Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
Billie had reached that pleasant, switched-off stage of the evening where the television was doing most of the thinking for her.
She was stretched out on the couch in joggers and a loose tank top, one sock abandoned beneath the coffee table, while a bowl of salty popcorn was balanced precariously on her stomach.
It was the third episode in a row, maybe even the fourth, but she’d stopped counting.
The show she was watching was predictable in a way that felt comforting.
People said what they meant, and conflicts were resolved neatly…
and nobody vanished without explanation.
Maybe that was why she enjoyed it. No drama and no expectation.
Her mind, unhelpfully, drifted anyway.
To the museum.
Specifically to Debra and Lucille at the museum.
She’d been polite when she’d bumped into Billie, but Billie had caught a hint of sadness in her eyes.
She’d felt it before she’d seen it. The understanding that this new version of Debra existed because Billie hadn’t been able to stay, and whatever could have grown between them had been interrupted by something Billie hadn’t yet learned how to dismantle.
Still, Debra had looked happy enough. She’d seemed open and content with Lucille.
Get over it. She’s moved on!
Billie exhaled a deep breath and reached into her bowl of popcorn again. She wasn’t even hungry, but it gave her something to do when she was bored to tears, and lately, that happened more often than not.
Leave it to you to have extra time on your hands after you’ve pushed someone away.
But it would all be fine. It had to be.
She’d spent the last month learning how to accept things for what they were instead of what she wished they could be.
Shorter days at work, less stress, and evenings like this.
Sitting in the quiet, making herself deliberately small.
It wasn’t joy—far from it, actually—but it was something she could manage and survive.
And right now, surviving counted for a lot.
The intercom buzzed, and Billie nearly dropped the bowl as she shot up off the couch.
She hadn’t wanted to call Ella, her best friend had done enough for her over the last month, but they’d always been in tune with one another.
Billie appreciated that she’d likely telepathically known she’d needed company and headed over here.
She crossed the room and put on her best smile as she pressed the speaker, refusing to show even a hint of today to Ella. She didn’t want to sit here talking about Debra anymore. What was the point? “Hello?”
“H-hi. It’s um…it’s Debra.”
Billie’s world seemed to tilt. She closed her eyes and pressed a hand to the wall, grounding herself. Of course it was Debra. Of course she’d decided to show up when Billie was unguarded and wearing clothes she’d never planned for anyone to see her in. “I—” Billie cleared her throat. “Hi.”
“I’m sorry to come by unannounced, but I was nearby, and I wondered if you wanted some company…”
Billie almost laughed at that. She was sure Debra was fucking with her. Why on earth would she want to sit here with Billie when she could be doing whatever she would usually do with Lucille?
Then she thought about the museum again and Lucille’s arm around Debra’s waist. Billie had forced herself to accept it all earlier, reminding herself that maybe it was just the way things were meant to be.
She could say no. She could tell Debra she was tired or that she wasn’t up for seeing people this evening…that would be the sensible thing to do. Instead, she pressed the button to unlock the main door, refusing to overthink it.
She stepped back from the intercom, aware that her heart was racing.
It hadn’t raced since the morning she’d woken up in Debra’s spare room, but that was because there had been nothing for it to race towards.
Debra had stepped back, Billie had found she had an inability to reach out once she felt stable, and now here they were…
with Billie single and alone as always, and Debra offering her company because she likely knew Billie was nothing more than a lost soul these days.
She looked down at herself. Bare arms and messy hair, her apartment nothing like Debra would remember from the last time she was here.
But wasn’t that the point of taking care of herself now?
None of this was meant to be a performance anymore.
It was meant to be just her. She was supposed to unwind in the evening.
And then her mind drifted to Debra in the lift. She could picture that perfectly composed woman who gave nothing away unless she wanted Billie to see it. Hands clasped around her bag strap, shoulders pulled back, looking as beautiful as ever. The thought alone squeezed Billie’s heart.
You wanted her, you fucked it up, you accept that.
When Debra knocked, Billie stepped forward immediately and opened the door.
Debra stood there with her coat draped over one arm, her hair tossed by the wind. And then Billie landed on those blue eyes, the very eyes that had comforted her in recent weeks as she drifted off to sleep.
“Hi. Come in.”
Debra paused at the door and took Billie in. There was no judgment there, but Billie should have known that. Judgement and Debra didn’t go together. Hadn’t she learned that the night she’d found herself kneeling in front of her?
She stepped inside Billie’s apartment and took in the scene. The throw half on the floor where it was draped over the end of the couch, the half-empty bowl of popcorn on the coffee table…the pile of laundry on the dining chair.
“This seems like a cosy night in.” Debra smiled as she turned back to Billie. “You look…comfortable.”
Billie laughed. “That’s high praise.”
“Mm. It is.”
“Do you want a drink? I’ve got tea. Or…well, whatever you want really.”
Debra eyed the TV. “Are you mid-binge?”
“Would you hate me if I said yes?”
“Absolutely not. I’d be impressed.” Debra smiled. “And a tea would be lovely.”
Billie moved into the kitchen, grateful for the small task.
When she turned back, Debra had settled on the couch.
Billie didn’t know what she’d expected, but it wasn’t this.
It wasn’t Debra sitting comfortably rather than anxiously, with one leg tucked beneath her.
The sight of it brightened Billie for the tiniest moment, and then that sadness settled inside her again.
She’d had the opportunity here, and she’d ruined it.
She’s here as a friend. Be grateful.
Billie was, she was beyond grateful, but she was still allowed to remind herself of what she’d lost. She carried two cups across the room and handed one to Debra.
Their fingers brushed, but Billie suppressed what she knew was coming.
The spark, that…jolt. Instead, she just let a sliver of sensation exist.
“Sorry about the place, it’s a bit of a mess.”
Debra looked around and lifted her brows. “Seriously? You’d call this a mess?”
“Well, by my usual standards, yes.” Billie brought her cup into her lap as she sat down and crossed her legs under her. “It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, of course I am, but…why are you here, Debra?”
“I stopped by the shop before…”
Billie’s brows drew together. “What for? Is something wrong with your suit?”
“Nothing is wrong with it. It’s beautiful.” Debra sipped her tea. “I guess I just…wanted to see you. I was surprised when Nina said you’d already left for the day.”
Billie nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’ve been changing my hours.”
“Mm. You used to be there constantly.”
“I know.”
“Anyway, I initially hoped I’d catch you, then I realised it was a good thing that I didn’t.”
Billie watched Debra. Considering she’d once known every little mannerism of this woman, she was finding her much harder to read. She gave nothing away. “Why?”
“Because it meant you were somewhere else living.”
Billie wouldn’t call it living exactly, but she understood what Debra was saying.
She could have been forthcoming, explaining to Debra that she felt a little lost and wanted to try again, but she couldn’t do it.
Debra had Lucille in her life, and Billie just wasn’t that kind of woman.
“It was nice seeing you today at the museum.”
“I won’t lie, it was a shock seeing you there. But I’m glad that I did. I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing.”
“I should have called. Even just to say hi. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Debra said as she turned on the couch a little more. “You had to do what was best for you. I understand that.”
“Maybe, but I still went silent. I thought it was for the best.” Billie lowered her cup to the table and focused back on Debra.
“Things have changed a lot for me. I’m dealing with my past and the way I’ve handled things for a long time.
I may still be lonely, but I’m not so…controlled anymore, as you can probably see. ”
“I do see. I’m proud of you, Billie.”
“Now, enough about me. Tell me about you and Lucille. How’s it going? You looked really happy earlier, and she seems to be good for you.”
“I’m…content.” Debra looked down into her cup. “Lucille is kind and intelligent. She’s easy to be with and doesn’t expect anything from me, you know?”
“Good. That’s good.” Billie reached forward and touched Debra’s knee. “I am happy for you, Debra. You deserve to be with someone who is uncomplicated.”
“Yeah.” Debra cleared her throat, as though she was holding something back. Still, Billie wouldn’t pry. Debra’s personal life was exactly that. Personal. “How are things between you and Nina?”
“Professional. As they always should have been.” Billie wouldn’t scold herself for her past decisions; she’d coped the way she saw fit, but her relationship with Nina would remain strictly professional from now on.
Nina understood. She had been given a small hint into Billie’s past, and she’d been the model employee ever since.
“I don’t expect you to understand my prior relationship with Nina, but when you and I were spending time with one another, I wasn’t sleeping with her. I promise you that, Debra.”
Debra lifted a hand. “It’s all in the past. I have no right to your story, and I have no right to an explanation either. We hadn’t seen one another for weeks when that night happened, so, please, don’t think you have to explain.”
“I…would still like to explain at some point.” Billie chewed her bottom lip as she gazed back at Debra.
“It’s clear that you and Lucille are going somewhere, and I know I had the chance to be happy, so I only have myself to blame, but I think for my own closure and my own peace of mind, I’d still like to be honest with you. ”
“Then we should have coffee together sometime.” Debra lowered her empty cup to the table and took her coat from the arm of the couch.
“Maybe you could call me when you think you’re ready to sit down with me.
I know it’ll be hard, and you can tell me as much or as little as you’re comfortable with, but please… don’t force yourself to do it.”
When Debra stood and moved towards the door, Billie followed her. She turned back as she shrugged her coat on, and it was in that moment that Billie saw the tiredness at the edges of Debra’s eyes.
“Can I say something?” Billie asked, maintaining a distance so she didn’t do something utterly ridiculous that she couldn’t take back.
“Something that won’t change anything at all.
I know where we stand with one another, but I just need to say it because I know I’ll probably never find the courage to say it again… ”
Debra frowned. “What is it?”
“I made the biggest mistake of my life letting you go.” Billie reached out and touched Debra’s cheek. “It keeps me awake at night, it’s kept me from eating some days, but seeing you today and knowing you’re happy…it makes me happy in some weird fucked up way.”
“Billie—”
“No, please don’t say anything. I just wanted you to know that I do realise the mistake I made in pushing you away.
I need you to leave here tonight knowing that I’m fully aware of the mess I was in, even when I didn’t want to admit it to myself.
It just…it took you coming into my life and calling me out on it for things to change. ”
“Well, thank you for being honest.”
Billie lifted a shoulder. “It’s all I have left in me at this point.”
“I’m glad you buzzed me up,” Debra said. “And I’m glad you look like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like yourself,” Debra replied. “Even if you’re still figuring out who that is.”
“Ella says I’m exactly who I used to be, but I’m not so sure just yet.
” Billie knew it would take time to erase ten years of control and her so-called alter ego, but she would get there one day.
She had plenty of time on her hands to work on herself.
“I’m sorry if I ever made you question yourself.
It was never anything you’d done wrong. In fact, you were doing things so right that it terrified me. That’s on me, okay?”
Debra opened the door and stepped out onto the landing. “You take care of yourself, Billie. And don’t forget to call me if you ever want to get that coffee and have a chat. I’ll always make time for you.”
“I will. One day.”