Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
Out to sea, a small sailboat was being buffeted by the wind. One way, then the other, its white triangular sail whipped in both directions. On the boat, a small dark figure leaned this way then that in order to keep the little vessel on course. Watching from her seat on the pebble beach, Erica tucked her skirt around her legs and tried to stop herself from crying. This wasn’t about her.
‘I’m so sorry, Mollie. I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you.’
How many hours of safeguarding training had she sat through in her teaching career? Being instructed – mostly by interminable online training – on the warning signs that a child was being coerced online. If she’d been living in the same house as Mollie, wouldn’t she have picked up that something was going on?
‘I never see you anymore. When you do come, you’re checking your phone in case Ben needs you back again. He gets you all the time.’
There was no way to respond to this other than to admit the truth of it. ‘You’re right.’
Agreement made her even angrier. ‘If you know it’s true, why haven’t you done something about it?’
Why, indeed. It’d been too easy to think that Mollie was okay. Better than okay, that she was happy with the arrangement. ‘You could’ve come to stay with me and Ben at weekends, but I thought you didn’t want to leave your friends. I thought you were happy at the house. That it was best for you to stay with Dad.’
Even this wasn’t the entire truth. After the fire, she’d carried the fear that she wasn’t capable of looking after both of them on her own. Love wasn’t enough. Hyper vigilance wasn’t enough. She missed Mollie with an ache that never left, but if that’s what it took to keep her safe, it was a small price to pay.
‘I did want to stay with Dad. But I wanted you to be there, too. It was like you got divorced and didn’t tell me. How was I supposed to choose? That’s just not fair, Mum. It’s not fair.’
The accusation in her voice was painful to hear. In profile, the twins were so alike. Erica hadn’t noticed that recently. They had the same nose, the same delicate chin. Where Ben’s hair was straight, Mollie’s had a gentle wave, made almost curly in the damp salty coastal air. Though she wanted to reach out and brush it away from her face, Mollie’s expression almost dared her to try. ‘I thought I was doing the right thing. I was trying to do the best for everyone. You and your dad have such a good relationship, I thought you were okay without me for a while. It was only supposed to be for a while.’
Three months to get Ben settled, that’s what they’d agreed. But it had been even harder than she’d expected to try him staying overnight without her. Feeling like she was abandoning him; it’d been too easy to keep putting it off. With just the two of them, it had also been easier to construct their life and routine to make life calm for him. Now, seeing Mollie like this, she had to question whether she’d sacrificed one child to appease the other.
‘The thing is, I get it. I understand that Benjamin needs more help than me. But why does it have to be all the time? Why can’t there be times when I get to be the one who gets the attention? It didn’t matter what I did. Getting good results in tests, passing my ballet exams, learning to play the saxophone. It was like, “Yeah, well done, Mollie, but we expected that” and then if Ben did anything like, just trying peas for the first time, the whole family is expected to put on a parade for him.’
Memories fell like acid rain of the times she’d praised the smallest things that Ben could do. Had she not praised Mollie? Had she not been pleased for her? She searched her mind for examples, but couldn’t escape the creeping suspicion that she had taken her daughter’s achievements for granted. Or, worse, had minimised them in the light of Ben’s difficulties. ‘Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.’
Mollie dug her fingers into the pebbles beside her, making them rattle as she clenched and unclenched her fingers. ‘Sometimes I get really angry about it. I feel frustrated and I wish he was okay, you know. Not autistic. But then I look at him and it’s Ben and I love him so much and I feel really horrible for thinking that. So guilty. Like a really terrible sister.’
Erica’s heart felt as if it might tear in two. ‘You don’t need to feel guilty, sweetheart. You don’t need to feel bad about that. It’s normal. I feel it, too.’
Surprise flashed across Mollie’s face. ‘You wish that Ben was different?’
That question had a million answers and none of them would capture the complexity of how she felt. ‘I love Benjamin – I love both of you – with a passion that almost knocks me over. But do I think our lives would be easier if he didn’t have the difficulties he has? Do I think his life would be easier? Yes. But then, like you, I feel terrible about even thinking that.’
Mouth open, Mollie was searching Erica’s eyes, as if to check that she was telling the truth. ‘Do you mean that? You’re not just trying to make me feel better?’
The salty breeze cooled one side of Erica’s face; the other cheek burned with the honesty she needed to share with her daughter. ‘It’s a kind of grief. A loss. A bereavement. Not for Ben – he’s my son and I love him for all that he is. I wouldn’t change him for the world. But when the two of you were babies, I imagined a life for you both and – for Ben – that’s not the way it’s going to be. I grieve for the fact his life will be more difficult. That you and he won’t be going off to college at the same time. That he isn’t going to bring someone home that he loves.’
As her voice cracked, she paused. How honest should she be? Mollie was barely thirteen. She was expecting her to understand complicated emotions that she didn’t fully understand herself.
Mollie’s hand crept across the stones and took Erica’s into it. ‘Oh, Mum. I didn’t know you felt like that. You were always so…positive about it all. I didn’t know you felt sad, too.’
Sad? That didn’t even begin to explain the tides of feeling that’d washed over her, buffeted her, even almost drowned her, over the years. ‘I’m not sad often, sweetheart. You and Ben have brought me so much joy. Before I became your mum, I had no idea how deep that feeling could go. You are my everything, both of you. You’re my beautiful clever girl who can do anything she sets her mind to. Who has a heart big enough for the whole world. I can’t wait to see what you will do and where you will go and I will be here cheering you on until I’m hoarse. Ben’s life is going to be different. His world will be smaller. But he is brave and sweet and he makes me laugh so much. He’s made me more patient and taught me so many things. You both have. But I want you to know, really know, that it’s okay to wish that things were different sometimes. I wanted to make the world easy for both of you and I am so so sorry that I haven’t done that for you.’
The breeze around them had dropped and, for the first time since Mollie had gone missing, Erica felt as if she could breathe. Honesty was hard, but it could set you free.
Gently, Mollie’s hand squeezed hers. ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’
‘Oh, my darling, you have nothing whatsoever to apologise for. I let you down. But I promise I am here and I will do everything I can to make this right.’
She pulled her daughter into her arms and rocked her like a baby, not letting go of her hand this time. She was never going to let her go again.
They’d just wiped away their tears with a tissue from Erica’s handbag when they heard a clatter of stones behind them as Andrew joined them on the beach.
‘There you both are. You gave us a real fright, Mol.’
As he enveloped their daughter in his arms, Erica remembered how it had felt earlier to be encased by his strength and support. She stood and dusted herself down and Andrew released Mollie. He looked about ten pounds lighter than he had on the way down here. He even smiled at her. ‘Shall we go and get a drink in the bar down the road before we head for home?’
It sounded like a perfect idea, but before she could answer, her phone rang in her bag. She knew before she checked the screen that it would be the school.
‘Hi. It’s Helen. We’ve just started our routine to prepare for bed, but Ben is asking for you. We’re very happy to manage this, but you asked us to call if there were any issues at all so we’re letting you know.’
What was the expression that you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child? Right now, it was a tough call which that would be. ‘Thank you. I’m about ninety minutes away at the moment, but can you tell him we’re coming?’
‘Are you sure? We can give it a bit longer if you want to let him try to deal with it?’
She knew that they were being kind but she also knew her son. They should have worked up to this – she should have worked up to this – not just thrown him in at the deep end. ‘No, it’s fine. If you can make sure he has his letters to play with, we’ll take him home to bed.’
Andrew looked at her. ‘We need to get Ben?’
She nodded. ‘He hasn’t settled. It’s too much in one go.’
He held out his hands. ‘I can go and get him. I’ll drop you and Mollie back to ours first?’
Mollie shook her head. ‘It’s okay, we can all go.’
It was a learned response, this effacing of her own needs in favour of her brother’s. How had she never noticed it before? Though this particular beach was full of stones, Erica needed to draw a line in the sand. ‘No. Dad can drop us home. It’ll be too late to go out for dinner by the time we get there, but you and I could order in a pizza from that place you like? You can even get one of those milkshakes which are full of sugar.’
Mollie’s face opened up like a flower in the morning sunshine. ‘Are you sure? I’d love that, Mum.’
It was heartbreaking to realise how precious this tiny thing was to her daughter. Half of Erica wanted to go to Benjamin, but for now, the half of her that belonged to Mollie needed to be with her. No matter how she felt, it was impossible to actually tear herself in two. There was always going to be a choice. There was no escaping that.
Andrew looked from one of them to the other. ‘Okay, then. Let’s be on our way. I’ll drop you back to the station so you can pick up your car, then go straight to the school. I’ll call you when I get to him to let you know everything is okay.’
He was jittery, like a child who’s been entrusted with an errand. Erica forced a smile, tried to convey her confidence in him. ‘Great. I’m sure he’ll be pleased to see you.’
His smile seemed different. Less assured, but…happier? ‘I’m not totally sure about that, but thanks.’
As they walked back from the beach, Mollie slipped her hand into Erica’s and she gave it a squeeze. She had no idea how she was going to rearrange her life to make sure that Mollie never felt like second best again, but she was determined to. They also needed to sort out this issue with the photo and whether the police could stop it being released online, but that could wait until tomorrow.
In the car home, the three of them kept up a constant chatter about Mollie’s saxophone lessons and Andrew’s work and what she and Mollie were going to choose from the pizza menu she’d found online. Keeping the conversation on safe topics meant she didn’t have to think about Ben being upset or how they were going to help Mollie with the fallout from her online blackmail.
It was only after they’d arrived home – and Mollie had gone to get changed into pyjamas while they waited for the pizza – that Erica remembered how Mollie had discovered the details of what had happened in the fire from overhearing Andrew talking to someone on the phone. Why was he talking about the fire after all this time? And who was it that he’d been talking to?