13. Nate
Twelve Years Ago
“Cinnamon buns?” Addy questions, as she leaps up onto the counter. Her hands griponto everything she sees, spilling the open bag of flour as she does. “Oops.”
My eyes fall onto her, the sight of her sweeping up the spilt flour making me giggle, but after a while, my laughs lodge in my throat, the way and my voice dried up completely when I skimmed over the dress that’s covering her, again.
Addy has never made my chest hurt before, but for some reason, every time I catch aglimpse of her tonight, it starts hurting. And not in the way I’m used to. A new way. A nice way. I don’t know what to make of it.Didn”t know what to call the feeling in my chest last year either, when I opened the door to find her standing there.
She looked pretty in white.
Even prettier than she did last year when she wore it for the first time.
I shake my head.“You remember when we went to the city, and stopped in that bakerynear Venice, just past the marina?”
Addy’s head tilts up to me. “The one where I spent my entire life earnings for acupcake? How could I forget?” she laughs, slapping her hands together to rid them of the flour.
“Well, my mom knows the lady who owns it. And she snagged me… us… the recipefor those cinnamon buns that—”
“The ones that looked really gooey? And were the size of mountains?” She asks asher eyes light up, cheeks beaming.
There’s that pain again.Not pain, exactly. I craved this. I couldn”t explain it.
I brush it away.
“Yep,” I mutter, stepping around her and pulling open the oven, making sure it wasactually warming up before spinning back to face her. “I dunno, I just thought it would be fun. But if you wanna do something else—”
“Nate,” Her head tilts at me again, her topaz eyes sweeping over me. “It’s yourbirthday, okay? Yours. Not mine. We can do whatever you want, and I’ve already promised I won’t sing the song. Anddd we’re watching the original tri… whatever.”
“Trilogy—”
“Besides! It’s your day. We do what you want.” she says in a whisper before leaping back off the counter and grabbing an apron for each of us that I left out on the counter. “Who knows,” she says, slipping the apron over her head. “Maybe we’ll make it a birthday tradition?”
I make it onto set earlier than I need to. That’s what not sleeping all night will do toyou. Not sleeping for the past three nights, if we’re being technical.
To be honest, I don’t think I’ve had a full night’s sleep since my birthday last week.
I love Flo, and I love that Jacob found someone as amazing as her, but the second sheplaced those buns in the middle of the table, my soul turned to lead, plummeting to the depths of me with no proof of return.
Addy’s overly forced smile was obviously her way of pretending everything wasnormal, but I saw that smile dip the second she placed one in her mouth.
The thought of Addy triggered something, as my hand flew to my stomach, clutchingit like it would make that guilty feeling that was to blame for my sleepless nights and talkative conscience fade away.
You know why you bother, Addy.
It’s a guilty wear.
The echo of my words has me scrunching my eyes closed, my face contorted withregret.I don’t know what came over me when I collared her like that. Invading her space,whispering in her ear, and making her cry… like an asshole. I think it was the fact that she turned up in that dress that made my world fade red. What caused every memory from my past birthdays and that secret wrap party last year to take over.
But what hurt me more was seeing how broken she looked after what I did. She didn’treact like someone who knew they were in the wrong, or that she knew she was the reason for our angst.
She looked clueless. Wounded. Exhausted.
Like she was just as tired of this charade as I was.
Or she could just be as good a manipulator as I thought she was, and the hurt bunnylook she used as a mask that night was just a tactic for me to admit I was wrong.
Regardless, I still felt the need to apologise for crowding her like that.
I drop my shit off in my dressing room, taking a fleeting minute or two to rotin the egg chair that I finally had shipped here, before making headway for the snack table. I zero in on the likely burnt filter coffee, before spotting the espresso machine next to it and—
“Oh, sorry—”
“My bad, I’m—”
I walked into something. No, someone. And by the quick apology and cloud of fireI’m consumed in, it doesn’t take long for me to put two and two together.
“Oh, Nate. Sorry, I uh- I didn’t see you.” Addy says, her brows down turning, her casualsmile fading. She’s already in costume, one of those pastel summer dresses that Anastasia wears, which means she must have gotten here far earlier than me.
I wonder if she’s not been sleeping since that night either?
A quick scan of her shadowy undereyes confirms my suspicions, which only makesthat guilt creep further up my throat.
Her head drops once she realises where I’m looking, her hands fiddling with the scriptshe’s now clasping.
Naturally, silence descends on us. But so does the ease of being around her. Whenshe’s not wearing a dress that makes my heart hurt for the version of us that could exist, she always makes me feel calm. Always has.
A distant part of me secretly wishes that she’ll platonically be in my life forever, if itmeans a lifetime of peace.
Which reminds me.
“No, it’s… it’s fine.” Suddenly caffeine is the last thing on my mind, and every nightI’ve spent overthinking this moment crowds my head. “I wanted to talk to you, actually,” I confess, which has her curls springing upwards, waves ofstrawberry and vanilla that hover around her crashing over me.
“Oh, really?” She asks, drawing my attention to her glossy cupid’s bow, her eyes turning into globes and roaming mine.
My feet shuffle below me, nerves skating through my body. “Yeah, I just wanted to apologise, for my birthday—”
“Nate,” she sighs, her head falling forward like she knew this was coming.
“No, I shouldn’t have treated you like that. It was wrong of me to do, and I’m sorry. Okay?” I say to the top of her head, because she still won’t lift it.
That odd confidence her presence brings forces my next move as I lift my hand underher chin and tilt it to the stage lights above us, connecting our eyes with ease, thanks to her willingness to let me touch her again.
“I’m sorry, Adaline.”
Her eyes drop to my lips, like she’s trying to fathom that an apology just slipped pastthem.
I wonder if she’s deciding whether to forget this nearly decade-long feud and kiss melike I am with her. But the way her eyes fade into a shade that resembles the surface of Mars, and the words that fall out of her next kill that thought before it has a chance to rise to life.
“Stop apologising for the wrong things, Nate. It’s a waste. You can collar me all youwant, torment me for hours… I don’t care. But unless you’re going to apologise for leaving me on the pier that day, then I suggest you move your hand away from me before I move it for you.”
Before I can so much as suck in a breath, one of her hands falls from the script andbegins to trail my exposed forearm. She glides her soft fingertips along my skin, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps as she does. Those shivers quickly fade as she reaches my hand that’s holding her chin, yanking it from her in a way that was eerily close to snapping my wrist.
But she’s still near me, which means that the power I get from her hasn’t left me yet.As she goes to leave, I find her wrist with a gentle force, causing her eyes to shoot to my hand and then back up to my eyes.
And although she says she hates me, she still comes closer, my hand not pulling herwhatsoever.
“It’s funny, you know. I thought you would’ve been bored of playing this part by now,Addy. Seeing as though you always hated acting.”
“Have you ever considered that I’m not acting?” She fires back.
“No.” I tug her closer, a gentle movement that has our faces mere inches from oneanother. Her breath warms my face, and I narrow my eyes. “I can bet my life on the fact that not a single part of this act you”ve kept up is real.”
Surprise rolls through me as she drops her gaze to my lips, tracing every outline for two seconds, then three, before her eyes glide back up to meet mine. Considering howmany people are filtering into the set around us now, I can”t help but think that I imagined it, that she wouldn”t have put us in a position like that on purpose.
But we’re playing hopeless lovers; we could play it off and say that her pulling me down, our lips a hair away from one another, is just last-minute practice for the scene I’m dreading to film today.
“Well, if it”s your life you”re betting,” she drops her gaze once more, ”Then it”s been good knowing you.” Ipractically feel the wicked smile that graces her face from how close she is, before she slips her wrist from my hold and saunters away across the set.
An hour rolls by like a minute, and before I know it, I’m in the centre of the set withthe rest of the cast, waiting for Sebastian to give us our instructions for the day. Which is completely pointless, seeing as though we get the filming schedule and scene outline weeks in advance—
“Change of plan today, children.” Sebastian jogs out from the darkness, dodgingseveral cameras. “I spoke to Eleanor and the producers last night, and they want to try and capture the key moments with Harry and Anastasia soon so they can start working on early promos for the press.”
Of course they fucking do.
“Nigel, Amber, I will ask that you hang around for a little while, though.” His smilepeaks as he rubs his hands together. “We’ve got an important announcement later on.”
“Sure thing, boss,” Nigel says, shooting a hearty salute in Seb’s direction.
Amber nods. “Okey dokey.”
“Awesome.” Seb’s hands boom a clap. “Adaline and Nate, I’ll need you guys incostume and ready to get the restaurant scene in ten. Sound good?”
I miss Wesley Paige.
“Yep.” I pop the ‘p’, nodding a bit enthusiastically before my head swivels to Addy.
She looks like she’s just been told she’s being forced to skydive with no parachute.“Uh-huh. No problem.” She sings, rocking back and forth on her high tops.
“Greaaaat. Right guys, get this scene lit before we—” Seb’s voice fades out as hesaunters around the set, prepping himself for what he thinks will be a quick shoot.
In no time, I’m in Harry’s costume, composed of a basic white tee and blue jeans thathug my thighs but are loose everywhere else, a backwards cap and some tan work boots. The boots thud me onto the set of a restaurant, the cheesy Italian decor surrounding the walls and the dim lighting create that moody effect that hangs over the entire movie.
I feel her walking onto the set before I spot her. Like my body has an internal Addyradar that makes my muscles relax whenever my eyes land on her. My eyes drift up and land on the shades of crimson and clover green as they stride towards the makeshift booth I’m sitting in, my legs tensing and spine freezing as she slides in opposite me.
This is the first scene we’ve filmed together. Just the two of us. I suppose I’ve beenhoping that we could somehow go through the entire shoot without this happening, but that was stupid of me to wish for. We’re playing lovers, for God’s sake.
With both of us off-script by this point, too, it means that our hands have nothing to busyourselves with while we wait for the crew to set up in front of us. My elbows nearly grind into the fake table from stress, my eyes skimming everything but the girl in front of me.
Clouds of awkwardness hang over us amongst the stage lights and oversized camerasthat surround us. It’s like we’re trapped. My breathing goes erratic, which is weird considering that never happens around Addy. But I take my breaths, think of her, release said breath, and repeat until I hear the ‘Are we ready?’ coming from Seb in the darkness.
And then… we switch.
“Can you believe him? Asking me to prom via text.” Her smile is infectious.
Fake, butinfectious.
“I swear it’s like men have forgotten how to be gentlemen.” She sips on nothing through the twisty straw now positioned between her lips, head tilting and her eyes going all wide and wonderstruck. “Oh! I forgot to ask; how did you ask Stacey?” She scoots closer, leaning further over the table.
I sink back into the booth, my face morphing into character. Harry hasn’t actuallyasked anyone to prom yet, because he wants to take Anastasia, so I shake my head and play it cool, flicking my wrist in the air. “Oh, I haven’t… yet.” I stutter. “I’m not even sure she’d say yes if I did ask her, Stas.” I straighten my spine, before leaning to meet Addy’s elbows in the centre of the table. “How would you want to be asked?” I narrow my eyes at her.
She shuffles in her seat, before flicking her hair behind her shoulder. “I’d wantsomething intimate. Personal. I’d want whoever asked me to actually get to know me before they went all in with some crappy prom-posal.” Her eyes met the fluorescent lighting strung above us, the blue mixing with the fire that lived in hers. “They’d know I’m a bookworm, so they’d plant a note in the middle of my favourite book, knowing I’ll re-read it eventually. And that note will lead me to the next.”
“A scavenger hunt? Are you seven?” I squint at her, not holding back on the smirkthat’s dying to shine.
“At heart. Now, can I carry on?” She quips, and the way she rolls her eyes and cancelsit out with the pearly smile she dishes me sends me headfirst into the past.
Fuck, I don’t like this.
We used to be like this. We used to casually spar like this, call each other names, andtease each other to the point where we’d both be hunched over and cackling within minutes. And that’s what’s scaring me. The way I’m craving for this to be real.
“Anyway, after I’ve found all the notes, I’ll be led to a special place where the personresponsible for the notes will be waiting. With lights and flowers and subtle music that I only notice when my steps take me closer.” I soaked up every single way her face lit up, because I didn’t know the next time I’d get to enjoy it so rawly, so close as I’m being allowed to now.
“He’ll ask me to prom, and I’ll say yes—”
“CUT!!”
Both of our heads flick to Seb in unison, my ears ringing from the call bell and my brows drawn in the same way I knowAddy’s are.
“Adaline, darlin?” Seb calls. “We love everything, but we are thinking of having youtwo sit next to each other instead. These cameras aren’t playing ball. Is that okay?”
Her faded ruby eyes turn into planets. “Umm, sure. Yeah. Yeah, I can… do that.”
“Your excitement is almost overwhelming, Add’s.” I mumble, which earns me a pointedglare from the woman herself.
“Grow up.” she spits as she slides out of her side and slowly glides into the spacenext to me.
The entire right side of my body is now suddenly on fire, and I am very aware of howclose she is to me. Her scent nearly paralyses me, tormenting me with waves of fresh berries and deathly sweet vanilla. Luckily, my height is serving me well as I tower over her body, meaning she can’t see that I’m squeezing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose to help me fight whatever she’s unknowingly doing to me.
I know I was all up in her space on my birthday, but that was different. There’s a layerof causality to this that I don’t like. It’s all too familiar. And my heart is having a hard time deciding if I’m acting or if I’m beginning to enjoy having her this close again.
“Let’s go from Anastasia’s last line,” Booms Seb, and the crew behind him busythemselves with moving the cameras to face us. “And, action!”
She switches again. “He’ll ask me to prom, and I’ll say yes.”
I pull away from her, my arm casually draping along the back of the booth. “And whois this mystery man you’re picturing doing all this for you, then?”
She stiffens as Anastasia, because, if it wasn’t blindingly obvious, she’s picturingHarry doing all this sweet stuff for her. “Oh, I don’t know. He doesn’t really have a face.” she insists, before dropping her attention to her twisty straw.
I prepare myself for Harry’s big bombshell line, which I’m assuming had everyonekicking their feet and giggling when they read this for the first time in the book.
“It’s me, isn’t it?” I say so casually, waiting for Addy to flip her face tome, her eyes wide and mouth gaping.
“What?” She gasps, dropping her bottle and straw back onto the table.
“The guy you’re picturing. It’s me.”
She shakes her head, her eyes falling onto me, and the soft corners of her face mesmeriseme in a way that they haven’t for a long time. “How do you—”
“CUT!” Seb’s voice calls, breaking my and Addy’s staring competition. “What is it?”He shouts to someone in the shadows, tucked away behind a camera. “Oh, shit. Right.Fuck, okay.” he rubs a hand against his chin before hollering at me and Addy. “Guys, just give me a few minutes; I have to deal with something super quick. Take five.”
I feel Addy pull away from me, probably realising how cosy she got to me in the finalseconds before the scene was stopped.The crew around us filters out, and only a few camera operators and light handlershover around us in the director’s absence. I’m expecting Addy to slide out and leave me, seeing as though she’s no longer contractually required to be near me.
But she doesn’t.
Instead, she rests her head back against the booth, blowing out a hefty breath beforebringing her hands to cover her face.
A twinge of panic glides through my body, that historical ache in my heart fromseeing her so stressed triggering something inside me. I could recognise that action anywhere. It’s the same one she’d do when I’d catch her through her bedroom window, coming home at stupid o’clock in the morning after another full day of auditions or filming.
She’d do what she’s doing now, for about a minute or two, before scrambling underher pillow to pull out her storybook, and she’d sit and scribble until sleep captured her.
And unfortunately, I don’t stop my mouth before it blurts out, “You okay?”
She doesn’t budge, but I can feel her tense up beside me. She’s not as smooth as shethinks. “I’m fine.” she spits from behind her hands.
“Yeah, you look it, too.” I retaliate, not budging, because my arm that’s still drapedacross the back of the booth is acting as a makeshift pillow for her head. “I’ve seen that look before, Addy. You don’t have to do this.”
She peaks out from behind her fingers. “What, tolerate you?”
“Tolerate this.” Her hands fully come off her face, revealing her cheeks that havebeen flushed a shade similar to her hair. For a moment, her eyes glide over to me, and while I have her attention, I don’t waste any time before I remind her, “You don’t have to pretend with me.”
Her eyes search mine for the punchline, but she won’t find one. I truly meaneverything I just said to her. I was the first person she told about not liking acting. I was the person she’d cry to when she got so overwhelmed with her days that writing her feelings into characters for her stories wasn’t enough to take away that drowning feeling.
“I told you acting wasn’t what I was meant for. Seems I can’t lie about loving this lifeas well as I used to.” A small, humourless chuckle slips from her mouth and remains parted, two lines of peachy pink tormenting me like her scent that’s still strangling me.
And if I hold still for long enough, I can see the girl I fell in love with all those yearsago, without being reminded that she never truly loved me.
“No, I don’t think anyone else would have a clue that you’d rather be reading… orwriting.” I feel her entire soul freeze this time. “I think I’ve just had longer to learn how to recognise when you’re really smiling.”
I see her remember then. I scan her eyes as the thousands of memories we sharedtogether race through her mind like a montage. Her fiery eyes roam my earthy green ones, realising that maybe there was still something more than decade-old angst between us.
I want there to be. I want there to be some sort of love between us, just as much as I want to see a real smile grace her lips.
I dip my head closer to her. “Look, Addy, maybe we should—”
“Guys! Can we all gather around, please? That announcement has arrived… early.”
Both mine and Addy’s heads whip around to face Sebastian, my words dying in mythroat when my eyes land on his announcement.
“Can someone go find Amber and Nigel, please?” Sebastian’s voice is all muffled inmy thumping ears.
As my eyes regretfully drink up the sight of an all too familiar stance, piercing blueeyes and shades of dusty blonde hair that rest annoyingly nice atop of his head, that voice in my head is trying to convince me I’m hallucinating from the lack of sleep and calories.
But I’d know that smug fucking smile anywhere. It’s haunted my thoughts and myheart from the second I first laid eyes on him when I was fifteen.
I can tell Addy knows who it is too, and that does nothing to help the fact that he’sreally here and not a figment of my imagination. Some waking nightmare that has my mind running wild.
And then his eyes land on Addy. Big blue tractor beams, cutting straight through herand burning even me.I feel her tense up again, and my heart nearly flatlines when I feel her scootbackwards slightly, the top of her ass brushing my leg. But what does she have to be scared about? She’s kissed the guy before.
Blurry versions of Amber and Nigel breach my peripheral, but I don’t budge my lineof sight.
“Oh good, everyone’s here.” Seb calls, sauntering back over to the man I once upon atime wanted to punch in the face. I still do, actually, because his eyes are trained on Addy.Holding her stare like he—
“Everyone, it’s my pleasure to introduce you all to Asher Hartford. He’s going to bejoining the cast!”