24. Adaline
Idon’t know how many moments there’ve been where I’ve wished to go back in time. For atime machine to exist. I’ve lost count.
But if one did exist, the first place I’d ask it to take me back to would be the moment before I lefthome. Before I left Goldie to fend off our parents by herself. I’d stay a little longer. I’d stay and make sure she wasn’t following in my constantly watched footsteps. I’d stay until I knew she was capable of telling my parents that she didn’t want the life they’d written for me.
But I suppose if I did that, I probably wouldn’t be where I am now. The butterfly effectand all that.
I wouldn’t have lived the life I’m thankful I had the opportunity to live. Granted, it wasn’tthe one I wanted, but it was the one I knew, was comfortable with, and one that I knew would have my back until I found the confidence to stand on my own.
Still, I wish I’d stayed with my sister that little bit longer.
They’ve booked me onto a project in London.
It’s a nine-month contract.
Addy, I’m so scared.
I don’t want to go.
Goldie’s terrified voice is the only thing I can focus on right now. It’s echoing in mymind, blinding me, making the world spin, and the walls of my dressing room feel that much smaller.
I should have been to see her sooner. I shouldn’t have limited our visits to holidays andher birthday to spend time with her. I was scared, to be honest, of seeing my parents. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen them since I left California, partly because when I’d travel to L.A. to see Goldie, I’d make it my mission to never tangle our lives again.
Hearing Goldie tell me what they were doing to her, where they were taking her, I’dnever wanted to see them so badly. And not for the fuzzy reunion they were expecting, either.
It’ll be fine… I think.
College will be here when I get back.
It’s all fine.
My hands grip the sides of my head, silent tears streaming down my face at the ghost ofher voice haunting my thoughts.
She was too much like me at that age, that was the problem. I was terrified to say no, toturn down something my parents had likely fought for. I’d be a selfish little brat to deny the opportunities that were being handed to me.
Give it a chance, my darling. When I was your age, I would have done anything for anopportunity like this, my mom used to tell me in the car rides home after a day of auditions.
This is for the best, Adaline. Think of how our lives will change if you do this!My dadwould remind me as he escorted me on the first day of shooting.
And I sat there, in the passenger seat of the car, and nodded, too enthusiastically that Ihoped it would distract them from how badly my fingers were twitching, desperate to make it down the highway to get home and write.
And instead of being brave, I smiled, and said thank you, and did what I was told. Ipeople pleased my way through childhood, graciously smiled and agreed through my teens. Until one day, I realised how boring staying silent was.
And I left.
You left Goldie to take your place, my heart reminds me, to which I reply by grabbing thetissue box resting on the vanity and launching it to the back of the room—
“Ow, oh my God,” Someone calls from the door, as I frantically wipe away any evidencethat I was sad and twist my back to face whoever it was. “Is this what I get for not knocking?”
The voice laughs, the whimsy tones make me realise it was Amber.
Thanks, Universe, thanks a lot.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” I grit out as I turn back to face the vanity, slyly watching her emerge intothe room in the reflection, like a deer braving its first winter.
“Thought I’d come and check on you, I feel like we’ve barely had a conversation thatwasn’t written by someone else,”
Could that possibly be because you and the boy I thought I was going to marry are nowdating?I want to say to her, but the reminder that she and Nate were seeing each other… maybe… and only a few hours ago I had my mouth on his and—
I kissed Nate.
He kissed me.
His mouth collapsed onto mine, and I didn’t pull away.
That wasn’t what we did. We were never meant to do that. And I’m thinking all of thiswith Amber in the room. Amber, the girl he’s dating. Maybe dating. I forgot to ask him. But still, I shouldn’t have kissed him back. I should’ve pulled away the second my thoughts caught up with what was happening.
I didn’t want to pull away though. I wanted to kiss him. It took all of three seconds andthe swipe of his tongue over mine for me to realise that I’d wanted to kiss him for a while.
The ghost of his mouth pressed against me, the muscles stretched across his backmoulding in my palms, forcing me to drop my head and clamp my eyes as hard as I could. Heat pooled in my stomach, descending lower, the thought of him spurring on something I didn’t know how to—
“Are you okay, Adaline? You’re breathing really heavily, honey.” Amber speaks, in thegleeful way she always spoke, and after another deep breath, I pull myself together and twist back to face her again.
“I’m fine, I promise.” Her eyes narrowed at me, the corners of them creasing in a way thattold me she wasn’t buying the lies, so I switched the subject to one I know she’s fond of. “How are you anyway? I’m sorry I’ve not caught up with you in a while!” I beam, too brightly, while stretching up from the chair and leaning against it.
“Oh, you know me, I’m fine,” she said, pacing. “Can’t wait to head back to L.A. for therest of this shoot, to be honest, I miss it.”
Amber was a California girl like me, although she grew up in the eye of the glitz andglamour hurricane, while we had a little patch of normality up in the outskirts of Palm Springs. She only made an entrance into stardom in the last year of her teens though, unlike me, who had the bittersweet pleasure of memorising every audition room in West Hollywood from the age of six.
But you could tell she thrived there. In a way I never did. She was your textbookHollywood golden girl; the person you think of when someone asks you to name a celebrity.And, annoyingly, she wasn’t at all arrogant about it. She was as humble as a cartoon pieon a windowsill.
“Me too, it’ll be nice to see my…” Sister. Who’s leaving. For London. “…Family. And some time by the ocean wouldn’t hurt, too.”
“Oh, tell me about it. I miss surfing first thing in the morning.” she exclaims, as her eyesgo wide. “How about a surfing day together? Just us two?”
My lashes fanned at her, wondering if Nate had told her about our history on their outingstogether. Like he told Flo.
Nate was the one who taught me to surf. Well, he tried to. On one of our trips to Sunfall Pier,he decided to bring the surfboard he’d gotten the Christmas just gone. We both gave up after I lost his board to a ten-foot wave that pulled me under, and then we stood on the sandbank and watched the bright green board float off into the depths of the North Pacific.
Sand and salt in our hair, smiles stuck to our faces, and the golden sunset bronzing us.
Falling into a love we had no idea how to handle.
I stare back at Amber, paying attention to the hope in her smile. “Um, yeah… I guess wecould… if you wanted to.”
It’s then that I see her deflate, and for someone who is like sunshine personified, it’s quiteheartbreaking to watch. The corners of her mouth fall, as the tone of my voice hits her ears and tells her that surfing with her is the last thing I want to do. I feel awful, for a second or two, until those pictures of her and Nate sneaking off into cars together project in my mind.
Taking a step closer to me, she shook her head, her hands locking and pressing over herchest. “Have I done something, Addy? Did I say something to upset you? If I have, please tell me, and know that I didn’t mean whatever I’ve done for you to get so distant.”
I shake my head as I walk towards her, guilt rocking me as I hold out my hands to grabhers. “You haven’t done anything, Amber, I promise. The last month or two has been… too chaotic to put into words. This shoot is testing me, and I’m sorry if I made you think that you were the reason for me not speaking to you.”
She was the reason, for a moment in time. But the girl didn’t deserve the silent treatment,I barely had the energy to keep that up with Nate, now. Adding one more person to the list was a job I didn’t want to clock in for.
And if she and Nate liked each other… then… I was happy for them.
Although if this morning’s actions were anything to go by, if the way Nate squeezed mywaist and kissed me harder when he realised I wasn’t pulling away said anything, it was that he and Amber were nothing compared to us.
“I’d love to have a surfing day with you,” I told her, and smiled when I saw that sparklestart to twinkle in her eyes again.
“Eeeek! I know the perfect little private beach just up the road from Malibu, I can’twait!” She beamed before shaking her head, like she remembered something. “Oh, did you know that Eleanor’s here today?”
I did not.
I shook my head at her. “Well, she’s just in a meeting with the producers, and Sebastian,and then I think she’s gonna be hovering over the scenes today.”
What felt like excitement replaced what was left of that heat that had pooled in mystomach. “Oh, cool.”
“Well, I”ll see you later, Addy.” She bends down beside her and plucks the box of tissues I’dthrown at her before, handing them back to me with a smile, her golden ponytail sliding over her shoulders as she tilts her head at me.
My eyes met hers. “I know what this life is like Addy, don’t suffer in silence. If you needme, come find me.”
Before I could say anything, she passed me a smile, before slipping back out of the doorand closing it behind her. And like the click of the handle was a starting pistol, I felt the tears I’d let slip before carry on falling.
Truthfully, I’d been waiting for the day when Eleanor, author of Forever and Always,would grace the set with her undoubtedly intimidating presence.
I wasn’t nervous to meet her. Nate had said at his birthday dinner that she mentioned shewas happy with how I was playing Anastasia. I think the only reason I’d rather lock myself in my dressing room all day is because, throughout the shoot, I’ve realised just how much I’ve fallen out of love with acting.
If I was ever in love with it in the first place.
The fame, acting… it was like my crush on Asher in some ways. For a moment in mylife, I could imagine a version of us that could have lasted, and taken over the world; but you can’t fully hand over your heart to someone, something, when something or someone else knows it’s theirs.
My heart didn’t sing for Asher the way it belted for Nate.
Just like how my heart doesn’t cry for acting the way it sobs for writing.
It’s a love that’s impossible to compare.
I think that’s why I was nervous to cross paths with Eleanor; because when I did, I’d haveto lie to her. I’d have to lie about how much I’ve adored being here. I couldn’t do that to someone I looked up to. I just couldn’t.
I eventually find the courage to slip out of my dressing room, immediately being blindedby the stage lights that seemed brighter than they were a few days ago. Maybe they amped them up for Eleanor, like when your principal would sit at the back of your classroom and the teacher that’s been anti-homework all year decides to send you home with a two-thousand-word report that’s due the next day.
That’s what it feels like.
And when I see Sebastian without his signature, million-dollar smile, I know that thewoman stalking behind him, all legs and no evidence of ever smiling in her life, is the reason he’s no longer Mr. Nice Guy.
They make headway over to me, freezing me to the floor like I’m about to be grounded. Ianxiously wait for them to reach me, and the longer I don’t see Seb crack a smile, the more worried I get.
“Adaline, I’d like to introduce you to someone.” Icy, emotionless, so completelyun-Sebastian of him. He twists his body and gestures to the scariest woman I think I’ve ever seen. “This is Miss Winthrop. Eleanor Winthrop. The author of—”
“Sebastian, let the poor girl breathe,” The lady with the sharpest cheekbones and deepestbrown eyes I’d ever seen, with, somehow, a sweeter voice than Amber’s, says to him with a pat of his shoulder, before turning her attention down to me.
“Miss Moore, it’s a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance.” She pushes her way pastSeb, who has a glimmer of a smile on his face. The movement makes her black bob shake, the clean-cut lines as sharp as her cheeks.
“I’m…“ I stumble, wondering if her casualness was a test for me to drop my guard. “It’sa pleasure… too. I’m such a huge fan.” I beam, earning me a smile that didn’t match her aura.
Like if the evil queen had Snow White’s personality.
Her eyes soften slightly, as they trace my face. “I can say the same with you, my dear. Mylittle girl was so beyond jealous of you in that Christmas movie you did as a kiddo; she refused to leave the house without string lights wrapped around her pigtails for weeks!”
Her chuckle was like a cup of sugar; the meaning of sweetness.
Sebastian craned his neck upward to Eleanor, who towered over him in the maroon heelsadorning her, would shock me if they weren’t polished, feet. I study him with a smile as his eyes narrow, like he’s questioning whether the woman before us was the same one who was just in the meeting with him, the one who caused his casualness and southern charm to disappear.
“Neither would my little sister,” I laugh, doing my best not to crack at the thought ofGoldie, every colour of sparkly ribbon perfectly tangled in her golden blonde braids, rushes through my mind.
“Are you enjoying your visit so far?” I ask with a cough, hoping to help the lump in mythroat go away.
“Oh, yes. I still can’t believe this is happening. A movie, of my book. I’m sure I’ll neverget over it.” She beams, before turning to Sebastian and laying a freshly manicured hand on his shoulder. “Seb, would you mind giving me and Miss Moore a moment to talk?”
His head bobs forward, like a dashboard bobblehead. “Yeah, sure! Not a problem. I needto… uhh… get this next scene set up. Yeah, sure, I’ll head…” he says, throwing a thumb over his shoulder. “Yeah, I’ll go.”
Before we know it he’s practically running towards the gaggle of crew members huddledaround one of the four cameras surrounding the set, as I shift my head to Eleanor, who catches my eye as I nod my chin at her.
“I take it the meeting went well if he’s practically jumping out of his skin every time youtalk to him?” Laughter bubbles around my question.
Eleanor lets a smirk curl up her face, her mahogany eyes shooting me a knowing look. “Ithought his nice guy act was just an act when I walked in. I take it that’s not the case though?”
I shake my head. “Seb’s probably my favourite director I’ve ever worked with. He’s got agift with this job for sure, and he’s just a really good guy.”
“No need for the ice queen act then?” She asks, dipping her eyes down her body and backto me, a laugh slipping past her lips that matched her patent pumps.
“I don’t think so,”
A shrug rolled through her shoulders. “I just wanted to make sure the story wasn’t beingturned into something it shouldn’t. I’ve seen it happen before, and half the time it’s like these people never read the book they’re turning into a movie.”
I nod at her. “I get it. I can’t imagine writing such a heartwarming story, only for it to beturned into something completely different.”
I can’t imagine releasing a book into the world in the first place.
“But Seb, and everyone really, has done such a good job. We’ve…” Liar. Liar. Liar. “All,really enjoyed this project.”
I train my eyes on everything but Eleanor, terrified that she’ll read the lie written all overmy face.
“Really?” she asks, in a tone that does nothing but prick up my ears and drag my eyesover to her. It was a tone that told me she didn’t believe what’d just left my mouth, without having to fact-check it.
All I can do is nod, then scan the set once more, like it would help deepen the lie—
“You know, we’ve actually met before.” My head twists to face her. “Only once, yearsago.”
I tried to find the forgotten memory, searching every corner of my mind for the womanlooking down at me, but there was nothing. No sign of her.
With a quick breath, I asked, “We have?”
Her nod made her bob bounce, before she tucked an onyx strand behind her ear. “Youauditioned for a show I was a writer on. One of those cheesy kids’ dramas. Can’t remember the name.” Her hands flailed, ever so gracefully. “But you auditioned… walked into the room like you’d done this thing a million times before.” her eyes bore off into the distance, as though the memory was being projected onto the walls of the lot.
“You were so sure of yourself, for a nine-year-old. Like you’d had too much lifeexperience to fit into such a small body. You knew what to say, who to talk to, who to smile at. You knew the process too well.”
And then her voice turned solemn… sad.
“I don’t think you thought anyone was looking when your head dropped, only for asecond, but when you lifted it back up… I saw it. I saw that you would rather be anywhere else than in this room, talking and pretending for these people who didn’t deserve such a strong presence.”
Her eyes found their way back to me, the walls her confession built breaking down andthe sounds of the crew filtering between us.
“I thought you’d be like the other child stars. Have a normal career. Which was why I was so surprised when I kept seeing your name pop up in trailers and magazines and anywhere else they could showcase you. Not because you aren’t good, or don’t deserve the recognition, because you are truly talented at this job.”
“But I could see that little girl wanted to be doing something else. I can still see it now.”
What felt like fear washed over me, my face dropping, eyes fluttering closed for a moment. “So when I heard them mention your name in one of the first meetings when we eventually got around to talking about casting options, I knew who I wanted as my Anastasia.”
Another shrug. “I figured I could finally solve the mystery, that we could talk about whatthat other thing was that you would’ve rather been doing all those years ago, and whether you still felt the same way now.”
That was the thing about writers, we could read people. We spent our spare minutesfiguring out a million different ways to describe the same actions, trying to find a new way to describe how someone could fall in love… and when you dedicate the quiet moments to typing up a fictional person, exploring what makes them tick, what their secrets are, how they keep them hidden, it’s almost like a gateway, a cheat code for how to figure out these things for the real people in your life.
When Eleanor looked at me, she wasn’t simply giving me her attention… she wasunpeeling the masks I kept on, shredding them apart piece by piece until there was nothing to hide the truth. Until it was as clear as the morning tides, no place to hide even the tiniest of seashells.
“So, prey tell. What was it?”
I fold my arms over my waist, a breath coming out of my nose as a smile emerges.“Writing.”
Eleanor’s reaction was one I wanted to watch over and over again, because she didn’treally react. Like, somehow, she’d known the word that was about to leave my mouth. As if one of those masks had had the answer written across it.
Her eyes didn’t get wide, her gasp was non-existent. All she did was let a weak, knowingsmile creep on her face. “Oh, I do love a plot twist.”
I couldn’t help but drop my head as a smile, the biggest one I’d formed in days, bloomedacross my lips, my jaw enjoying the ache it brought. And then I let a laugh slip as I asked, “Is this your way of saying I can quit this movie without backlash from you?”
This time, she gasped. “Oh heavens no! You are like the reincarnation of Anastasia. Justhow I pictured her!” her eyes went soft again. “Plus, your chemistry with Nate is undeniable.”
It was as if my brain switched off when I muttered, “Well, yeah. That’s what playing childhood lovers with someone you were actually in love with as a kid will do to you—”
I threw a hand over my mouth, but it didn’t matter. I’d already said more than I shouldhave. The words had left me.
But that didn’t stop Eleanor from reacting how I thought she would before. Wide eyes.Loud gasp. Gaped mouth. The whole sha-bang.
“Oh, now this is a story I need to hear.”
Just as Eleanor takes me under her wing, I spot the man I kissed this morning.
I held his eyes like he held me this morning.
The longer I get lost in those green pools, swirling with strands of gold, I remember the books—the beautifully bound books in my favourite colour. Somehow I’d always known, that if my books were ever to be set free in the literary world, that would be the colour they’d wear, and knowing that Nate had had the same idea when he set and bound them for me…
I smiled at him.
And to my surprise, my heart did a summersault when I watched him smile back at me.