Chapter 41
Note to self:
Pretending like everything is fine is my fatal flaw.
That first kiss was tender, a million feelings packed into one little chaste brush of our lips. He placed that first one right on the center of my mouth. Then on each corner. The tip of my nose. My eyelids, and that tickled a little and made me smile. But every kiss felt reverent, like he had been given a gift and he was going to unwrap it slowly and savor it.
Tentatively, I rested my hands on his chest where his heart thumped as rapidly as mine. He was solid and warm through his t-shirt, and I wanted to sink into it. I ran a hand up to his head and into his hair. The curls were softer than I expected, and I made a little sound of approval.
He grew bolder. A nibble on my bottom lip made me gasp and he deepened the kiss. His hand, low on my back, pulled me closer until there was only room left to do much more than breathe and I was only doing that sparingly.
You know when you’re a kid and you wanted something so badly, you begged, pleaded, dreamed, wished, and hoped for it? But when you finally got it, you’d built it up so much in your mind, that the reality of it wasn’t nearly as good as what was in your head.
This was not that.
This, I couldn’t have dreamed up because nothing had ever felt so right, like coming home. With a groan, Theo pulled away and rested his forehead on mine, his breaths coming fast and erratic.
“Can we do that again?” I asked.
He laughed and cupped my face. This kiss started languid and slow and made all my insides pool at my feet. But not for long. He shuffled forward until I was forced to inch back or fall. My back hit the wall. One of his hands slid down to my hip, finding the strip of skin between my shorts and t-shirt and stroking. My whole body went hot and cold and then hot again.
Theo pulled away and rested his forehead on the wall by my head. Most of his body pinned me to the wall and I slumped there, too weak-kneed and in such a Theo-induced coma to even think about moving.
I did try to talk. Sort of. “I, you, we…”
His shoulders shook.
“You are not laughing right now.”
He turned his head, smiling broadly. “That was one way to make you forget you were mad at me. I’ll remember that.”
I slugged him in the arm, pushed off the wall, and wandered across the room. I wished I could laugh, but instead of savoring the best kiss of my life, an unease settled in my chest. It must have been written on my face because when I turned around, Theo frowned and moved toward me.
“What’s wrong?”
I swallowed and put some distance between us. “What did that mean? That kiss?”
“What do you mean?” Those two little tick marks between his eyebrows appeared, and his body tensed.
“I can’t play pretend or…or just have fun. Not with you. If that didn’t mean something to you, then I want to know now.”
His shoulders relaxed. “Ali.”
“Yeah.”
“I thought I made that clear.”
“No, no, you did not. You’ve been confusing me for the last five days.” I began to pace. “You’ve been flirty and touchy-feely and, I don’t know, all intense stares, and I have no idea what it means.”
“It means…”
I held up my hand. “Let me finish.” My stomach dipped. I didn’t want to say any of this. Fight through it, Ramos. Be brave. “We both know I had a thing…no, I’m being brave, I have a thing for you. I-I really, really like you. It took a long time to get over it when I was a kid. You don’t know how much you broke my heart. I know, I was sixteen and dumb, and you did the right thing, I’m not blaming you. But it still hurt. A lot. I’ve had to work hard to be okay with us being friends. Really hard.”
Theo sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes following me as I walked back and forth.
“I don’t know if I can handle getting over you again. I’m supposed to be on a Love Sabbatical. I’m taking a break from all this love crap but here I am, trapped with the guy I’ve been half in love with for half my life and he’s been clear we’re only friends and now he’s kissing me. What am I supposed to do with that?”
My breath was coming quickly, and I wondered if I was having a panic attack. Wouldn’t that be something?
Doctor: What triggers your panic attacks?
Me: Driving. Oh, and sharing my deeply held feelings with a man I am ninety-five percent in love with. Now, how about some Xanax?
“You done?” Theo asked quietly.
I steeled myself and nodded.
He waited until I walked by him again and snagged my hand to pull me closer until I stood between his legs. I stared at my bare feet. “I really, really like you, too, Ali. I haven’t been trying to give you mixed signals. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you that.”
I braved a glance at his face. Pink stained his cheeks, and I thought maybe he was having trouble getting this out too.
“I’m not sure I’m good relationship material.” The words tumbled out of my mouth. “Maybe I’m too selfish or…or too emotionally distant…or just a little too damaged.”
“Ali, you are not damaged.”
A humorless laugh tumbled from my mouth. “I am, at least a little.” I tapped a finger to my head. “Weirdly wired brain. I could short-circuit at any second and have a seizure. There’s no guarantee that one won’t happen fifteen minutes from now. I might never be able to drive and…and what if one day, I become someone’s mom. It will always be in the back of my mind. I could have a seizure while I’m alone with my kid. And…”
He picked up both my hands and laced our fingers together. “I’ve never heard you talk like this. Where is this coming from?”
I shrugged. “Alec said some things when we broke up about how I was ‘emotionally unavailable’ and ‘closed off.’”
Theo’s eyes grew wide and then narrowed. “What an ass.”
“He broke up with me through a text and blocked my number so I couldn’t reply. Started dating two days after we broke up.”
“I amend my previous statement,” he said, his voice grim. “This is an ass and a tool.”
I couldn’t help but smile at how outraged he sounded on my behalf. “I’ve never told anyone that. Don’t be too mad at him. I think he’s right about some of those things. I don’t share my feelings, my real feelings. I hide a lot. I’m in plain sight, but I’m hiding. Smiling and going with the flow. And no one seems to question it, you know?”
He tugged until I sat on one of his legs. One of his hands cupped my cheek. “I see you.”
The thing was that I believed him. He did see me. Maybe he always had.
“Hey, no crying.” He caught the tears with his thumbs.
I sniffled. “Sorry. I think this entire road trip has flipped me upside down.”
“That’s not a bad thing. Sometimes when we get flipped upside down, we start to see things for how they really are.” He pressed his forehead to mine.
“Like you? Not that I didn’t know you. I don’t know all of you.”
He kissed the tip of my nose. “I don’t want to screw this up.”
“What does that mean?”
His gaze turned thoughtful. “Maybe we take our time. I’m not going anywhere and you’re not going anywhere.”
“You promise?” My voice cracked. “Are you sure you want to see where this might go?”
“I know where I want it to go.” His eyes locked on mine and my heart flipped right there in my chest. And something else happened at that moment.
I fell all the way, one hundred percent in love with Theo Goodnight.