Chapter Twenty-Eight
Twenty-Eight
Jack
When Abby walks out the front door, I feel the remaining thread of my control fray and snap into nothing.
I sink down to the floor of the apartment, my eyes welling with tears that start to flow easily, tracking down my cheeks and even dripping off the end of my nose.
I feel like a fucking baby sitting here crying about my rotten luck, but I think, more than that, I feel like a fucking ass for taking it all out on Abby.
I know deep down she was right to walk out on me; she was right when she said that none of what’s happened was her fault, so why the hell did I lash out at her?
The only answer I can come up with is that I’m just so goddamn tired.
Tired of hearing what I should be doing.
Tired of being told what’s best for me. I’m sick and tired of not having any real say over my own damned life.
And because Abby was the only one here, she was forced to take on the brunt of my breakdown, which I know isn’t fair to her at all.
I push myself to my feet and stumble into my bedroom in search of my pills, feeling that familiar panic rising inside me as I think about the idea of her not coming back.
Just over an hour ago, I’d been ready to spill my guts about how I feel about her, and now I’ve gone and chased her off by being an absolute ass.
I pop one of the pills and let myself fall onto my bed, shutting my eyes tight against the onslaught of emotions that crash over me like a wave.
It’s true what I said to her—that I feel like I’m nothing if I can’t play—but telling her that I had nothing?
Even I’m not stupid enough to think that’s true.
Not really. I just let my own fears project themselves onto her.
Just like the idiot I’ve always thought I am.
I close my eyes as I wait for the pill to kick in, willing my racing heart to steady, begging my wet eyes to go dry.
The last thing I think before I pass out is that I probably should have run after her.
It’s disorienting when I wake the next morning, realizing I’ve slept the afternoon and the rest of the night away. I slowly push up from the bed with a twinge in my arm when it braces against the mattress, and it’s that twinge that seems to bring it all back. The doctor. The fight. Abby.
I roll to grab my phone from the nightstand where I’d chucked it yesterday, only to find it dead.
Great. I drop my head in my hands, cursing myself all over again for all the things I said to Abby yesterday.
I know the smart course of action would be to go find her and beg for her forgiveness, but how can I do that when she’s most likely at my sister’s place?
It’s not like we made anything official yet.
Chances are, I’d just upset her more by outing us like that.
So I plug my phone into the charger, telling myself I’ll text her when it comes back on, as pathetic of an attempt at forgiveness as that seems.
I shuffle out of bed with every intention of forcing food into my face before I make a game plan for how to fix my fuckup, so a sharp knocking at my door the second I reach the end of my hallway disorients me a little.
I stare at the door as the banging starts up again, my heart racing a little, because could it be her?
I rush to the door and wrench it open, my disappointment no doubt showing on my face when I see that it’s just Dee. “Oh,” I say, slightly dejected. “Hey.”
“Don’t look so happy to see me,” she says snarkily.
She pushes past me without even asking to come in, her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pursed in a frown as she watches me close the door behind her.
“I want you to tell me what you did,” she says as soon as it’s shut.
My brows raise. “I’m sorry?”
“Abby. She showed up at our place last night looking like she got the shit kicked out of her emotionally. She refuses to tell us what happened, but I know you know.”
“And you just assume I had something to do with it?”
It’s a knee-jerk reaction, getting defensive, especially considering I had everything to do with it. I turn away from her, heading to the kitchen so she can’t see the look of guilt written all over my face.
“Cut the shit, Jack,” Dee huffs. “I know there’s something going on between you two.”
I stumble a little, grasping the countertop and turning back to her with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, come on.” She rolls her eyes. “Anyone with eyes can see that something happened between you. The way she ran after you at Aunt Bea’s? She never would have done that before. Not to mention the way she low-key told me off for calling you an idiot when she went to that last game with us.”
Hope flutters in my chest. “She did that?”
“The look on your face tells me that I’m right, so spill.”
“It’s not my business to tell you that,” I say firmly. “It’s Abby’s.”
“Holy shit,” Dee says, her mouth parting in surprise. “This is more than a sex thing, isn’t it. You like her.”
I scrub a hand down my face. “Dee…”
“Oh God. Wait till Ian hears about this. He’s going to lose his ever-loving mind. After all the shit you gave us? You really went and—”
“Dee.”
Her gaze snaps up to find mine. “What?”
“You can’t say anything to Ian.”
“I tell Ian everything,” she says defensively.
“Well, you can’t tell him this. It’s Abby’s decision when she tells him. When she tells anyone, for that matter.”
“Wow.” Dee looks slightly floored. “You really like her.”
I scowl as I lean against the counter. It’s an understatement, really, but it’s not like I can go blurting out my feelings for Abby to my sister when Abby hasn’t even heard them yet.
“I don’t know if it matters,” I answer forlornly. “I fucked everything up.”
“What happened?”
I stalk across the room to plop down on the couch beside her, leaning my head against the back of it as I let out a sigh. “I was a real ass to her last night.”
“I mean, I gathered that much with the way she showed up looking like she wanted to cry.”
My chest squeezes at the thought of making Abby cry. I swallow thickly around the lump in my throat, sort of wanting another one of my pills with the way my chest starts to feel too tight. But that’s not something I want Dee knowing about.
“I had another doctor’s appointment yesterday,” I tell her.
Dee nods. “I knew that. So?”
“I asked Abby to go with me.”
Her brows lift. “That’s…How serious are you two?”
“Doesn’t matter,” I say with a shake of my head. “The point is, she was there when I got more bad news.”
“What bad news?”
So I tell her everything—from the doctor’s confirmation of my diagnosis to his encouragement to do the exact same thing everyone else has been saying I should—and Dee listens quietly through all of it. Even the parts where I tell her all the horrible things I said to Abby when we got back home.
“I just can’t believe I made her feel like she doesn’t mean anything,” I say woefully. “I was just so angry and scared. I wasn’t even thinking about what was coming out of my mouth. The things I said…I know they had to hit her hard. Especially with everything she’s been through.”
“Did you apologize?”
“I tried to…She wouldn’t hear it. I think I really fucked up this time, Dee.”
Dee looks at me thoughtfully, considering everything I’ve said. “And did you really mean those things you said to her?”
“Of course I didn’t—”
“I mean all the stuff you said about not mattering without hockey. Do you really think that you have no worth outside of it? Because that’s bullshit, Jack.”
My lips press together in a frown, and I duck my head to my chest, unable to look at her.
“And if I did? I mean, it’s not like I have a lot going for me outside of it.
I’m not like you and Ian. I don’t have this little family unit you’ve made.
My mom doesn’t own a hockey team, I don’t have my own show, I don’t have anything to fall back on if this goes tits up. ”
“It’s not like you haven’t made good money over the years. You wouldn’t hurt for it.”
“It’s not so much about the money…”
“Then what is it about?”
“Do you remember when I used to play back in school?”
“I mean…mostly? I was kind of young when you started, but I remember going to all your high school games.”
“You and Bea would get so excited every time you came out. You’d get so happy when I won.
It made me feel like…like I was doing something important.
Ever since Mom and Dad died…I spent a lot of time feeling untethered.
Like I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with my life.
Hockey is the first thing that just made sense to me, and it felt like it brought us all a little closer together after we lost them.
I liked that feeling. I liked feeling like I was making you and Bea happy, after everything.
I guess…I guess I never really let go of that. ”
“Oh, Jack,” Dee says softly. “You know it’s never been your responsibility to take care of me and Bea, right? You were just a kid too.”
“I mean, maybe deep down I know that, but it was so hard. You were so fucking little, Dee. You didn’t understand what had happened, and every time you asked me about them I just…
I never knew what to say to you. So I would joke or do something silly to make you laugh.
Something to make it seem like I wasn’t hurting all the time.
It just seemed easier that way. Over the years… it just kind of became who I am.”
“But you don’t have to be just that guy, Jack, you know that, right? In fact, I know you aren’t. You’re a lot more than hockey and good times.”
I scoff. “Yeah? What am I then?”
“You’re my big brother, to start with,” she says seriously.
“And yeah, you’ve always been there to make me laugh, but you’re also the guy who taught himself how to French braid when I said I wanted my hair that way.
You’re the guy that drove me to prom. You’re the guy that threatened to beat up Tommy Dalton when you caught us kissing in my room. ”
“What’s your point?”