Chapter 28 Claire
Claire
I have a splitting headache, my limbs feel like they’re made of lead, and even though I’m just waking up, I want to sleep for an eternity.
But as I slowly blink open my eyes, I look around my bedroom and see…Ryan, sitting on the floor and leaning against my bed.
Ryan is here.
Why is Ryan here?
He turns and looks at me. “Hey, sleepyhead,” he says softly. “How are you feeling?”
“What are you doing here?” I try to sit up, but my headache sends me right back down to my pillow with a groan.
“Take it easy,” he says. He stands, and his fingers start massaging my scalp. Oh, man, does that feel good. “I’ve been here all day. You…you don’t remember?”
I rack my brain for any recollection, but I’m drawing a blank. “What day is it? What time is it?”
“It’s four in the afternoon on Monday.”
I give my head a little shake. “Huh?”
“I guess your mom wasn’t kidding about the NyQuil,” he murmurs.
NyQuil. Now it’s coming back to me. I did take some last night around midnight, when I couldn’t sleep from the headache and knew I had to teach in the morning.
Oh, no. Teaching.
“Did I miss work?!” I ask Ryan, my voice a lot higher-pitched than usual.
He chuckles and kneels next to the bed. “You did. But everything’s fine. That’s how I knew something was wrong, so I grabbed the spare key in the planter and let myself in. I called Grace and Christopher and let them know, and Janet too, so everything’s taken care of.”
“I’ve never missed a day of work.”
“I know.” His fingers keep massaging my head, soothing my mind from the panic. I can already feel my heart rate slowing down. “But everything’s fine. You can rest.”
I want to stay awake. I want to ask more questions and understand what’s going on. But I’m so tired. And his fingers feel like heaven. My eyes flutter shut and I drift off to sleep.
When I wake again, it’s pitch dark, and I feel an insane urge to use the restroom. My head hurts, but not as bad as before. My nose is completely stuffed, and my body aches, but I swing my legs over the edge of my bed and stumble in the dark toward the bathroom.
“Claire?” Ryan’s voice calls out from my living room.
Ryan. He’s still here.
“Yeah?” I call back.
“You okay? Do you need help?”
“Nope. Definitely not. Just going to the bathroom.”
“I’m here if you need me.”
I reach the bathroom and turn on the light. After handling my business, I wash my hands and get a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Oh, goodness. I look like a wreck. My hair is partly in a messy bun, but about a third of it has come loose and hangs by my neck. I’m wearing a fluffy purple robe over a sweater and pajama pants, all mismatching, my eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and my stuffy nose is clown red.
Fabulous.
I’m shocked Ryan didn’t go running when he looked at me.
“Claire? You okay?” he calls again.
“Yep. Just washing up, then I’ll get back in bed. No need to help.”
But I hear some rustling in the living room, then footsteps in my direction. “I bet you’re dizzy,” he says through the closed door. “I’ll help you back to bed.”
He’s not wrong; I am dizzy. So dizzy, in fact, that I don’t even want to try to fix my hair. But dang it, I do not want him to see me like this. “Nope. I’m good.”
“Claire. Let me help you.”
I heave a sigh. “Ryan, I look like a monster.”
He snorts a laugh. “And I’m sure you feel even worse. Don’t worry. I’m not easily scared.”
I turn off the light to reduce his ability to see me and open the door slowly. “You’re sure?” I ask, poking my head through the door.
I’m met with his famous grin, melting my heart. “I’m sure. Come on.”
I open the door the rest of the way, and he holds out his arm for me to lean on. I’ll admit, it’s nice to have his support.
“Why are you still here?” I ask as we shuffle back to my room.
“I wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything or accidentally fall,” he says. “I had this flu back in December, and I’m ashamed to admit how much I needed Aaron.”
I chuckle. “Did he make you soup?”
“He did. You know how much he loves to feed me.”
“I bet he loved that.”
“Yeah, especially after I infected him, too.”
We’re quiet the rest of the way to my bed. I lie back down, and Ryan pulls the covers over me, then smooths my hair again. “You need anything?”
My throat feels like sandpaper. “Water?”
He nods and bends down, grabbing his water bottle from the ground.
“Why am I drinking from your water bottle?” I ask.
“You said yours was missing.”
“Oh.” I take a long sip, something stirring in my stomach that feels an awful lot like butterflies. I must still be delirious. Then I lower myself onto my bed with a groan. “I feel awful.”
“I know. Go to sleep. I’ll be here if you need anything.” He runs his fingers across my forehead, the motion making my eyelids heavy.
I’m too tired to argue with him. Besides, it’s actually really nice knowing he’s here. I fall asleep faster than I expected in the comfort of Ryan’s presence.
When I wake again, it’s light outside. I’m still halfway in a dream, and it takes some time to emerge from it.
A dream where Ryan and I were…married.
In my dream, we were waking up together in bed, his hair all rumpled and messy, and I was in his arms. And then…
a kid ran into the bedroom. Our kid? It must have been, because he or she (the dream was too fuzzy for me to see clearly) jumped on top of him and squealed, “Daddy!” And I felt disappointed that I didn’t get a morning kiss from Ryan, but my heart also melted at Ryan with his child.
Our child.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I cannot be having thoughts like this about Ryan.
Can I?
I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling.
Something in my gut tells me I’ve known this all along, that I’ve had a little crush on him this whole time.
But I’ve squashed my feelings, buried them way, way down, knowing that nothing could ever happen with him.
That I’m going to be with Zach, and that’s that.
But my subconscious came out swinging last night. All his caretaking must have thrown me off.
My heart starts racing, and I panic a little.
Am I in love with Ryan? No. Right? There’s no way I could be in love with him while I’m engaged to someone else.
That would make me a despicable human being.
It’s just a little sort-of crush. Like the students in his class, the women who daydream about him but go off to their real-life boyfriends and don’t give him a second thought.
Except I AM giving Ryan a second thought. More than a second thought. A whole dream…a future.
I stumble out of bed, feeling super hungry, which I think is a good sign. I hear clanging in the kitchen, so I head in that direction. I need to sort out my feelings about Ryan.
When I get to the kitchen, the sight of Ryan cooking at the stove stops me in my tracks. It’s like my dream has come to life. My stomach flutters. That shouldn’t be happening when I’m engaged to someone else.
“Claire Bear!”
Ryan and I turn our heads to the living room, where Zach sits on the couch.
Zach is here, too.
Zach stands and rushes me, giving me a huge hug that makes me stumble. “I was so worried about you.”
“I’m doing okay,” I say into his jacket, the words coming out muffled.
He pulls back and holds me by the shoulders. “You look pretty terrible.”
I press my lips together in a semblance of a sarcastic grin. “Yeah, well, I felt like I was dying.” I look over at Ryan, who’s watching this interaction without an expression on his face. “Thanks to Ryan, I’m doing a little better.”
Ryan holds my gaze. “It was my pleasure.”
“Well, I can take over from here,” Zach says.
Ryan waves the spatula in our direction and turns back to the stove. “Just finishing up some breakfast for you, and then I’ll head out.”
My heart sinks as he says that. I don’t want him to leave. And it’s not just because he’s been such a good caretaker. It’s because I want him.
“Come sit,” Zach says, pulling out a chair at the table for me. I hobble over and take a seat. I’m still so exhausted, I just want to get back in bed. But I don’t want to miss the last few minutes of Ryan being here.
Zach talks about his weekend with Tyson, how they had such a great time in Palm Desert, and my head spins. I want to fold my arms on the table and put my head down, but that seems a little overdramatic.
Ryan turns around from the stove a minute later, and I look up at him. He rushes over and holds out his hand to me. “You need to get back in bed.”
I put my hand in his and let him pull me up gently, but Zach rushes over to my side and slings his arm around my waist, holding me roughly. “I got you, Claire.”
There’s a momentary standoff between the two of them, where my hand is still in Ryan’s grasp but my body is next to Zach’s.
But Ryan knows his place, and he drops my hand and nods.
He wipes his hands on the towel hanging from the dishwasher.
“There’s food in the fridge. I made soup and salad—watch out, it’s got a lot of garlic—and there’s a bunch of fruit and electrolyte drinks, too.
” He looks at me, then at Zach, then back at me.
“I’ll see you later, Claire. Let me know if you need anything. ”
He raises a hand as a wave and heads out the front door. His eyes linger on me for half a second, and then he’s gone. An ache fills my chest at his absence.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Zach says. “I got you now.”
Great.