Chapter 8
NICK
It’s one thing doing the right thing. It’s entirely another thing to like it.
‘But you’ve only just met this girl,’ Andy said.
‘I know.’
I couldn’t even explain to myself the connection I felt when I was with Emma after just two weeks of knowing her, so how could I begin to explain it to Andy, or anyone else?
It wasn’t at all surprising that he couldn’t understand how wretched I felt about telling Emma she should date other people – especially as he still seemed to believe she was some sort of liar or con artist.
‘Well, I think it’s a good thing.’ He plonked a mug of strong tea in front of me and sat down.
I’d come immediately to Andy’s after leaving Emma.
I hadn’t wanted to leave her, but we couldn’t stay in the bandstand forever and eventually it had started to get too cold for both of us.
I’d felt bereft the moment we stepped off the wooden platform and she disappeared as though she had never even been there at all.
I’d needed someone to talk to, and Andy was always the person I turned to, even if he wasn’t the most romantic person in the world.
He understood me. And he understood how sad I’d been for the last two years.
‘It doesn’t feel like a good thing,’ I said, taking a sip of the scalding-hot tea he’d made me.
He didn’t get a chance to reply before the door flew open and a bundle of energy flew into the room.
‘Uncle Nick!’ My youngest niece Ella raced to my side and I lifted her onto my lap where she beamed up at me.
‘Hello, gorgeous girl,’ I said, kissing the top of her head. She smelt of lemon shampoo, a comforting scent I could have breathed in all day. She wriggled around on my lap and peered up at me through her too-long fringe.
‘The tooth fairy’s coming tonight,’ she said, giving me a gappy grin.
‘No way, look at you,’ I said.
She stuck her tongue through the space where her tooth had been and crossed her eyes.
‘I have to wrap my tooth in a tissue and then the tooth fairy will leave me some money.’
‘And how much does the tooth fairy bring these days?’
‘Ten pounds,’ she said.
I raised my eyebrows and glanced at Andy.
‘Er, I don’t think that’s quite right, is it, Els?’ he said.
She looked at him. ‘That’s what Daisy in my class got.’
‘I don’t think she did,’ Andy said. ‘I think the tooth fairy gives the same to everyone, and that’s fifty pence.’
‘But she did get that much, she told me,’ Ella said, crossing her arms. She looked so like her dad when she did that I wanted to laugh out loud.
‘I suspect Daisy is telling porky-pies,’ Andy said, standing and holding out his hand. ‘Now come on, let’s get you to bed otherwise the tooth fairy won’t come at all.’
‘But I want to stay with Uncle Nick a bit longer.’
‘Not tonight, sweetheart. Come on.’
Ella let out a long huff and reluctantly slid off my knee onto the floor. Her pink pyjama legs had ridden up to her knees and her dressing gown hung off one shoulder.
‘Night, Elly-Welly,’ I said as she took Andy’s hand.
‘Night, Uncle Nick-Nick,’ she said.
I heard them run up the stairs. I could hear Ella’s big sister Imogen arguing about something, and I took a gulp of tea and smiled sadly.
Andy was my big brother by four minutes, but he’d always been my protector, and it had always felt like the age gap was much bigger than that.
His family were so precious to me, and I loved spending time with them all.
But sometimes, being with them made my heart hurt too. Because it reminded me of everything that Dawn and I hadn’t been able to have.
Everything I’d lost.
‘Sorry about that, ’Manda’s got them all under control now,’ Andy said, sitting back at the table a few minutes later.
‘She’s a trooper that one.’
‘She is.’ He shook his head. ‘Honestly, ten quid. Does she think we were born yesterday?’
‘You can’t blame a kid for trying.’
He grinned. ‘That’s true. Shows entrepreneurial spirit, I suppose.’ He stood again. ‘Do you want a beer?’
‘Go on then.’
He pulled a couple of cans from the fridge, handed me one, then sat down again. It was dark outside and the kitchen light shone above our heads like we were on stage.
‘You’re getting thin on top you know,’ I said, clicking my can open.
‘Fuck off,’ he said, his hand flying to his scalp.
I grinned. He knew I was teasing – we were both lucky to still have thick heads of hair, but I knew Andy was paranoid about looking old. ‘Anyway, I don’t want to talk about me. We need to sort out this mess you’ve got yourself into.’
‘I know.’ I sighed. ‘I don’t see that there is any way to sort it though.’
‘So, you’re still totally convinced that this Emma lives in 2019? There’s definitely no other explanation?’
I stared at him. ‘I’m completely certain.’
He held my gaze, then shook his head. ‘Well then, tell me about her.’
I closed my eyes and tried to think of the words to describe Emma.
‘She’s…’ I opened my eyes. ‘She’s amazing,’ I said, my voice cracking.
‘It’s not just that she’s beautiful, although she is.
She’s got this amazing red hair, and piercing green eyes, and she’s funny and sad at the same time, and she likes sweets, and music and theatre and…
’ I stopped, spinning my can round on the table, and looked at Andy.
‘You know, when Dawn died I never thought I’d even want to imagine a future with someone else.
And yet now I’ve met Emma and we’ve talked for hours, we’ve shared so many things I never thought I’d share with anyone else apart from you.
She’s… Meeting her has helped to mend my broken heart, Andy, and it feels magical.
’ I swallowed. ‘Except now we’ve discovered that we can’t be together. ’
‘Jesus, Nicky. I had no idea you were this serious about her.’
‘I am. I think…’ I shook my head. ‘I know – I’m falling in love with her.’
‘And does she feel the same way?’
I nodded sadly.
‘I don’t know what to tell you,’ Andy said. ‘I mean, this is insane. You know that, right?’
‘You think I’m insane?’ A beat of anger thumped in my veins.
But Andy shook his head. ‘Not you. This situation. It’s insane and, if what you say really is true, it’s completely impossible.’
‘You’re telling me.’ I decided to ignore the implication that he still didn’t believe me.
‘So what are you going to do about it?’
I shrugged. ‘Both of us have thought about nothing else. But we’ve run out of ideas.’
‘So you say you can only see each other in the bandstand?’
I nodded.
‘And she lives in your house?’
I nodded again.
Andy screwed his face up, thinking.
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me. ‘No what?’
‘I know what you’re thinking.’
‘You don’t.’
‘You’re wondering why I don’t ask her to look for me in 2019.’
He nodded. ‘Okay, I was wondering that.’
‘It’s not an option.’
‘It’s not ideal. But if she really is in 2019 then it is an option.’
I sighed. ‘Emma’s already suggested it. She said if she went to look for me and found me then the age difference would only be fourteen years and that wouldn’t be so bad.’
‘And she’s right. And it strikes me that unless you can do some complicated physics that no one else has ever managed to do, then it’s your only solution.’
‘Because if I was still round then, why wouldn’t I have gone to look for her?’
Andy didn’t reply for a while and I wondered whether he’d heard me. But then I saw the moment that realisation dawned, and he puffed out his cheeks, leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling.
‘Fuuuuuuck, Nicky.’
‘I know.’
When he looked back at me, his eyes were sad. ‘You have to let this go now, for your own sake. You do know that, right?’
‘I do. And that’s why I told Emma to go and find someone else. To date. To have some fun.’
‘And what did she say?’
‘She said she didn’t want to.’
‘And you?’
‘It broke my heart,’ I said. ‘But I don’t see that there’s any choice. I have to let her – and myself – be happy.’
I brushed the dirt away and placed the yellow and orange gerberas carefully on the grass, then sat down.
‘Hi, my love,’ I said.
I always felt embarrassed talking to Dawn’s ashes, but today I found I didn’t care. I had so much I wanted to say to her.
The grass was damp beneath my bum and a cool breeze weaved its way through the trees and headstones.
I rubbed my arms, wishing I’d brought a jumper, and smoothed my hand over the small plaque in the ground.
The inscription was still crystal-clear: ‘Dawn Flynn. Wonderful wife and much-missed daughter. September 1966–October 1996. Fly high, my darling’.
I cleared my throat.
‘I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you for a while.
I’ve brought your favourite flowers, liven the place up a bit.
’ I swallowed down a lump in my throat. Coming here was so hard and yet comforting at the same time.
I’d never been under any illusions that Dawn was actually listening to me, which was why I’d always felt so awkward talking to her.
But after the last few weeks I’d begun to realise that anything was possible, and if there was even a small chance that she knew what was going on in my life, I owed it to her to explain myself.
‘The house still feels weird without you. Even though it’s been almost two and a half years, I still keep expecting you to walk through the door at any moment, throw your shoes and bag in a heap and run through to find me.’ I smiled sadly to myself. ‘I miss you, D.’
A dog barked in the distance and voices floated over the wall of the crematorium, and I waited a moment to gather my thoughts.
‘The thing is, D, something’s happened. Something unexpected.
I’ve met someone. She’s called Emma and we met at the bandstand.
I go there every week, do you know that?
It’s where I feel closest to you, closer than I do here…
’ I sniffed. ‘Anyway, one day she was just there and we got talking and I told her all about you. And the thing is…’ I let out a long breath.
‘The thing is, D, I really like her. Except something weird has happened. Because she…’ I checked behind me to make sure nobody was listening, then turned back to her headstone. ‘She lives in 2019.’
A beat where nothing moved, not even the blossom on the trees.
I held my breath to see if there would be any sign Dawn had heard me.
I don’t know what I was expecting – a single ray of sunshine, or a bluebird to land on my shoulder or something?
But apart from a solitary Topic wrapper drifting across the grass behind Dawn’s gravestone, there was nothing.
I really didn’t know what had happened to me recently.
‘Anyway, I know it sounds ridiculous. It does even to me and I’m experiencing it. But I just wanted to tell you, you know. Because I still can’t get used to the fact that when something momentous happens, something amazing, you’re not here to share it with.’
I sat for a moment longer, wondering whether to say anything else. On the way here I’d imagined telling Dawn everything – about the things Emma had told me about the future, about the kiss we’d shared, about Andy telling me I should date someone else. All of it.
But now I was here I wasn’t sure I really wanted to share everything with her any more. I wasn’t sure that she’d want to know either. Perhaps this was something to keep to myself after all.
I rubbed my hands along my thighs and pushed myself to standing. The sun came out from behind a cloud as I did and warmed the back of my head. I bent down and moved the gerberas closer to her headstone, then turned and walked away.