Chapter 32 #2
‘That’s it!’ She grabbed his arm and he looked around, alarmed, as if worried about a possible ambush.
‘The theme! I could bring the countryside to H?tel Benjamin. Not the Paris theme – like you said, the guests are already in Paris. But something greener, bluer, more natural. Water, woods, wildlife. People could step through the door and feel like they’ve escaped all the noise and the dirt and the artificial light. ’
He was still watching her face, nodding. ‘I love it!’ he said.
‘Thank you.’ She rummaged in her pocket and pulled out her phone. ‘I’m just going to note it down before I forget it.’
‘Good idea.’ He was silent for a moment as she typed. Then, when she slipped her phone back into her pocket: ‘You know, when you had that idea, you looked kinda—’
‘What? Wild?’
‘Nah. Kind of luminous. Like you were all lit up.’
She felt a prickle of embarrassment. ‘Oh.’
‘It was good. You know, you’ve been kinda sad recently. Not just when we spoke, but before. I noticed it. In your energy, I guess. But now…’ He looked at her. ‘I feel like I can see you, do you know what I mean?’
She looked at him; their eyes locked briefly. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I think I do.’
* * *
Henri was on the sofa in the living room when she got back, scrolling on his phone. He was wearing black, but this time with the print of a band she didn’t recognise on his T-shirt. He looked up at her and smiled. ‘Hello.’
‘Hi.’ She felt suddenly shy as she sat down next to him.
‘Did you have a good day?’
‘Yeah. It was lovely actually.’
‘And you are coming tonight? There is a new club and Odette—’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’
Henri looked confused. ‘But it is Saturday,’ he said as if this explained everything.
‘I know,’ she smiled. ‘I’m just tired, I suppose. And… don’t get me wrong, I like a drink, but I think I’ve been drowning my sorrows too much recently.’
He nodded. ‘OK. You’re not sick?’
‘No. Just… old.’
He laughed. ‘Now I know you are lying!’
She touched his hand, squeezed it. For a moment, they both looked down at their joined hands. There seemed to be something unspoken between them.
‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Of course.’ Henri looked at her, his eyes bright, searching her face.
‘Might you— Do you think you might bring someone back? You know, like before?’
‘Do you want me to?’
‘No! I mean, it’s up to you, I suppose. I… guess that I’m just not that comfortable with the idea.’
He shifted towards her. ‘You want that I become your boyfriend officially?’
She paused. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t understand.’ He looked at her. ‘I feel as if you are saying goodbye.’
‘Not goodbye exactly. I’m just— I suppose I think we want different things.’
‘But we have so much fun!’
‘We do. Most of the time.’
He looked at her. He was astonishingly good-looking.
She was suddenly aware of his proximity.
An image of their nights together flashed in her mind.
But it was too complicated. There were too many lies.
And although he was a nice person, she could see now that he wasn’t the right person. Her person.
‘Just— After what happened… I suppose it made me realise that we’re not… not on the same page?’
‘But when we make love…’
‘Well, yeah.’ She looked at him. ‘But it’s not enough, really. Not enough to— for a relationship.’
He made a face, perhaps considering this. ‘Perhaps. But does it have to be a relationship? Can it not be two friends having fun?’
She shook her head. ‘Maybe that’s what you need right now,’ she said softly. ‘But I’m looking for something more than that. I’m—’ She paused, looked at him. And thought, if not now, when? ‘Like I said before, I’m a little bit older than you think I am.’
He frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
She looked at her hands, there was a little chocolate powder wedged under her thumbnail and she brushed it against her jeans to try to dislodge it. ‘Look, when I came, when I first arrived, I just wanted you guys to like me…’
She paused, looked up, saw his eyes were fixed on her, looked down again.
‘I didn’t— I didn’t actually lie. I— but I let you believe that I was twenty-something and single when I’m actually— I’m thirty-four. And I’m sort of married.’
‘You are married!’ Henri looked horrified. ‘And old!’
‘Separated. And not old. Old-ER.’
‘How old did you say again?’ he said, looking her up and down as if suspecting she might whip out a walking stick or bus pass and admit to being his grandmother’s age.
‘Oh. Only thirty-four!’
‘Bon Dieu,’ Henri looked quite pale. ‘I have been having an affair with a married woman. An older woman.’
‘I just wanted—’
‘But I do not understand how you could lie. How you could let me believe you were someone different?’
‘It wasn’t like that, it just sort of… happened. I did try to tell you. And Odette. You thought I was joking.’
‘Still,’ he shrugged huffily. ‘I feel you could have tried harder.’
‘Sorry.’
He sighed, shook his head. ‘It is OK. I have had my heart broken before. I will survive.’ He put his hand to his chest:
When you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness takes his leave.
She looked at him. ‘Isn’t that—’
‘What?’
‘Well, a teeny bit dramatic.’
He coloured. ‘It was Shakespeare.’
‘Oh.’
‘Perhaps a little bit dramatic,’ he admitted. ‘But I think I could have loved you – maybe I did a little.’
‘I know. Me too. But, I suppose, as they say, if you love someone, set them free.’
‘Shakespeare?’ he asked.
‘Sting.’