Chapter 33 #2
“I pressed for all the details about Jacob Manwaring again and again. I was devastated when I realized what had happened in my absence, and I simply couldn’t let it be.
The whole situation was nonsensical to me, and I thought that if I could somehow find the crack that made it so, I might change this reality.
I became obsessed. My father was the one who finally told me the truth when he realized I wouldn’t let up on my search.
He told me that Jacob’s second wife had run away.
When I pressed him, he admitted no one knew what had happened to her.
That was right before I came here to board. ”
The final blow of betrayal hit like a slap.
Every part of my body hurt with ache, but no doubt remained in me. The apostle had lied to me, twice over. “How could I have been taken for such a fool? He’s supposed to speak for God.”
“He called it lying for the Lord.” Elijah spat the words out like they were poison.
I dug my fingernails into my palms.
What did it matter to a man if he wrought horrors in order to create the vision he saw? He’d be called righteous for it. The same as Brigham and Joseph. These men could do as they saw fit without consequence, without worrying about those they crushed in their path.
“Do you think he suspects Jacob had something to do with Sariah’s disappearance?” I asked.
“He said Jacob thought she had fled Utah to sin, but …” His voice trailed off.
“But I know he didn’t truly believe that.
Someone else would’ve known if she’d run off.
She couldn’t have done it alone and on a whim.
I think my father suspected Jacob’s hand, though he was never questioned. He wants to lift up Jacob as a leader.”
Though I fully expected the answer, a scorching horror burned up my throat.
An apostle of the Lord led me to a marriage with a man he knew full well might be responsible for the disappearance of his wife.
Elder Crowther promised me it was the Lord’s will for me to accept Jacob and he knew that commandment lead me straight into the arms of a dangerous man.
He never cared about me—only that I obeyed him.
“Hazel, are you all right?”
I stumbled and pressed against a tree for support.
My mind flashed back rapidly through every moment with Jacob.
So much of what I thought was kindness and love was a ploy for dominance.
He’d lied, taken affection from me without my consent, abandoned his family at the slightest hint of difficulty, and then threatened me to keep me in line.
“What do I do?” I whispered to myself.
“What do you mean?”
Elijah drew closer, his face close to mine. A lifetime ago we stood beneath a tree just like this. The world then was painted in flashes of color and hope, now it was dark and lonesome.
“I’m trapped,” I said. “I’m his for forever, even after death. I could try to obtain a divorce, but there’s no possibility he’d simply let me leave him.”
“Even Brother Brigham had wives divorce him.”
“Yes, but what if it’s still wrong?” I bit my thumb.
“All my life I’ve tried so hard to be the perfect woman that’s obedient and faithful.
Who never complains or stirs up contention, that doesn’t harbor wicked thoughts or give in to temptations.
That listens to her leaders without complaint and doesn’t speak her mind aloud. ”
A sob escaped my lips, but it didn’t stop the rush of words pouring out of me. “I’ve tried and tried to squeeze myself into their boxes—into their cages. But I never seem to fit or be content. I just keep shoving down the wish for something more so I’ll be what I’m told I need to be.”
Though my natural inclination was to draw back or beg forgiveness for my rash speaking, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I truly didn’t want to. Invisible roots of hope sprouted at my feet, entwining up my ankles.
The wind’s whistle through the branches quieted for a moment.
If I wanted, I could reach out and trace the lines of Elijah’s face with the tips of my fingers.
Or throw myself into his embrace and kiss away every piece of heartache carved into him.
“Elijah.” I rested my forehead against his. My voice trembled. “What if I did leave? With you?”
His breathing hitched. “You mean, you want to marry me? Even after all that’s been done in my name?”
“Yes. Damn Jacob. Damn your father.” My words grew into a sharp cry. “Damn Brigham Young and every man who made this place a living hell.”
Elijah’s fingers caressed my jawline. “We deserve a choice.”
The roots at my feet flared with his words, shooting up to wrap up my legs like ivy climbing a tower. All the brick I’d built up around me crumbled.
“Yes,” I said. “Is there ever truly a choice to be had when the threat of eternal damnation is the only other possibility? When you’ve been taught over and over until it is stained in your mind that there is no other conceivable path?”
The words sunk their teeth into me, piercing at places I’d always buried deep down.
“We’ve never been truly free, have we?” I continued.
“Every step of our lives had been outlined and prescribed by others: a bible, a parent, a deity.” My palms grew clammy with sweat despite the night cold.
“They told me to obey so I could be worthy. But I’ve never felt the acceptance.
Except from you. And you’ve never demanded anything of me. ”
A heat started within me unlike anything I’d ever experienced.
Potent, brilliant, and encompassing, as if flames had lit inside my chest and burned through my limbs without consuming my flesh.
It wasn’t a fear or a pain—it was a strength.
It was truth in its rawest form, undeniable and earth-shaking.
For the first time in what felt a lifetime, peace blossomed within me.
Clarity cleared out the clouds. I was acceptable, just as me—and I was capable.
I could reclaim myself, my own authority. I could save myself, and my sisters.
Unable to stand the magnitude of the power coursing through me, I fell to my knees.
The movement broke my euphoria. At once, I was back in the dark forest lit only by the pale of the moon.
The trees quivered around me, their leaves rustling and stirring noises from the creatures living within.
The strength within me passed, leaving me devoid of energy. I inhaled short, stagnant breaths.
Elijah dropped to the ground. With careful hands, he reached out and cradled my face, his thumbs stroking my cheek. The heat I felt now was a roar of desire lodging deep in my center. I didn’t dare move away.
“Hazel?” Elijah’s voice was a breathless whisper.
I leaned my cheek into his palm and he made a soft noise in the back of his throat. Longing sparked quicker than it could be dampened, spreading out of control.
“I’m fine, more than fine. Especially with you here.” I let the truth pour from me. “Elijah, you’re who I love, who I want.”
With a tug of his hands, Elijah drew me closer until our noses brushed together.
His eyes drew down to my lips, his breathing shallow and hot on my face.
My fingers moved of their own accord, searching for purchase in the sea of his dark curls and caressing the back of his neck.
Sliding his fingers down my sides, he carved a fiery trail until his hands gripped my waist.
“Hazel, my love.”
The night stilled once more and cocooned around us, protecting us.
At last, he brought his lips to mine. My body awoke.
His mouth moved delicately, gently, like he sought to worship me with exact precision.
I parted my lips to allow more of his devotion.
The kiss grew harder. Every flame of passion we’d held back between us now ignited into a fire.
We were a crush of hungry lips, wandering hands, and gasping moans.
When he broke away reluctantly, he pressed his forehead against mine. “What will we do now?”
“Hmm,” I whispered, my fingers still twining through his hair, not completely understanding his words or wanting to leave this moment. This kiss.
“Does the brave Hazel have a plan?” he asked with a slight laugh.
The cocoon around us burst open and the night broke through in a cacophony of sounds—branches rustling, animals howling, owls calling. Once again, we were in the threatening wilderness shivering against the cold.
“I don’t want to say it, but I don’t think we’ll find Prudence tonight.
We will find her, I won’t give up, but right now we should return to the house and we can start our search again in the morning, leaving no stone unturned.
” I pulled back but kept my hands interlaced with his.
The autumn chill had all but disappeared to me.
“For tonight, we can begin planning our escape. It won’t be easy. ”
“I’m with you every step.”
“He won’t grant the divorce, I know it. He’s—” The words of his letter ran back through my mind. “He’s threatened me before.”
A growl escaped Elijah’s pressed lips. “I won’t let him harm you.”
He wrapped my hands in his and tugged them against his chest. My fingers sparked at the heat of his body. They fit so perfectly in his. He held within his palms my every dream, hope, and prayer, as well as every pain, sorrow, and torment.
I stole another kiss from his lips.
“I’m scared, Elijah. But surely we deserve to be happy. I refuse to believe that we’ve been sacrificing our whole lives just to endure utter misery until the end.”
He lifted my hands up to his mouth, kissing between each knuckle. “You deserve every happiness, my dear. What if we simply left before he returned?”
“Without the divorce? Without getting married?”
“I know, Hazel, I know.” His tone trembled. We were daring to be bold enough to step into unchartered territory. “But he’s a dangerous man.”
The wind whipped through my unpinned hair, both threatening and soothing at the same time. “You’re right. We’ll leave and then I’ll write back for the divorce.”
“Where will we go?”
I glanced up between the trees to the infinite stretch of sky and stars above. “Anywhere, Elijah. Anywhere but here. California, perhaps?”
Even as I kept my eyes heavenward, I could hear the smile in his voice.
“I’ve always wanted to see the Pacific. Perhaps I could become a fisherman.”
I snorted. “You’d smell terribly all the time.”
“And here I thought fish were the most romantic of foods.”
“That’s chocolate.” I rolled my eyes to make him laugh.
His fingers gripped my hip, bringing us together again. “Then perhaps I’ll become a chocolatier.”
“Sounds delicious.” I met his lips halfway as we came back together.
Reluctantly, I broke us apart. “But for now, we need to return.”
“Yes, we’ll find your sister wife.”
Hope brimmed like a fire against my skin. “What if I can convince them to come with us? We could all leave this dreadful place behind.”
“If that is what my bride wishes, then of course.” Elijah scooped me up by the knees and spun me around, my feet brushing against stray brush. “Oh, Hazel. I’ve waited so long to call you that.”
“As have I.” I found his lips once more, my center aching with his touch.
As soon as my feet touched the ground again, though, the anxiety returned. But at least there was something now to cling on to—the hope of future joy in a place far away from here, married only to Elijah, Jacob and his secretive house left behind.
With one final kiss, we grasped hands. I turned back to the path that’d led us from the house.
It was somehow brighter than before despite its twisted trees and low moonlight.
We made our way back to the house, saying little, as few words could truly contain our shared joy.
Branches and brush lashed at our legs, and the wind roared louder like a storm approached. But it didn’t deter us.
As we approached Manwaring Manor, our pace slowed. Its towering gables glared down at me. The windows were dark and unwelcoming. Then all at once, a bright light flashed in the attic window. I held out my hand to stop Elijah, my pulse rising. The light flashed again and again.
A warning.
“Something’s not right,” I said.
“How do you know?” he asked.
I pointed to the top window.
“What should we do?”
“We shouldn’t be seen returning together.” I tugged him behind a tree. “You go around the house and enter from the front in a few minutes. I’ll go through the kitchen like I was out collecting laundry.”
Elijah didn’t break his stare with the upper window.
“That’s probably wise. I’ll see you soon.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead, then stalked away, staying as hidden as possible in the trees.
I approached the house cautiously, retrieving a forgotten laundry basket as I crossed the yard. I swallowed past the burning lump in my throat. A blanket of hush dropped over me as I came to the kitchen door.
Then I clamored to a stop.
Prudence stood in the kitchen doorway, the hopeful smile I hadn’t seen in so long lighting her face.
“Sister Hazel! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”