Chapter 30
Dear Elizabeth,
I don’t know why I keep writing you these letters, knowing I’m not going to give them to you.
Maybe it’s a way for me to feel close to you.
I’ve been looking through all of Mom’s old photo albums. Pictures of me as a baby.
Pictures of me and my sisters growing up.
Pictures of you, me, Jay, and Jules from when we were younger.
My favorite group photo of the four of us is the one where we’re standing next to the snow monster family that we built in fifth grade.
Do you remember that? We were out of school for over a week because the roads were too bad after getting a foot of snow dumped on our area.
In the photo, you’re on Jayson’s back, Julien has his arm wrapped around the both of you on the right, and I’m to the left, our pinkies linked together.
That used to be our thing—linking pinky fingers.
We haven’t done that in a while. I miss it.
I miss our friendship. Me, you, the guys. I hope—
“Hey. Your mom let me in,” Fallon says from the doorway, and I shove the pen and the letter under my pillow.
He walks over and sits down in the desk chair across from the bed.
“What are you wearing?”
Fallon looks down at himself and smirks. “It’s called a business suit. Was in a meeting all day.” Turning somber, he asks, “How are you feeling?”
Scared. Tired. Lonely.
“I’m good.”
He sees the suitcases propped against the wall near the closet. “Packed and ready?”
“Getting there. It’s going to be weird living at the hospital and having people wearing what are essentially hazmat suits around me every day.”
I can see the sympathy in his eyes that he tries hard to shutter. Fallon is a tough guy on the outside, but his heart is a good heart, filled with compassion and kindness toward those he lets in and considers friends.
“You’ll see my ugly face around. I plan to drop by as often as I can. If you need anything, even if it’s a magazine or book to read to stave off boredom, text or call me. I’ll make it happen.”
I sit up and rest my elbows on my knees. “Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Hey, Fal…how is she?”
That sympathy I just saw, changes quickly to ire.
“Not going there with you. You want to know, talk to her yourself instead of hiding in your room. You leave in two days, Ry. Man up and go see your girl. Apologize. Get down on your knees and grovel. Kiss her like the world is ending and tell her how much you love her. But whatever you do, do not just leave without seeing her face to face. I can promise, you’ll regret it if you do. ”
His words hit me hard, but my fear overrides my guilt. “I can’t.”
If I see her, it’ll break me, and she doesn’t need someone like that.
She needs someone who can be there for her and the baby, take care of her and love her like she deserves.
Not me. Not right now. Not until I know that I’ve beaten this cancer and can come back to her a complete man, and not some scared, broken shell of a boy.
Not someone who may not be around if the cancer wins.
Our stare-down is interrupted when both our phones go off with notification chirps. Jayson sent a group text to me and Fallon.
Jayson: Liz will kill me when she finds out I told you both.
There was an incident this morning when we came into school.
She was pranked. Someone loaded her locker with baby diapers.
When we got back from lunch, someone had red Sharpied slut on the outside of her locker.
She had to take Hailey to an appt after school and they just got home.
Jules and I are done with practice, so are heading over now.
Fallon’s brows drop down as he reads, then his eyes fly up as they throw daggers at me. My heart is punching a hole through my chest as I re-read Jay’s text. I can’t believe someone would do that to Elizabeth. Fallon types a rapid response and gets up.
“I’ve got to go.” He bends down and envelops me in a hug. “You’re going to get through this. I love you, man. Go see her.” He slaps me on the back twice and walks out without another word.
My brain goes on autopilot. I don’t notice that I slip on my sneakers or put on my coat.
I don’t realize that I grab my keys and get into my car.
I never notice the scenery pass by as I drive to Elizabeth’s house.
And she never sees me because as soon as I reach her street, I see Fallon get out of his car and meet Elizabeth on the porch steps.
I see him take her in his arms and hold her.
I watch as Fallon comforts her and gives her what I’m too afraid to.
Executing a quick three-point turn, I maneuver the car back around, my fears and my demons chasing me the entire way back home.