Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
E leanor had done her best to keep it together, following her husband’s departure.
She had reverted to old habits that had kept her afloat after the first time that he had abandoned her easily enough.
There were quite a number of duties around the estate that needed her to oversee them, so for the first two days, she was more than equipped to pretend her life wasn’t falling apart.
She buried her feelings under documents and ledgers containing details of the estate’s expenses and other necessities, devoting herself to putting things in order. She spent hours in her study, her eyes skimming through words endlessly, with barely any break. It had taken the involvement of the housekeeper to get her to bed that night.
On the second day, she had decided to oversee the cleaning and the rearranging of the estate in time for the change in season. Eleanor discovered months ago that she liked to redecorate her estate according to the seasons so that whatever flowers were in bloom during that time would not clash dreadfully with the decorations and ornaments around the house during that time.
It was usually a fun activity she encouraged every single staff to partake in, as she took ideas and suggestions from them on what they could do to make their household look better.
But no one had dared offer any advice then, everyone preferring to agree easily to whatever she wanted rather than go against her and likely hurt her feelings.
Eleanor had paid it no mind, simply going about her job as she put things in order according to the plans she had made months prior.
It looked good, but there was still something missing and she could not, for the life of her figure out what it was. Not wanting to bother herself endlessly, she opted to leave for the next day, prepared to invite her friends over to help, if necessary.
However, it was on the first-day things had begun to fall apart.
Without Herbert, the groundskeeper was in charge of doing some minimal work around the garden, such as watering the plants and getting rid of weeds.
Eleanor knew that it was high time that she tended to her precious plants and woke up with the intention of spending most of the day outdoors.
“I think you should dress as warmly as possible, then,” Alice had said to her gently, setting out articles of clothing sure to keep Eleanor warm.
She had worn them without question, not wanting to give Mr Bradley an excuse to have her confined to the house. He approved of her attire with a nod and escorted her into the garden, the sight of her plants already sending a rush of relief into her body.
Gardening came as naturally as breathing and it was a peaceful enough task that it helped keep some unwanted thoughts away.
It was not completely foolproof, but it did enough to keep her from going insane.
Eleanor had succeeded in ignoring just how wrong things had been going for her lately until she came across a small withered plant.
Confused, she looked through the sections of young plants that had only begun to grow a little further past the seedling stage recently, taking count of everything in hopes of figuring out which plant had died.
“The poppies, white roses, orchid –” Eleanor faltered, realizing that she could not find the orchid plant anywhere. “No, it can’t be.”
She shook her head in disbelief, so sure that she had made some sort of mistake.
It couldn’t be the orchid. The plant had been growing so well. She had checked on it three days ago and it had been thriving then! What could have –
Eleanor stopped, shifting her attention down to the withered plant below. There was no doubt about it. Her favorite plant had died.
A sob ripped out of her, followed by another. It seemed that once the dam had been broken open, there was no fixing it.
She stood there and wept, not caring that her staff were wandering around, trying to complete their tasks for the day.
She wept for her heart which had wanted love but had only gotten hurt for all its trouble. She wept for all the effort she had expended on her marriage in hopes that it would work, only for her husband to propose that they get divorced.
She cried for herself, tired of wanting and yearning and sowing, only to be abandoned by the ones she cared for the most.
“Your Grace,” Mr Bradley spoke to her softly. “Perhaps you should take a short break now.”
Eleanor felt too tired to refuse, allowing the man to guide her back into the house. She tried to stop her tears, but it was as though all the pain, disappointment, and heartbreak she had stifled, going back days, weeks even had been brought forward aggressively and she had to either face it all ahead on, or die trying.
Alice had met them as they walked in, her eyes alight with worry as she took in Eleanor’s sorry state.
“Your Grace – what happened?” she questioned in concern.
“She needs a warm bath, perhaps a cup of tea and then some sleep,” Mr Bradley proposed gently.
“I agree but she might have to do all of that later. Her mother –”
“Goodness, Eleanor. What is the matter now?”
Eleanor felt her blood run cold.
She whirled around, irritated beyond measure to see her mother walking towards her.
“What is this? Why are you putting on such a spectacle? In front of your servants no less. This is not how a dignified lady of the house acts. I thought I taught you better –”
“Mother, please. Not today. I am tired, and I have far too much to do to entertain another one of your fits. Good day,” Eleanor said dismissively, slipping past her mother to head in the direction of her study.
“Why are you always like this?” Leah demanded, causing Eleanor to stop where she stood. “Ever since you married, you have done your best to avoid me when all I wish to do is help in whatever way I can. You have no inkling just how fortunate you are to have this life. You do not know how many people would give whatever they could to take your place. I am only trying to show you how to secure your place and it is as though you don’t understand that or you just do not care!”
Eleanor sighed deeply, her heart and joints aching with the deep exhale. She did not want to do this, did not have an ounce of strength within her to entertain her mother of all people currently.
“You are right. I care not. Let them come, if they wish, and claim what they may. They can take it all, if they want. Are you satisfied?”
Leah stared at her daughter in horror.
“Do not say that! Do not be so flippant about your livelihood and your future! After all I’ve done? After everything I have sacrificed? After all my efforts to teach you –”
“You taught me nothing, mother! Nothing important. Nothing I would need in real life. You brought me up to be vain and self-centered, to believe that I was the best, when in reality, I was like every other girl out there and then you thrust me into a marriage with someone who would much rather pretend I did not exist. Do not come into my home lecturing me about the lessons of conduct you instilled in me. It was all useless. Not one of them helped me survive in the past year and none of them are going to help me now as I try to figure out what to do with myself.” Eleanor snapped, finally at her limit.
Her mother looked shocked by her outburst.
“I do not know why you are acting like this Eleanor. And what do you mean I taught you nothing useful? Do not sound so selfish. Everything I had done, I did for you. Even the marriage you complain about. You are a duchess! Do you know how many dreamed of being in your shoes?” Leah asked with a glare.
“Other women! But not me! I never wanted to be a duchess. But you wouldn’t know that because my life has never been about what I wanted. It had always been about what would grant you and your father more recognition in society. You took my childhood, my youth, just to make yourselves look good, uncaring how much society hurt me. After my first scandal, I was so hurt and embarrassed. I needed my mother to tell me that none of it had been my fault. I needed your support. But you joined the outsiders to blame me, doubting the truth I had begged you to listen to each day. And then you thrust me into another scandal, just so I could find a husband. Well, I hope you’re happy now, mother because my marriage is falling apart. It was doomed from the start and we have finally ended it all together. I hope you are satisfied now. I hope it was worth it, mother. Getting to boast about me, whilst never defending me from any of the gossip people spread about me. I truly hope you are happy now.”
Leah looked pale by the time Eleanor was done with her complaint and she silently stared at her daughter while the duchess wiped at her tear-soaked cheek.
When it seemed that Eleanor had regained some composure, she gestured to the door.
“As you can see, mother, I am in no mood to argue or fight with you today. So if you would just, please –”
“I only wanted you to live the best life. We merely wanted to provide you with a secure future,” Leah said quietly, as though she couldn’t believe all that Eleanor had said.
The duchess inhaled shakily, fighting the urge to scream.
“You arranged for me to be trapped into a marriage with one of the most dangerous men in London, mother. Had things gone any differently, I would’ve died. Doesn’t seem like a smart idea to secure my future by having me marry a rumored killer, does it, mother?” she deadpanned.
It was as though whatever curtains of delusion that had shielded Leah’s eyes were lifted then.
She gasped and put hands over her mouth, eyes wide with horror. She tried to speak up several times, but seemed at a loss for words. It was strange a strange sight to Eleanor who was used to her mother’s seemingly endless stream of opinions.
Finally, with a shaky breath, the marchioness started hesitantly,
“I… I did not know. We had no idea that we had caused you so much distress. Oh, Eleanor, it was never our intention to disregard your feelings or to make you feel alone. All we wanted was for you to have a good life. Things were much different in our time. The world was harsher and colder and we wanted to spare you from all that pain and suffering. We had hoped that you would live a life of ease, which is why we tried to build you up into a sophisticated young woman. But somewhere along the line, we got distracted by the idea of perfection and we forgot that we had been doing all of this for you in the first place. And I am sorry you were forced to endure all of that on your own. You are so incredibly brave, Eleanor. More than I and your father would have expected. And although we don’t say it enough, we are so incredibly proud of the woman you’ve become.” Leah said gently.
“Really?” Eleanor asked quietly.
“Absolutely. I fussed and fussed for you to have a strong footing here because I came to understand only later that with a man as unreliable as the duke, perhaps it was best to cement your place in his life, permanently. After all, you are the one who managed his estate all by yourself. I never taught you how to do that, but you scaled through somehow, all on your own. And I am very proud of all that you accomplished. I am sorry we were not more supportive and responsive to your needs. Especially after you had to carry this marriage by yourself through most of it. I know I might be too late now, but I would like to say every marriage comes with its challenges. Especially when love isn’t present. But if you have a goal you wish to accomplish, then you do your best to hold it together, even if you must do it alone. There was a time when your father and I had so many struggles together.
“But I knew that I could not give you the future I hoped to by myself. And so I decided to stay and work things out with him. Eventually, he came around. Perhaps you need to simply do what you have been doing and he would eventually see how special you are.”
Eleanor exhaled deeply, feeling the familiar ache she had been trying to ignore settle in her chest.
“I asked him for a divorce, mother. It’s too late for us to try and fix anything.”
Leah’s eyes widened and her lips parted, likely to scold Eleanor, but it seemed as though she caught herself in time and decided against it.
“I think you should do whatever you feel is right. It is your life, and the consequences of however you choose to live it are ultimately yours. So I believe it is important to make such important decisions for yourself and allow whatever happens to be a learning experience for you.” Leah said softly, reaching out to hold onto her daughter’s hand. “One thing is for certain though – you will brave whatever follows, as you have everything else that came before. And I will be just as proud, if not more so then, as I am of you now.”
It felt incredibly comforting to hear such encouraging words of comfort from her mother. Eleanor felt her heart lose some of its weight for the first time in two days and a small smile graced her lips.
“Thank you, mother.”
Leah put her arms around Eleanor, holding her close as she said,
“Anytime dear.”