Chapter Twenty-Eight #2
“My point is…I think for a long time you were more of a parent to me than ours ever got to be. You let yourself fall into that role—and don’t get me wrong, I’m so fucking grateful for you—but I think it messed with your head.
I think now that we’re grown up…you feel like hockey is all you have because I don’t need you that way anymore.
” She reaches to squeeze my knee. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t need you. ”
I consider what she’s saying, trying to reconcile her words with the way I’m feeling. I have felt for a long time since Dee grew up that there was something missing in my life, but I’ve put that energy into the one thing I was still good at. The one thing that I might lose now.
“Maybe it did feel a little like I lost you there for a while. I mean, everything that happened with you and Ian…It kind of killed me that you didn’t come to me and tell me about it first. We used to tell each other everything.”
“Should I call you the pot or the kettle in this situation?”
“That’s different,” I argue. “I had to consider Abby’s feelings.”
“And you didn’t think I had Ian’s feelings to consider too? Everything was so new, and I was so fucking scared, Jack. I was scared that all of it was going to blow up in my face at any second. It’s terrifying falling in love, let me tell you.”
My heart gives a heavy thump beneath my ribs, her words echoing in my head.
It’s terrifying falling in love.
I stare down at my knees as my lips part in surprise, my eyes widening as the thought settles deep down inside me. Because sure, I’ve known for a little while that I’ve been developing feelings for Abby—but am I in love with her?
Dee pats my back. “Seems you might know a thing or two about what I’m saying.”
“I can’t,” I manage. “It’s too soon.”
“That’s the funny thing about love. It doesn’t really work on anyone’s schedule. It kicks the door open and makes itself at home, whether you like it or not.”
“I don’t know if it would even matter,” I mutter. “It’s not like she could ever feel the same about me.”
“And why not?”
“I mean, look at me,” I scoff. “I’m about to be a nobody. Just some washed-up has-been. She’s just about to start her life, and mine’s practically over.”
“Do you think maybe you said those things to Abby last night because you’re afraid?”
“Afraid?”
“If you really think that—that your life is practically over—do you think there’s a possibility that you inadvertently pushed her away because you think you don’t deserve her?”
I make a face. “Abby is supposed to be the shrink in this family.”
“Call it a woman’s intuition.”
“I…” I scrub a hand down my face. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Well, if that were the case,” Dee says, “I would have to inform you that you really might be a bit of an idiot.”
“Way to kick me when I’m down.”
“I just mean…Fuck, Jack. You’re silly and you drive me bonkers sometimes, but you’re also the best man I know.”
“Besides Ian, you mean,” I grumble.
Dee laughs. “It’s very close. You’re the guy that’s always thinking about how to make someone else happy. The guy that would drop anything at a moment’s notice if I said I needed him. You’re a good guy, despite the front you like to put on. Anyone would be lucky to have you, hockey or no.”
“But the things I said to her…”
“You apologize. You grovel, if you have to, but you make sure she knows you didn’t mean it.”
“And what if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”
“Do you care about her?”
Apparently it’s a lot more than just caring about her, I think idly.
“Yes,” I say instead.
“Then you’ll figure it out,” Dee says, patting my shoulder. “Despite the way you act sometimes, you’re a smart guy.”
“Smart isn’t the go-to adjective most people would use for me,” I snort.
She gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Maybe we should use it more. Because regardless of anything I’ve ever said to you…you are not actually an idiot. You just act like one sometimes.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“What are sisters for?”
I sigh, running my fingers through my hair. “I’m not just going to be able to play the orphan card for this one, am I.”
“I don’t think that ever really works like you think it does.”
“I’ve had many successes with it.”
“I am certain I don’t want to hear about them,” Dee laughs.
I turn to look at her, the knot in my chest unraveling a little. “I’ve missed you, you know.”
“I know,” she answers softly. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately.”
“It actually terrifies me sometimes, how close you two have gotten,” I admit. “You’re like your own family now.”
Dee throws her arm around my shoulders, pulling me into her as she presses a kiss to my temple. “But that will never mean that you aren’t part of it. You’ll always be our family too.”
I close my eyes as they start to sting, all the worry and insecurity I’ve never let myself actually feel bubbling to the surface to wash over me all at once.
“Ian is going to kill me when he finds out about all of this,” I sigh.
Dee chuckles as she leaves another kiss at my hair, pulling back to look at me. “Kill you? Doubt it. Bug the ever-loving shit out of you? Highly likely. I mean, you kind of deserve it.”
“You don’t think he’s going to murder me when he finds out how badly I hurt her?”
“He won’t have the chance if you hurry up and fix things. You know how Abby is…She keeps things pretty close to the vest.”
“I just…I want to be someone she deserves.”
“You already are,” Dee urges. “You just have to believe it.”
“I still have no idea what to do about everything else,” I admit. “Everything feels like such a mess right now.”
“Well, I want to apologize for the way I’ve been pushing you so much about the hockey stuff. I shouldn’t have.”
“I know you were just trying to help.”
“Do you know when I realized something was going on with you and Abby?”
I shake my head.
“Just before she went after you at Bea’s…We were still discussing you. Still asserting that we knew what was best for you, and Abby…It’s like she’d had enough. She threw down her napkin and stood up from her chair, and do you know what she said?”
“What?”
“She said, ‘It’s Jack’s life. He should be the only one making these decisions.’ ”
“She said that?”
Dee nods. “Made us shut up really quickly. I guess none of us were really thinking about what you wanted. We were thinking about what we thought you needed. But not Abby. Seems she’s been thinking about you a lot more than we have. I’m really sorry about that.”
“Don’t be,” I say thickly. “I know you meant well.”
“Still.” Dee crosses her arms over her chest, suddenly looking stern. “So what are you going to do to fix all this?”
I consider that for several moments, a sudden clarity washing over me, and I’m feeling better about it all than I have since I first found out about it. A soft smile touches my mouth, and I nod to myself, coming to a decision.
“First, I’m going to talk to Coach.”
“Okay, and?”
“And then I’m going to go tell Abby I’m in love with her.”
Dee pretends to wipe her eyes. “My little baby is all grown-up and making adult decisions.”
“Shut up,” I grouse.
“I believe in you,” she says seriously. She gives my shoulder a mock punch, beaming. “Now go fix your shit.”
I grin back at her, feeling, for the first time, like maybe I actually can.