Chapter 31
Marty
I tell Mom, Dad, and Aiden about Ryan’s injury and why he couldn’t make it to dinner, assuring them he’ll be fine.
But it’s evident they can tell something’s off, that I’m not myself, which sucks because now they’re probably worrying about me the way I’ve been worrying about Ryan since he found out his mom was seeing someone new.
I catch them up about what’s been going on otherwise, and after dinner, Aiden insists I throw the ball around with him out back.
“This is why I wanted Ryan to come over,” Aiden gripes. “I need a real throw, give me some distance.”
“Fuck, Aiden, I’m giving it the best I can.”
He backs up much farther. “If you don’t make it, you have to stay out here for another thirty minutes.”
As much as today sucks, it’s nice being back to the way things were when we were kids.
“It’s not even gonna be light out then!” I call to him.
“So it’s really gonna suck, isn’t it? Just give it to me.”
I put my all into the next throw, tossing a ball I wish we could have recorded for Ryan. It’s even got that perfect spin on it that Aiden taught me how to do. He catches it like it’s nothing, hamming it up like it was such a breeze, though I know he’s just as impressed with himself.
“There we go!” he calls out. “You’ll do anything to get out of a good time, right?”
I can’t stifle my laugh as he hurries toward me. I meet him halfway, and as I notice the sweat on his brow, I realize I’m sweating too.
“That was pretty good, right?” I ask.
He cocks a brow. “Eh, it was aight.”
“Whatever.” I nudge his chair, and he smirks.
We head over to the pool deck, where I settle on the swinging chair, and he pulls up beside me.
“So…” he drags out. “Now you gonna tell me what’s up?”
“Huh?” I’m hoping I can bluff my way out of this one, but his glare suggests it’s not gonna work.
“Don’t play with your brother. I know you better than anyone.”
“I told you Ryan got hurt today.”
His glare intensifies. “Yeah, you’re real worried about your linebacker boyfriend’s boo-boo on his thumb. I’m sure.”
Fuck, I’m not getting out of this one.
“He’s not a linebacker anymore.” I’m trying to deflect, but Aiden isn’t having it.
“Well, let me know how that bottling it all up and letting it eat you alive is working for you.”
He can’t realize, but that really strikes a nerve since I know it’s what Ryan’s doing, and it definitely isn’t working for him.
“This have anything to do with his parents getting a divorce?” he presses.
I take a breath. “He got some more news from his mom.” I leave it at that.
Even though I don’t feel like Ryan would be upset about my sharing this with my bro, I don’t feel it’s my news to share.
“It was a lot, and it’s catching up with him how much things are gonna change for his family.
And he has all this other stuff going on too.
He’s not playing football anymore, which used to be how he worked out stress.
That path was pretty set for him, and he’s like…
what does the future look like? On top of that, we aren’t seeing all our friends, and our lives are changing completely.
” Just saying it makes my anxiety flare up, twisting in my chest.
“Sounds tough,” Aiden says, and he’s not being jokey or playful—a rare thing for him. “I get it since I’m feeling similarly about high school. I’m gonna be heading off to Peach State next year, and everything will be changing from here on.”
“Yeah…and I keep trying to think of a way to reach him, to help him, but I can’t think of anything right to say, or what to do to make this better. Like…it’s not the kind of thing you can make better.”
“Trust me, I know what that’s like too.”
My chest constricts even more. I wasn’t considering what I was saying, and given Aiden’s sorrowful expression, I know he’s thinking about the other thing I couldn’t change. That no one could change after his accident.
“I’m so sorry.” Tears stir in my eyes. Because like I told Ryan, deep down I feel this is something I’ve done to him.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Mart.”
I try to keep it down like I always do, but the stress of everything that’s happening, my worry about Ryan, makes it bubble to the surface. “I should have been there.”
His forehead creases. “It’s just a shitty thing that happened.” He says it so matter-of-factly, like it’s never even crossed his mind.
“I would have made sure you didn’t get on that ATV.” As soon as I get the words out, I fucking lose it. The tears break free, rolling down my cheeks.
It’s all too much. My powerlessness against what’s going on with Ryan has prodded something so dark within me, this guilt I carry over the past. “I’m so sorry,” I blurt out, my words barely audible with how much my voice cracks as I bow my head to keep him from seeing his big bro crumbling like this.
I don’t know how I’m expecting him to respond, but suddenly, his hand is on my shoulder. “Hey, you,” he says, the way Dad used to whenever we would get worked up like this, and it pulls me out of my dark thoughts long enough to look his way.
I’m expecting to see judgment, to see this side that’s always blamed me, that maybe that’s why he hasn’t spent as much time with me this past year, but his expression is soft, sympathetic.
“It took me a long time not to blame myself even,” he says.
“But we were kids. Plenty of kids do dangerous things, and nothing ever happens to them. Everything that’s happened to me has made me realize how deeply unfair life is…
and you know what? It is unfair, and I don’t give a fuck that it’s unfair because that’s not gonna keep me from doing all the things I want to do.
It’s changed things for me, but as you can see, I’m perfectly capable of living a fulfilling, meaningful life.
Just different than we thought it would be. ”
I snicker uneasily. “That’s the Aideniest thing you could have said.”
His lips curl into his dimples. “I don’t blame myself for an accident. I don’t blame our cousins. So I sure as hell don’t blame you.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not gonna magically shake away the guilt anytime soon.”
“I can’t do much about that in a quick chat, but I know what I can do.”
I can’t tell where he’s going with that.
“Do you remember after the accident? When I finally got back from the hospital, you, Mom, and Dad were all over me. Taking care of whatever I needed. Getting me to specialists and helping me get around town. You were basically my personal servant for a while there, and I needed it because I was in such a dark headspace. Wasn’t ready to deal with the fact that this could be my forever. ”
I remember it all too well. The despair.
The depression. It was hard, not only because of what happened, but because of how difficult it was to see the light in his eyes fade to the point where I thought I might never see the real him again…
or at least the version of him I’d known up until that point.
Although, I don’t get why he’s bringing it up now.
“I knew if I let you,” he says, “you would have been there like that for the rest of my life.”
“If you said you wanted me to do it again, I would. You know that, right?” I don’t ever want him to question that. Ever feel like he needed to do this on his own.
He grins, a warm glint in his eyes. “I’ve got a good big bro, but one day you were getting dinner ready for me because Mom and Dad were on vacation, and it really locked in for me.
That I would never get to really live. Maybe I’d have fewer struggles, but I’d also never have success or accomplishments…
or anything to enjoy again. That wasn’t the life I wanted.
I wanted to be my own person. I still had dreams. You had your own dreams, and I know I was hard on you because you wouldn’t leave me alone right away, but it was the right thing to do… to push you away.”
Even hearing him talk about how he pushed me away breaks my heart because all I wanted was to be there for him, to take care of any issue he might have.
“Clearly, you were right,” I confess. “Now you’re killing it and making it all look so easy.”
“It’s not easy, that’s for sure. Some days I do fucking hate it because I can’t not compare myself to my friends, but then some days, I can appreciate aspects of it all.” He grips my shoulder tighter. “But all that aside, you know what made it easier to do all this? Having you as my bro.”
I’m not following, especially since the whole point of his story was to remind me of when he pushed me away.
Surely, my confusion’s written all over my face since he adds, “It was scary, Mart. And I didn’t know how things were going to work out, but I knew I was gonna be okay because, even if something happened, even if I couldn’t figure it all out on my own, I had someone who would catch me when I fell.
No matter what happened, you’d be right there. ”
I’m shocked to hear that because he sure as hell never talked like this when we were younger.
“Knowing you had my back made me fearless.”
Relief washes through me. Assurance that he really gets how much I love him. That I would have done anything in the world for him.
“I’m glad you know that, but sometimes I wish you needed me more.”
He angles his head, issuing a glare so much like my own. Must be genetic.
“You’re missing the point, Mart. You can’t fix some things, and sometimes the most you can do is be there for someone when they’re having a hard time.
Because knowing I wasn’t alone at the hardest time in my life was what was important.
” And it hits me like a brick before he says, “I know it sucks that you can’t magically fix Ryan’s problems, but being there for him is enough. It’s always been enough.”
A warm sensation stirs in my chest where all that tension had been bundled up, partly because I’m so touched by what he shared, and partly because I know that’s something I can do for Ryan right now. What I must do for him.
“Now give your little brother a hug, and then let’s go inside and I’ll give you hell like this conversation never happened.”
I chuckle as his sense of humor cuts right through the seriousness of the moment. I give him a big hug, holding him close, appreciating the warmth of his hold, remembering times when we used to hug like this.
“You’re a really great guy, Aiden.”
“I know I am,” he says in a conceited way that gets me laughing.
“You’d make a good Alpha Theta Mu.”
“Actually, I’m too cool for them. I was planning to pledge Sigma Alpha.”
The fuck?
I pull away, giving him a nasty look, and he laughs.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have made a joke while you’re all vulnerable like this. You know I’m Alpha Theta Mu, just like my big bro.”
“Damn right you are.”
“Gotta get to the frat, show all those guys that there’s at least one cool guy in this family.”
“You little prick.”
He grins, and as much as I may have helped him by being there for him when he was younger, it’s nice having this moment where he’s doing that for me.
“You really like him, don’t you?” he says.
Like? That doesn’t even cover it. Not even a little.
“It’s much more than that,” I confess.
Because I think I might be in love with him.