Chapter 7 #2
‘You’re so good at that,’ she said. ‘They always try it on for me. Maybe I should hire you as a sleep nanny every night.’
‘I’d be happy to be here every night,’ I said. ‘I adore them.’
‘I know you do,’ she said, pressing her hand against mine.
She knew how much I’d wanted a baby of my own.
That was another one of the reasons it had been so utterly devastating when Greg had died – because we’d thought we were on the cusp of a great new adventure, but instead our chances of having a baby had died with him as well.
She pulled her hand away and slid my wine towards me. As I put the glass to my lips, she said: ‘So, what’s happened?’
I let the cold liquid sit in my mouth for a moment before swallowing. I’d thought about how to tell Rachel about the last few hours all the way here, but now the moment had come, I wasn’t sure where to start.
‘We kissed,’ I said, in the end.
Rachel’s eyes widened. ‘Oh my God!’ she said. ‘This is big news!’ She gasped. ‘Oh, but… but he’s…’
I nodded. ‘I know. It’s not ideal, what with him not actually existing.’
‘Except he might.’
I nodded in agreement. ‘He might.’
Rachel glared at me, a look I couldn’t quite decipher.
‘What?’ I said. ‘Why are you giving me that look?’
‘There’s something else isn’t there?’
I sighed and twirled my wine glass round on the worktop, watching the liquid slosh up and down the sides. ‘Sort of. I…’ I took a gulp of wine and met her eye. ‘We tried something. A sort of experiment.’
Rachel frowned. ‘What sort of experiment?’
‘You know we live in the same house, right? I mean, I live in the house Nick used to live in.’
‘Of course.’
‘Well, Nick did some research about time slips and it’s… well, it’s complicated. Obviously. But we thought there might be a way we could override linear time and be together, in the house.’
‘Riiiiight?’ She sounded confused. ‘So what did you do, some sort of weird ritual in the garden or something? Ooh, or did you drive your car really fast during a lightning storm like Marty McFly?’
I shook my head. ‘If only it were that easy,’ I said, smiling.
‘No, sadly it wasn’t quite as exciting as Back to the Future.
Nick explained that scientists reckon wormholes work by sort of bending time back on itself.
And the only other way of doing that that we could see – apart from travelling faster than the speed of light – was to try and force the time portal into existence in the house by being in exactly the same positions as each other at exactly the same time. ’
Rachel let out a long breath of air. ‘And I guess from your face that it didn’t work?’
I shook my head sadly. ‘No.’
She let out a long breath, her cheeks puffing up with the effort. ‘I’m so sorry, darling. But did you really expect it to?’ Her voice was gentle but I bristled at her words anyway, defensive.
I sniffed. ‘I hoped I might at least feel something. You know, a presence, a change in the air or something. But there was nothing.’
I picked up my glass and downed it, and Rachel did the same.
‘And have you given any more thought to looking for him?’ she said. ‘Now, I mean, in 2019?’
I shook my head. ‘I’ve had a quick look on Rightmove to find out when he sold the house, but nothing else.’
‘And?’
‘It was sold in 2006.’
She nodded. ‘Is that it?’
‘Yep. I can’t do any more because Nick’s worried that if I look for him and find out something terrible has happened to him in the last twenty years, it will ruin his life.’ I shrugged. ‘So I promised him I wouldn’t.’
‘But what if he doesn’t know you’re looking? Then even if you did find out something bad, you wouldn’t have to tell him.’
‘That’s what I said. But he still said no, because he’d be able to tell.
’ I took a gulp of wine. ‘The trouble is I think he’s right, too.
What if I did discover he’d died, or was really ill, or something equally as terrible?
Because if he was still alive, why wouldn’t he have come to look for me?
And if I found out for certain, how on earth could I carry on as if nothing had happened? ’
Rachel pressed her hands against mine and squeezed them. ‘Ems, I know what you’re saying. But if you don’t do this, then there’s absolutely no chance of being with him anyway, so what difference does it make?’
I pulled my hands away and put them in my lap. I knew Rachel was right. And yet I knew Nick was too.
Which meant I was stuck.
‘Why did this have to happen to me?’ I said, burying my face in my hands. When I looked back up Rachel was topping our glasses up. ‘I just want to be happy, Rach. Is that really too much to ask?’
‘And I want that for you too. But you can’t have a relationship with someone you can only see when you’re in the middle of the park.’
‘I know.’
‘So maybe it’s time to start looking for someone else – now that you know you’re ready for something?’ she said gently.
I felt a tear trickle down my cheek and I swiped it away. ‘I don’t want anybody else,’ I whispered.
I could tell from Nick’s face the moment I stepped into the bandstand that he’d had no luck last night either.
I slumped beside him on the bench, arms folded, and stared out into the park.
It was warmer tonight and there were a few people taking evening strolls.
I hoped none of them would come anywhere near us and disturb our peace.
‘That’s that then,’ I said.
I saw his head turn towards me from the corner of my eye, but I didn’t look at him.
‘I’m sorry it didn’t work. But just because that failed, it doesn’t mean we should give up.’
‘Doesn’t it?’
I heard his sharp intake of breath. ‘Do you want to give up?’
I shrugged. I knew I was being belligerent, but it was easier than admitting how frustrated I felt.
My skin sparked as he pressed his hand against mine and I stared down at his long fingers, his neat nails.
‘I’ll leave you alone if you like.’
‘No!’ The word exploded out of me, and I finally looked up at him. His eyes were open, his expression soft. I shook my head gently. ‘I’m sorry, I know I’m being an arse.’ I twisted my hands around in my lap. ‘I just don’t know if I can do this any more, knowing it can never go anywhere.’
‘It’s—’
‘The thing is, it’s killing me, not being able to speak to you,’ I interrupted before he had a chance to say anything.
I just needed to get it out there. ‘When something happens, I want to text you, or ring you, and laugh about it, or ask you something, except I can’t and I never will be able to because you’re not there.
’ I twisted to face him, and took his hand in mine, threading my fingers through his as my skin fizzed.
‘Except you are, somewhere. Just not with me.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault. I just want… I want to do all the things people do when they first meet. I want to kiss you. I want to talk on the phone for hours. I want to go on a date.’
‘Then you should.’
‘What?’
His gaze burned into me as though he was searching deep inside my soul. I wondered what he would see there. ‘You should do all of those things. You deserve all of those things.’
I stared at him. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I’m saying that you should go on dates with other people. You should find someone who can make you happy. You deserve that.’
I felt as though the air had been sucked from me. ‘Is that what you want me to do?’
‘It’s not what I want for me. But it’s what I want for you, yes.’
I snatched my hand away and tucked it beneath my thigh. I watched a bird fly from a nearby bush and land on the metal railings beside me. It stared at me for a moment, then flew away. I turned back to Nick. ‘But I’m falling in love with you,’ I said, my voice quiet.
I hadn’t planned to say it, but once it was out there I knew it was true. I was falling in love with this man, and it was killing me.
He didn’t reply and I felt my face burn. Had I got this totally wrong? Was he about to get up and walk away and never come back to this place again? Should I laugh, pretend it was a joke, or—
‘Emma?’
I looked up. Nick was watching me. ‘Sorry, did you say something?’
A smile spread across his lips. ‘I said I’m falling in love with you too.’
‘You are?’
‘Yes. But—’
‘No. No buts. Buts are never good.’
He shook his head. ‘I know. I never imagined loving anyone again after Dawn. But—’ he gave me a look ‘—you know this is impossible, right? We’re impossible.’
I blinked, my eyes burning, and sniffed. Of course I knew that. Of course I hadn’t imagined that he might say he’d found another way for us to be together, that somehow he’d unlocked the secret that no scientist has previously been able to unlock. That would be crazy.
‘I know,’ I said, my voice cracking.
I knew it, and yet I didn’t want to believe it.