Chapter 29 Claire
Claire
It takes me all week to recover from the flu.
Zach stayed with me for a few hours on Tuesday, but he was getting weirdly emotional, so I sent him home.
It was a really unusual display from him.
He wasn’t actually doing anything to take care of me, just moping around my apartment.
That kind of energy wasn’t helping me recover.
He told me to call if I needed him, but I didn’t want to take him up on that offer.
Especially not when I was so confused about the feelings for Ryan that came bubbling up to the surface.
I wish I could have used this time to work on my book.
This was prime quiet time, alone at home, with no work distractions.
You’d think I’d be able to make progress.
But nope. My flu-riddled brain couldn’t handle my imaginary world of teenagers and love triangles, so I ended up binge-watching The Big Bang Theory instead.
So I’ve spent this whole week in bed, watching shows and thinking about Ryan and Zach and my future and my feelings and having moments of WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
Just typical thoughts that should come up when you’re engaged, right?
Or maybe not. Shawna said she never had a second thought about marrying Joshua.
By Friday night, I’m feeling well enough to go to my parents’ house for dinner. I’m still easily exhausted, and my brain is a little foggy, but I’m looking forward to finally having some time to sit and relax with my family.
And maybe get some clarity on this situation.
As I drive my car to my parents’ house, I try to sort through my confusion.
So what if I had some romantic feelings for my best friend?
It was just a dream. And of course my mind was all muddled because of the NyQuil and the fever.
Add on the caretaking Ryan did—smoothing my hair down, making me food, helping me into bed…
I let out a dreamy sigh before I can catch myself.
Yikes.
But then there’s Zach. Steady, reliable Zach. Well, reliable in the sense that he’s always been himself with no intention of changing.
I’m supposed to marry him.
But what if I don’t?
I park my car in front of my parents’ house and take a moment to explore that possibility. What if we don’t get married? What if I just called the whole thing off? How would I feel?
The first, and most overwhelming, feeling is…
Relief.
All-consuming, relax your shoulders, no more stress relief.
Just like when I wanted to talk to him after the engagement party.
And that tells me there must be something wrong with the current situation.
With a sinking stomach, I get out of my car, walk up the pathway to my childhood home, and step inside.
“Hey, guys!” I call out, kicking off my shoes.
“Hey, hon,” Mom says. “I’m in the kitchen.”
I pass my dad, who raises his hand in greeting while he’s watching more Rush concerts on the TV, and sit on the barstool at the kitchen counter with my mom. She hands me a cutting board, knife, and cucumbers, and I start chopping for a salad. “This is a big bowl,” I comment.
“Mike, Julie, and Zach are coming, too,” she says.
Oh, no. My stomach sinks even further. I didn’t know they were coming this time. I thought it was just us. I pause a moment, my knife in the air. I swallow hard, make a cut down the middle of the cucumber, and start talking. “Mom? Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, sure.” She adds rice to the pot and stirs.
“When you were engaged to Dad, did you have…thoughts?”
“Thoughts?” She furrows her brow. “Like what?”
“Like…if you were making the right decision?”
She stops stirring for a minute and looks at me. “Are you having second thoughts about Zach?”
My face flushes hot, and I keep my head down and just shrug.
She sighs. “Sure, I had second thoughts.”
I pop my head up and raise my eyebrows. “Really?”
She gives a sideways grin and nods. “Everyone does. You’re promising yourself to someone for the rest of your life. It’s a scary thing. We wouldn’t be mathematicians if we didn’t consider all the pros and cons before making such a serious decision.”
Okay. That kind of makes sense.
“You’re like me, Claire,” she says. “Me, you, and Dad. We’re math people.
We consider all the possibilities and options before feeling completely certain about our choices.
It’s a blessing and a curse. Sometimes we overthink decisions that shouldn’t be so difficult.
” She steps closer to me and puts a hand on my shoulder, and I set the knife and cucumber down so I can look at her.
“Zach is the one for you. Dad and I can see it. No one knows you like he does, and you’re great together.
You’re just getting cold feet because you’re being logical and thinking about it.
Don’t worry so much.” She gives my shoulder a squeeze and heads back to the stove, clicking her tongue and complaining that she almost burned the rice.
Is she right? Am I just overthinking this? That would fit my personality description. Logical, orderly, imagining all the scenarios and writing to-do lists so I’m prepared for everything.
The front door opens, and I hear Mike, Julie, and Zach’s voices in the entryway. Mike sits with Dad, while Julie and Zach come into the kitchen. Just like always.
“Hey, babe,” Zach says, squeezing my shoulder. “You look way better.”
“Yeah. I feel better.”
He laughs and looks at our moms. “You should’ve seen her on Tuesday. She looked awful.”
“Thanks,” I say, cutting my eyes at him.
“Sorry, sorry,” he says quickly, kissing me on the cheek. “You’re always beautiful. It just showed how bad you felt.”
“I guess that’s true,” I say.
His face is still close, and he presses his lips against mine in an unexpected kiss.
“What’s that for?” I ask.
He pulls back a couple of inches, his eyes searching mine for a moment.
“I was really worried about you,” he says softly.
“When you were super sick on Tuesday, and I was there with you, I started thinking about what life would be like if something happened to you…” He swallows hard, and I see the concern for me clouding his eyes.
I blink a few times, nearly getting choked up myself at his unusual display of emotions.
He gathers himself and smiles widely at me. “I don’t want to wait anymore to get married. Let’s make it happen. June.”
I hear our moms squeal, but I can’t take my eyes off of Zach.
Tears form in my eyes at his sudden outburst. This isn’t the Zach I’ve known my whole life, where the only things that get him truly excited are baseball games and business ideas with Tyson.
For a moment, I don’t recognize him, but in a way that makes hope flutter in my chest. “Really?” I manage to say.
He nods. “Really. June…I don’t know, whatever the first Saturday is in June. I want to marry you, Claire. I don’t want to be without you.”
I let out a shaky breath. This is what I was waiting for, right? A reason to feel settled with him?
“Okay,” I say softly, nodding. “Let’s get married in June.”
Our moms cheer and hug, and Zach wraps me up in one of his big bear hugs. I’m happy, I really am, but I also feel…guilty.
Just thirty minutes ago, I felt relief at the idea of breaking our engagement. How awful is that? Should I talk to Zach about it? Does he need to know that I felt this way?
As he pulls back, his eyes glowing with joy, I know the answer is no.
I was just confused after Ryan took care of me, with the added emotions of being around Shawna and her baby. That’s all.
Why would I break off the engagement over some fleeting doubts? I have a man who’s ready to promise me forever, and I know he truly cares about me. That’s not something everyone gets to experience in their lifetime.
Maybe he’s not the best caretaker, and maybe he doesn’t offer me his jacket when I’m cold.
Maybe his touch doesn’t send shivers down my spine, and maybe I don’t get excited every time he walks in the door.
But he’s loyal and wants to commit to forever with me.
He’s a decent person. I have to calculate the odds of what I have and appreciate that even a relationship with our foundation isn’t something you come across every day.
But I can’t be engaged to Zach and still harbor these feelings for Ryan.
I need to make sure I keep my distance from him to protect my relationship with Zach. If that means doing some extra work this weekend, I’ll do it.
Because that’s the only logical solution.
Right?