10. Natavi
Chapter 10
Natavi
I drove in silence to Angel’s house with guilt riding me hard. I needed this car ride to myself, to be alone for self-reflection and my own thoughts that was starting to get the best of me. My entire pregnancy, I considered my own feelings and put myself first. I tended to Monni but not in the same way he tended to me.
Most men would have walked away from how bad my attitude and mood changes got. Deep down, I knew that he wasn’t cheating, but at the same time, my own insecurities led me to believe that he was. Monni showed me from the very beginning that he was in good control over himself. He would eat my pussy for weeks without fucking me. Now my mind was wondering if I went too far the days that I pressed him for sex.
I felt so fucked up for accusing him of cheating since he didn’t want to have sex all of the time with me. I realize now that it was super childish of me. Although his sex was always good and it made me feel like I was on a cloud of my own…I didn’t stop to think when Monni took his breaks from sex because of his past traumas. I had to make it up to him and do better. My man deserved a woman that could make him feel so good about himself that the past wouldn’t eat at him as much. I couldn’t erase what happened to him, and I knew I would have to fight tooth and nail to get him to some form of therapy.
The least I could do was continue to be there and not be someone stressing him the hell out. Especially for the little things that I constantly complained about.
He didn’t flat out say who he was raped and taken advantage by. It didn’t matter to me if it was a man or a woman, being a kid and being hurt in that manner was fuckin’ awful. It made me furious as hell, it also made me understand why he was so closed off and hard to trust others. He tried to rid himself of all of those painful memories, which in return made him uphold a stone wall.
At times he was very closed off, moody, and quiet. I wondered if he was thinking about his past now when he went silent. For the past three days after he broke down in my arms from confessing his past, he tended to our son, Neosyne. Monni helped with cleaning since he told our house maid that we no longer needed her services. We sat together and ate as a family, he held me at night until I fell asleep in his arms and that was it.
All of it seemed normal, yet, I had this overwhelming feeling taking over me. Even as I navigated my car to Angel’s house, I noted his security detail three cars behind me. Monni was going to Thailand, there was nothing that I could do to stop him from going either. I couldn’t lose my man, it would kill me if he went out there and something happened to him. I knew me going with him was out of the question.
This morning, he mentioned me going to stay with either Angel, Octavio, or Detavio. Today he had a meeting with his brothers to let them know what he planned on doing alone. I wanted to protest, he didn’t need to go by himself at all. How the fuck would I know if he was safe and returning back to me and Neosyne? He kept our son glued to him; like today, he took him with him to meet with the men.
I started to think about how much my Monni changed since the very beginning. He thought he was ugly inside out, and was surprised that I even wanted to be seen outside with him in public. That alone broke my heart… right then and there, I knew that I wanted to heal him. At the time I was broken myself; at first, I only cared about the payment I’d receive for being there with him. Until I realized that he was my soulmate…I knew that I would heal Monni, and in return… he’d do the same for me.
“Go to your room and empty your suitcase,” he stated in an annoyed tone.
“Why?” I asked.
“Just do it!” His words slammed into the air, carried by a venomous edge that made me flinch hard.
“Talk too fuckin’ much!” He bellowed.
The fury in his tone curled around me like a noose tightening around my neck. His eyes were cold and burned with hate. My heart raced, each beat hammered against my chest.
“Now!” I jumped again with tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
Monster was hot and cold; he didn’t talk much, and whenever he had to talk to me, he sounded annoyed with each word that left his mouth. The only time that I felt comfortable and confident was when he munched on my pussy. He ate it like he was in love with me, and that’s what confused me and made me nervous all in one breath.
He touched my body like he studied it and knew all my sensitive spots and what sent me over the edge like a map. I quickly went into my room that felt far away all of a sudden and went straight to my suitcase to empty out all of my clothes onto my very uncomfortable bed. The bed felt like I was laying on bricks. I didn’t bother to put any of my personal items in the dresser that was attached to a mirror because I was too scared of all the spider webs surrounding it.
When I walked out of the room with my suitcase, Monster was now standing on the side of my door with a black hoodie on. Saying nothing, his cold hand wrapped around my wrist as he led the way to whatever destination he was taking me to. His grip was firm as he pulled me through the hallway. Each step felt deliberate and cold, like this was the end of me.
I stumbled as I struggled to keep up with his pace from all the long and fast strides that he took. We made it to the back of his house. I coughed from all the dust. He let my wrist go and used his shoulder to push with force against a wooden door that gave in after a couple of pushes.
The door creaked open; I swallowed down hard as he stepped in. He roughly flicked on the light. Even with the dim light, the staircase descended into darkness.
“I don’t want to go down there, Monster. Sorry if I offended you in the kitchen. I just wanted to talk about my payment then offer to take you out to breakfast. If you would allow that, it’s what I wanted to do from the heart. I also wanted to do some shopping for your house.” I started to ramble on nervously as the coldness from the staircase got to me.
Monster’s shoulders visibly relaxed as his thick brows bunched up in confusion.
“You want to take me out to eat?” He scratched the top of his head.
“Ye-yeah, I do. I wanted to get out the house. Instead of me cooking, I figured we’d go out; that way, I can enjoy being out of the house.”
“I’m not holding you hostage, Natavi. You can leave during the day, you’re just here to please me sexually.” He talked a little softer, which made me feel a little more comfortable with expressing myself.
How am I pleasing him sexually when all he does every night is eat my pussy? I asked myself, more curious on to why he was only giving me head every night.
“I don’t have nothing else to do, this is what I do for work. So, I wanted you to go with me as company.” I smiled weakly.
“You want me…” He pointed at his chest cruelly.
“You want to be seen with me out in public?” His top lip curled in disgust.
My eyes dropped down to the worn wooden floor as my confidence faltered under his hard glare.
“I know, you probably don’t want anyone thinking that I’m your girlfriend. We are just associates; you don’t have to hold my hand and I won’t try any display of public affection ? —”
“I’m ugly as fuck, what the fuck wrong with you?” He asked me like he was offended.
“People see me and already know my government name without asking…Monster! Muthafuckas too scared to look at me, so why the fuck do you want to be seen with me?” He squinted his deep-set eyes at me in high suspicion.
“You’re not ugly at all, your scars don’t define you.” I simpered.
I took a step close, and he backed up as if I was a disease that he was afraid to catch.
“These scars and burnt marks!!” He shouted.
Monster gestured to the scars that marred his skin, thick and ragged lines that snaked across his face and neck like a map of pain. A painful lump rose to the top of my throat that was almost impossible for me to swallow down. It felt like he was telepathing his years of pain, and it was now begging to come out of him.
“These scars aren’t just marks. They’re me. This is who I’ve become over the years. Ugly inside and out.” His fists clenched at his sides.
My eyes traced up the veins that bulged out of his arms. Monster’s body shook with the weight of emotions too heavy to hold but, somehow, he maintained with uneven breaths that escaped his thick lips.
“I break people because I’m already broken. I don’t need you to convince or feel sorry either. I see myself in that fucked up mirror down the hallway every day.” His deep rugged voice cracked before he quickly cleared his throat.
The scars on Monster’s entire body told a painful deep story. I wanted him to open up to me and talk about it. Right now, I wanted to embrace him and heal him at the same time. Everybody deserved to feel loved, and Monster probably went through life feeling rejected.
I took a step forward; this time, he didn’t move. I reached out with confidence and grabbed his right hand. Once I stepped into his space, I took in a deep breath, inhaling his scent of Shea butter with hints of soap.
“You’re not ugly—” I paused, not wanting to even refer to him as Monster, although that was the name he gave me.
“Monni…you can call me, Monni.” He looked at me for a brief second then looked away.
“Okay, Monni. I don’t think that you’re ugly. You may have some ugly ways, but I’m attracted to you. You can always fix what’s on the inside of you. I think that you have spent years convincing yourself of being ugly, now you actually believe it. Only you can change that, but I can reassure you that you’re not ugly at all. You fine as hell, actually. You’re chocolate, tall, with a damn beard for God’s sake. You walk with a limp ? —”
“The fuck does that mean?” His face contorted, then what shocked me was a small smile broke through.
“It means, I know you got a big dick, and I want to feel it…whenever you’re ready. Besides our agreement, I want to be your friend even after our time is up.” I brought his hand up until it reached my lips.
I didn’t want to mess up a great moment between him and I so I simply kissed the back of his hand.
“Come on, Tavi. Time to get paid.” He smirked.
Monni grabbed my hand and led me down the steps. The faint smell of dampness and dust hung in the air mixed with the smell of heavy chemicals. I could hear the faint echo of our footsteps on the wooden stairs as silenced pressed around us. Soon as we reached the bottom, Monni pulled on a white string. The lights flickered on, revealing a sight that made me want to collapse, a sight I had never witnessed in my life.
His underground basement stretched farther then I could see; it looked bigger than upstairs. It wasn’t the space that held me captive, it was all the stacks of cash that had stolen my breath away. Piles of cash, stacked from the floor to the ceiling. Some bundles were neatly wrapped, others spilled over in chaotic heaps. The room smelled of ink and paper.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from all of the money before me. I never in my life saw some shit like this with my own two eyes.
“Monni, I ? —”
“You left your suitcase at the top of the staircase. I want you to fill it up. When we go out to eat, we can go furniture shopping. You can buy a large suitcase then fill that up too with more money. Only under one condition.” He turned toward me.
“Wha-what’s the condition?” I asked hesitantly.
“Stop selling yourself. There are people around the world being forced to do what you’re doing. You beautiful, too beautiful to be at the hands of any man who has a dollar. The money you take from down here will be enough to start over.” He tucked his hand into his sweats and looked around the money filled space surrounding us.
“Oh, Monni!” I choked up.
I tried to hold back my floodgates and all of the emotions rushing through me, but it was hard.
“M-my ex, well, I guess you can call him my pimp. He can’t know about this, he’d want a cut. While I’m here with you…I can look for an apartment…better yet, I can go stay with my best friend. I’ll feel more safe. Maybe I can ? —”
“Relax, Natavi. No one has to know about all the money that you are getting from me. If you tell anyone where the fuck I live, I’ll ? —”
“Break me or kill me, I’m not stupid, Monni, and you don’t have to ruin my moment! This is a life changing moment for me. Your grumpy ass will not ruin it.” I giggled but was serious.
Monni could stand there looking all mean and handsome, but he no longer scared me. What he had was a hard exterior but inside was made out of gold. He had to have a heart to want me out of the current lifestyle that I was in. Maybe he went through something similar but by force in his past…that’s why he—he wants me to stop selling myself! I choked up, and dropped my head, seconds later I looked into Monni’s eyes with tears falling down my cheeks.
“Tavi?” He raised a brow and looked at me amused.
“First you laugh, now you are crying. Something is off about you.” He shook his head at me.
“Can I… Can I please hug you?” I asked him with a gentle voice that held an unspoken plea; he needed it as bad as I did.
It was more of a request than a demand. I didn’t understand the weight of his soul but I could feel his pain. He stared at me with uncertainty. I let long seconds go by, unafraid of the space between us now. I understood that this was probably something foreign to him, and he was mentally battling with himself right now. I wasn’t going to force myself on him. Today was probably a big step for him, he talked more than he talked to me the entire week of me being here with him.
“I don’t know how, I want to,” he stated hesitantly.
“Can I show you?” I wiped my wet face and took small steps toward him.
He nodded his head yes, just as I closed the space between us. Slowly, his hands moved, tentatively and awkwardly as they reached out to me. His arms encircled me just as my arms tried to close around him. I managed to clasp my hands behind his back. My chest pressed against his chest as warmth flooded through me. I held onto him tightly, he released a breath and tucked his nose and mouth into the nook of my neck.
I released my hands and stroked up and down his muscular back in a soothing motion. Hopefully, this moment would make him feel good about himself.
“Sometimes, healing begins with just being held, Monni.”