9. Monster
Chapter 9
Monster
A Month Later
The garden smelled like sweet flowers and rotten fruit. I sat on a stone bench with my knees pulled up to my chest. I eyed my bare feet that had raw blisters at the bottom and open cuts on the top. Saturday’s were always peaceful for me and Emi. She’d pick flowers while I thought about all of the what if’s and why’s. I was ten years old and smart enough to know that all of the abuse that I endeared sexually and physically wasn’t right.
I gazed at all the other kids spread throughout the garden some was malnourished, while others held hands and sung in foreign language. Tai talked to most of us in English, the others he talked in his language. He stood a few feet away, leaned up against a pillar wrapped in vines. His shirt was crisp white, and he had on his favorite linen tan pants. Unlike the rest of us, he had shoes to cover his feet.
Our eyes connected, I hated that… my stomach flipped when he stared my way with a wolf smile that stretched his face.
“What’s on your mind, kid?” he asked; his eyes left mine to scan the area.
Like clockwork, his men had eyes on all of us. We worked four or five times out the week. I didn’t have to do half of the disgusting things that I was forced to do since half of Tai’s wealthy clients couldn’t stand the sight of me. I guess me being hideous was a gift from God…to protect me at some point from all the evil this world was swallowed up in.
“Kid?” His question sounded more like a warning.
“Yes?” I looked up, blocking the sun with my trembling hand.
It was hot out today, the kind of heat that made your clothes feel like glue. Tai raised his bushy eyebrows and frowned; he wasn’t going to repeat the question that he knew I already heard. I swallowed my spit and stuttered over my words. Tai was a patient man. But whenever he ran out of patience with us…he’d beat us until we bled out and would need medical attention.
I wanted to ask him a question…a question that usually kept me up all night wondering, why me? I didn’t want to ask. I was scared of Tai’s voice, and the way his eyes hardly blinked when he conversed with us all. My chest hurt with the question. I braced myself for whatever beating I’d get for working at Tai’s nerves.
“Sir?” I said above a whisper. Tai raised his brows again without speaking.
I took in a deep breath then continued.
“Will I…will I ever meet my mom and dad?” My throat burned as my eyelids grew heavy.
I held my breath as my chest constricted. Tai didn’t answer right away, it seemed like the entire garden grew quiet from chatter. He turned his body to face me fully, then tilted his head to the side like I just asked him a stupid question.
“Parents?” His deep voice went low. I nodded my head with a gleam of hope in them.
“Your father sold you to me when you were born. It’s best to rid yourself of that thought. I’m your mom, dad, and owner. You will forever belong to me.” He chuckled dryly and walked away with his hand shoved in his pants pockets.
All hope left my body, something inside of me cracked. I blinked back my tears as fast as I could and wiped them away with the back of my hands as I eyed the dirt beneath me. I wanted to fall to the dirt, kick, scream, and cry my heart out. That wasn’t allowed here, tears got you beat then tortured until you begged for death. My heart cried for the rest of the day. That night when we got sent to our rooms that reminded me of a jail cell, my sweet Emi held me, and wiped my tears as she hummed sweet melodies to me.
“Baby, wake up! Monni!” Natavi called my name, but she sounded far away.
My heartbeat sounded like thunder in my ears, I couldn’t fuckin’ breathe. The room was dark except the light purple halo from the lamp on Natavi’s side of the bed; even that was blurry as I struggled to breathe. My body was soaked from sweat, I kicked my legs and moved my arms wildly. The sheets were tangled around me, feeling like they was chained to me.
“Baby, calm down; sit up.” Natavi nudged me softly.
I took in a deep breath and shuttered.
“I have to return to Thailand—” I clamped my mouth shut.
I became pissed with myself that after being free of Tai…I never doubled back to kill him. I killed lots of people and failed to end him. I didn’t think that he’d come after me. I had a wife, a son, and brothers to protect. I’d lay down and die before I let any of them get harmed because of me. I buried my pain of being rejected at birth. Although the question of why lingered deep down in a space that I tried my best to keep buried in the pits of me.
“Baby, you had a bad dream. What’s triggering these fucked up nightmares is that you don’t sleep, Monni. I’ve been getting more rest than you. It’s like you tend to the baby more than me as an excuse to not sleep. I don’t know what’s?—”
“Natavi.” I cut her off, something I knew she hated for me to do but I had to. She wasn’t hearing me clearly.
“I’m going to get you your medicine, then I want you to try and go back to sleep. If Neosyne wakes back up to be fed, I have him.” She pushed quickly got out of our bed and sluggishly walked toward the bathroom.
I looked over at the bassinet at our son, and my heart slowed down. I stifled a tired yawn and got out of bed to look at my baby boy. I still couldn’t believe that someone like me could produce something so perfect, pure, and full of love. I stood over Neosyne’s bassinet and became emotional. His eyes locked with mine; I bowed my head with so much confliction pumping through me.
How could Jalissa, and Impurity look at me as a baby then decide that I wasn’t good enough for them? Neosyne was one month old, and I couldn’t get enough of him. I felt bad that Natavi was stressed about my sleep and how I hadn’t gotten any good rest since I found out that it was Tai sending people to send messages to me. He had to be too old by now to even be worried about me. Something told me that it was something deeper.
I wouldn’t know until I went and heard it from him or whoever was behind the bullshit. I was too paranoid to sleep for too long, I refused to let anyone catch me vulnerable. So I slept in increments. I busied myself by helping Natavi around the house. I researched post-partum in women and kept a close eye on her to make sure she didn’t over exert herself.
This was new for the both of us, but we made it work. I felt like we was doing a good job. I broke out of my thoughts as Natavi entered the room with my pill bottle. She went to our mini refrigerator and pulled out a water bottle. Once I took the medicine, Natavi got in bed first. I picked Neosyne up and paced the floor back and forth with him for ten minutes until he fell back to sleep.
I got back in bed, laid on my side and stared Natavi in the eyes. I felt pressure in my chest again, only because it was time that I told her a little bit about my past so she could understand why I needed to head back to Thailand immediately.
“I was sold the same day I was born.” I shut my eyes and tried to picture myself as a newborn since I had no pictures of myself as a baby nor a kid.
“Monni—”
“Please… just listen, don’t feel sad for me. You’re now my other half, I have to trust you with this information. It’s not for you to carry any type of sympathy for me at all. This is my burden…not yours. You understand?”
“I do, but baby, I love you…” She lifted her hand and caressed my face.
“I love you more.” I placed my hand on top of hers and rubbed it before removing it.
I didn’t want to be touched right now, I was getting ready to confess some shit that I swore I’d never tell to another soul. My only hope was to not get stuck in a trance that was too hard for me to snap out of. I never told this story out loud, I only thought of it whenever I felt at my lowest.
“I was sold to a man named Tai in Thailand, when I was a newborn for a couple million dollars.” I chuckled dryly then rested my head against the pillow.
“I know how much because he liked to remind us all of that. He groomed kids, sold them as sex slaves, fighters, assassins…the list is long. I started out as a sex slave; my first encounter was at the age of six or seven…to be honest, it could have been younger. After so long my young body went through a numbing phase of not feeling everything.” I paused when I heard Natavi gasp.
Truth is, I didn’t remember my age when the first crucial assault happened. I remember I passed out and that was about it. I wasn’t going to go into detail about who, why, and where. That would be too much for Natavi to hold on to. What I just told her now was probably too much for her to handle, but I had to find a way to move the story on, so I could get her to understand why I had to go back.
“You’d be surprised what the wealthy elite men are into these days. Men and women from all over the world would fly to these foreign countries to prey on trafficked kids. They have sick fantasies; Tai didn’t care about our safety nor our feelings. He was one of the richest men in Thailand. If the price was right…just about anything done or asked of us was a green fuckin’ light,” I gritted out, shutting my eyes again.
I told Natavi as nice as possible not to touch me, my eyes remained shut. I went into detail, making sure to leave out the intimate parts. I didn’t want her to question my manhood. I took in a deep breath and pictured everything as my mind went back to the first time my heart broke as a kid.
Chained by my ankles and wrists, the smell of pho and satay made my stomach growl from hunger. Across from me was Emi. We had been transferred to illegal adult brothels in Thailand, where we were tortured, starved, and brutally hurt, depending on which rich sick American came to visit us. Thailand and Bangkok kept lots of secrets for men that were from all of over the world.
According to Tai, the wealthy man who bought us when we were kids, no longer wanted us because we were no longer adolescents. Tai didn’t appear evil, but he loomed over me and the rest of the kids like a dark unyielding cloud. We were all assets to him, trophies as an extension of his control.
We depended on him, and he loved it down to the things that he was supposed to provide like food, clothes and shelter. If we disobeyed, we slept outside. Most of the people that paid him for entertainment didn’t bat an eye my way. He found a way to make a profit off of me by putting me in training at the age of seven for underground fighting.
Emi came when I turned ten years of age. Her parents had an agreement with Tai. He loaned them money and they didn’t pay up, so in exchange was Emi. She was beautiful and pure when she came. He made back triple of what her parents owed but refused to give her back. I was injured bad by the age of twelve from fighting kids twice my size. With a broken ankle that made me walk with a limp, I knew my time at Tai’s castle was coming to an end.
Tai was the leader over the Kaicho Syndicate; he was their Oyabun. He also was smart and provided the U.S with nuclear weapons, which gave him open assess to other rich Americans. He had his hands tied in everything; he was deemed as unstoppable and untouchable. His words were his command, everyone surrounding him jumped at any demand that left his mouth.
Whenever his profits lowered with anything that he owned, he would get rid of it. He resold me then sold Emi months later when she got pregnant. They placed us in the same room, chained to walls twenty-four seven like animals waiting to be fed or noticed. I blocked it out and forgot most of it. I wondered how I survived it because my insides felt like it was rotten.
“I’m not going to make it much longer, Monni.” Emi’s soft, timid voice stated above a whisper.
“I’m going to figure something out to get us out of here, Emi,” I said with my eyes on her small baby bump.
She was due any day, and in my mind, I was happy but scared all in one. I dreamed of figuring out an escape route for us. I would do whatever it was that I had to do to find her and I shelter. I was ready to be a father to the baby growing in her stomach. Emi and I bonded, shared the same pain of never feeling love. In the darkness of my world, Emi was like my personal angel. She was the definition of grace. I spent countless of nights crying myself to sleep in Emi’s lap, releasing years of pain and rejection.
“Our time is up, Monni. Here.” She tossed me a bobby pin and started to cough violently.
Emi had been sick for months now, coughing uncontrollably. I begged the guards to get her help, they ignored me, and when they got tired of me asking, they would knock me out with the butt of their guns.
“I heard men talking, they plan on burning this place down. They’re not going to free us, Monni. Someone on the outside told and the cops are going to shut this place down, and then…” Emi’s words trailed off as smoke crept into our bunker.
“Free yourself, Monni. I love you—” Emi coughed violently as I yanked at the chains.
I yanked hard, with all my might. The spikes cut deep into my wrists as my heart thumped hard in my chest. I wanted to break freak to save her, this couldn’t be the end for her and I. Chaos erupted and echoed off from down the tunnel. People screamed and banged their chains in hopes of getting someone’s attention. I didn’t hear heavy boots stomping, which told me the guards had already deserted us.
“Emi!” I screamed her name as sweat dripped from my brows.
My chest heaved as I took ragged breaths. Smoke slithered like a predatory fog, curling around my ankles then climbing higher, filling the suffocating small space that we were in.
“The pin, Monni. Use it.” Emi coughed violently.
My fingers trembled as I swallowed down my fear. The smoke started to blind and sting my eyes as desperation took hold of me. This couldn’t be the end. My muscles tensed as I yanked against the chains with raw knuckles. I winced out in pain as the bobby pin clattered to the ground. I couldn’t give up, so I got on my knees to search for it.
I coughed harshly as the smoke thickened with Emi and my safety on the line. I found it just as I started to grow dizzy. I fought against passing out.
I felt the tears slip from the corners of my shut eyes. Natavi called my name but I was too overcome with emotions that I tried to keep buried inside of me.
“Jalissa…my mother came to my rescue. I was so crushed about Emi, my thoughts was still on all the fire fighters running in as I ran out. I wondered if they saved her. Jalissa took me to a house, gave me an empty room until we came back to the states. I wondered why I couldn’t live with her, after all, she was my mom…we were supposed to be reunited…you know, making up for lost time. I took whatever she dished out, although she was cold with it. She reminded me that I was a grown man and had to find a way like she did after I was ripped away from her as a baby. It’s a lot more to that shit, but now I understand why she was never at the apartment she kept me at out here. She was hiding my youngest brother Octavio from me, and all the fucked up shit she did to him. I was—” I choked up trying to rush the last bit of my words out.
“I was full of anger and full of love when I killed my parents, Natavi…You, and then the baby…made me feel so much love…I didn’t bother to get closure from Impurity and Jalissa because there was none to receive. I knew their answers to why they discarded me the way that they did would only make me angrier than I already was.”
“Monni…” Natavi said my name sadly.
I moved my lips but nothing came out. I saw Emi’s face, it was locked into the forefront of my mind. Her questioning eyes always made me freeze up whenever I thought of her. She appeared the same way in my dreams, it wasn’t an angry look, but a ‘why didn’t I do something’ look. I asked myself the same damn thing over and over. Why wasn’t I strong enough to pull her out afterwards? I couldn’t even be happy that I survived and was free. I remembered being pulled away so fast while firemen ran in…Did they save her? Where was she buried? No matter how bad I wanted to rid myself of those questions they always came back.
I questioned God so many times and not just with that particular situation. I wondered why did he allow for me to go through so much fucked up shit during my entire childhood then expect me to live happy and normal in my adulthood.
“Please, don’t touch me right now.” I choked out the words.
That was another thing that plagued my mental. Inappropriate touching, muthafuckas violating my young body over and over with no remorse. I remember the grunts and moans of satisfaction and pleasure reeking from them as they took what they wanted from me. The control that they held over me. I remembered ever fuckin’ second like it was tattooed to the back of my skull. It was a feeling that would never leave me, it’s why I walked around hollow inside for years. I hated that I couldn’t track down every last one and kill them with my bare hands.
I snatched my pillow from underneath my head and buried my face in it. I didn’t have enough time because my emotions weren’t patient. I sobbed into the pillow, attempting to release the horror and pain that clawed throughout my insides. I felt dirty, tainted, never to recover from none of the things that I sometimes thought I was free of.
My chest heaved like I was being dragged under water. My ribs started to ache from the pressure of holding everything in for too long. I was so enraged when I finally got the moment to kill Jalissa and Impurity that I couldn’t find it in me to ask them why? I look at my son and could never imagine having one evil negative thought toward him. So why the fuck did they have that toward me? I felt myself spiraling to no return until I felt her….
Natavi’s arm slid underneath and around me slow and carefully. I appreciated her silence in the moment but still couldn’t bring myself to look at her. With all of the breath and might locked inside of her, she brought me close then laid her head against the back of my head. Her warmth sunk into the cold parts of me as her hot tears dampened the waves in my head.
“I’m here.” She whispered over and over to me. It sounded like a prayer that I never knew I needed.
“I’ll never leave you or do you wrong, Monni.” She caressed my back softly.
I cried harder because I believed her, yet I still felt like I didn’t deserve the security of having her forever. I didn’t deserve love, or safety, or to even feel whole. I kicked those negative thoughts and replaced them with ‘I do’ deserve it, that was the sick and twisted side of me trying to take the new life that took years to get to. Natavi was here…my baby was here…I had brothers. An actual family, with people that truly loved me.
I had to trust Natavi and my brothers more, while I let them all in…I still kept my guard up high. For the first time in a long time…I let loose of all the control I possessed and fell apart in her arms as she rocked me gently, confessing all the love that I knew she had.