Chapter 18
I’m not avoiding Anissa at school, but our paths naturally don’t cross very much.
There’s no strict assigned seating in classes, and this far into term everyone’s picked their spot for the year, so in the classes we share—art and history—we both gravitate to our usual seats; but I smile her way and she says hi when we see each other around.
It’s a small shift, and while it feels nice, I’m also horribly, selfishly aware that the others might think it’s weird I’m suddenly friendly with an outcast like Anissa, and I know they’ll definitely judge me for building a bond with her over Of Wrath and Rune, of all things.
My emotions about OWAR have become a tangled mess without me even realizing it. I thought I was just in this for Jake—it was a means to an end, a necessary evil, hours inevitably wasted learning the ins and outs of this series all in the name of romance.
But now I’ve genuinely started to enjoy it, beyond thinking of Jake or even proving to horrible Max that I am committed to this fandom.
I look forward to getting home and finishing up homework so I can watch another episode, staying up late for some more if one ends on a cliffhanger, even rewinding scenes to watch again and trawling through the fanfiction for more heartwarming, squeal-worthy Silversmith content…
It’s fun. I like it.
And I even feel like I know some of the others in the Discord more now.
@wizeguy is twenty-six and Greek; he’s gotten his grandma into the books and helps her learn English with them.
@fauningforhim is a stay-at-home mom of three who likes to tell us about ridiculous things her young kids have said, and claims that fanfic and this community were a lifeline when she first moved to South Wales for her husband’s work.
There’s @sirmoonypants, aka Sam, who has a wicked-sharp sense of humor and has just started studying for a PhD in economics.
And, of course, @silversmithhh, the first-year law student and fellow romance aficionado whose name I’ve learned is Heather.
I realize it’s all online and I don’t actually know any of them, but…in the Discord, it feels like they’re my friends just as much as Daphne and Nikita and everyone are at school.
Anissa and I chat in the Discord, too, sometimes about day-to-day stuff or school, and sometimes about the show. I notice she’s quite active in the main chat and gets into heated debates in one of the theory threads, posting even while we’re in class.
People leave casual messages in the main chat about things going on at work or school, or send photos of a book haul they just bought, or post memes and links to TikTok videos they want to share.
It’s not all obsessing over characters and theorizing—although I have started to delve into those channels a little, too, interested in ways the show has deviated from the books and what storylines I might be missing out on.
It’s a different kind of friendship—low stakes and no pressure, nobody minding how little I know about the fandom or if I have silly questions about the lore of the show I don’t quite understand.
I don’t feel like I have to work so hard to cultivate it, or to keep my place there.
They’re always there, whenever I want to be part of it.
It’s nice.
It even goes a little way to filling the gap left by Jake’s unexplained absence, although it can’t distract me completely from it.
My best friend hasn’t exactly dropped off the face of the earth—every few days, he sends me a funny post he’s seen on Instagram, and he does reply to some of my texts, but I still get the sense he’s holding me at arm’s length, avoiding me somehow.
The Discord private chat has been dead since his last too-brief reply in it.
I don’t know whether I’m more upset or worried; if something was really wrong, wouldn’t he tell me? His sister Ginny’s Instagram posts are all very normal—her out with friends, sharing memes, cute outfit pics—so I don’t think anything’s up with his family…Whatever it is, it must be personal.
Would it be too pushy to just message Jake and ask him what’s going on, if something’s wrong?
But I don’t want him to just brush me off…
Should I try phoning him? That seems better than showing up uninvited on his doorstep, but what if he doesn’t answer?
Could that missed call become the nail in the coffin for us?
I hate that navigating my crush is making our friendship suffer, but it’s so hard to let go of it.
He’ll tell me when he’s ready.
He won’t just disappear on me. He wouldn’t.
Would he?
It doesn’t help that things at home have also been weird, and I’m dying to talk to Jake about it.
I don’t want to bring it up with the girls—their families seem so uncomplicated, and it’s kind of nice pretending mine is, too.
It’s nice having that escape where I can almost convince myself there’s nothing going on worth talking about.
But Dad’s been over more and more, including for more of these weird, too-civil “family dinners” where he and Mom seem to be getting on, and Mom’s out with friends a lot more, so Dad keeps staying over in the spare room, and his toothbrush has appeared back by the bathroom sink, so I can’t shake the horrible feeling that he’s moving back in and they’re trying again.
I know I should be happy about that, but it feels like it’ll only blow up in their faces—and mine—before long. It has every other time. And I’m so exhausted by it. I’m so tired of being caught in the middle.
Jake would understand. Or rather, he’d be a good sympathetic ear to vent to about it all, which is really all I need.
But as he’s not really talking to me, it feels selfish to dump all my shit on him when we’re like this, so I keep it to myself and distract myself with more OWAR episodes and the Discord and my new fanart projects.
When another Wednesday comes and goes without our weekly watch party, I ache with how much I miss Jake. His easy laughter and quick smile, his warm hugs, all of him. I even miss Max—if only because seeing him meant spending time with Jake, too.
Maybe I need an icebreaker in the Discord to get us talking again.
Maybe if we can talk about OWAR, it’ll lead to deeper conversations about us?
That’s worked before, with both of us opening up in there, all those late-night honest conversations where we moved on from talking about the show and messaged for hours.
I miss those conversations; I think I miss them more than I do hanging out with him in real life.
I’m up to the season three finale, and I go ahead and watch it on my own, but I open up the private chat that’s been dormant for the past ten days.
Just wanted to let you know, I’m up to the s3 finale. Think I’ve finally got my head around the plot better too now. Will let you know my thoughts after…
I leave it with a “dot dot dot,” though I debate for a good long minute about that or a question mark; an exclamation mark feels too happy-go-lucky after the long gap between this and his last message.
At least not using a question mark means I don’t have to worry about a lack of response, and can double-message without it being so weird.
And I hate that I’m thinking so hard about these tiny things, when it’s always been so easy to talk to Jake—and I’ve never had to think twice about anything I’ve messaged him over Discord before, even less so than I do via text, where I try to be a little more flirty.
I hate that things have changed.
It’s not even about The Fangirl Project anymore, or feeling annoyed and sorry for myself that Jake can’t see what a good match we are or how much I like him—I’d give up on The Fangirl Project altogether if I could just get my best friend back.
—
It’s not very long before I’m double-messaging @runicrascal, then triple-messaging, and then basically sending a live feed of my thoughts throughout the entire episode.
I’ve heard that this is a big one, with a dramatic twist for Roach, Rogdan, and the rest of the Rascals, a main character death, Daxys confronting some of his former brothers-in-arms who are still guards for the evil royal family, and—the part I’ve most been looking forward to—Lady di Silver and Devon sneaking into a masquerade ball at the palace.
Sir Grayson, the Moonwalker, is at the ball in disguise, too, and it’s the first time in the entire series that they meet.
I watch, gripped, phone in hand ready to pester Jake with my reactions—whether he replies or not.
“I’ve heard much about you, Lady Adanna.”
“How did you—?”
“You give yourself away.” The Moonwalker spins her across the dance floor, and when he draws her back in, he ensnares her in his arms with a smirk, his finger tapping her bracelet, the one with the di Silver crest. “And is that a dagger you’re smuggling beneath your dress, or are you just happy to see me? ”
“Careful, sir; I thought knights were supposed to be noble, and you are being very ignoble right now.” She spins again, and this time when they come back together she gives him an arch look, and the Moonwalker’s eyes flash behind his mask.
“Now I believe our interests are aligned, are they not, Sir Grayson? Perhaps you should tell me what you know, and we might stop wasting our time squabbling instead of seeking answers. That is what you are here to do, isn’t it? ”
“They warned me you’d take no prisoners.” He grins, though it’s sharp as a knife, and the pair watch each other as if weighing an opponent; then Lady di Silver smiles, like she’s relishing the challenge. The song ends, and the Moonwalker bows deeply. She watches him go.
I betray myself, because I kind of like the dynamic they have going on, and I can see why people ship it.
@mythicwitch
UGH as if the Moonwalker and Lady di Silver had THAT MUCH chemistry. I’m offended that I enjoyed that scene so much
WAIT THAT’S IT? She’s just going to interrogate the prince?
WE HAVE BEEN ROBBED