thing in the morning is not how I wanted to start the New Year,” he grumbles.
“But I’ve been told I have such a pretty face,” Fallon replies, chuckling softly.
Fallon lets go of my neck and reaches between us to take one of my hands, pulling it up and settling it on the pillow before twining our fingers together. Jayson smooths a palm over my abdomen and splays it wide over my barely noticeable baby bump.
I think this is the most bizarre experience of my life. My eyes scan the dark room. Julien was last with me when I fell asleep.
“Where’s Julien?” I ask Jayson, trying to get my bearings and direct things back to a semblance of normalcy. Okay, not exactly possible with two men in bed on either side of me.
Jayson lets out another huge yawn. “Idiot woke me up at five by rolling on top of me to get out of bed so he could go run. I think he went down to the fitness center.”
I smile because Julien is such a creature of habit.
There isn’t a day that goes by that he’s not up before five to do his five-mile run.
I peer over at the bedside digital clock and see that it’s six thirty.
The room is still inky as night because of the black-out curtains, the only light coming in is a sliver through the crack of the adjoining bathroom door.
I must have forgotten to turn off the light in there before I crawled into bed and promptly passed out next to Julien, who had already been snoring by the time I walked out of the bathroom.
Going with ignoring the huge elephant in the room because I’m not ready to overanalyze things right now, I gently extricate myself from their dual holds and sit up. I’m thankful that I’m covered neck to ankle in my fleece reindeer pajama set.
“Happy New Year!”
I literally jump when Julien comes flying into the room and does an impressive belly flop onto the bed right on top of Jayson, who expels a very loud umph at the impact.
Jayson shoves him off in my direction, but Fallon is quick to grab me and haul me over to his side of the bed before one-hundred and forty pounds of lean muscle crushes me.
“Sorry, Liz,” Julien says, then he wrestles me out of Fallon’s hold and goes on a zerbert attack all over my right arm. His hair is damp, and he smells like soap, so he must have taken a shower after coming back from his run.
The raspberries he’s blowing against my skin are loud and they tickle, sending me into a fit of wriggly giggles. “Julien!” I shriek when he goes for my neck. “Jayson, help! Fallon!”
But do they help a girl out? No. They join in, and Jayson knows exactly where I’m ticklish the most. My feet.
“I’m going to pee my pants if you don’t stop,” I plead.
Fallon is the first the give mercy. “I’ll call up some breakfast,” he says, kissing me on the top of my head and rolling out of bed. There’s enough light coming in now from the open bedroom door for me to see everyone clearly.
“Say uncle,” Jayson teases, holding my feet down.
“Flubberjizz!” I relent, breathless but with a big smile on my face.
“That’s more like it,” he comments.
“What?”
Julien turns over onto his stomach and props up on his elbows. “You haven’t smiled much. We miss it.”
I haven’t? There hasn’t been much to smile about recently. Yesterday when I was on the balcony with Jayson and Fallon was the first time since the races at the Fields that I allowed myself to feel anything other than misery and guilt.
I reach over Julien to grab my hair band off the nightstand and pull my unruly locks into a messy top bun.
“I know this is probably the absolute worst time to bring this up, but Ryder goes to the hospital in a few days for his ablative chemo. I’d like to be there even if it means skipping school for the day.”
The twins get very quiet. Julien looks to his brother. So do I.
“Jayson?”
“He doesn’t want us there.”
How many times is my heart going to break until there are no more pieces left to put it back together? And damn these tears that fall like summer rain drops. Julien sits up and uses the sleeve of his thermal shirt to wipe them away.
“You know he loves you, Liz. This is hard for him. He’s dealing with it the best way he knows how. I’m not saying what he’s doing is right. Because it’s not. But if pushing us away is how he’s able to focus on fighting the cancer, then I’ll gladly move aside until he’s ready to come back.”
Julien, the white hat of our group. Always wanting to see the good in every situation. Always holding out hope. Always seeing the bright light at the end of a dark tunnel.
“What do you think?” I ask Jayson, wanting to know his take on things.
“You don’t want to know what I think,” he curtly states.
I need to make a decision. I’m at a precipice, the proverbial fork in the road. I need to choose which path I’m going to take. Unfortunately, that path was chosen for me the day I found out I was pregnant, so there really is no decision for me to make at all, is there?
I roll my shoulders and hold my head up high.
Fallon taught me how to be strong. He taught me how to fight for what I want.
And the first thing I want is to eat breakfast because I’m starving.
Then I want to spend the day with my guys.
The rest, I’ll take one day at a time. Ryder may want to push us away, but we can push right back, even harder.