Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
VALEN
The safe house is nothing like our typical outfits.
It’s not some sterile space hiding in plain sight in the middle of a city—which is my preferred style—but a cabin. It’s rustic, secluded, and nestled deep in the White Mountains with a view that would be breathtaking if I had the capacity to appreciate beauty right now.
I don’t though.
All I can see is Clover’s face when I walked into that room—color drained, hands clawing at her throat—and her scream still rings in my head.
Roman secured this place in under an hour. It’s not one of our team’s properties, kept off the grid for situations exactly like this. No, we needed something that couldn’t be traced to anyone we’ve ever known.
Grant had to call in a favor with his contact at the FBI, which has now put us on his radar too, but we’re out of options. My cousins say we can trust this guy, and there’s no one I trust more than my cousins.
“She’ll be okay,” Chief says from the kitchen. He’s making coffee even though it’s nearly ten at night. “Kid’s tougher than she looks.”
Silently, I watch Clover through the open bedroom door. She’s curled up in the bed in clothes she didn’t bother to change out of. Wrecks is pressed against her back while she trembles so hard the whole bed quivers.
And her fucking right foot is draped over the edge of the bed while her toes tap against the floorboards in a steady rhythm that breaks loose the last threads holding my heart together.
This is her sorting the pieces in her mind until she forms a puzzle that makes sense.
And it’s no way to live.
What would have happened if I’d found my way to her that fateful night? If I hadn’t forgotten about her? Would she still fear life, or would she be the sneakily vibrant star she was born to be?
Terra’s text message proved that she could reach her anywhere, and Clover knows it. Her teeth chatter, but her unfocused gaze hasn’t left the blank wall before her.
I tried turning up the heat and piling blankets on top of her. I tried holding her until she finally pushed me away without a word. The sadness in her gaze nearly stopped the blood flowing in my veins.
So now I’m giving her space, but I can’t leave. I can’t walk away or stop watching her to ensure she’s still breathing. It’s a wildly unfounded fear, but it doesn’t stop me from counting how many times her chest rises per minute.
“Valen.” Roman’s voice pierces my count.
He’s standing in the family room, arms crossed, staring at me with the same expression he wore when I was an angry twenty-year-old, pissed off at the world and preparing to do something stupid and reckless.
“You need to eat something. Shower. For fuck’s sake, sleep. ”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not.” He gets in my face. It’s what a good brother should do, but I’m not in the fucking mood. “When Clover gets up—because she will get up—she’s going to need you functional. Not running on fumes and guilt.”
Guilt. It’s the crushing sensation in my chest that I’ve lived with for as long as I’ve had memories.
So many times, I should have protected her, and so many times I’ve failed.
I’ve only lived this torment once. This is a repeat performance for her, and I can’t even remember what my own fucking mother did to us, so I have no idea what she’s planning.
Clover’s once again forced to carry the weight of our history herself.
“If we’re right, and this is Terra, it means Vivi lied to me.” It’s a betrayal I wasn’t expecting, a pain I can’t process. Aunt Vivi lied to me. “Why would she do that?”
So many things flash across his features before he glances down, keeping me from reading what’s behind his eyes.
When he finally lifts his gaze again, his expression is one of…
resignation. “I honestly don’t know yet, but we will get the answers both you and Clover deserve, regardless of how much it may hurt to hear.
” He pounds his chest with his fist. “On my life, I promise you that.”
I can see it now, the hurt hiding behind blue eyes that are an exact replica of his mother’s. If she betrayed me, what else was she hiding?
He harbors the same fears festering in me.
“We’re a team,” I tell him. “We’ve always been a team. This will be no different.”
“Always.” He nods in acknowledgment. Roman isn’t demonstrative, but the softness in his tone belies everything he won’t show.
“Are we making a mistake not involving the police or Grant’s contact at the FBI?” If I were running this case for anyone else, I would have already brought them in. “This person is able to get past our defenses. They’re able to get ahead of Sterling’s tech. There’s no way they’re doing it alone.”
His sigh is heavy, as though he’s tired of carrying secrets, but he leans in. “Grant and Sterling are working as fast as they can on getting into Mom’s encrypted files—hopefully that leads to whoever is helping them. But there’s only one explanation for our mother’s behavior.”
“She was protecting something,” I say.
“Or someone. From what they’ve uncovered so far, we believe that Terra has knowledge of…something Mom went to great lengths to protect. And we all know there was only one thing in her life she would do anything to protect.”
“Her family.” They’ve been saying it from the beginning. Whatever Terra had over Vivi could hurt one or all of us.
He nods. “Until we know exactly what we’re working with, we need to keep it in-house. I know that’s not the answer you’re looking for, but—”
“I get it.” I’d just feel so much more secure in this decision if I had any clue where to even start. It’s not as though Terra or Vivi saved their plans where we could find them. Not like—
“The letters,” I say, scanning the room. “Where are they?”
Roman jerks his head toward the dining table. “Over there. I photographed everything at the compound before we pulled it down, but I knew you’d want the originals. I organized them by their postmarked dates as best I could.”
I move to the table on autopilot.
There they are.
Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands. All organized into neat stacks by year. It’s such a Roman thing to do, and knowing he did it for me settles some of the rage and fear swirling in my chest.
My hands shake as I pick up the first one.
The envelope is worn with age, the ink faded with time. The return address says Asher Springs, Virginia. I think that’s where she lived with the Danforth family. The letter in my hand is dated fourteen years ago, two weeks after the night everything went dark for me.
I sit down before my knees give out and open it carefully, as though it might disintegrate in my hands if I breathe too heavily.
With a final glance at Clover through the open doorway, I begin to read.
Dear Valen,
Miriam promised me you were safe. She said Aunt Vivi got you out and that you’re okay. I want to believe her. I have to believe her, but you’re not here. Where are you, Valen?
You promised.
You + Me = Forever.
I’m in a new place now. It’s fine though.
My foster parents are nice, and they’re being gentle with me.
They don’t get mad when they have to ask me to speak up four times in a row.
They want to hear me, but I’m scared. There are no rules here.
Not like ROS. I don’t know what to do, and I’m so scared of punishments.
How can I avoid them if I don’t have rules to follow?
I wish you were here with me. I’m never scared when you’re with me.
The family has a dog named Barney. He sleeps on my bed even though he’s not supposed to. Mrs. Danforth says it’ll be our little secret, but I know what happens when you keep secrets.
Why can’t they just give me the rules?
I miss you.
I miss you so much it hurts. I really hope you’re okay. I wish you’d come back for me like you promised.
Miriam said to write and you’ll respond when it’s safe. So, I will. Every day, if that’s what it takes. She promised me you’d get my letters. I miss her too. I’ve never felt so alone. Not even when Terra kept me in the dark room.
But you promised I’m never alone. Not anymore. So, I’m going to tell you about my life. About every day. That way, when we see each other again, you won’t have missed anything.
So here’s the first update to my temporary life.
I went to a new school today. A real one, like you told me about.
It’s big. Bigger than anything at ROS. There are so many kids too.
I had to take a bunch of tests, and now all the kids in my classes are two years older than me.
It makes me feel like you’re kind of with me though.
And none of them know about Terra or ROS or any of it.
To them, I’m just Clover the new girl. Not Clover Styx. Just Clover.
I wish I knew who Just Clover was…but I’ll figure it out. Right?
I hope you’re safe.
I love you,
Clover
After two hours, my eyes are blurry, hot, and painful. My stomach waffles from suffocating sadness to laughing cramps, right back to an excruciating hollowness that leaves me completely empty.
We were so young, and while her world was falling apart, she was worried about me. Writing to me. Trying to be brave—for me.
While I was in a hospital bed, unable to remember her name.
“Fuck.” I exhale years of pain.
“Valen?” I forgot that Chief has been sitting in the corner, watching over me and Clover this entire time. “You okay, son?”
“No,” I admit, then pick up the next letter, and the next. “I’m not okay.”
But I keep reading.
Because I owe her this. I owe her every word.
The guilt hit me at the compound—the guilt I couldn’t hide from her—but it’s nothing compared to this. Every letter twists the knife deeper. She wrote about nightmares I could’ve soothed. Panic attacks I could’ve talked her through. Birthdays she spent alone, wishing I was there.
And where was I?
Building a security empire. Living a life while she was barely surviving hers.
Our shared pain stayed unmoving behind the blank spaces in my memory. And now, I’m reading fourteen years of proof that the girl I forgot has never stopped believing in me. Never stopped waiting. And the weight of her faith is crushing.