Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
LIVIANNA/LILY
Now
Playful Paradise & Vicious Volcanoes
Life keeps changing its shape the second I look directly at it.
Callum rolls over in the king-size bed, his hair messy from a night of making love to him all night. “Lily, you get up too fucking early.”
“Yeah, you’ve said that before.” I toss my two-piece black bikini onto the bed and start lathering myself in sunscreen. “We’re on our honeymoon, love. That means we get to relax all day.”
“So we can sleep in?”
“You can, but I want to go to the Pilates class they have.”
“You go. I’m gonna catch up on my sleep.”
“That’s what I thought you’d say.” I grab my water bottle off the nightstand. “I’ll be back in a little while.”
Callum reaches for my hand and tugs me back just far enough that I have to lean over the bed to keep my balance. “Do you want me to come?”
“No. Rest and come find me on the beach when you’re up.”
“You’re the best, Livianna Mayze.” He yawns and rolls onto his side. “The fucking best.”
I kiss him on the cheek. “Right back at ya, love.”
I tuck him in and find my way to the Pilates class. It runs along the resort’s open-air pavilion. Three rows of reformers are lined up to face the beach. I pick one I like and push myself through the workout.
The instructor’s voice threads through the sound of the ocean below. This session is exactly what I need.
The instructor slips up next to me when the class is over. “How are you feeling?”
“Forty-five minutes of deliberate movement, stretching out all my knots.” I wipe away the sweat that has collected along the back of my neck. “I’d say I’m in heaven.”
“That’s what I like to hear.” She checks in with the other participants as we gather our belongings and leave.
What should I do? Let Callum sleep is the first thing that comes to mind.
I mosey out to the poolside bar and slide onto a stool.
The bartender hurries over. “What would you like?”
“A pineapple swirl. With lots of pineapple, please.”
“Lots of pineapples coming up.” He turns and goes about making me my drink. A few moments later, he sets a frosty plastic glass in front of me.
“You can walk along the beach with that, if you want.”
“It’s okay?”
“As long as it’s in a plastic cup, you’re good, but no straws.”
“I wouldn’t dream of asking for one.” I dig into my bag and pull out a big pink rubber straw. “Because I brought my own.”
He chuckles. “Just don’t lose it.”
“Not a chance.” I sign the bill and tip him.
I stroll to the beach. The path through the resort curves along a stretch of black sand, the volcanic shore pushing up dark and glittering against the pale blue edge of the Pacific.
“God, it’s beautiful here.” I pull my hair off my neck and try to smell my beverage. A tiny scent of citrus wafts into my nose. “Nice. Now if I could taste it, that would be even better.”
I know talking to yourself is strange, so I wander barefoot at the waterline, the cold shock of each wave pulling back across my feet, grounding me completely in the present. Kauai does that. It refuses to let you be anywhere else.
“Lily.” Callum appears at the far end of the path, hands shoved into the pockets of his linen shorts. “Want some company?”
“You know I do, my handsome husband.” I switch my bag to the other shoulder. “Did you get enough sleep?”
“Yeah.” He falls into step beside me, close enough that our arms brush.
I give him a full beat to say something before I register he isn’t going to.
I peek up at him. “What’s got you in deep thought?”
“Just thinking.” He glances at my fruity liquid treat. “Why get a drink when you can’t taste it?”
“I just smelled something. Maybe I’ll start tasting things, too.”
“That would be great.”
“I know.” I stir the mixture and taste it. “Still nothing, but I’m not giving up.”
He nods. “How was class?”
“Good. How long have you been awake?”
“Since you left.” He shrugs, kicking seashells with the side of his foot. “Couldn’t go back to sleep.”
“Why?”
“Just got some things on my mind.”
I stop. “Callum, what’s bothering you?”
He drags his fingers through his hair and faces me. “Can we sit?”
“Sure.” I trek to a secluded spot with him following me, lower myself onto the cool sand, and draw my knees toward my chest. “What’s on your mind?”
He drops down beside me, elbows resting on his knees. The silence between us stretches as my stomach tightens and twists.
I think about what could be bothering him as the waves move in and out and a seagull tilts sideways in the wind overhead.
Callum turns his wedding band on his finger once, then twice, in a slow rotation. “I wanna talk about something. You know, since honesty is crucial when you’re married.”
“Okay, now you have me scared.” I take a sip of my drink and then set it down between us. “Did I do something to upset you?”
“Nah. I’m just thinking about how we got here.”
“What do you mean?”
He rests back on his palms, extends his legs, and gazes out at the water. “You have gaps in your memory, Livianna. What happens if they return?”
“It sounds like you don’t want me to remember.”
“It’s not that. I’m just…” He turns his head my way. “If I lose you again, I’m not sure I’ll make it through twice.”
“What on earth would make you believe I would leave you? I married you knowing I could remember something. But that doesn’t mean I would turn my back on you.”
“I know, but I’m afraid.” His vulnerability makes my chest cave in.
“Callum, I’m committed to you.” I reach over and place my palm on his heart. “Where is this coming from?”
He gazes out as birds call out above us. “You talk in your sleep.”
My eyes widen, and adrenaline surges up my spine. “I do?”
“Yeah, you do.”
“What did I say?”
He traces the sand with his fingertip for a few moments, the crashing of waves setting the tone. “You said Jaxon’s name.”
“What?” I twist toward Callum. “When?”
He stills himself and doesn’t make eye contact with me. “You don’t seem surprised.”
I scoot closer to him. “I don’t know why I did that.”
He gives me his full attention. “You sure about that?”
“Um…” I consider his question.
Dammit!
I do not want to tell Callum about the times I tried to kiss Jaxon and he rejected me, but I can’t get my mind off it. I’m mortified by it and haven’t been able to face him since I texted him from Las Vegas.
“Lily, just tell me.” Callum shifts and sits cross-legged across from me. “Do you have feelings for Jaxon?”
I shake my head. What else can I do when I don’t understand why I can’t release him from my thoughts?
“Lily…”
“I don’t, Callum.” I get up on my knees, placing my hands on his. “He’s been wonderful to me, and I owe him a lot. That’s gratitude, nothing else.”
“And?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Just tell me the truth.” Callum’s loving eyes connect with mine. “I’ll love you no matter what you say.”
I swallow hard, knowing this is the only way to settle Callum’s insecurities. “There have been a few times when I remembered…”
“What?”
“I tried to…” My cheeks heat. “In the past, I made advances on him, and he rejected me. If anything, I’m embarrassed and can’t shake it from my thoughts.”
“When did you start recalling these times?”
My blood pumps harder. “The first time was on the beach when I had the memory of you and Zara come back to me. The other two times just kind of appeared.”
“Why haven’t you told me about it?” Callum picks up my drink and takes a large gulp.
“That has alcohol in it.”
“I know.” He sets it down. “It’s not my drug of choice, so stop worrying.”
“I’ll always worry about you.” I try to catch his gaze. “You’re my husband, Callum. Nothing else matters.”
“Then why are you saying his name in your sleep?” He drags his teeth over his bottom lip. “On our honeymoon, no less.”
“I don’t know why, but I’m sorry.” I keep my eyes locked with his. “You know I would never hurt you like that on purpose.”
“Yeah, I know.” He turns toward the ocean. “But if you have feelings for him, I wanna know.”
“I don’t.” I stand with a chain tightening around my lungs, pick up my belongings, and my drink.
Callum peers up at me. “Where are you going?”
“Away.”
“Away from me?” He gets to his feet.
I take a step, but stop. “That’s not what I want to do, but if you keep pushing me about having feelings for Jaxon, then I want to leave. We’re here, celebrating our love. Well, at least I am.” I huff in frustration. “Why even go there?”
“I just wanna be prepared.”
“For what?” I toss my bag over my shoulder, breathing fast.
“You’re around him all the time, Livianna. Maybe you’re falling for him.”
“You’re with him just as much, so maybe it’s you who has these feelings you’re looking for.” I cringe as soon as it comes out. It’s a lame argument, but it’s all I have.
Callum’s face turns red. “I spend nowhere near the amount of time with him as you do.”
“Fine.” I stomp away. “I’m glad you brought him here with us. It would’ve been a shame to experience our honeymoon without him.”
“You’re the one who brought him, not me.”
“Whatever, Callum.” I curse under my breath as I march away from the beach and across the pool deck.
This would be a ridiculous fight if it weren’t for the heavy, warm feeling that sits in the center of my chest whenever I think about Jaxon.
I’ve told myself it’s because he’s been so good to me, and that’s true. But knowing I’ve tried to kiss him over the years and he rejected me bothers me more than I’m willing to admit. Especially to Callum.
“Lily, wait.” He runs up beside me and catches my elbow.
I stop and turn to him. “What?”
“I don’t wanna spend our time here fighting about Jaxon.”
“Then why did you start one?”
Callum’s facial expression softens. “I just love you so much, and if I lost you again, it would ruin me.”
“Okay, that’s the second time you’ve brought up losing me. Why do you think you would? And what does that have to do with Jaxon?”
Callum takes my hand and exhales a resigned sigh. “Jaxon’s a good guy. He’s the whole package, and I’d be a fool not to see that.”
“But he’s not you.” I stare warmly into Callum’s gaze. “I’m married to you, and I don’t take those vows lightly.”