Chapter 35 Claire
Claire
Ryan pushes the doors of the ballroom open, and I take in a deep breath of the night air.
This evening has been everything I hoped it would be. I’ve let myself enjoy being with Ryan, not overthinking anything. Because he’s my friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I can have fun with him, being silly and laughing and cracking jokes, without it meaning anything else.
I can also notice how incredibly handsome he is, right? How the blue in his suit brings out his eyes, and how the cut of his jacket highlights his lean but muscular surfer physique?
We step out into the warm air, and Ryan leads us around the corner to a semi-private spot.
I ignore the way my heart is racing at his nearness and chalk it up to all the dancing we’ve done.
I’ll pretend I didn’t notice his eyes when he saw me tonight, the way his gaze lingered on my dress and the fire in his expression when he looked up at my eyes.
The same way he’s looking at me now.
“I haven’t had this much fun in months,” I say lightly, still a little out of breath. I look at Ryan, expecting to see him with a big smile on his face, but he looks unusually serious. “Ryan?”
His eyes look straight into mine, and he shoves his hands in his pockets.
And his words wipe the smile off my face. “I’m in love with you, Claire.”
I feel my mouth drop open and my eyes widen, my levity completely shattered into shock.
We stand there staring at each other, and I try to think of what I’m supposed to do or say right now. But Ryan fills the silence. “Look, I know this isn’t what you expected. Or maybe it is?” He inhales sharply. “Do you… Do you remember what you said to me? When you were sick?”
I’m still mute. I shake my head.
“You said we made a good team. You said we were different people, but that we worked well together.”
“Yeah, but that just means we’re good friends,” I say softly, finally finding my voice.
“And then you said we’d make pretty babies, prettier than Shawna’s baby, whatever that means. And that I’d make a good father, and Zach wouldn’t.”
I wince. I have no recollection of saying that, but unfortunately, the words ring true.
Ryan steps toward me. “Claire, I’ve known how I feel about you since the day we met.
You’re my perfect match in every way. But you told me you had a boyfriend, and I’ve just been waiting, biding my time until you finally realize that he wasn’t the one for you.
That I am. But then you got engaged and I got scared and started dating, and then Chase told me to go for it, and—”
“You told Chase about this?”
Ryan pauses. “That’s not important. The point is that I’ve been waiting for you for three years, and I can’t let another minute go by without telling you how I feel.
That no one out there holds a candle to you.
That watching you be with someone else is slowly killing me, and if you married him without knowing how I feel, once and for all, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. ”
My heart is pounding out of my chest, and my lungs feel like they can’t get enough air. I reach around and find a rail behind me, leaning my back against it. I press my hands to my stomach, trying to take breaths in and out.
Ryan reaches a hand out to my waist, steadying me. “Are you all right?”
“I just need a minute.”
To his credit, he waits patiently. He doesn’t move his hand from my waist, though, and I feel it burning through my dress to my skin.
Okay. Okay. I can think through this logically.
Just a few weeks ago, I admitted to myself that I’ve had a crush on him for the last few years and felt like I needed to pull away. But that was just a little crush. It wasn’t love. That would be absolutely ridiculous. I can’t be in love with someone other than my fiancé.
Maybe Ryan’s just exaggerating his feelings for me.
“Are you sure?” I ask him. “Maybe you just have a crush. And—”
His grip tightens on my waist as he shakes his head, sending a shiver down my spine. “This isn’t a crush. It’s not infatuation. It’s not like. It’s not even just a little more than like. This is love. It’s all-consuming, keep you up at night, think about you all day love.”
My throat tightens. The passion and heat in his gaze, backed by his words, fill me with certainty. This is my best friend. I know him, and what he’s saying is true.
I try to take inventory of my feelings. What do I feel for him?
My eyes drift down to my hands, and my ring shines despite the low lights.
My ring.
My big, stupid, fake engagement ring. The reminder that I’m supposed to get married to Zach.
That he is the one I’m promised to be with, not Ryan.
No matter what Ryan feels for me. He knows this.
Ryan knows about my engagement, but he’s still pushing me.
How could he put me in this position, when he knows what’s at stake?
I look back up at Ryan, anger brimming under the surface. “What are you expecting to happen?” I ask him. “That I’d break up with Zach and be with you instead?”
He lets go of my waist and takes a step back. “I… I don’t know. I just needed to tell you.”
My hands ball into fists. “That’s so unfair. How could you do that to me?”
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I just can’t keep it inside anymore.”
“Well, I won’t break it off.” My voice sounds firmer than I feel. “I’m marrying Zach.”
“Why?” His voice raises, and he runs a hand through his hair. His eyes are wide, like he’s surprised by my response. “There’s no way you think that’s the right call here.”
“How can you say that?” I ask, raising my voice in return. “Zach and I have been together for years. I can’t just throw that away.”
“Yeah, but why have you been together for years? Because you haven’t taken a moment to think about what you’re doing.
You’ve just been floating along, doing what everyone else wants you to do without thinking about what you want.
” He takes my hands in his. I can feel his desperation seeping through his grasp, his energy racing from my fingers deep into my core.
“You know what else you told me when you were sick?”
Oh, no.
I feel my anger turning into something less fiery, making me feel sick to my stomach.
“You said you were thinking about breaking up with Zach after the engagement party. You said the idea of breaking the engagement made you feel relieved. Somewhere, deep inside, you know it isn’t right to be with him. I know it, and I think you do, too.”
I’m silent, because he’s not wrong. Stupid NyQuil. And the last of my righteous indignation fades away.
Ryan grips my hands a little tighter, as if I’ll disappear if he doesn’t hold on tight enough. “If you tell me you love him, that you truly believe a life with him will be better than a life with me, I’ll drop this. I’ll walk out of your life, and I’ll never bring it up again.”
I bite my lip. “Why can’t we stay friends?” My voice quavers, and I realize I’m on the verge of tears.
He shakes his head. “I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t just be your friend. I want to be more than that.
I want to be everything to you.” His eyes brim with unshed tears.
“I want to be the one who brings you coffee in bed every morning. I want to be there to take care of you when you’re sick, and not because I found out that you didn’t come to work, but because I’m right there with you when you start to feel a sore throat.
” He huffs a laugh despite the tears shining in his eyes.
“I want to make pretty babies with you, and be the father of your children. I want to share every minute with you, not just the moments I get with you at work, but every drive home, every dinner, every night, and every morning.” He squeezes my hands even tighter.
“I want you, Claire, and I don’t want to share you with anyone else.
If I have to watch you go home to someone else every night…
” His jaw clenches and he swallows. “I can’t do that. Not anymore.”
My tears are falling freely now. “How can you ask me to choose?” I finally whisper. “You’re holding our friendship hostage?”
“I can’t just be your friend,” he says. “And if you’re going to choose a future with Zach, then you need to know that it won’t include me.”
I swallow hard, looking up at his face. His dumb, handsome, earnest face that’s desperately trying to convince me to be with him.
If I had met Ryan when I was single and there was no Zach, there’s no question in my mind that we would have been together. Especially not after this passionate speech.
But that’s not the reality I live in now. My life is with Zach. Just the thought of breaking off the engagement when we’ve made all the plans, and my mom and Julie and our dads are so happy… I can’t do this to them. I can’t break Zach’s heart. I can’t be that girl who calls off the wedding.
I press my lips together and shake my head slightly. “I… I don’t…”
Ryan knows my answer before I even finish my sentence.
Is it a testament to the fact that he knows me better than anyone?
But his hold on my hands loosens, and he takes a step away from me and nods.
“Okay.” I see his hand casually wipe under his eye, and he looks away for a moment.
When his gaze meets mine, it’s resigned. “Goodbye, Claire.”
There’s nothing I can say. I just watch him leave, his footsteps echoing on the sidewalk. They fade to nothing and leave just the sound of my pounding heart. And once he’s gone, I sob.