Chapter Nineteen
DELILAH
The picture Ian’s sent me has me grinning like a fool as I hunch over my phone in a lonely corner on set; I’m still surprised he sent one when I asked. He’s out with Mei and Bella for brunch, and I wish I were with them, but as much as I’d like to brush off filming to spend more time with my hunky ginger, I know that Gia would skin me alive if I tried. Especially with numbers finally starting to creep back up.
I’ll never tell him that I’m saving the photo as my wallpaper, but I’m assuming he’ll figure it out soon, anyway. He looks so cute with his mouth turned down in a deep frown, his brow knitted together as he holds up the bright pink cupcake for the camera.
CUPCAKE: Bella is never going to let me live the “cupcake” thing down. You know that right?
ME: I take it brunch is going well?
CUPCAKE: Bella had about two more mimosas than she needed, but yeah it’s been good. We have to come back here soon. You’ll love the scones.
My heart flutters at him casually making something-akin-to-date plans; it’s been two weeks since we started…whatever this is, and I still haven’t gotten used to the idea of it. Mainly because it still seems surreal that after all the time in my life I’ve spent wanting him, I actually get to have him.
ME: Are you doing anything after?
CUPCAKE: Just hitting the gym. I’m waiting outside with Mei now while Bella pulls the car around and then I’m heading that way.
CUPCAKE: When do you think you’ll be done filming today?
ME: Midafternoon at the latest.
CUPCAKE: Jack is going out with Sanchez tonight.
ME: That always ends well.
CUPCAKE: At least the arm is already broken. What more can he do?
ME: He’s got another arm. Two legs. Who knows with Jack. You didn’t want to go hang out with them?
CUPCAKE: Actually…I was hoping I could sneak a certain brat over to my room.
More flutters, but in my belly this time.
ME: Oh yeah? And do what?
CUPCAKE: Come over when you’re done and find out.
I bite my lip to hold back my grin as I stare at the text; I might still be struggling to get used to it, but I sure as hell enjoy the easy flirtation that we’ve fallen into. Teen me is practically dancing around her bedroom to Katy Perry circa 2012.
“God, you are killing me with all that giggly shit,” Ava grumbles as she sidles up beside me to get to the coffee maker. “You’re going to rot my teeth out if you don’t stop being so sweet.”
I shove my phone in my pocket, reaching for an empty cup. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Please. I caught you staring at your dressing room mirror yesterday, smiling to yourself while ‘Enchanted’ was blasting.”
“I was just happy for Taylor’s version,” I mumble.
“Uh-huh.” She rolls her eyes as she stirs her creamer into her paper cup. “Sure you were. I happen to know for a fact that you’re a 1989 stan.”
“Taylor is Taylor,” I hmph.
“But it’s…going well, right?”
I hate that she’s right; my mouth immediately turns up, and it really is ridiculous how giddy just thinking about Ian makes me.
“It is,” I tell her.
“But you still haven’t told Jack?”
“No,” I sigh. “I’m going to. When I figure out how to approach the subject without him going all alpha-hole big brother on me.”
“I would pay money to see that.”
“Honestly, so would I,” I laugh. “If it weren’t going to be directed at me. Can you imagine how insufferable he’s going to be when he finds out I’m sleeping with his best friend?”
“Oh, he’s never going to let you live it down once he stops being weird.”
“Exactly.”
“Probably be weirder to keep not telling him though,” she points out.
“I know, I know. I’m going to tell him soon. Ian is just stressed out about training camp right now, and everything is already a lot for him right now, I don’t want to add an overprotective Jack to the mix.”
“Oh God. You are so smitten.” She raises her voice in a terrible impression of mine. “Ian this. Ian that.”
“Shut up,” I grouse.
“You lurve him,” she teases.
And it’s a joke, I know that, but the way my stomach tightens is no laughing matter. I won’t pretend that it hasn’t been…intense, being with Ian after wanting him for so long, just like I also won’t pretend that like has felt like too small a word for what I’ve been feeling for him. Not that I would ever tell him that. I won’t risk scaring him off when I just got him.
I bump her elbow with mine. “Don’t you have something to be doing?”
“Yeah, making sure your show is perfect.”
“Well.” I make a shooing motion. “Go on then.”
“Wow,” she laughs. “Yes, queen. Right away, queen.”
“Fuck off,” I snort.
“Text your boyfriend for me and tell him to stop distracting you. He can sext you later.”
Boyfriend.
That word makes my belly clench even more. In a good or bad way, I can’t be sure.
I watch her give me a flippant wave over her shoulder as she carries her coffee away, the word boyfriend still bouncing around my head. I like the way it makes me feel, I decide. Maybe too much. I pull my phone back out, pulse still racing slightly as I shoot off another text.
ME: You’re on, Cupcake.
When Ava finds me again after filming, the concerned look on her face is a far cry from her teasing attitude earlier. She’s chewing on the end of her nail when I spot her crossing the set to where I’m taking off my apron, her expression the one she only wears when she’s delivering bad news.
“What’s wrong?”
She scratches at the back of her neck. “It may be nothing.”
“If it was nothing, you wouldn’t look like that.”
“Well,” she sighs, letting her hands settle on her hips. “Gia wanted me to send you to her office.”
“Okay? Why is that a problem?”
“She sounded…weird.”
“Weird how?”
“Well, she asked me if I had seen anything online about you today.”
“About me?”
“You and Ian.”
“Why would she…? Wait. Did you see something?”
“Not before she asked.”
I’m already pulling out my phone. “What is it?”
“Dee, maybe you shouldn’t—”
I’m already googling our names, hit with multiple headlines from only an hour ago immediately after clicking search.
HAS HOCKEY’S HEARTbrEAKER DONE IT AGAIN?
HOCKEY’S HEARTbrEAKER MIGHT BE brEAKING IT OFF WITH BAKER
IAN CHASE AND MEI GARCIA—ARE THEY GETTING BACK TOGETHER?
My first reaction is pure confusion, especially since I just spent a great night with Mei and Bella last week and can confirm that she and Bella are still very much in love and that there is absolutely nothing between her and Ian. I click one of the headlines, finding an attached picture that does the opposite of what I suspect Ava is waiting for—I laugh out loud.
“This is nothing,” I tell Ava, who is looking at me like I’ve grown another head.
“He’s kissing her,” Ava says incredulously.
I roll my eyes. “On the cheek.”
Ian is wearing the same thing he was wearing a few hours ago when he texted me the photo of him with the cupcake. In it, he’s clutching Mei’s elbow on the sidewalk, his lips pressed gently against her cheek while—I assume—he’s telling her goodbye after their brunch earlier.
“You’re not worried about this?”
I shake my head; I can’t tell Ava everything about why this picture doesn’t make me upset, because most of it isn’t my story to tell, but I’m relieved that I can stow my worry, at least.
“I promise you,” I tell her. “This isn’t a thing. They had brunch earlier.”
“Just the two of them?”
“No, Bella was there, too, but even if it was, it wouldn’t matter. There’s nothing between them, and I trust him.”
Ava is still looking at me like she’s not entirely convinced, and while I can’t exactly blame her, since she doesn’t have all the facts, it’s still mildly irritating for someone to be doubting Ian.
“Wait,” I gasp, remembering one of the headlines. It said Ian had “done it again.” Which means now the entire fucking internet will be shredding his character again without knowing what they’re talking about. “Fuck,” I huff. “You said Gia wants to see me?”
“Yeah.” Ava nods. “There’s a lot of rumors circulating already about him cheating on you or something.”
“They don’t even know we’re together for sure!”
“You know that doesn’t matter to social media.”
“What a fucking nightmare,” I groan.
“Gia wants to make sure you’re okay, and, well, you know. See what your next move is.”
“My next move?”
“Yeah, I mean…you and Ian were doing this for good press. If this negative stuff keeps blowing up, it might have the opposite effect on your ratings.”
“I’m not—” I feel my face flushing. “I’m not going to stop seeing him.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. I just…” She heaves out a sigh, crossing her arms. “Just go talk to Gia. I’m only the middleman here.”
“Fine.”
I nod distractedly, already dusting off my shirt and turning away from her, hearing her voice call after me, “Let me know how it goes!”
My mind is racing all the way up to Gia’s office, both at the prospect of having the same conversation with her that I just had with Ava as well as with worry for how Ian is doing, if he’s seen the news yet. I hate the idea of him having to see people slandering him again, and I can only hope that he hasn’t checked his phone in a while, which is a huge possibility, given how little he uses it.
I don’t bother with knocking when I reach Gia’s office, immediately rushing inside and finding her scowling at her desktop before she looks up at me. “There you are,” she says. “Have you seen it?”
“I have,” I tell her, dropping down into one of her office chairs. “Ava told me.”
“Do you have any insight on this? Is something going on between Ian and his ex-wife?”
“No,” I say with more force than I mean to. “There’s nothing going on between them.”
Gia frowns. “How can you be sure? I know you’re friends, but he might not tell you about something like that if he were—”
“There’s nothing going on between them,” I huff.
Gia eyes me carefully, pressing one perfectly manicured fingernail to her bottom lip. “Is there something I should know about?”
“I—” I consider, chewing on the inside of my lip. Personally, I don’t think it’s the network’s business what Ian and I are or aren’t to each other, but considering that the only reason we even started this was because of their ideas, I guess I owe them something, at least. “Ian and I have…gotten closer. Since he came back to town.”
“Are you two in an actual relationship?”
“I don’t know if I would call it that,” I tell her. I want to call it that, but I need to check with Ian first. “But we’re close enough that I can tell you there’s nothing going on between him and Mei. I mean, we just had dinner with her and her wife last week. Together. I knew he was out to brunch with her this morning. Hell, her wife was there! The cameras just didn’t catch that.”
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to get…closer to him?”
“This entire thing was your idea!”
“Well, not mine personally…”
“You know what I mean.” I can feel myself scowling, too, now. “What, I can pretend something might be going on between us, but it’s a bad idea to let something actually happen?”
“I told you,” she says carefully. “We would never try to tell you who to date, Dee. I’m just thinking of you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“You mean you don’t want the ratings to get hurt,” I mutter bitterly.
“That’s not fair,” she tuts.
I blow out a breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry. This is all just so frustrating.”
“I know.” Gia nods like she actually understands, and that makes me feel a bit better. “Listen, you know I don’t give a shit what you do in your personal life, but the guys upstairs…Well, I told you, all they care about are numbers. I won’t sit here and lie to you and say they won’t care if Ian suddenly becomes poisonous to your image.”
“I still won’t stop seeing him,” I tell her vehemently.
Her eyebrows raise. “So you are seeing him?”
“I don’t know. I just—Fuck. Whatever we’re calling it. I’m not stopping.”
“Again, I can’t tell you not to,” she says. “I just want you to be fully prepared for what that might mean.”
“Okay. I hear you. I do. I need to talk to Ian about this. I need to go make sure he’s okay.”
Gia studies me for a moment, sympathy shining in her eyes. I kind of hate it. I hate that everyone thinks Ian is the type of person who would hurt me. I want to shout it from the rooftop how great he is, but I know I can’t do that while he’s still keeping secrets to protect his sister.
So I keep my mouth shut.
“Was that all you needed?”
Gia nods. “Be careful, Dee.”
“Thanks,” I answer wearily.
I don’t say anything else as I push up out of my chair, leaving Gia behind in her office and heading straight for the back doors so I can get out of here. I don’t bother calling Ian as I go, wanting to get to him as quickly as possible. I’m honestly hoping he hasn’t seen anything yet. That way I can break it to him gently, tell him to avoid the internet for a while. The less he sees, the better.
I just have to get to him first.
I know I’ve failed the moment Ian opens the door to his and Jack’s apartment. His expression is tense—his eyes haggard-looking and his mouth pressed into a tight line as he lets me in.
“Hey,” he says, moving aside to shut the door behind me. “You’re early.”
“Is Jack already gone?”
Ian nods. “He wanted to hang around after…” He clears his throat. “I convinced him to go. Told him I wanted to be alone for a bit.”
“Do you want to be alone?”
He immediately shakes his head. “Not from you.”
“Okay,” I say with obvious relief. “So you saw, then.”
“Jack has Google alerts set up on me, did you know?”
“Jesus,” I sigh. “I love my brother, but sometimes I want to kick his ass.”
“He means well,” Ian says, moving to the couch and sinking down onto it. “Does the network know?”
I nod grimly. “Gia called me into her office after we got done filming.”
“I’m sure they advised you to jump ship,” he says woodenly.
“They can’t do that,” I argue.
He purses his lips. “They can strongly suggest.”
“It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t, anyway. There’s nothing going on. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Tell that to the rest of the world.”
“I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks.”
He eyes me sadly. “Maybe you should.”
I rear back, my mouth parting in surprise. “What?”
He runs one large hand over his face, his chest rising and falling as he exhales slowly. “I don’t know. I just hate the idea that you’re being dragged into my shit.”
“I knew that was a risk when we started this.”
“I know that, I do, but…” His head drops to the back of the couch. “I fucking hate it. Even more than seeing them talk about me. They’re acting like you’re naive for even starting something with me to begin with, given my history. They don’t even know for sure that anything is going on between us, and now they’re judging you for the relationship you might be having with me? It’s so fucked up, Lila.”
My heart swells at his obvious concern for me, and I scoot closer, wrapping my arm around his middle and letting my head fall to his shoulder as I squeeze him. “I know it is, but it’s not your fault. It’s really not.”
“It feels like it is. Sometimes. I mean, it feels like everything I touch ends up tainted somehow. I can’t seem to turn my fucking head without disappointing someone.”
Despite the defeat in his tone, I feel his arm wind around me to hold me closer, his temple resting against my hair as his body releases some of the tension it was holding. I place my hand to his chest, rubbing slow circles over his T-shirt in what I hope is a soothing motion.
“It’s going to be fine,” I assure him. “It will blow over.”
“That still doesn’t solve the entire issue,” he says quietly. “What happens when we…confirm the rumors? If that’s even something you want to do. I could definitely see why you wouldn’t.”
“What?” I pull back, jerking my head away from his shoulder to look at him. “Of course it’s something I want.”
He looks genuinely surprised. “It is?”
“Are you kidding? Do I need to ask Alexa to play ‘Teenage Dream’ for you? How can I express more than I already have that I’m literally living a dream come true right now?”
His throat works with a swallow. “I guess I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It doesn’t feel real sometimes.”
“It’s real,” I urge. “At least to me. Is it real to you?”
“Of course it is,” he says without any hesitation. “Lila, being with you…” He shakes his head. “It’s fucking real.”
“Then we’re fine,” I assure him. “Everything is going to be fine.”
“How can you be sure?”
There’s uncertainty in his gaze, as well as something that looks suspiciously like fear, and I realize that despite him suggesting the idea that it might be easier for me to walk away, he’s actually terrified that I might. It makes it that much easier to hold on.
“I can’t,” I tell him honestly. “I can’t be sure of anything—that’s what my life has taught me. I learned that when I was six.” My chest squeezes at the thought of my parents, their loss an old wound that rarely acts up anymore, but thinking of them now, considering the idea that there might be a future out there where I could lose Ian too—it’s enough to make me emotional. “But if nothing else, it’s taught me when something is worth holding on to.” I tighten my hold on him as if to prove my point, leaning in to let his lips brush against mine. “You’re worth holding on to, Ian.”
“So are you,” he says shakily, his lashes fluttering when I let my mouth move against his.
I keep my kisses light even as a smile touches my lips, shifting so I can crawl into his lap, straddling it as I wind my arms around his neck. “Then hold on to me.”
“You really want to do this?” His hands settle at my hips, squeezing gently. “With me?”
“Ian.”
He shakes his head. “Right. Dream come true. I forgot. You’re obsessed with me.”
“Shut up,” I laugh, pinching his side until he squirms. “Like you aren’t obsessed with me too.”
He’s laughing with me, even when one of his hands cups the back of my head, the other reaching to tilt my chin up with his fingers so that he can bring his mouth back to mine. “I’m definitely obsessed with you.”
“Really?”
I wish my voice didn’t sound so unsure; I hate sounding so needy with him, but I can’t help it. Ian wanting me like this…It’s everything.
“Really,” he murmurs, his lips feathering against mine. “I’m days away from doodling your name in my notebook. Teenage Lila has nothing on middle-aged me.”
I grin so hard it makes my cheeks hurt, and it’s on the tip of my tongue—words that have no business being there. Words I struggle to bite back.
“Middle-aged,” I laugh instead. “Don’t worry,” I tell him. “I still think you’re hot”—I lick at his lower lip, humming in my chest—“for an old man.”
Ian growls, and suddenly I’m underneath him on the couch.
“I’ll show you ‘old man.’?”