Chapter 42
NOW
The knock on the door was hesitant. Then came the voice: ‘Bella?’
Odette.
‘Hey,’ she managed.
‘Open the door?’
Bella looked around her room at the strewn clothing, the abandoned plates. ‘I can’t. I’m OK, I promise.’
For the past twenty-four hours, she’d stayed in her room, only sneaking out when she was sure they were all asleep to grab food, use the bathroom quickly, before rushing back.
After her outburst, the house had been strangely silent, and as she’d gradually calmed down, she’d felt sick with herself.
She’d burned down the hotel rooms, and now it seemed she’d set fire to her entire life.
Tomorrow she would get up properly and start to pack. Book a ticket and get out of here.
Bella felt an almost painful wash of emotion, her eyes stung from suppressing tears. She just couldn’t afford to break down any more. It was lovely – sweet – that Odette wanted to help. Especially as they hadn’t been on great terms recently. But it was hopeless; just hopeless.
‘Please.’ Odette’s voice was hesitant, nervous. ‘It’s OK. What you said. It was the truth, at least.’
‘Oh, Odette. It wasn’t. Not really. Not the way I said it. I was— It was—’
‘But it’s OK.’
There was a silence.
Bella could sense Odette still outside the door, probably wondering what to do next. But then heard her footsteps retreating across the creaky landing floor and let herself relax back onto the bed. ‘Sorry,’ she whispered, to no one.
Brad tried a little later. ‘I’ve made you a cup of tea,’ he wheedled. ‘It’s a good one. Strong, the way you like it?’
‘Thank you; I’m sorry. I just— I can’t,’ she managed.
He sighed. ‘Bella, come on. I still think we could sort this. We could at least try to salvage things. Talk to Claudine – she was upset when she fired you. She probably didn’t mean it.
And the rooms… you never know, we could make them look better.
Explain. You can’t be the only enterprise in Hotel Club that’s suffered some sort of setback. ’
The word ‘setback’ almost made her anger flare again, but she swallowed it down as best she could, ashamed of the damage she’d already inflicted.
‘I know. But she can’t afford— I used the entire budget. Insurance probably won’t pay out, and even if they do it’ll be too late. It was a now or never thing.’
‘Then why not try now? What have you got to lose?’
He was right, in that way. She hadn’t really got anything to lose.
But she also didn’t have the energy or impetus to try.
What she wanted to do was abandon the whole thing.
Get on a plane, forget about this chapter of her life.
Sort out her divorce, take the equity she’d get from the sale and reconvene.
Maybe in France. Just not in Versailles and nowhere near H?tel Benjamin.
She didn’t reply.
Eventually he set the cup down outside and, once checking the coast was clear, she collected it gratefully. It was lukewarm, but still more than welcome.
She was embarrassed in many ways; acting like a child and she knew it. But it was as if she had no fight left.
Better just to go. To get away.
* * *
She must have fallen asleep. When she woke, the sun was still streaming through the gap between the half-closed curtains, but had the golden quality it seemed to acquire in the early evening.
Footsteps sounded on the stairs; probably what had woken her.
She hoped it was Brad or Henri going to their rooms rather than anyone else trying to speak with her.
She’d promised she’d go downstairs, but in truth she was hoping to pack her things, disappear in the morning for her plane. She’d write a note, maybe call them from England.
She knew that running away was immature, wrong. That she was, after all, her father’s daughter. But that was something she’d have to unpick later. Because she simply wasn’t capable of more. She never should have thought of aiming higher.
There was a knock on the door. Not the hesitant knocks of earlier, but something more urgent: a rapping. She froze and willed the person to go away.
But they clearly had no intention to.
‘Bella!’ they called. ‘Open up now!’
She stiffened, her eyes widening with recognition.
‘Bella…’ The voice had a warning tone which snapped her into action.
She found her body obeying before her brain had a chance to catch up. Getting to her feet, she walked to the door and opened it.
Kitty was leaning against the door-frame, foot tapping with impatience. ‘For goodness’ sake, woman, I’ve been travelling most of the day. The least you could do is give me a proper welcome.’
‘Oh my God, Kitty!’ Something inside Bella crumpled and she flung herself at her sister. They embraced, holding each other tightly. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.
‘What do you think?’ Kitty replied dryly. She pushed past her sister into the room, inspecting it. Instinctively, she went to the window and opened the curtains fully. Sunlight flooded in, revealing dancing dust particles, a half-packed case. ‘Nice place,’ she said.
‘Very funny.’
Kitty shook her head, hands on hips. ‘We’d better get this lot cleaned up.’
‘Who are you? My mother?’
‘No,’ Kitty said. ‘But I suppose I’m the closest you have. And anyway, if you’re going to behave like a petulant teenager, how do you expect me to act?’
It was probably meant to be a joke, but something about it made Bella stiffen. ‘I’m not being a teenager, Kitty. Maybe you don’t know, but everything is ruined. I’ve been fired, I’ve ruined Claudine’s future, I’ve— I hurt my friends. I said some awful things.’
Kitty shook her head. ‘I know about the hotel. Why do you think I’m here?’
‘But who—?’
‘Your landlord guy. He got my number from the contract. Remember? I’m your guarantor. And from what he said, your friends are just fine. Worried about you, if anything.’
‘Oh. Well, he shouldn’t have. I’m sorting things.’
‘Yes, it really seems like it.’
They both looked at the tangled mess of food and clothing, toiletries and packing that littered the room. Then at each other. Then, as if some invisible agreement had passed between them, both began to laugh.
‘The state of this place!’
‘Looks better than the state of my life!’ Bella’s own remark dampened her laughter.
‘Talking of being someone’s mum, where’s Ty? Who’s looking after him?’ she said suddenly.
Kitty tilted her head. ‘I do have a husband, remember?’
‘He’s babysitting?’
‘He’s parenting. It’s not like—’ Kitty sighed, sat down on the bed as if devoid of energy. ‘Not all dads are like— well, like ours. Stu does his bit.’
‘I know.’
‘Dad was always a bit… hands off, even before Mum. But I mean Stu isn’t— He’s not reluctant about it, not resentful.
Doesn’t have to be told what to do. He’s a father.
It makes me think about Dad. How little he gave us.
Not money, I mean – we’re quite lucky in that way…
but of himself. I don’t feel that we ever really knew him, not properly. ’
Bella was silent. Then, ‘You’re right,’ she said.
‘Not all families are like that. I’ve realised that now even more.’
Bella nodded.
‘It affects me too, you know,’ Kitty said. ‘The Dad stuff. I know he came to my wedding, but it was only down the road from him. There was no… effort. But he never remembers Ty’s birthday, forgets him at Christmas. Sends money when he remembers… but—’
‘That’s awful.’
‘I know. I don’t mind so much when it’s me. But… I mean, it’s Ty!’
‘Poor kid.’
‘Yeah.’ Kitty shook her head. ‘Look, I didn’t come to talk about Dad, obviously. But I do think maybe having the father we had— it makes it hard to rely on anyone, doesn’t it? But I think your friends here, they can help. Brad, especially. He seems desperate to try.’
It was hard not to smile a little. ‘I know.’ Bella said. She shook her head. ‘Just— I can’t. I’m just going to go home. If you’ll let me.’
‘Of course,’ Kitty nodded. ‘You’re always welcome. But come because you want to. Not because you’re running away. Not because you’re afraid.’
‘Afraid?’
Kitty turned slightly so they were facing each other properly, still sitting on the soft duvet. ‘Bella, I know you. If you run away from this now, you won’t ever feel OK about it. Remember what we said? After Dad?’
‘I knew you were going to say that.’
‘Remember?’
Bella sighed; a schoolgirl caught out and forced to toe the party line. ‘We’d never abandon our responsibilities like he did.’
Kitty nodded.
‘But this isn’t the same! I’ve been asked to leave. Claudine told me it was over.’
‘Well, convince her it’s not.’
‘I just—’ Bella’s body slumped. ‘I can’t. I’m so tired, Kitty. I don’t even know where to start. You should have seen the rooms. They were—’ She felt a new wash of tears as she heard the truth in her own words. It was pointless. What could be done in just five days? ‘I can’t— it’s all such a mess.’
‘I know you, Bella. If you walk away from this, you’ll regret it.’
Kitty was gazing at her intently, as if she could see right through anything Bella was putting in their way. ‘Bella,’ she said. ‘Look at me.’
Bella raised her eyes.
‘You need this. You’re not incapable. You’re just afraid.’
She nodded miserably. ‘Maybe I do need this,’ she said. ‘But you’re right. I am afraid. It’s human to be scared. Human to avoid things because of it.’
Kitty was looking at her, face impassive.
‘We can’t all be like you, Kitty. We can’t all be perfect, with a perfect life.’
Kitty’s eyes widened. ‘Is that what you think of me?’ she said, her voice growing louder.
‘You think I live this perfect, stress-free, fear-free life?’ She stood up, faced Bella.
‘I’m terrified, OK? I’ve been terrified ever since Mum died – because I knew you needed me to be a grown-up, and I felt like a kid.
And even more terrified since Ty was born.
And maybe I should have shared that with you, but you— I just didn’t want to worry you. ’
‘Terrified?’
‘Yes. Terrified. Terrified something’s going to happen to you or to him, or that I won’t be enough for you.
Terrified that I’m losing myself. Terrified of going back to work, but terrified of what will happen to me if I don’t.
Me. Kitty. Not Ty’s mum. Not your sister.
Me.’ Hot, fat tears began to roll down her cheeks.
‘Oh, I know you think I have it all together. And maybe that’s an image I wanted you to see.
I thought you needed someone to depend on after Mum…
after Dad… But there. It’s not the truth. I’m scared too. All the time.’