Chapter 30
THIRTY
Once she’d finished explaining, Erica searched Mollie’s face for her reaction. If anything, she looked lost, cast adrift on a sea of uncertainty.
She tried again to make her understand. ‘I can’t even begin to explain how guilty I have felt since that day, Mol. I still dream about it. The feeling of your hand slipping out of mine is something I will never ever forget.’
Mollie broke her gaze and looked down at her own hands in her lap. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before? Why didn’t you talk to me about the fire?’
‘I didn’t think you’d remembered any of it. You were in hospital after the fire, and afterwards it wasn’t something we wanted to dwell on. But every time I see your scars, I think about it and wonder if I could have done it differently. Did I not hold your hand tight enough? Did I not shout loud enough for you to come back? Could I have managed to get the two of you out at the same time?’
Though these questions had taken up residence in her head for the last five years, it was the first time in a very long while that Erica had said them out loud. They’d become whips to torture herself with in the dead of night. Speaking them into the air, into Mollie’s ears, seemed to lessen their power.
For the next few moments, they were silent. Erica needed to let the lump in her throat loosen before it choked her. Mollie seemed to be taking everything in. She scooped up pebbles in her hands and threw them, one at a time, in the direction of the sea.
While they were silent, Erica relived that moment again. The loss of Mollie’s tiny fragile fingers from her grasp. Was it the heat? The sweat of fear in her palms? Why hadn’t she been able to hold on?
Mollie’s voice was small and Erica had to strain to hear her words. ‘I did used to wonder. Why I had scars on my arm and Benjamin didn’t. I thought maybe he was quicker than me or something.’
Though Andrew had gone in the ambulance with Mollie, Erica had called Celeste to come and take Ben and then followed on behind. To this day, she could still hear the sound of Mollie’s cries as they’d cleaned and dressed her burns at the hospital. She’d gripped Erica’s hand, tried to pull herself off of the bed and into Erica’s arms. In the end, the nurse had had to ask Erica to hold her still so that she could make sure they hadn’t missed any debris that could cause infection. Though she knew it was the only thing to do, it had been a fresh torture to have to hold her in place while someone caused her pain. Her cries of ‘No, Mummy, please make it stop’ still woke Erica at night in a cold sweat.
Now she’d started to tell her about it, everything was bubbling to the surface. ‘I still don’t know if I did the right thing. Whether I could’ve put Ben down and dragged him to find you.’
Was it a good idea to be this honest? Would it be worse for Mollie to think that her mother had got it wrong?
For the first time, Mollie looked as if she didn’t absolutely hate her. ‘I get it, Mum. I can see why you did what you did. I suppose it’s my fault for running away.’
No way did she want this turned around so that Mollie was to blame. ‘No, sweetheart. You were so little. And it was terrifying in there. The heat. The smoke. I was yelling at you. And you wanted to save Joanie. You always had such a big heart for saving everyone else.’
It was true. How much time had Mollie spent with her brother? Even when each year made the gap in their abilities widen further. When she’d long outgrown the toys he wanted to play with, the TV shows he wanted to watch, she’d sit alongside him, watching Octonauts for the hundredth time, passing him coloured blocks to stack into piles.
Mollie picked up a large grey pebble and stroked it with her thumb. ‘And now I’ve run away again. No fire this time, though.’
The attempted joke in her voice squeezed Erica’s heart. Though she wanted to pull her close, she knew she needed to wait and listen, give Mollie a chance to speak. Hadn’t she been trained to support a child by listening and letting them use the words they had? Not to ask leading questions or put words in their mouths.
But Mollie wasn’t a student. She was her precious daughter. ‘I’m sorry you felt you had to run away. Whatever you need to tell me is fine, Mollie. I’m not going to be shocked or cross or feel any differently than I do now, which is that I love you and want to make everything okay.’
Mollie pulled her knees up to her chest. ‘I don’t think you can.’
Erica shifted her position; the stones were hard and made an uncomfortable seat. ‘Try me.’
Head on her knees, Mollie’s voice was muffled by her sweater. ‘I sent some photos. To a boy I was talking to online. Before you say anything, I know it was stupid. I know that I’m a complete idiot.’
At least it was out in the open now. That was the first step. ‘We all do stupid things sometimes. That doesn’t make us stupid.’
By the look on Mollie’s face when she raised her head, Erica’s attempt to keep even the merest trace of judgement from her voice had rendered it trite. ‘Seriously, Mum, stop using teacher speak. I know what an utter idiot I’ve been.’
She wasn’t a teacher right now, but she knew what Mollie meant. ‘It’s not teacher speak. Well, I suppose it is. But it’s also true. We all make mistakes, Mollie. I’ve made more than there’s pebbles on this beach.’
After a pause, Mollie changed the subject. ‘I didn’t get onto the school council. I had an interview. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to say anything to Miss Winters about it.’
Why did she think she’d go to Celeste? ‘I wouldn’t have done that.’
The eye roll was exaggerated. ‘You wouldn’t be able to help yourself. You’re always chatting to her about me.’
That wasn’t true, but now wasn’t the time to get into that. ‘So you didn’t tell me about it.’
‘No. And also because…no, it’s stupid.’
‘What?’
‘I wanted to surprise you with it. You get a really big badge and I thought I’d wait for you to spot it and then it’d be a nice surprise.’
Tears pricked the back of Erica’s eyes. She could almost taste the disappointment coming from Mollie. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t get it. But I’m only sorry for you. I’m so proud of you. I don’t need to see a badge to know how wonderful you are.’
Shaking her head, Mollie discounted her last words. ‘It was even worse when Amelia got it. I know that you say we have to be happy for our friends. And it’s part of the sisterhood to lift up other women. But I really deserved it more than her. I’ve never had a detention and I help out the teachers all the time.’
She wanted to pull Mollie onto her lap like a baby. She did deserve it more than Amelia. She worked harder. Was more diligent. More empathetic to other students.
But Amelia was more outgoing. More confident. Students like Mollie, who always quietly did the right thing, were often easy to take for granted, to overlook. It wasn’t intentional, no teacher wanted to overlook any child. But school life was so busy, so full of deadlines and events and it was too easy to just be grateful for the quiet studious students who didn’t demand attention. It was also easy, she was realising now, to do the same as a parent.
‘It’s okay to be disappointed, love. It’s also okay to feel that it was unjust. Maybe it was. Teachers – and head teachers – get it wrong, too. I just wish I’d known about it. I would’ve taken you out and treated you. Tried to cheer you up.’ She paused, not wanting to push too hard. ‘You can tell me anything, you know.’
Mollie took a deep breath. ‘I had a boyfriend for a few weeks. It wasn’t anything serious. We only hung out a couple of times on our own. Mostly we were with the whole group. But it was nice. He used to hold my hand.’
How had her baby got to this stage already? ‘That does sound nice.’
‘But then he finished with me and I just felt really really…shitty.’
She glanced up at her mother, obviously expecting to be reprimanded for swearing, but that felt as important as one of these pebbles plopping into the sea. Erica let it go. ‘I’m sure it did. It’s horrible to feel unwanted, isn’t it?’
Even when she was really small, Mollie would hold her emotions tightly beneath the surface for as long as she could before they came out of her in a rush. Now her face crumpled into tears as she blurted her feelings at Erica. ‘I’m so sorry I sent that photo. I’ve made such a mess. He’s going to post it online, Mum. Everyone is going to see it.’
Her fingers itched to take her into her arms. ‘We know, Mollie. Your dad and I, because the person who is doing this to you has done it to other people. The police are aware. They told your dad.’
Mollie looked mortified. ‘Everyone knows?’
Erica shuffled closer, something sharp cut into the back of her thigh. ‘Not everyone. Just a small team of police and us.’
Mollie let her face fall into her hands and groaned. ‘I didn’t want Dad to find out. I didn’t want anyone to find out. It’s so humiliating.’
‘I get it, sweetheart. But we’re going to help you to sort this out. I’m here now. You’re not going through this on your own.’
When she raised her head, Mollie’s face was red and wet with tears. ‘You’re never here. I never see you. You want me to talk to you but you’re never there.’
She deserved this. ‘I understand how it seems, Mollie. And I’m so sorry for that. But Ben needs me so much.’
Mollie punched the stones with her fists. ‘But I needed you, too!’