4. It’s Not You It’s Me
CHAPTER 4
IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME
JAGGER
T hey say that misery loves company but whoever said that has never met me and Cole.
Our morale has never been so low. We’ve survived rogue pucks traveling toward our heads at breakneck speed, aggressive opponents smashing us against the boards, you name it.
Turns out that Topher’s bro-code might be the thing that finally breaks us.
“Hey, headed to the arena?”
I jump when Cole comes out of the kitchen, protein shake in hand, a couple of hours before the game.
I answer his question with a curt nod. “Yeah. You scared the shit out of me, I thought you might be Bay.”
I whisper her name in fear that just uttering her name might summon her and put me in an even shittier situation than I’m already in.
He frowns. “Right, the blowjob. How did she take it that you don’t want her to do it anymore?”
I wish Cole wasn’t so nosy. “Ok. I guess.” I mutter, my eyes staring at my shoes as if they were the most interesting thing I’ve ever seen.
Cole is one of my closest friends. My closest friend on the team if you don’t count Ryker. He isn’t only nosy as fuck, he knows me better than my own parents, since he’s lived with me for the past four years.
“Jagger?” he arches one eyebrow, sidestepping to block my way out of the hallway. “What do you mean with ok? And you guess? Bay doesn’t just hook up with randos. If she hooked up with you, it means she likes you. If you made her cry, I swear to God?—”
“No, no. I tried to be as nice as possible when I texted her.”
Fuck me and my big mouth. I didn’t mean to admit that much.
Cole’s eyes widen with surprise. “You texted her?”
“Yeah,” I admit. “Look, I didn’t know what to tell her. We both know I can’t tell her the truth and I didn’t want to lie to her. I’ve been avoiding her, because every time Bay and I are alone in the same room, things get out of control and we end up naked. So I just?—”
If a look could kill, all my problems would be solved in a heartbeat and I would turn into a pile of ash on the hardwood floor of the Gamma house hallway. “You dumped Bay by fucking text?” Cole’s tone is even more murderous than his eyes.
“No, I—” I was a spineless coward and I avoided Bay all week because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we needed to end our deal.
Then I panicked, worried that she’d have questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. I ended up deciding to shoot her a text, knowing full well that she has Organic Chem lab until basically now and her professor has a strict no cell phone or smart watches policy in the lab.
If I’m lucky, by the time she sees my text, I’ll be in the locker room and without an athletic department ID, she won’t be able to come into that area of the arena.
I don’t confess any of that to Cole, because his jaw is ticking so hard right now, that I’m worried he’ll either shatter all his teeth or worse, bite my head off.
“I want to see it.” He demands, his hand extended toward me, palm facing up.
I blink, confused. “Excuse me?”
“The text,” he hisses. “Show me what you said to her.”
Fuck.
I give him my phone, wondering if the text I sent, after agonizing over it for the entire morning, is as lame as I think it is.
Judging by the look on Cole’s face when he reads it, it’s even worse than I thought.
“Are you shitting me?” he scowls at me and I deserve it.
My eyes skate over the text, as if looking at it could somehow make it better and make me look like less of an asshole.
Me :
Hey Bay, sorry for the last minute heads up but it turns out I don’t think the bj is my lucky charm after all. If you have any questions, hit me up later. It's probably easier to talk by text anyway from now on, because I’m so busy I can barely find time for anything other than classes and hockey right now. I hope you understand. It’s not you, it’s me. I promise.
Yeah, it’s worse than I thought. Re-reading it, I sound like someone who got his dick wet and moved on the second he got what he wanted.
There’s a dull pain in my chest at the thought, and I should run to the science building, wait for Bay outside her class and hope that she’ll believe a story about temporary insanity.
I can’t though. I have no doubt that if I keep seeing Bay, Topher will follow through with his threat and release my initiation video.
I can’t let that happen, no matter what. The idea of my mom seeing that is enough incentive not to wither under Cole’s furious glare.
“Jagger,” he barks. “Are you gonna fucking say anything?”
I shrug, looking away because I know he’s right but there’s nothing I can do unless I want to destroy my life and my family’s reputation. “It’s not that bad, dude. Bay and I weren’t together or anything, so I’m not dumping her by text. It was just a casual thing. I’ve ended dozens of booty call deals by text and usually none of the girls care.”
I’ve seen Cole hit people on the ice. His fists are clenched so hard that his knuckles are white and a part of me—the sick motherfucker part—wishes he did hit me because I deserve it.
“When I found out about your deal with Bay and I wanted to kick your ass, you said you wouldn’t hurt her.” He accuses me.
“And I’m not,” I lie. “Believe me bro, Bay doesn’t expect anything. I was crystal clear that we weren’t dating. Like I already told you, that’s how I’ve ended all my hookup deals.”
If I thought that would get Cole off my back, I was wrong.
“Yeah, because you usually hook up with party girls and puck bunnies. I’m not fucking judging because that’s what I used to do too. But Bay isn’t a puck bunny. She’s a relationship kind of girl. She’s dated Satan for almost three years, for fuck’s sake. This,” he jabs at my phone with such force that I’m surprised both the screen and his finger don’t shatter. “This is gonna break her fucking heart when she’s still reeling from the breakup with Topher.”
I know.
I wish I had a choice. I’ve never liked anyone as much as I like Bay Woods. It isn’t even just the explosive chemistry between us. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, incredibly driven and sexy as hell.
If her body is what drew me in after our first kiss, her personality is what made it impossible to stop thinking about her.
The truth is that I need to make Bay hate me. If I told her the truth, I’m sure she wouldn’t betray my confidence and end up getting me in trouble with Topher.
The reality is though, that I don’t trust myself to stay away from her. We would easily fall back into our deal but we’d be more careful. If there’s one thing I learned in the years I’ve lived in the Gamma house, is that nothing stays secret very long in here.
The only way to keep Topher from destroying me, is to do what he says. Bay would hate me anyway if she saw that video, so either way this thing between us would be over.
“I’m sure Bay doesn’t care enough about me to be hurt,” I conclude. “If she was even a little sad about this, that’s where you come in as her best friend.”
I turn on my heels and leave the house before Cole loses his shit for real. We still have a game to play tonight and he needs to hold onto his aggression to use it on the ice. Or at least, that’s my excuse.
JAGGER
It’s crazy how much difference a mere week can make.
The thought hits me as I scan my student ID to enter the athlete area at the arena.
Last week I walked in here hand in hand with Bay, my cock already hard at the idea of what she was going to do once I sneaked her into the locker room.
Now I just turn my phone off. I’m even more of a coward than I thought I was. It’s just that I can’t handle checking it constantly, wondering if she read my text. I need to get my head in the game and concentrate on making sure we bring home the W tonight. So I can tell the guys that our lucky rituals are nothing but silly superstitions and playing every game giving everything is what brings in victories.
It wouldn’t be bad if Tucker could finally wash his lucky pants. I swear not even the metal of his locker can contain the smell after over a year of sweating in them every single game.
My mind is so preoccupied with Bay and the upcoming game, that I barely look around, walking into the locker room on autopilot.
“Hey stranger, I heard you need to release some tension before tonight’s game.”
The feminine voice makes me crawl out of my skin, I drop my phone and keys with a start. “What the fuck—Candace? Bianca? What are you doing here?”
The brunette bunny who called the strike a few weeks ago, after I refused to turn our hookup into a date, shoots me a seductive smile. “What do you think?” she giggles, dragging a long, pointy nail down my chest and playing with the buttons of my shirt. “You need your lucky bj to win tonight’s game and we’re in the mood for some fun.”
Fuck.
Right, I was in such a tizzy over the text I sent Bay, that I had completely forgotten that Topher did say that he negotiated the end of the strike with Candace.
That motherfucker only comes through with his promises when it suits his agenda.
Usually just the mention of getting my dick sucked and the short skirts and plunging necklines of the girls’ dresses would be enough to make me rock hard.
Not tonight.
Candace grabs the buckle of my belt and sinks down to her knees, her gaze fixed onto mine.
“Why—why is there two of you in here?”
Bianca leans in to whisper into my ear. “We thought tonight you needed something special. Candace is a pro at deep throating, but balls are my specialty. We’ll make you come so hard, we’ll ruin blowjobs for you, baby.” Her warm breath tickles the shell of my ear.
She smells of stale bubblegum and something harsher, as if the mint was meant to cover the fact that she smoked right before coming here.
A wave of nausea hits me and I swear to God, my cock shrinks, trying to crawl into my asshole, as I take two steps back. I’m desperate to put some distance between me and the girls.
“No, thank you.” I say.
“Excuse us?” Their shocked expressions would be funny if this was any other night.
If my conscience wasn’t heavy enough after the way I ended things with Bay.
God, what I wouldn’t give to turn the clock back to last week and to talk to Ryker before he unwittingly ruined everything by confronting Bay at the party.
If Topher didn’t know, we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.
“Girls,” I fight to keep my tone as gentle as possible. “I’m sorry you went through so much trouble to come here looking… sexy , but I’m not feeling well today. I think I might be coming down with something, actually. It wouldn’t be fair to ask you to get so close to me and risk making you sick too.” By the end my tone is a little more enthusiastic. I’m pleased with my quick thinking.
“Aww babe,” Candace gasps. “I’m so sorry. But maybe Bianca and I can make you feel better.” She stares at my crotch, completely undeterred.
I shake my head. Right now I’d rather have my dick hit by a thousand pucks without a jock cup to protect it, rather than let these two any closer to it.
“Seriously, Candace. I think I might be sick.” I cover my mouth with my hand to show them that I mean business. I’m not even totally lying. Just the thought of letting another woman near me, makes me feel nauseous. How could I be with someone else when the only one I want has probably read my lame text and hates me by now?
While Candace looks concerned, Bianca’s eyes are narrowed suspiciously. “If you feel so sick, why are you even here? Should you be playing tonight?”
She has a point. Maybe I shouldn’t. At least like that if we lose, it won’t be my fault. I can tell myself that good luck rituals are bullshit as much as I want, but deep down hockey players are the most superstitious creatures on Earth.
“I came in here early to see if a couple of aspirin tablets and some meditation can make me feel better. If not, I’ll tell Coach that I can’t play.”
“Are you sure we can’t help you feel better?” Bianca’s offer sounds desperate.
I know puck bunnies love to hook up with hockey players. They see it as a badge of honor and after the stellar season we had last year, this pre home game blowjob has become a real tradition.
Something doesn’t add up though. The girls were quick to go on strike when Candace felt wronged by my refusal to turn our casual hookups into something more. Why are they so insistent now?
There’s only one possible answer to that question. “Girls, Topher told me he would see if you were willing to end the strike. Did he send you here today?”
Candace offers me a coy smile. “He said I should end the strike because you missed me. That if I played my cards right, I’d get to date you like I want.”
That motherfucker.
Topher convinced Candace to call off the strike by dangling what she wanted in front of her eyes. It must have been easier than taking candy from a baby.
If that’s a no brainer, I don’t understand why Bianca is here though. It’s no secret that she’s the girl Bay found in bed with Topher. Luca was Bianca’s target last year. But since our left winger went pro, the Dean’s daughter has made no mystery of her intentions to replace Bay as the other half of Star Cove College power couple.
I never liked this girl. Too catty and manipulative to even consider hooking up with her. Luca made that mistake once and he couldn’t shake her, not even after he got together with Lakyn.
If I want to get the truth from her, I need to keep my tone kind. “Bianca, what about you? Look, I’m flattered you’re here but I thought you and Topher were an item?”
I know I struck a nerve when her lips flatten into a bitter line. “We’re not, or at least not yet. We’ve just been hanging out, but I told him clearly that I want more. He said this was a test of my loyalty and if I went through with it, he would take me to the Dean’s charity gala as his date and we would make it official. So I’m here.”
Holy shit.
I thought Topher was the devil after he invoked the bro-code to make Bay untouchable, but this? This is what my philosophy teacher at my prep school would call Machiavellian.
Topher has made no mystery that he wants to get back together with Bay.
It’s no secret that he was always threatened by Bay’s close friendship with Cole. Of course the threat of throwing my best friend out of the Gamma house if he doesn’t stay in the friend zone is effective because of Cole’s financial situation.
I must have looked like an even bigger threat because money isn’t a factor in my decisions.
Our frat president is aware of how embarrassed I am by my initiation video, so I suppose this is his insurance policy to make sure I don’t say fuck the video and ignore his ridiculous bro-code.
Getting a blowjob from Candace would make Bay look at me under a different light, but having Bianca go down on me?
That would be the kiss of death not only for any chance to turn my deal with Bay into more than a casual thing, Bay would never even look at me again if I hooked up with the girl Topher cheated with.
However I look at the situation, Topher has me by the balls. If I let Bianca and Candace blow me, I’ll lose Bay forever. If he releases that video, not only Bay will never want to be with me again, I’ll also tarnish my family’s name.
Whatever I do, Topher wins at least one part of the battle. In his arrogant delusion, he doesn’t realize that Bay will never give him a second chance no matter what.
Guilt twists my insides. Not because I’m thinking about letting Candace and Bianca have their wicked way with me.
I’m not tempted, not even a little bit. I feel bad that what I’m about to do will fuck up the team’s winning streak.
“Girls, I need you to do me a favor,” I use my most charming smile. “I need you to let everyone believe that you gave me that blowjob. Especially Topher.”
They look at me as if I had sprouted two heads. “Come again?” Candace blinks, confused.
“Why would we do that?” Bianca sounds more suspicious.
I can’t tell them that I’m a complete moron who caught feelings for his friend with benefits. “Because I don’t want the fact that I’m not feeling well to impact on the team’s performance tonight,” I lie. “And I don’t want to embarrass the two of you. This has nothing to do with you two, it’s complicated and it’s my own problem.”
Fuck, I can’t believe I used “it’s not you it’s me” twice in one day as an excuse.
“Fine,” Bianca shrugs. “As long as I get what I want, suit yourself. But you’re missing out, Jagger.”
Candace doesn’t look convinced. “So Bianca gets to prove her loyalty to Topher, but what about me? If we don’t blow you, how am I going to win you over and get you to take me on a date?”
The words tumble out of my mouth before I can think about the consequences of my offer. “I’ll take you on a date. Tonight. You can be my date at the Gamma party after the game.”
Candace’s eyes light up like a kid on Christmas Day. “Yay! We’re going to have so much fun, Jugs.”
I flinch at the use of that horrible nickname. “Yeah, but remember. I’m not feeling well, so we’re just going to hang out. I don’t want to get you sick.”
Once again Candace isn’t deterred by that. “You’re so sweet to worry about me. I’m going to take care of you.”
I nod, putting on a smile despite feeling dead inside.
When Bay hears that I got the blowjob after I rejected her, and sees me at the party with Candace, she’ll have no choice but to move on.
My family’s name will be safe because if Bay thinks I let Bianca Williams touch me, whatever there was between us will be well and truly dead.
I should feel relieved, but I don’t. I keep telling myself that I’m doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. After all, I wasn’t lying when I told Bay that I’m not a relationship kind of guy. Even if Topher hadn’t gotten in the way, I know I would have found a way to fuck things up sooner or later.
If you love someone, set them free.
The saying comes to my mind out of nowhere.
Love. Is that what I feel for Bay? If it is, it hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Maybe this is for the best for both of us.
“Come on girls,” I let them wrap their arms around my waist. “Let me walk you out. The other players will start arriving any second now.”
I fight to keep that phony smile on my face. I better work hard to play the part of a guy who just got head from two puck bunnies, or no one will believe it.
“Jagger.” Bay is a few steps away from the locker room door when the girls and I come out.
Her eyes track their arms around me before traveling up the length of my body to settle on mine.
“Hey Bay,” I struggle to sound casual. “Are you lost? The girls here were just leaving, you can walk out with us if you want.”
The look on Bay’s face is hard to read.
To my relief, she doesn’t cry. “Yeah,” she bites out. “I don’t know what I’m doing here. Clearly .” She puts emphasis on the last word.
We walk in silence until we reach the main hallway that leads to the arena entrance.
“I better go get ready for the game,” I say to no one in particular.
“Of course. Good luck tonight Jugs.” Bianca winks, licking her lips suggesting what Bay probably already thought. “We’ll be out there rooting for you. Go Knights!”
My chest hurts when Bay turns on her heels without a word and walks away, her blonde ponytail swinging with her brisk pace.