Chapter 34 #2
The girl beside her stands to attention, angling her body in front of Yanami like a shield.
Yanami puts a gentle hand on her shoulder and whispers something.
The way Yanami brings her lips close to the girl’s ear, the way the girl flushes, a soft rose pink on her pale skin, the way the girl still refuses to back down, going as far as to take another step forward, it all builds into an image I refuse to see.
I squeeze my eyes shut like a child. I bite my tongue.
Get my emotions under control, uncurl my fists, remind myself that Yanami should be protected, even if it’s from me.
I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore.
Yanami doesn’t speak until I open my eyes.
“It’s her,” she says, not to me but to the group buzzing around like flies. They shut up but don’t move. I see Yanami embody the Inka as she raises her head high. “I am confirming it is the girl, so leave us be.”
The command echoes around us, and a moment later, everyone is gone. Everyone except the girl at Yanami’s side.
“I–” I choke on my own words. “I’m here for Mare.”
It’s the truth, but it feels like a lie by omission. Still, it’s the right thing to say. The girl guarding Yanami like a dog relaxes slightly. This time, when Yanami whispers to her, she nods and shoots me one last damning look before she leaves.
Yanami does not address the tension. She does not take my hand to guide me, and I don’t reach for hers as she walks away.
I simply follow, taking in every feature of her new tunic, her new accessories, and her new necklace, similar to the one that must reside in Lake Titicaca still.
She’s my same height, but she looks as tall as the megalithic stones around us.
I do not know this woman anymore.
She leads me to a door, and my heart is in my throat.
She knocks twice, then opens the door before I hear any response. I want to burst in immediately, but I stand still, twisting my hands as she speaks to the little boy inside.
I convince myself I can wait when the door slams open and out runs Mare, face beaming, tear-streaked, right into my arms.
I don’t know what I’m saying to him. I can’t understand my own choked voice, but I know he understands the love, the apologies, the regret pouring out of me. I know he can from the strength behind his hands, grabbing at the dirty fabric of my shirt.
“Let’s head inside,” Yanami says.
Mare pulls away from me, but I can’t bear to let him go. I pull him back in and lift him into my arms. I never want to carry him because of injuries again. I want to carry him only like this, with love and care and gentleness.
I follow Yanami into a room with a plain bed at the end and an abundance of clothes and food thrown around.
“Suyai would never let you make a mess like this. What were you thinking?” I say before I think my words through.
It’s the first time I’ve said her name in a week, and it burns like the alcohol I’ve forced down my throat all week.
How could I? How could I take care of him when I threw his dead sister’s name around carelessly like that?
I struggle to breathe, attempting to put him down, but his hold won’t loosen enough to let me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, not sure to whom.
“I missed you, Rei,” Mare’s voice comes out stronger than mine. “I missed you so much, just like I miss her.”
And gods, he’s sobbing in my arms, holding onto me for dear life. His tears soak my shirt. The liquid is all over my skin, covering me in his grief.
And all I can do is hold him through it.
We calm down after an hour. Yanami left and brought back food, looking relieved when Mare eats some small bites. Looking at him clearly, I notice how much skinnier he is.
“Did you get everything ready?” Yanami asks. I quickly figure out what she means when Mare hops off the bed and runs to a pile of leather duffel bags.
“A few friends said they had some things to give me before I left. Can I go get them now, Nami?” His voice is still raw from crying, but it’s beginning to sound normal, casual even.
Nami. When did that happen?
Yanami nods. He runs to hug her and then me before darting out the door.
“He started packing yesterday. I made sure he fit the necessities in one bag, so the others are extras if you have the capacity to take them. One bag is for you, in case–”
“Thank you,” I cut Yanami off, recognizing the beginning of a spiral. She isn’t as different as I expected. She’s still flesh and blood and the girl I fell in love with.
But when I reach for her, the new Inka, alive and breathing by the grace of our Guardians, she flinches and steps back. The same movement from weeks ago, as if all our tender touches never happened.
We both open our mouths to speak, but I close mine first, motioning for her to go.
“I understand what you did, Sinchinrei, and I am grateful for it. Everything that happened before…” she drifts off, looking at my shoulder instead of my eyes. I’m ready to face it, her judgment, hatred, and anger. “I forgive you, but I don’t know if I can ever love you again.”
Somehow, I wasn’t ready to face that.
I open my mouth to speak without thinking, wanting to say everything on my mind all at once. I forgive you too, but I won’t ever forgive myself. But Yanami saves me from the person I used to be. She redirects before I can cause more harm. She steps away before I can force her closer. I’m grateful.
“We’re constructing a memorial park on the coast. There will be statues of all the victims of the Aya Runa, the hero, and…”
The pause says it all. I nod and bite my lip, the pinch of pain forcing my thoughts into order. “Suyai.”
Yanami breathes deeply, her eyes fluttering close as she mouths a silent prayer.
“Yes, and Suyai. I need your blessing before confirming the plans.”