Chapter 32
Ryan
Sitting on the couch at Dax’s apartment, I scroll through old pics and videos on Instagram.
Mom, Dad, and me at the Grand Canyon.
Six Flags.
Universal Studios.
Westminster Abbey.
I search through these reminders of our past, analyzing my parents’ expressions, scrutinizing every one to see if I can tell when things went so wrong that they couldn’t be fixed.
I settle on a video from a hike in Cape Town.
Well, Dad told Mom it would be a hike, but it became more like a climb, which annoyed the hell out of her because she wasn’t wearing the shoes for it.
But as I watch the video of us, celebrating reaching the top of the mountain, she’s smiling as much as ever.
She and Dad kiss behind me as I hold my phone, keeping us all in the frame.
“Get a room,” I tease them before the video comes to an end.
I scroll back in my profile feed. We look happy, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe things weren’t working for even longer than they’ve shared with me. After all, they’ve been keeping this secret. It’s hard to tell when they started hiding their drifting apart.
I want to go back to the way things were, yet I also wouldn’t want them to do that if it meant Mom wouldn’t have that bright smile on her face again.
This sucks.
And something about this internal turmoil makes pain flare in my goddamn thumb, which is still giving me hell.
To think that working out the stress on the builds was really helping me, and then I went and fucked it up by hurting myself.
And now, as I’m sitting here, alone, I’m regretting letting Marty go to his parents’ place without me because I want to be with him.
He was so good when I got injured. Taking me to urgent care, right at my side. Just like he’s been through all this shit since I found out about Mom’s new boyfriend. Or really, not so new.
What I hate most about this is I’ve put up a wall.
I know he feels it too, but it’s not about him.
It’s this part of me that fears, if the two people I was most open with about my life can wind up doing something that hurts like this, then why let anybody in?
And that makes me hate myself even more because if anyone has shown me that I can be vulnerable with him, it’s Mart.
I grab a bag of peas from the freezer to soothe my thumb, and as I wrap it up, the doorknob rattles. Relief pulses through me, but when the door opens, it’s Dax.
“Oh…” I can’t help the disappointment in my tone.
“Ouch.” He presses his hand to his heart, as though signifying the figurative bullet he just took.
“Sorry. I thought it’d be…”
“I’m offended, not stupid. And really not that offended. I get it. How’s the thumb?”
I head into the living area. “Doesn’t feel like it’s about to fall off anymore.”
“Well, that’s progress. Troy caught us up on the urgent care visit. Glad you’re doing okay. Where’s Mart? Getting food? You think if I text him, he can grab me something?”
As he plops down on the couch, I tell him, “He went to his parents’. I insisted. I just…needed some space.”
“Considering how eager you looked when I came in, I’d say you wished he was here right now.”
“Anyone accuse you of being too perceptive?” I joke, since that seems to be his thing.
“Sometimes,” he says in this cocky but charming way he has.
Maybe it’s his cool attitude or the fact that he’s always easy to talk to.
Or maybe I just need to get this out of my system, because I go for it.
“I’ve got a lot going on with my parents, and it feels like being buried under a dogpile right now.
It’s hard because I care about Marty so much, but I hate that he knows how much this is hitting me.
Makes me feel like I’m ruining his summer. ”
His brows tug together. “Okay, you’re worried you might be ruining Marty’s summer? I’m sure most people would assume it’d be the opposite.”
“Hey, he’s more fun than any of you give him credit for.” I’m surprised by how defensive that comes out, and the way Dax’s eyes widen, he is too.
“You know that was a joke, right? You used to be good at those. And also, you were the one who always gave Marty hell about his attitude. The rest of us knew he was cool.”
Now I feel guilty for snapping at my friend. “I know, sorry.” I settle beside him on the couch. “Between life and my thumb, I’m in a grumpy mood.”
Dax angles his head, giving me a pointed look like he knows something I don’t. “Is that what you really think it is?”
“What do you mean?”
“You think you jumped all over me when I said that about Marty because you’re in a mood?”
“What else would it be?”
I take a moment to work out if I missed something, and he grins.
“Oh, wow…” he drags out. “You really can be oblivious sometimes.”
I guess I am because I don’t know what the fuck he’s on about, maybe because my brain’s so scrambled with all this other crap.
“You want to play a video game?” he asks before noticing my hand. “Oops. Right. Maybe a movie?”
I’m surprised by how quickly he changed the subject, but given that moping about isn’t doing much for me, maybe it’s not a bad idea to chill with a buddy. “I’d like that.”
“Cool. You mind if I shower up first? Still smell like sweat and work, and not in the fun, sexy way.”
I chuckle. “Yeah, go for it.”
He hops up and heads to the bathroom.
I rewatch the last video I pulled up from my vacation with my parents. There’s still that sting in my chest, like a knife digging into my heart. I force myself to set my phone on the side table, when there’s another rattle at the door.
This time it has to be Mart.
I guess it could be a burglar, but it’s probably Mart.
The door opens, and he heads in. Funny how something as simple as seeing my boyfriend sends a rush of adrenaline right through me, like scoring a touchdown.
I want to push to my feet and rush to him, but that mental heaviness keeps me from having the strength to stand.
Like a part of me is forcing me to stay on this side of that figurative wall.
“Hey,” I manage.
As I adjust the peas on my thumb, I notice Marty’s eyeing me strangely. He has a hand behind his back, like he’s hiding something.
“What is it?” I ask.
He closes the door behind him, licking his lips.
“I got you something on my way back,” he reveals, and my first thought is to wonder if I’ve missed some kind of anniversary, but of course, we haven’t been together that long.
“It’s nothing major. Just…” He starts toward me, presenting this secret item—a protein bar.
And not just any protein bar, but my favorite—the peanut butter and chocolate one I was notorious for borrowing from Payton whenever I’d run low.
“I was hoping to come back with a whole box of them, but you were right about them being hard to get in the store. I stopped by, like, four before I found one.”
The heaviness weighing me down lifts, like the guys steadily leaving the dogpile. I set the peas aside and push to my feet, approaching him as he fiddles with the bar, which looks a little dented.
“It was the last one, and it’s not in great shape. I was debating whether to even give it to you, but…I wanted to get you something to cheer you up.” He holds the bar out, looking so shy about it.
I take it and study the glistening wrapping.
It’s only a protein bar. Such a simple gesture.
But it’s not. It’s a testament to the kind of guy Marty is—always has been.
The guy who notices the little things. Who in a moment, when I was at my lowest, wanted to do something to cheer me up.
The guy who’s been surprising the shit out of me since we both let our guard down with one another.
Now my eyes are welling with tears. Fucking tears.
“Ry?” He puts his arm around me, sliding his hand along the small of my back. The ease it elicits is enough to subdue the stinging in my thumb. “Is everything okay?”
He’s so caring. So thoughtful. And he can’t realize what such a simple gesture means to me.
Wrapping my arms around him, I draw him close, feeling the full reassurance of his hold, appreciating it more than I ever have before, when a realization hits me.
Now I know what Dax was giving me hell about when he said I was oblivious.
I wasn’t just jumping down his throat when I thought he was insulting Marty.
I care about this guy so fucking much…but it’s more than that.
And it took a fucking protein bar to figure out just how much. And why I’ve been pushing him away.
I pull back, looking into his beautiful green eyes.
“Mart, I’m sorry I’ve been keeping you at a distance.
I’ve never felt like this for anyone before, and with everything going on with my parents, I’ve been scared to let someone else in, trust them when I know how much it could hurt if they betrayed me. ”
“I can understand that,” he says, sounding so much more empathetic than I ever would have guessed during our initial animosity.
“I want to get through this, though,” I tell him. “I don’t want this shit to stand in the way of what we have. Because I love you.” I say that without hesitation, and as the words pass my lips, I know their truth. “Like…in love with you love you.”
My heart swells as he smiles.
“I love you too, Ry.”
There was relief in revealing it to him, but even more when he said it back.
It’s hard to believe this is real, but I’m too appreciative to question it.
I pull him against my chest, keeping him close, enjoying how these sensations are so much better than the ones I was struggling with while he was visiting his family.
I kiss the side of his face, then make my way to his mouth. I’ve kissed this guy so many times, I know how it feels, but our confession has deepened the sensation, and I worship his lips and tongue for all the pleasure they have to offer.
“I want you,” I whisper. “I need you, Mart.”
“I’m right here,” he assures me, meaning so much more than right now.
And as long as I have my guy with me, I know I’ll be okay.