Chapter 43
NOW
‘Here you go.’ Bella put the mug of tea down in front of Kitty who held it in cupped hands as if needing its warmth as well as its restorative powers.
Bella sat down next to her sister, put an arm around her. At first Kitty remained upright, but then something inside her seemed to break, and she slumped into Bella’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘What an outburst. Your housemates must think I’m a nightmare.’
Odette and Brad had quietly slipped out of the room when they’d come to the kitchen, Kitty still red-faced from crying. Bella was grateful for that. Clearly, they needed time on their own.
‘Don’t worry about them,’ she said. ‘They have their own stuff going on. And it doesn’t matter. What does matter is why didn’t you tell me?’
‘You were so young when Mum died. I just sort of… picked up the reins, or as much of them as I could.’
‘Yes, but Kitty, I’m thirty-four now. I can cope. I’m an adult.’
Kitty looked at her. ‘I know.’ She sipped her tea. ‘I just— I can’t seem to see you any other way than that sixteen-year-old girl who’d lost her mum too soon. Whose dad just wasn’t prepared to stick around, but ran away instead.’
Bella gripped her hand. ‘I guess I’m guilty too.
Of not realising how much you were doing.
Of taking you for granted. Your… steadiness.
I just— I always believed that you had it all figured out and that I was the one in a mess.
Your wedding, your job, Ty. You seemed to have more purpose and direction in life, and I was the one bumbling along. ’
Kitty smiled. ‘How do you think it feels to live in the same town where you grew up, to marry a guy who went to your school, get a predictable job in the city and tell everyone your sister lives in a beautiful farmhouse in France and is having an adventure? I always felt people must label me the boring one.’
‘Well, if they did, they know nothing of what it’s actually like to run a B & B. Because it’s hardly a glamorous dream life.’
‘But you love France!’
Bella looked at her. ‘I do. But just— When I was on that trip from school it was probably the best week of my life. At least, it felt like that at the time. Then I came home and Mum—’ She paused, couldn’t find the words.
‘The crash. You know. And things were never the same. I sometimes wonder if I fell in love with France or just wanted to… go back in time, you know? To how things were when I was here.’
‘But it doesn’t mean that what you’ve done, what you’ve created, isn’t special.’
Bella nodded. ‘Sometimes I wish that I’d known, back then, what would happen to Mum. Because the day before she— before the crash, I was being so bloody petulant. I was fed up being back in boring England after France and moaning about everything.’
‘Bella, you were sixteen.’
‘But I—’
‘You were sixteen. Mum had been through it all with me. She knew how it was with teens and hormones. She knew you loved her. It wouldn’t have— Honestly, you didn’t do anything wrong.’
Bella felt hot tears well in her eyes. ‘What really gets me is Mum died so young. I mean, forty is nothing, is it? When I was sixteen, it seemed like she was pretty old, that at least she’d had a good life.
That kind of thing. But the more I grow up…
I’m in my thirties and I still feel like a kid.
’ She laughed softly. ‘Mum lost so many years. We lost so many years with her. She should still be here.’
‘I know.’
‘It doesn’t seem fair that I’ve had this time, and she hasn’t, and I’ve wasted it!’
‘No, you haven’t, Bella. How can you say that?’
‘Well, what have I got to show for those years then?’ Bella challenged. ‘A divorce, a failed business and a CV so empty I had to lie to get a job. And after what Claudine said, I’ll never work in France again.’
‘Bella, you lived them.’
‘But I—’
‘You lived them,’ Kitty said firmly. ‘Not everything has to work out. But you had some wonderful times. And you’re still young. You have time to build something brand new, whatever you want!’
‘I just feel—’ Bella picked at a bit of uneven wood on the table’s surface. ‘I feel as if I’m running out of time. I mean, Mum only had six years left when she was my age. What if something like that happens to me?’
‘It won’t.’
‘I keep thinking I wish I could go back, do it better.’
‘Which is why you let Henri and Odette think you were in your twenties?’
‘Maybe on some level. But it was mostly a way of getting them to like me, I think.’
‘Oh, Bella. Well, it clearly worked. They seem to love you.’
‘You think?’
‘Look at the way Odette and Brad are falling over themselves to help you!’
Bella shrugged.
‘And Henri dated you – he must have seen something in you!’
Bella felt a little flushed, took a sip of her own tea. Then, ‘It’s just— well, if I die at forty, what will I really have done with my life?’
‘Bella. You are not going to die at forty.’
‘You can’t know…’
‘OK, well, you have maybe a 1 per cent chance. There’s a 1 per cent chance of tons of things happening, good and bad. You can’t waste time worrying about that. Which means, based on Gran’s age when she died, you probably have at least six decades left. You have all the time in the world.’
‘But Mum—’
‘Mum,’ Kitty said firmly, putting her arm around her sister, ‘would not want you to let what happened to her colour your life for the worse. She would want you to live. And you are! You have! It’s amazing what you’ve done.’
Bella felt a flush of warmth. ‘You really think so?’
‘I know so.’
‘You too, you know. I’m in awe of you most of the time.’
Kitty smiled. ‘Look at us.’
‘What a mess we’ve made.’
‘Well,’ her sister said, straightening and sounding more like herself. ‘What do we do when there’s a mess?’
‘Run away?’ Bella said hopefully.
‘We clean it up. We make order out of chaos. We make things right.’
‘I was worried you were going to say that.’