Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Paige
Three days and no sign of Aaron.
Part of me is grateful that he didn’t try to argue with me when I told him I needed space. Grateful that he’s willing to just let me be as I try to mother my son. Grateful that he understood I was serious when I said I wanted this to be casual.
The other part of me? That part feels excruciatingly lonely, even when I happen to be surrounded by people who love me.
The pain isn’t just emotional, as I thought it would be. It has steadily crept into my bones, my muscles. Deep beneath the surface, all these feelings have roared to life.
This is the reason why I spent the last two years not dating. Because now, I’m having a hard time focusing on Noah.
Noah, the little boy who desperately wants a dad.
“Don’t you think you could give him a chance?”
The question startles me out of my reverie, reminding me that I have other responsibilities.
I haven’t seen Levi in a while, though we talked after Aaron and I broke up—if you can call it that. He won’t reveal what he already knows, but I suspect it’s too much.
Levi invited Noah and me to the station today for the Saturday cookout. When the weather is nice and the guys aren’t too busy, they use the small outdoor seating area, where they grill up chicken, hot dogs, and burgers.
Today is Aaron’s day off, and he said he was too busy to come to the cookout. I suspect that Levi asked him not to come so that he could invite me. He’s been on a silent campaign for me to resume my new dating life.
“This has nothing to do with Aaron,” I insist.
I don’t really want to have this conversation with a crowd of people who know both of us, but I guess there’s no other time to discuss it.
Levi arches an eyebrow at me. “If it has nothing to do with Aaron, then it has to do with you.”
“Of course, it has to do with me.”
“Well, we can fix you,” he laughs. “I could come up with a list of things we could fix about you: your cooking, your time management, your attachment to those puppies at the shelter. Did I mention your cooking?”
“I resent the fact that you think I need fixing.” Mock outrage colors my voice.
The only person who could insinuate that I needed fixing is Levi—and only if he’s going to use this teasing, lighthearted tone that I get to see far too infrequently.
“Listen, you love the firehouse,” he says, sweeping an arm to indicate the others, who are all inhaling their meal. “Aaron is part of it now. Can’t you just trust that we know what kind of person he is?”
Exasperated, I narrow my eyes at him and refuse to give in to this idea that I’m the reason we can’t be together.
“You don’t know what happened.” Blood rushes in my ears at the idea that I’m soon going to have to explain what I was thinking.
“Enlighten me.” His words hold a hint of every challenge he’s ever issued to me.
“Noah was getting too attached, okay?”
Levi watches him toddle around the picnic tables on the lawn. He giggles and smiles at everyone who looks down at him, the very picture of a well-adjusted, happy, healthy child.
The silence stretches between us like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Levi would always give me his undivided loyalty, especially after everything that happened after our father died. But he also has some loyalty to his new captain.
“He seems to be doing okay to me,” he offers after a while.
“Maybe because I did what no one else wanted to admit was the right thing.” Even as I say it, a tiny voice in the back of my mind nags me with the question: Was it the right thing?
“I’m just saying that it’s okay for you to be happy. Noah, too.” Levi stands from the picnic table to grab dessert. He places a warm, heavy hand on my shoulder as he stands. “You deserve it.”
Noah finds his way back to me, as if he knows that I’m ready to leave this shindig early.
Ordinarily, I would hang out for a little while and enjoy the company.
Ordinarily, Summer would be here, too. We would spend the night gossiping with the firefighters. We would spend tonight talking about Aaron. I have no doubts about that.
I miss my best friend, but she’ll be home soon enough.
Until then, Noah and I pack up our things. We pick up empty containers of the store-bought pasta salad I brought. I always put it in new Tupperware so that it looks like I made it from scratch.
We get into the car, buckle up, and drive home with only gentle music playing on the stereo. When we arrive, my heart leaps into my throat at the sight of a shadow on the porch.
I hope against all reason that it is Aaron.
Disappointment floods me when I realize it’s nothing more than the shadow of the rocking chair. What does it say about me that I’m still hoping for him to show up, to prove me wrong?
I choose not to think about it.
* * *
Aaron
I’ve devised a thousand plans to convince Paige that I am serious boyfriend material. Some are elaborate: late nights in the rain with a boombox and a song that I wrote just for her. Some are simple: showing up every day with her favorite flowers until she agrees to a date.
My instincts tell me that none of them is right.
This isn’t about proving that I could be someone new for her. I feel it deep in my gut that this is about whatever hang-up she has. The one that makes her remind me that this is casual over and over again.
Even when it’s clear this is anything but.
I stand in the middle of the florist, holding a small bouquet of purple and blue wildflowers. The kind of flowers that grow wild in the field after the worst has happened. They grow out of scorched earth, fire, and pain.
Just like Paige.
“Would you like me to bundle those up for you?” the sweet old lady at the counter asks with a gummy smile. She’s already reaching for the bouquet when I turn and place it back in the cooler.
“No, I think I need more than flowers.” A sigh escapes me. It feels like it perpetually lives on my lips these days.
“You know, flowers are beautiful,” she muses. “I’m probably biased, but there’s nothing like a gift that speaks to you.”
I don’t say anything, but I don’t move either.
“But my husband never bought flowers when we had a fight, no siree. He knew that flowers had their own language, but he bought other things. Meaningful things.”
“What did he get you?” I ask, my curiosity growing. I turn toward her just in time to see a wistful smile spread slowly across her face.
“Depended on why we were fighting,” she laughs. “At first, it was the usual jewelry and nights out. But he got better the older we got. He once gave me a scrapbook of photos he took of us together.”
Too bad I don’t have any tangible memories of Paige.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say with a smile. Then, I decide that the flowers won’t hurt. “And I think I’ll take that bouquet, after all.”
I walk out, flowers in hand as the wheels in my mind turn. There has to be something that Paige would accept, something that would make her see reason. And then it hits me: Noah’s school performance.
She doesn’t even know that I know about it.
And I did promise to be there for Noah, no matter what goes on between his mother and me. Every kid needs someone to show up, and I’m determined to be that person.
The fire station is quieter than usual. Still, there are a few guys hanging around the kitchen when I show up and start hunting for a vase. A dusty glass will have to suffice.
“Are those from your secret admirer?” Samson laughs.
“Something like that,” I mumble, not sure how to say that the flowers are actually a gift from me.
“Paige must really like you if she’s sending you flowers.” The bouquet looks large in the center of such a small kitchen.
“Not from Paige,” I clarify, before walking out to avoid more questions.
“Aaron’s keeping his options open,” I hear someone say as I walk away. They mean it as a joke, but it stings all the same.
I don’t want to have any options. I don’t want a secret admirer or flowers. I don’t want anyone except Paige. And Noah.
“Ignore them.” Levi sits in the living room when I walk in, a book in his hands. “They wouldn’t know a serious relationship from a hole in the ground.”
I nod and sit beside him stiffly. It beats sitting by myself and hoping that the guys don’t rib me for it.
He closes the worn paperback, sets it beside him, and looks me in the eye. “You haven’t been sleeping. You look like a raccoon.”
“Gee, thanks. Haven’t had time today to apply my concealer.”
“I’m just saying that you have to take care of yourself. You still have a duty to this station. Do you have the energy to fight a raging fire? I’m thinking about this as superintendent, not just Paige’s brother.”
“You don’t have to worry about it,” I grumble.
“Make sure that I don’t. Why don’t you go ahead and hit the cots for a little while? Paige isn’t going to show up here, and you can’t leave. Might as well rest.”
He’s not entirely wrong. I’ve been up all night at home so that I’m available if Paige texts me. If she changes her mind.
But here?
Here, I know that I can’t leave the station regardless of what she says or needs. The guys are always around so that I don’t have to lie in bed in complete silence, counting the seconds.
Maybe I could sleep here.
I tuck myself into the hard bed, pull the covers up, and roll onto my side. Someone walks into the room, but I ignore the footsteps and don’t turn around. They sit down on one of the other beds, the springs squeaking.
I hear pages rustle, and I realize that Levi followed me.
Someone is looking out for me this time.
The thought floods me with warmth, with gratitude.
It would be so easy for Levi and the rest of the guys to take Paige’s side. Not that there are really sides to take. It’s not exactly a messy breakup.
But the guys are watching out for me. They’re helping me in small ways—the teasing, the rest, the camaraderie.
That’s the thought I have when my eyes feel heavier than they did an hour ago. My body relaxes, melting into the mattress.
For the first time in four days, I fall into a deep and easy sleep. The kind where I don’t dream of anything—not Paige, not my past, and not the future. It’ll all be right here when I wake up, but not now.