Chapter 36
Claire
I give myself a fifteen-minute pity party before deciding I need to go home. Crying in the most gorgeous gown I’ve ever worn is not an experience I’d like to prolong. Unfortunately, my purse is still inside the gala, which includes my wallet and keys.
I stand, wiping the last tears off my face, and try to find an inconspicuous way to enter the ballroom to retrieve my purse. It’s hanging off the corner of my chair, just a few feet away from the entrance, but there’s a crowd of STEM professors standing there.
And Christopher.
He takes one look at me standing in the doorway and excuses himself from his group, then heads toward me. Great. Just who I want to talk to—the wacky toga-wearing department chair of Coastal Vista Community College.
But his eyes are soft, and so is his voice. “Hey, Claire. You okay?”
My eyes fill with tears again, and I just shake my head.
“What do you need?” he asks, and his gentle hand on my shoulder almost breaks me.
I point at my chair. “I left my purse hanging there, and I need to leave.”
“I got you.” He rushes back inside, toga flapping around him, grabs my purse off the chair, and brings it back to me. “Anything else? Some water?” He gives a silly grin. “A song?”
I shake my head. “Thanks for the offer. But I’m going home.”
He nods. “I’m sorry, Claire.” He pauses for a moment. “I hope whatever happens, you and Ryan are okay.”
“What do you know?” I ask him.
He presses his lips together. “Just what I can see.”
I bite my lip. Who else knew how Ryan felt? Was I that oblivious? Should I have seen the signs and…what? What would I have done if I had known?
“I have to go,” I say. I give a quick wave and turn in the other direction, hightailing it to my car. I just need to go home and be distracted from my soap-opera of a life.
When I walk in the door, Annie is sitting on my couch with my laptop on her lap. “Hey! How was the—oh, no.” Her grin falls, and her eyes widen as she takes in my appearance. “What happened?”
I throw my purse over the couch and take a seat, throwing my feet up on the ottoman. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
She’s silent for a moment. “You sure?”
I nod. I need to process what happened before I can get anyone else’s opinion. But being with Annie should be a good distraction from my heart.
“Well, in that case. I have a question for you.” She turns the laptop around with a flourish. “What exactly is ‘Double Lives FINAL FOR REAL THIS TIME’?”
Crap.
Not my book.
I know I just said I wanted a distraction, but why does it have to be THIS? My one secret I’ve kept from my family, the one thing that’s felt like mine and mine alone?
I bolt up and grab the laptop from her. “How did you find this?”
“Uh, it was on the screen when I turned it on.”
I slam the computer shut, my heart racing. “It’s none of your business!”
She tilts her head. “It’s really good, Claire. Like, really good. I can’t stop reading.”
“Too bad. You have to stop.”
“But does she choose Clark or Dane? How does she bring down the System?”
“Annie! I said stop!” Hot, angry tears make a reappearance. I’ve lost all ability to control my emotions. I’m usually so proud of myself for staying cool under pressure, just like Mom and Dad, but after Ryan’s confession, and now with Annie finding my book, I’m losing my head.
My outburst makes Annie drop her mouth open. “Claire. Why are you so afraid of anyone reading this?”
Not anyone, I think. I let Ryan read it. And Ryan loved it, too.
As if reading my mind, she asks, “Who knows about this?”
I shake my head.
“No one?”
I don’t say anything. I don’t want her to know about Ryan and what he means to me.
Meant to me.
She scoots closer, a little tentative. “I bet you could publish this. I have friends who are authors, some of them self-publish and some have agents. I could get you in contact with them—”
I shake my head, cutting her off. “I’m not trying to turn this into anything.”
“Why not?”
“Because…” I wave a hand around. “It’s pointless, you know? I have a good job already. I’m not trying to quit or anything. It’s just something I’m doing for fun.”
“Then why did I find a query letter in your files?”
“You were snooping?” I clench my jaw, furious at the invasion of my privacy.
“Claire, this is clearly something you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about, and it makes you happy. What’s wrong with that?”
“Because it’s just some dumb hobby.”
Annie narrows her eyes at me. “You’re hiding the best parts of yourself from everyone. And that includes you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She gestures at the computer. “This is fantastic. You are fantastic. But you’re letting yourself fit into this mold of who you think you’re supposed to be. Or maybe it’s what other people think you should be.”
I don’t say anything. I’m still reeling from Ryan’s confession, which feels an awful lot like Annie’s accusation. Why do both of these things have to come up on the same night?
She sits back, folding her arms over her chest. “They’re keeping you down, Claire. Mom, Dad, Zach. You’re letting them hold you back.”
“They’re not.” I fix her with a glare and repeat myself. “They’re not. I’m happy. I have a great job that I love, and I’m getting married in two weeks. Things couldn’t be better.”
She scoffs. “Sure. You’re getting married to Zach. He’s a moron, and you’re not even in love with him.”
“Yes, I am,” I hiss.
“No, you’re not. You know you haven’t brought him up once since I’ve been here?
It’s like he’s a secondary piece to the wedding.
Do you understand what you’re doing, getting married to him?
He’s going to be your partner, for the rest of your life.
Every decision will be made with him and for him.
There’s no getting out of it.” She sits forward again and takes my hand in hers, her voice turning to pleading, and I get a flashback of Ryan doing this exact same thing.
“Claire, please think about what you’re doing.
Marriage isn’t about pleasing other people.
If you’re not positive that he’s the one you can’t live without, then why would you tie yourself to him for the rest of your life? ”
I pull my hand out of her grasp. “So what am I supposed to do?” I throw back at her. “Ditch everyone who loves me without an explanation, leaving a quick note that says I can’t take this anymore?”
The pain in her expression almost makes me apologize. Because we’ve never discussed what she did when she turned eighteen and how it broke me and our parents.
But I don’t want her to sit here and lecture me about my choices when she isn’t exactly my role model.
We stare at each other for a moment, the tears in her eyes mirroring the ones forming in mine. But sudden exhaustion takes over my body, my shoulders slump, and I can’t do this anymore.
“I’m going to bed,” I say, using my last bits of energy to stand and brush off my dress.
“Do you want me to leave?” she asks. Her voice breaks.
Do I? In a way, yes. I don’t want to see her in the morning and glimpse a reminder in her eyes of what she thinks about my choices. But I shake my head. I can’t turn my sister out. “No, it’s fine. You can stay.”
She nods, and I turn and head back to my bedroom. I take off the dress and wash my face, even though most of my makeup is already gone from all the crying I’ve been doing. Then I climb into bed, my mind spinning.
I wish I had a response to Annie’s concerns.
I wish I could tell her she’s wrong about Zach, that I can’t imagine my life without him.
But the problem is that I CAN. And I DID.
After the engagement party, and again right before he set the date.
I imagined a life without him and felt relief. Freedom. Contentment.
Now, after tonight, I have to imagine a life without Ryan. Because he told me that choosing Zach would mean losing our friendship.
Thinking about that—imagining a life with no pink sticky notes, no snarky comments during department meetings—makes me feel sick.
I thought I was done crying, but the sobs reappear, and I cry myself to sleep.